When to tell a guy you want to be a SAHW/SAHM

[Maryland Girl]

I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, and I like the traditional family model where the husband works and the wife is a homemaker. I'm currently single, but I know that when I'm in a relationship, at some point in time the guy will need to know this information. I feel like if I bring it up too late I run the risk of possibly wasting my time and the guy's time because we're not compatible. But if I bring it up too early, it could be a little weird. When and how is the best way to address this?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well obviously I'd bring it up before your engaged. Bringing it up right away and they may be like be thrown off you are talking about martial issues already lol. I'd say bring it up when you feel maybe they are the one. So maybe after a few months? Not sure really. Depends on how fast or slow you want things to go. If you want to date for years then you have time to bring it up. If you want to marry after a year or two then bring it up sooner.

Even when I was dating offline the issue tended to come up within the first few dates when we felt things could be going further in the future .

 

[ValleyGal]

It depends on how you want to "do" dating. If you want the traditional form of dating where the guy initiates and pays for everything and it's more formal, I'd bring it up after 3 - 4 dates when the subject of the future comes up. Or if you are more into being friends with a guy and then something develops from there, you can work it into a conversation somehow - just look for opportunities.

At the beginning of a relationship, people are inclined to talk about their dreams and wishes for a future, so just working it in when you see the opportunity should work out great.

If you have an online profile, I'd stick it into there, along with the benefits to the guy - he will likely want to know how you will contribute to the home if not financially. I know men don't really want a wife who does not contribute. They don't want to go to work all day, then come home and find a messy home, pile of laundry, and have to fend for himself for dinner - no Peggy Bundy! lol

 

[~Anastasia~]

This can always be discussed in general terms as a values discussion. At least that will give you some idea.

Of course if you jump in TOO quickly talking about whether you ever saw yourself having children and how many, where you might want to live, and more serious/personal things, you could be seen as coming on too strong and might scare the guy off.

It was easier for me, as we really courted. My (now) husband showed up and let me know that his intention was to find a wife, so it was natural from an early stage to discuss everything. But it's really part of what makes up a person - do you like dogs, should they be inside? Do you like contemporary, rustic, or whatever kinds of styles? Is eating healthful food important to you? Do you like to go out or stay home? How do you feel about marriage roles?

Maybe that sounds strange, I don't know. But we both knew what our general hopes for the future included (a marriage partner) so it seemed natural to talk about all aspects of life. Not rapid-fire of course as I've listed them here, but as general conversation that included all KINDS of topics, as well as getting to know each other's past, feelings, hopes, faith, and so on.

 

[LinkH]

ValleyGal's idea of 'working it into the conversation' is a good one, IMO. If you can just say you'd like to do that some day without it sounding like you are talking about being a SAHM as the wife of the guy you are talking to, that may be a way to go about it. Of course, he'll probably pick up on the fact that you are subtly working it into the conversation if he is interested in you, and that you are doing this not to come on to strong.... but that's okay. If you are interested in the other person, you analyze things like this and hopefully pick up on the fact that they are indicators of further interest in the relationship. Try to let him know early on so you don't waste your time.

 

[Inkachu]

I wouldn't worry about it right now. Once you're in a serious relationship, conversation about marriage, family, kids, etc, should come up naturally, and that would be the time to mention it. I doubt that you would get all the way to the altar never having found an opening to bring it up lol. It shouldn't be a deal breaker... if a guy is in love with you and ready to visit the nearest jeweler to look for a ring, and JUST knowing that you want to be a SAHW makes him run for the hills... something was really, really wrong to begin with. I can't imagine any halfway decent man caring THAT much about it.

 

[Maryland Girl]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm definitely leaning towards the sooner rather than later idea myself. I just know things can get tricky because while the topic of marriage doesn't usually come up on a first date, the question of careers, and "where do you see yourself in x years", or what do you see yourself ultimately doing, kinds of questions often do. I just get nervous about navigating those kinds of conversations when they come up early on.

 

[Hetta]

the question of careers, and "where do you see yourself in x years", or what do you see yourself ultimately doing, kinds of questions often do.

Then your answer could be "I see myself being a stay at home mom."

 

[cerette]

My advice is that you should naturally have talks and discussions in general terms about such important matters long before you even get engaged. Often times people who know each other will sort of naturally hear and learn about each other's positions and opinions in talks and discussions.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Then your answer could be "I see myself being a stay at home mom."

^that^
Its a simply but less "in your face" way to approach it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You do it when you choose the type of man you spend time with. If you date a line order cook or a telemarketer, you can tell them how you want to be a SAHM and they will nod politely while thinking there is no way they will be able to swing that. You need to date guys who tell you that their wife will be a SAHM once they find her. Also, keep in mind those kinds of guys are usually a good catch that other women will desire. So make sure you bring something to the table. If you are going to stay home you better be a good at keeping the home fires burning.

That isn't always true though. Some guys are poor or on disability and they'd be fine with a SAHM wife. That entails a life of poverty though, which can be harder than people who haven't been there might think.

 

[akmom]

Blunt, but good points, Autumnleaf.

 

[Scottmcc1]

You do it when you choose the type of man you spend time with. If you date a line order cook or a telemarketer, you can tell them how you want to be a SAHM and they will nod politely while thinking there is no way they will be able to swing that. You need to date guys who tell you that their wife will be a SAHM once they find her. Also, keep in mind those kinds of guys are usually a good catch that other women will desire. So make sure you bring something to the table. If you are going to stay home you better be a good at keeping the home fires burning.

That isn't always true though. Some guys are poor or on disability and they'd be fine with a SAHM wife. That entails a life of poverty though, which can be harder than people who haven't been there might think.

There are a lot of jobs that can be done from home. When we first got married my wife typed cookbooks. Other work such as day care. Our neighbor types in medical records from home.

 

[isleof]

I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, and I like the traditional family model where the husband works and the wife is a homemaker. I'm currently single, but I know that when I'm in a relationship, at some point in time the guy will need to know this information. I feel like if I bring it up too late I run the risk of possibly wasting my time and the guy's time because we're not compatible. But if I bring it up too early, it could be a little weird. When and how is the best way to address this?

In todays society, that is tricky. In normal reality, it is normal.

 

[isleof]

The only reason a woman should be forced to work is because greed now has control of the world. Obviously, that is no reason at all.

 

[graciesings]

I think what makes most sense is to look for a guy who's mother was a stay at home mom, or who has a sister that stays home. He'd be more likely to accept your decision.

Yes, you should have many discussions about lifestyles and beliefs before you think about marrying a guy. The fact that you like the traditional family model should fall in there somewhere.

And I would encourage you to have a job that you can work, in case he gets sick or the economy is really bad and yall can't pay off debts. I've seen a lot of older women have trouble with that, their husband gets cancer and the wife is qualified to work at a convenience store!

 

[Masihi]

I wouldn't worry about it right now. Once you're in a serious relationship, conversation about marriage, family, kids, etc, should come up naturally, and that would be the time to mention it. I doubt that you would get all the way to the altar never having found an opening to bring it up lol. It shouldn't be a deal breaker... if a guy is in love with you and ready to visit the nearest jeweler to look for a ring, and JUST knowing that you want to be a SAHW makes him run for the hills... something was really, really wrong to begin with. I can't imagine any halfway decent man caring THAT much about it.

I like this answer the best.

I don't have much to add being male and since im not someone who dated for long before asking for marriage. I think women like you are special.

 

[LinkH]

I know the thread has been around a while. But I was thinking scaring off a guy with too much serious marriage or husband and wife-related talk early on might not be a bad thing. If he's serious about marriage, he's going to want to talk about things related to marriage. If not, why not scare him off? Even if he's looking for a wife, don't be too aggressive. He may want to pursue a little bit. You don't want him to feel like a calf that got hog-tied at a rodeo.

 

[Observer]

I just want to add.. you could find a man who says he 100% believes in traditional roles and you can be a stay at home wife/mother. But then when money gets hard, or if he loses his job, things can change dramatically

 

[Daughter of Ararat]

What is SAHW/SAHM?