i cant cope with anything nor do i have any outlets for my misery. everyday i wake up and it starts like this. ill maybe have a dream and it will make me sad for the day because it felt so nice compared to the repetiveness of my daily life. id kill for some fun to get out and walk tirelessly with some good friend which i dont have or will have so i walk in circles in my room waiting for 3 dull things of the day. to steal a roach from my mom that wont get me high because its mostly tobacco. to go nextdoor to my uncles and listen to him talk aimlessly about crap i dont take intrest in. but hey i go over there because im bored.. then the third is to go to sleep again. the one thing that keeps me going is waiting for my mom to leave the house for a few days(because she never leaves) so i can remember the days me and my sister were together. sadness is better spent alone for me, it helps me cry harder and i never get alone time, so the pain is stuck deep in me its so dull. the reason im on this forum because christians are so holy and angelic at heart.. because it gives me hope for and end to my misery.. i have a boatload of memories of my pre15 days (19 now) they were all good and so nostalgic its juicy to remember but for 4 freaking years its just killin me how dull they were. now i have no energy at alll if you were me you would be in complete misery because no hope of getting a job because of shyness or nothing to say.. unable to make friends.. i honestly am considering doing it to myself by now. i pray to god everyday to give me more life so i can get out more and live, mostly to go to heaven which i heard a voice say no out of nowhere. im waiting to die pretty much theres nothing interesting in my life nothing going on or anything, i cant get out please understand. i wish the misery would end :'( i just want it to end. why wont god show any heart. why is the world so tough like this. why am i so slow in the head. why do i have bad dreams all the time showing me the gloomy afterlife im gonna have. my sins are bad btw, not everyone can be forgiven incase your gonna convince me im gonna go to heaven