When do you forgive?

[Beautiful_Things]

Hi I am new to the forum here, I found it through google search and this one seemed to be like the best one to me. I am having a bit of a dilema right now and could use some advice on how to deal with it.

When I was a baby my parents divorced and my mom soon found herself a replacement. Her boyfriend and eventually my step father seemed okay at first but as i hit about 6 - 7 he started abusing me. That went on until i was 17 and moved out. He ruined my childhood and pretty much my whole life. The stuff he did to me prevented me from having a normal life, I never could do well in school so college was out of the question pretty much.

Any way what I am getting to is that my mom who i haven't talked to probly in over 3 or 4 years called me to tell me he is dying. I guess he has cancer and it is in the late stages and he only has a week or two left. So I guess he wants me to go to see him and their is where the big problem is. Makes me mad he just wants me to hop on a plane and head off to Hawaii because he said so given our history. Part of me wants to just go and tear him a new one and scream at him and then get right back on a plane and go back to California and not look back. Probly more than part of me, I would say 95 percent of me wants to do that. But I also know I never have done anything good with my life, actually messed it up pretty bad.

I've been stripping for a long time and done all the drugs and drinking that go along with it. I hate my life as it is right now and am kind of praying that if I go to see him he might apologize for what he did to me. I think that could really help me, if he doesn't apologize i deffently think I would go off. So I don't know what to do at all, maybe some of you have been in this position?

I probly seem like a bad person for not just going to see him but he really has hurt me so much I don't want to give him one last chance to do it. The last time I saw him was when I was 17 and he never was sorry then so I don't know if he will be now. He has done so much to hurt me I don't know if I ever could forgive him. My life revolves around trying to forget or numb what he did to me so I don't know how i will react to going back to seeing him.

My mom said I could stay at their house while i'm in Hawaii but that house is seriously the last place i will ever go. I don't think my mind could take going back in their. I just don't want this trip if i make it and don't get the answers I want to send my life in a even deeper hole. So if you have any advice on what I should do I would very much appreciate it.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hey Beautiful Things – welcome to Christian Forums!!! Before I say anything else, is it ok if I send some (safe) hugs your way?

In terms of whether you should go and see him or not…most people will have their own stance on forgiveness here. Some will say that forgiving your abuser is something that you need to do to fully heal (but, if so, only in your own time) and others will say that you only need to forgive yourself for the things you may hold yourself responsible for by reminding yourself that you were only a child and couldn’t always defend yourself. I don’t know the right answer, or even if there is a totally right way of going about it.

Whether you visit him or not needs to be your decision Hun, but I’d think that if you go, do it because you want to. He’s not in charge anymore and you have grown into a wonderful woman of God (I’m not so sure there’s such a thing as somebody living a perfect life). Something to maybe think about if you end up going is whether or not you’d consider taking a friend with you if there is someone you’re close to. Even if they don’t know your past, they could help support you and just be there if you needed them.

 

[Johnnz]

If he apologised that would be somewhat healing for you. But if he won't then you will be even more hostile towards him.

You must assess your own capacity to take that risk. If you can't face seeing him that's fine. He has to face God. You can live the rest of your life allowing Jesus to transform you. Jesus is for you,whatever and where ever you are.

Bles syou
John
NZ

 

[Pure_Heart]

Question for you... if you went, would you be going in support of your mum? Or, would you be going to have this man ask forgiveness of you?

One year, my dad apologized to me for abusing me up to that point. It was quite a shocker at the time, but I saw no change in him. Instead I saw him continue to be abusive towards me and continue to justify it. Although he did apologize on his own, it left a hollow meaning to me because his actions did not support his words.

As for forgiving him for everything he has done to me, it is a constant ongoing thing for me to forgive him. I do not verbally tell him I forgive him. I just do it by telling God in private.

As for forgiving myself? I was not the one who caused my father to abuse me; therefore, I do not have any need to forgive myself. Instead, just realizing that I did nothing to cause him to abuse me was the greatest relief of all!! It was not my fault that he chose to abuse me. I am not responsible for other's actions - only my own.

I did nothing wrong. When I realized that, I felt so free! Unless you have been abused, you will not understand what this means.

I would say for advice for you ... if you do decide to fly off to visit this man who is not your flesh and blood, then do it for reasons of supporting your mum only! Don't seek his apology to you. Instead, turn that over to God completely. Let God fight your battles alone on that for you on your behalf.

If you choose not to go, then don't feel bad about it. Self preservation is best in this situation. Stress is going to be running high, tempers will flare easily, tears will be pouring. Are you sure you want to put yourself into that situation?

 

[SiyoNqoba]

You posted this awhile, and I'm assuming you've made your decision either way. I pray it was the right one for you, but I'm sure it was.

Apologies mean nothing to me, because I believe that the day I know they're truly sorry will be the day I see them in Heaven. All I can do is pray for them, and hope that day exists somewhere in the future.

In life, I won't ignore the sin of any of the men who assaulted me. I would never let them back into my life, but that doesn't mean I haven't forgiven them.

For me, forgiveness is about me and my healing. It's a choice to say "I'm not angry at you anymore. I'm not going to let what you did to me rule my life, and I'm not going to harbour any resentment towards you."

 

[JudyB1169]

Exactly. I forgave after coming to Christ. But, this person is not welcome in my home or in my life. He refuses to acknowledge what he did to me and to a few other girls and I have no reason to allow that kind of behavior in my life. But, I forgive for me and because Christ commands me to. You know what they say, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Graphic, but wise!

 

[EbonNelumbo]

You forgive when you are able to...at least, it's what I have done. Trying to force yourself to forgive prematurely can damage things even more...

 

[jeffyd1994]

I would say decide whether you feel it is going to help you or do more damage. Right now, I have the same problem

 

[JudyB1169]

I am a survivor of sibling sexual abuse, so please understand I mean this question as gently and sincerely as possible and in NO WAY malicious or judgemental. But, how can forgiving someone do damage or do more damage? I would think just the opposite would be true.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I think part of it would be who you're forgiving for...true forgiveness can't happen when you're doing it for someone else (your family, friends, abuser, God). In that sense, forgiveness would mean knowing that you've survived and healed (at least in part)...enough that you are no longer afraid of your abuser and he/she doesn't hold any power of you. Forgiveness can be a way of taking back that power but it also can't be something you force, nor is it, in the end, for everyone. Each person needs to decide where they're at and who they're doing it for I'd think .

 

[jeffyd1994]

Sorry, I meant visiting her step dad. Yes forgiving is a good thing.

 

[jeffyd1994]

I can say also that she wouldn't need to visit him to forgive him but it may be that as someone said, he wishes to tell her that he is sorry for what he has done and ask for her forgiveness. Really, there's only one person who can forgive...

 

[JudyB1169]

Well, I agree with that completely. I have forgiven my stepbrother, but as long as he is unrepentant, I have absolutely no interest in seeing him again...and even then, I just don't know...

 

[Ariel]

I forgive as fast as I can, as much as I can. Even if I don't feel like forgiving, and even if I'm just not "there yet"--even if I have to grit my teeth, I say out loud, "I choose to forgive." And then every time the thoughts come back into my mind, I say it again.

Then I pray for that person or people. I ask Him to forgive them, too. Since Scripture tells us to bless those who curse us and pray for those who spitefully use us, Luke 6:28, I pray blessings on that person--and especially the blessing in Acts 3:26, which says God has blessed by turning people away from iniquity. That's a blessing I can always pray--that God will turn the person who hurt me away from their sin, and turn them to God instead. What greater blessing can there be than knowing Christ?

Yes, forgiveness is hard. It has not been easy, but I choose to do it. I choose to do it because I know that if I don't I will continue to think angry thoughts about that person--and end up being tormented by those thoughts. Also, unforgiveness is caustic. It eats a tender spirit. I choose not to allow the people who have hurt me that kind of control over me.

Unforgiveness also interferes with my relationship with God. Jesus told us to forgive, Matt. 6:14-15. The most powerful thing I can do when I've been hurt is to forgive--and then give the whole situation to God, Ps. 55:22.

Yes, it's been hard, but I can testify that as I have gone through the steps of forgiving, praying forgiveness and blessing on that person, giving the whole situation to God--and then praying for Him to take the hurt and bless me, heal me and encourage me instead--I can testify that I have seen God move.

I have seen God's judgment on those who hurt me, although that was not my motive in asking for them to be forgiven. I've seen people stop. I've seen them change. I've seen people come to me and ask for forgiveness--years after I forgave them.

No, it has not been easy. I was abused as a child and traumatized later on. But I can say this. I am healed, I am blessed, I am going on with Christ, I am no longer a victim. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus who loves me, Romans 8:37.

 

[Carolyn H]

Beautiful Things,

I am praying for you, sis. What a delemma! I guess I can only hope you did what your heart told you to do. Abuse is so dark, dirty, and damaging...

Carolyn

 

[JudyB1169]

I have seen God's judgment on those who hurt me, although that was not my motive in asking for them to be forgiven. I've seen people stop. I've seen them change. I've seen people come to me and ask for forgiveness--years after I forgave them.

I can only pray that this is the outcome of my situation, but now he is in SUCH DEEP denial that is seems unlikely. Not to mention he is deeply involved in a cult. So, I will have to leave whatever the outcome may be in God's hands.

 

[Johnnz]

That's all you can do at this stage. Just get on living life now it all the potential that the team of you + JESUS has.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[Ariel]

I have seen God's judgment on those who hurt me, although that was not my motive in asking for them to be forgiven. I've seen people stop. I've seen them change. I've seen people come to me and ask for forgiveness--years after I forgave them.

I can only pray that this is the outcome of my situation, but now he is in SUCH DEEP denial that is seems unlikely. Not to mention he is deeply involved in a cult. So, I will have to leave whatever the outcome may be in God's hands.

At this point the best and healthiest thing for you to do is to forgive. Remember that you don't need them to say "I'm sorry" first. You just forgive. Forgive and give it to God. He is well able to handle it.

Something I probably should also have said is this. We forgive, this the best thing we can do in an abusive situation, but you don't have to hang around an abusive person and give them still another opportunity to abuse you. When Jesus knew the Pharisees wanted to kill Him, He did not stay in Jerusalem. He went out into the wilderness.

Forgive, yes. Hang around and be abused again, no. Absolutely not.

 

[JudyB1169]

Exactly! Unless the person acknowledges his damaging actions, I have absolutely no desire to be in contact with him.

 

[Ariel]

And even if an abuser does acknowledge his or her abuse, it is inadvisable to trust them. They cannot be trusted until the Lord has done a work in them to change them. This will take time, and also more time to ascertain that this is actually so.

A common pattern in abusive families is false repentance. Often an abuser can give a sob story and even shed tears, but there is no real change. An abuser cannot be trusted, period, not until there has been a major overhaul in their life--the kind of change that takes years to accomplish.

I am not saying that no one can be trusted, though. There are people who can be trusted, but remember your walls. You are allowed to have walls, and only let proven friends in.