When do you date again?

[Southern Cross]

Ok, help me through this one folks. I am currently going through a divorce. In a nutshell, there was infidelity involved, I tried to get my marriage back together, but it's not working and I finally got fed up with the lying and said I'm not coming back. We are just working through some of the details before filing the paperwork.

It's actually been three years of hell. So I'm sort of well adjusted to the fact a divorce is in the works. I don't want to seem flippant about it, it's not what I wanted, but after a while you just deal with it.

Anyway, I've met someone really, really nice. I am not involved with her beyond phone conversations and emails. I am wary of trying again. Besides the fact that I'm not divorced yet.

So when is it ok to date? I've been asked out (not the first time, I just didn't want anything to do with the others). I really like this person, but something feels wrong about even going out to dinner. My thought is that if she's that interested, she'll wait. But divorce proceedings can take a while. I'm not talking about a relationship here, merely a date, but there is certainly the potential for more later on. And I think the whole "let's go out as friends" thing is bogus. A date is a date is a date.

I guess I've always been of the mind that when you are married, you act as if you are married, and you wait until the divorce papers are signed. But all my Christian friends are telling me it's ok to date, but they have no scriptural support for either side.

There really is no reasonable chance for marriage reconciliation - What do you all think of this? Is a dinner date and a movie a bad thing at this point? It's strange, I really don't mind being alone for the rest of my life at this point. But I will admit I have been lonely for a long time and I'm not sure my judgement is reliable his case. Thoughts?

 

[Yitzchak]

Ideally you wait until the divorce papers are signed. But as you said, divorce can take a while. Most people who have been through a divroce understand what it is like to want to move on with your life and be waiting on just what is a technicality at this point. I guess it is a gray area. to be safe and ideal you wait. if you can't wait , most people who have been through it understand and many didn't wait also.

 

[heartnsoul]

It all depends on how you define dating. Dating in going to bed and having sex with someone? Or dating in perhaps getting to know someone better from friendship status to maybe "good friend" status? Talking on the phone and emails are good ways to communicate and get to know someone's thoughts, but dating and spending time with someone further enhances your knowledge of the person and what that person's character truly is (i.e. true colors) by observing her actions. It takes time to see the person's true colors. The more time spent and situations presenting themselves in the normal/natural course of a friendship/relationship, you will slowly learn about the person's character strengths and flaws, not to mention spiritual level and values. These are all important things to ascertain and learn before you decide if this is someone you want to marry. So, take your time and enjoy life. Yes, go to the movies, dinner, amusement park, church, etc... Go on with your life. You said you've been through 3 years of hell already, why continue depriving yourself of enjoying life? Actions always speak louder than words. So by all means, I would definitely want to see, date and get to know someone better. It's not a sin to date. As far as your divorce proceedings go, in my opinion--the divorce proceedings are just a formality. Truth be told from what you described, your marriage has been dead and "over" long, long ago. It was either a godly marriage or not a godly marriage. We're either for God or against God. So I say, move on brother. Get yourself a nice slice of NJ pizza, soda, movies and soak up the sun and life!!!

 

[Southern Cross]

Mmmm.. NJ Pizza! I grew up in NJ and will be there later this month. My mouth is watering!

No, I would not jump into bed with someone before marriage. Heck, not even sure I'd kiss them. must... control... these.... raging... 17 year old...horomones... aaaaakc!

I guess I'd have to set some ground rules. I think I'll wait for a while longer to start any regular dating. My soon-to-be ex wife is a good person at heart and somewhere inside I need to see things through. So maybe I'll just go out on occasional fun dates, like movies or TGI Fridays or SeaWorld. I'll take a heart check and see where I stand afterwards. As long as I don't give in to the dumb temptation thing I think all will be fine.

 

[madison1101]

This is my belief, based on my understanding of scriptures. I didn't date till my ex was remarried. He started dating the day after he moved out.

The marriage is not legally over till the divorce papers are signed by the judge. When that happens is beside the point. To become involved with another person before the divorce is final is equal to emotional adultery, making you no better than the woman you left. Scripture equates lust with adultery, doesn't it?

I suggest waiting on the Lord, and the court. In the meantime, trust the Lord.

Last year, I dated and fell in love with a guy who originally told me he was divorced, but it turns out he was not divorced yet. He had no plans of getting back together with the wife, he just hadn't taken the time to file and make it legal. In the meantime, he was jumping in bed with women all over the planet, not mine thankfully.

This is my experience and belief. I do not judge you if you choose to do differently, but you did ask.
Madison

 

[Southern Cross]

And I appreciate your comments Madison. You speak from your heart, and I'll think about what you've said. You are making sense.

 

[JulesM]

I don't know if this helps, but my boyf was still married when we met - although he'd been separated from his wife for 3 years and divorce proceedings were in place. We wanted to start dating, but I felt God say to me 'not until the divorce'.
Our church also advised us that although the legal side seems like a formality if you've already moved on in your heart it is actually a legal process and until the end of that process you'r still married and therefore under your vow of marriage - so dating someone else would be adultery. It seemed kinda strong at the time, but I see now what they meant.

 

[Wakeup2god]

Hi Southern

I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago. I found that I really had to check my motives for wanting to date. Was I seeking comfort for my loneliness. It's real hard when you've been in a full on relationship. I was married for 11 years and it ended for the same reasons as yours. I made a few mistakes after the breakup but came to the conclusion that I should wait untill the paperwork was done. Also I believe the Lord would want you to find your peace in the situation you're in now before you venture into another relationship. We tend to steam roller over things in our desire to move on.

If she's serious she'll wait, that's what happened with me and my sweetheart. It was hard, we did date for a month or so before the papers came through but we wouldn't go beyond holding hands. Keep working on the friendship if you feel its right, it's a good foundation for a relationship. Get God in the middle and be patient.

Bless you

 

[Southern Cross]

Yes, that is the conclusion I'm coming to. There is no harm in waiting, but there could be great harm in dating too soon. I'll just keep things on a basic friendship level for now. Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, you've made perfect sense!

 

[Avaya]

As the wife of a man who dated before his divorce was final, let me just tell you to Please wait till the divorce is FINAL before dating. It's great to say hi to that person you've met and to chat with her, but please, please wait till the divorce is final before asking her to dinner or even to lunch. You and she will both be so grateful later on down the road if the relationship turns into something long term,that you waited until your tie to your wife was completely severed. Most especially if you have children. You will want to be able to say that you did not ever pursue any relationships while you were still married. Best wishes!!!

 

[The Bushman]

1Co 7:10 And unto the married I command,yet not I, but the Lord,Let not the wife depart from her husband:
1Co 7:11 But and if she depart,let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife.

You have two options remain single or be reconciled with your husband

 

[mdwood]

I had to write on this subject because it hit so close to home! I totally agree with everything Madison said. The divorce is not final until the judge signs the papers and is adultry if you are looking for the proper biblical way to handle this. I can also tell you that 3 years ago I met a man and started seeing him one week before the divorce was final. Yes I did what I am now saying is the biggest mistake I have ever made. We were together 1 year and planned on getting married. Things were wonderful and we were so much in love. I have never had a more wonderful relationship in my life and he couldn't tell me enough how much he loved me for standing by him through all the tough times after the divorce. Come to find out, he had not even started the healing process when I met him although he assured me when I specifically asked him that things had pretty much been over for years since she was then already living out of state. Boy was he wrong in his response to me. It ended up that he was still in love with her. I was his first relationship and ended up a rebound at that. He was so emotionally messed up that he didn't know what he wanted and kept this to himself for a while before he blindsided me with the news. Please, please take it from me that there is certainly a healing process to go through that involves everything to sadness to anger to a few other emotions before you finally come full circle to forgiveness! This process takes a while. I feel it's alright to date. I'm not saying it's not, after the divorce papers are signed, but please please give yourself time to heal and enjoy finding yourself again before you get other people involved in your life.

 

[Crazy Liz]

I think I'll wait for a while longer to start any regular dating. My soon-to-be ex wife is a good person at heart and somewhere inside I need to see things through.

This sounds wise. One thing that hasn't been mentioned so far in this thread is the practical situation that new relationships can vastly complicate a divorce case. If it's been 3 years since your divorce petition was filed (I'm not actually sure whether that is what you said, or whether the 3 years was from when you separated or from when you found out about her affair or what) then you are having some difficulties reaching a settlement - financial, child custody, or what, I don't know, but you are still either fighting or carrying on complicated negotiations.

Now, this doesn't sound logical at all, but we human beings don't always act logically. When one spouse begins a new relationship, those jealous emotions rear their ugly head. I know it seems hard to believe because it's not logical, but often the unfaithful spouse gets really angry and vindictive when the faithful spouse starts a new relationship. It will complicate your divorce settlement, an may cause it to take even longer to settle.

And if you have children, things get even more complicated. Children, even if they live with the other parent, will find out when a parent starts dating. They will have feelings about this. If the parents are having any difficulties dealing with custody and visitation, a new relationship is going to make this aspect of their divorce more complicated. Again, it may not be logical for the kids to get upset just because of dinner and a movie, and they may have already adjusted to the other parent's dating and/or new relationship(s), but kids are emotional little humans who don't always behave logically, either. Also, kids have a whole different kind of logic than adults. There is a reason for all the folklore about wicked stepmothers and fairy godmothers. Young children are likely to view the new woman in your life as one or the other. The fairy godmother can be just as bad as the wicked stepmother because if it doesn't work out and you split, then you may re-traumatize your kids. Or the kids may make unhealthy comparisons between the new person in a parent's life and the other parent.

I think you're wise to take it slow from a practical standpoint, not just from the POV of Christian ethics and morality.

 

[Southern Cross]

1Co 7:10 And unto the married I command,yet not I, but the Lord,Let not the wife depart from her husband:
1Co 7:11 But and if she depart,let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife.

You have two options remain single or be reconciled with your husband

First, I am the husband. Her adultery and not caring how much she hurt our marriage is the main reason behind the divorce. We have tried to work through the affair, forgive each other for past wrongs (yes, I did and said some things I shouldn't have throughout the marriage), but it still takes two to make a marriage work. Eventually, if you are rejected enough and treated with enough disdain, you push the other person away. So, divorce is justified in this case, and your comment is off topic and there are a book full of facts to consider. Months ago, while all of this came to a head, many of us debated what was right and wrong and examined it from a scriptural and common sense point of view. I don't want to rehash that discussion again.

 

[Southern Cross]

If it's been 3 years since your divorce petition was filed (I'm not actually sure whether that is what you said, or whether the 3 years was from when you separated or from when you found out about her affair or what) then you are having some difficulties reaching a settlement - financial, child custody, or what, I don't know, but you are still either fighting or carrying on complicated negotiations.

Thanks for your thoughts, Crazy Liz. It is wiser to wait. But no, we have not been in negotiations for 3 years. I spent about two years trying to figure out why my marriage went from good to really bad in such a short time, and then the last year I've been trying to understand what needed to be done to put it back together. I think the decision to pursue a divorce finally came up about 4 months ago. I guess I had about as much as I can take.

Negotiations have been easy - we've agreed on a basic child support figure, the last step is to see a mediator. Here in Florida, it doesn't take much to go through the process. The only way there would be a fight is if she went after alimony. I will help her establish her own life if at all possible. I still care about my wife, she is the mother of my young children, and I will provide for them as much as I can. That includes going beyond mandated child support and shared custody.

Anyway, I mentioned above that I've explained so much of the past three years in previous posts which have been deleted by now. I don't really want to go into detail because there is just too much to repeat again. Let's just leave it at that I was emotionally and physically drained and depressed, and I decided to stop putting up with it. There is a very slim chance of reconciliation, but my wife would have to make some major changes in her life, and I just don't see that happening or any remorse for actions which tore us apart.

Again, thanks for your thoughts. I will consider your comments carefully!

 

[Living Soul Dance]

Ok, help me through this one folks. I am currently going through a divorce. In a nutshell, there was infidelity involved, I tried to get my marriage back together, but it's not working and I finally got fed up with the lying and said I'm not coming back. We are just working through some of the details before filing the paperwork.

It's actually been three years of hell. So I'm sort of well adjusted to the fact a divorce is in the works. I don't want to seem flippant about it, it's not what I wanted, but after a while you just deal with it.

Anyway, I've met someone really, really nice. I am not involved with her beyond phone conversations and emails. I am wary of trying again. Besides the fact that I'm not divorced yet.

So when is it ok to date? I've been asked out (not the first time, I just didn't want anything to do with the others). I really like this person, but something feels wrong about even going out to dinner. My thought is that if she's that interested, she'll wait. But divorce proceedings can take a while. I'm not talking about a relationship here, merely a date, but there is certainly the potential for more later on. And I think the whole "let's go out as friends" thing is bogus. A date is a date is a date.

I guess I've always been of the mind that when you are married, you act as if you are married, and you wait until the divorce papers are signed. But all my Christian friends are telling me it's ok to date, but they have no scriptural support for either side.

There really is no reasonable chance for marriage reconciliation - What do you all think of this? Is a dinner date and a movie a bad thing at this point? It's strange, I really don't mind being alone for the rest of my life at this point. But I will admit I have been lonely for a long time and I'm not sure my judgement is reliable his case. Thoughts?

Never go against your conscience!

If your heart is saying wait until the divorce is final, then that is what you do. This could be the Holy Spirit guiding you! Do not second guess him! It could be a temptation you do not want to FALL in too!



Minister Richelle

 

[jenelis]

Hi Southern Cross.

I've been away from Christian forums for quite a while and it's sure nice to see familiar people! My life has been crazy lately!!! Somehow I remember quite a bit about your situation.

I think you will hear lots of opinions on both sides with your question. Remembering back to youmoving into an apartment... I am a firm believer in the fact that God wants us to be happy. This said, its not a licence to "do it if it feels good," but I'm glad to see you finding a level of happiness. I personally think you should meet the girl, go to dinner and see if you are compatable as friends. No one says you have to fall in love, have sex or even kiss her. I can hear your integrity-- I feel you won't cross the line.

Good luck. Trust in the lord. Let us all know!

 

[Southern Cross]

Hey Jenelis,

Nice to hear from you again! No, I never did go out with her. Just didn't feel right about it. My wife and I have been working on getting back together and we're going to give it one more shot. THere's just too much to throw away. While I still don't trust my wife all that much, I'm really seeing God working in her heart. Whatever happened to her over the past three years is slowly melting away, and I'm seeing the old Pam come back - and some new things as well. Bottom line, my kids really need me there too!

 

[SirKenin]

Let me put it this way. The divorce is nothing more than voiding a piece of paper. A worthless, useless, no good waste of a tree.

A marriage is a covenant. Not a contract. To be married in God's eyes you don't need a piece of paper. You don't need a ceremony. You don't need to mash the cake in your partner's face. And you certainly don't need to waste a ton of money on costume jewelry.

To form a covenant, you take a vow between your spouse, and God, for life. It is a triangle. God at the peak with you two in the corners. There's no government in there. No minister. No family. No friends. Just you, your spouse and God. You consumate this union by moving in together and having sex. It's plain, it's simple and it is all God mandated.

God also mandated fidelity. When you bring someone else into the triangle, it is no longer pure. You have broken the triangle. You have defiled the marriage bed. You have destroyed your covenant. This is why Jesus conceded infidelity for divorce, or as he said, pornea, or fornication. Paul said to let the unbeliever leave. These are the ONLY reasons to break your covenant with God or you WILL be held accountable.

So, bearing that in mind, your marriage is already over. It's done. You don't need the governmental rubber stamp. It's finished. The stamp only certifies the obvious. So, then, it is totally up to you when you feel like dating. However, and a big however, you must make sure you have learned the lessons that need to be learned, admit and accept that it is as much your fault as it is her fault, and dealt with the baggage before you move on or already you are on the road to another divorce and you haven't even gotten out of the starting gate.

Make sense?

 

[MJT82]

So, bearing that in mind, your marriage is already over. It's done. You don't need the governmental rubber stamp. It's finished. The stamp only certifies the obvious. So, then, it is totally up to you when you feel like dating. However, and a big however, you must make sure you have learned the lessons that need to be learned, admit and accept that it is as much your fault as it is her fault, and dealt with the baggage before you move on or already you are on the road to another divorce and you haven't even gotten out of the starting gate.

Make sense?

So when would you say a marriage is "over" in God's sight? If a marriage is separated is that as good as being divorced? Or what if your spouse files for divorce, but it isn't final for a few months. Would it already be a divorce even though there is time through our court system to void the divorce until its final?