When Did You Know?

[Laurel Crowned]

When did you first realize that you had some sort of mental disorder/illness?

I realized when I went away to college back in the late 80's. I was spending more and more time crying and being depressed. My entire demeanor changed from being a sunny high school girl to a morbid, morose college junior. I started seeing a college therapist for my depression and was told that I had PTSD from some childhood abuse issues. I was also told that I was classic ACA (adult child of an alcholic). PTSDACA... scramble them up and what do you have? Cat Pads. Which makes about as much sense as all the "help" I got in college.

I didn't realize I had a "mental illness" until I saw a commercial in the mid 90's that listed all of the symptoms I was experiencing and then said, "... you may be suffering from a mental illness." I just KNEW in that moment that I was... but I didn't get help for it until the late 90's. I always knew something was wrong... I used to think I was crazy. Nobody likes to admit that they have a mental illness because of all those stereotypes of people walking around hospital wards drooling and talking to themselves... but it was a relief to know that I had a treatable neurological condition and I was just a nutcase.

 

[fireaboss]

I always knew there was something "wrong" with me. I majored in Psychology in order to figure it out. But alas, my irresponsible behavior got me pregnant AGAIN. So at 19 I had to quit college to get married -- by 23 I was divorced with 2 kids. Married at 28 I was depressed all the time -- one dr told me to get a life! I prayed he would tell me I had cancer and that I was going to die. Well that was 20 some years ago. During my 20s and 30s I would walk into church and feel hateful and homicidal to all those people -- what's up with that! Other times I would be all full of love! The night I told my husband I fantiszed about stabbing him to death pretty much ended my marriage. I was THAT FULL OF RAGE -- my enjoyable form of mania! My diagnosis finally came about 10 years ago after that marriage failed. But still, the hardest thing for me as a Christian with this disorder is admitting that I actually do have a disorder. I tried all the spiritual remedies I could think of. That is my biggest struggle -- worse than the depression -- that this is my fault -- that I caused it -- that I can cure it with the right behaviors and thought processes. But I still go around asking my self "What is wrong with me." Even with the diagnosis -- I still wonder -- do I really have it?

 

[Laurel Crowned]

But still, the hardest thing for me as a Christian with this disorder is admitting that I actually do have a disorder. I tried all the spiritual remedies I could think of. That is my biggest struggle -- worse than the depression -- that this is my fault -- that I caused it -- that I can cure it with the right behaviors and thought processes. But I still go around asking my self "What is wrong with me." Even with the diagnosis -- I still wonder -- do I really have it?

Fireaboss,

You really have to get out of my head. I often have that same struggle but I take it a step further: if God ever does decide to heal me, how would I know? I can't just go off my meds and see what happens. Would it be an act of faith or complete stupidity to do so? Those are my thoughts. Since I see no signs of the mania since I've been on the lithium, it's easy to think that I'm not bipolar. Since all I feel is depressed, more depressed, and really depressed... and ANXIOUS (let's not forget Anxious)... it's easy to feel guilty, like I'm not being a good Christian in my thoughts and attitudes which in turn fuel my depression.

 

[fireaboss]

Laurel: I am SO THANKFUL I have found a kindred spirit. It's so easy to feel like we are the only one who feels this way. Up until I joined this board -- I was convinced no Christian could ever understand my thoughts, and that I was the ONLY Christian who felt this way. HOW ARROGANT OF ME!?!?! You are the first person who spoke my thoughts!!! What freedom that has brought to me! Your journal also spoke to me that God truly is big enough to handle this -- He has a plan for me in spite of it -- and He can use me mightily. Thank God -- this mental anguish is not going to be used for nothing. God does have a plan for all of our suffering, and He works it together for our good and for the good of others! Thanks for being here -- for being so real -- for sharing yourself with us!!