When death seems appealing

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Well I'm not off to the market buying rope as we speak so relax people.
I'm not at risk anytime soon, but I have to admit that the anxiety I'm struggling with more or less daily is taking it's tall on me.

I have been thinking about ending my life ever since I was a teenager, but my Catholic faith has functioned as a heavy break on any seriousness in my destructive thought pattern.
I'll not risk a eternity away from God who I love so much, but yet at times I wish to die.

The weirdest thing is that the only time when I've ever wanted badly to live was when I suffered from advanced cancer. Why did I hold on?
I'm asking myself that question frequently...

I'm unemployed as we speak, but I'm studying at the university so I'm not really hanging around doing nothing.

Furthermore I'm experiencing these panic attacks every now and then with great distress attached to them as well as a always existent depression.

I believe most people think of me as a positive and happy guy due to my smile, cause I do smile all of the time, on the surface that is.
There is a deep, deep dualism in my personality. On the surface I'm joyful, but deeper down I'm very miserable.

If I hadn't believed in and loved Jesus I'd killed myself already, but I know what he demands of his disciples and killing oneself isn't one of those attributes.
This puts me in an awkward position where said dualism is very painful.

I like to think of Soren Kierkegaard as an example and a role model as he too suffered from a very similar dualism of the soul.

I don't know why I posted this thread, perhaps it was due to a need of letting go of some steam or something?
I don't know.

If you don't know how to respond to this thread then I understand you perfectly, but if you could then please pray to Lord Jesus for me.


Thank you for reading and God bless your soul. Amen.

 

[A_Thinker]

Well I'm not off to the market buying rope as we speak so relax people.
I'm not at risk anytime soon, but I have to admit that the anxiety I'm struggling with more or less daily is taking it's tall on me.

I have been thinking about ending my life ever since I was a teenager, but my Catholic faith has functioned as a heavy break on any seriousness in my destructive thought pattern.
I'll not risk a eternity away from God who I love so much, but yet at times I wish to die.

The weirdest thing is that the only time when I've ever wanted badly to live was when I suffered from advanced cancer. Why did I hold on?
I'm asking myself that question frequently...

I'm unemployed as we speak, but I'm studying at the university so I'm not really hanging around doing nothing.

Furthermore I'm experiencing these panic attacks every now and then with great distress attached to them as well as a always existent depression.

I believe most people think of me as a positive and happy guy due to my smile, cause I do smile all of the time, on the surface that is.
There is a deep, deep dualism in my personality. On the surface I'm joyful, but deeper down I'm very miserable.

If I hadn't believed in and loved Jesus I'd killed myself already, but I know what he demands of his disciples and killing oneself isn't one of those attributes.
This puts me in an awkward position where said dualism is very painful.

I like to think of Soren Kierkegaard as an example and a role model as he too suffered from a very similar dualism of the soul.

I don't know why I posted this thread, perhaps it was due to a need of letting go of some steam or something?
I don't know.

If you don't know how to respond to this thread then I understand you perfectly, but if you could then please pray to Lord Jesus for me.


Thank you for reading and God bless your soul. Amen.

I think that many christians have periods when death seems preferable to the life they have to face. I certainly have.

I will pray for you.

Does it help you to know that people who don't know you will be praying on your behalf for your relief ?

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

I think that many christians have periods when death seems preferable to the life they have to face. I certainly have.

I will pray for you.

Does it help you to know that people who don't know you will be praying on your behalf for your relief ?

I don't know... maybe?
Thanks for prayers brother.

 

[bangmegafan]

Sorry to ask you like this

You said you wanted to live when you had advanced cancer

Have you recovered now

<staff edit>

Remember Abraham, Moses, Apostles after Jesus crucifixion -

Abraham was given promise but it took his life time and went under many traits

Moses, God promised new land to Israel but Moses went through so much trouble and traits for many many years

Apostles were confirmed by Jesus that Jesus is living God.. but they were not sure when Jews confirmed Jesus was dead and he is not living God at all

Abraham, Moses and apostles never lost their faith.. If they are in your position why would have committed suicide but their faith made the difference

Abraham stayed strong in his father, and Issac was gifted

Moses was strong and obeyed his father and new land was given to Israelites

Apostles, when they prayed together with great faith, they have received holy spirit and spoken in tongues. They performed miracles. Through Apostles, Christianity was spread across world

<staff edit>

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

<staff edit> You should live, not just because God wants you alive, but also to serve as an inspiration for other people who are fighting cancer and need positive models to lift up their spirits through their fight.

 

[Gå£GöTЂã]

When I read the words of your lament, I am reminded of one who is daily engaged in intercessory sighs & groans, suffering without words, without yet fully realizing why...<staff edit> Simply, you just know too much and life is often unbearable because of that... so you are homesick. You long for rest. You seek peace. It may help you to know there are others like you that find death quite appealing, as an end to metaphysical pain. Personally, my struggle has been to combat the apparent dualism by consciously & daily forcing myself to move from a position of reluctant messenger to one of co-intercessor with the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ is in control no matter how painful this is in my body, which is temporal and inadequate. The only thing that keeps me alive is knowing His coming is imminent, right at the door, and my only source of joy is hidden within the anticipation of seeing Him as He really is. I will pray for you, too.

 

[589]

Hi (new here)

Why are you worried, what's stressing you

Many saints, even Christ they went into the wilderness and never once thought about suicide. Life forces nothing on you. In Genesis the only reason we exist is to be alive, and live life on this Earth (sure it's a mess). But in the end, you need nothing. Stress is overrated. Chill out, go to a remote place, preferably nature and just kick back, build a fire. Say a prayer. Bring a bible along.

I actually read the entire bible, and many times again like this.

It works for me whenever i'm a bit depressed. People are always so concerned with worldly life and all responsibilities yet none of it is neccecary.

Hope you will feel fine soon

 

[Sarah G]

I struggle with similar issues. I am praying for all those suffering with this affliction. May God pour His mercy out upon us all, in the name of Lord Jesus Christ. May the Holy Spirit always be with us.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Suicidal thoughts aren't rational in their very nature and I don't claim that mine should be considered an exception.
I just shared what I'm struggling with, a window into my daily cross.

As I said in my op I don't know the aim with this thread of mine. I'm just close to give up sometimes.
The cancer argument is actually a weird one cause afterwards I've felt nothing but emptiness inside.

I have thought of writing about this in an article and have it published in the cancer association or something. Perhaps others share my feelings?

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Admin Hat

This thread has undergone some edits. Please remember that posts in recovery are for supportive and encouraging responses to the original poster and to each other. Spiritual warfare may not be discussed in any manner in recovery.
​

 

[Gottservant]

The bible does warn there is a point at which death is the only answer (Revelation), as Jesus said "everyone will be tested, every sacrifice will be seasoned with salt" - the point is that that death can be purely spiritual.

If the death is purely spiritual, there is no suffering.

By the same token, only ever desiring freedom from suffering is itself torment.

I can see how you would struggle with this.

 

[Blessed Each Day]

Well I'm not off to the market buying rope as we speak so relax people.
I'm not at risk anytime soon, but I have to admit that the anxiety I'm struggling with more or less daily is taking it's tall on me.

I have been thinking about ending my life ever since I was a teenager, but my Catholic faith has functioned as a heavy break on any seriousness in my destructive thought pattern.
I'll not risk a eternity away from God who I love so much, but yet at times I wish to die.

The weirdest thing is that the only time when I've ever wanted badly to live was when I suffered from advanced cancer. Why did I hold on?
I'm asking myself that question frequently...

I'm unemployed as we speak, but I'm studying at the university so I'm not really hanging around doing nothing.

Furthermore I'm experiencing these panic attacks every now and then with great distress attached to them as well as a always existent depression.

I believe most people think of me as a positive and happy guy due to my smile, cause I do smile all of the time, on the surface that is.
There is a deep, deep dualism in my personality. On the surface I'm joyful, but deeper down I'm very miserable.

If I hadn't believed in and loved Jesus I'd killed myself already, but I know what he demands of his disciples and killing oneself isn't one of those attributes.
This puts me in an awkward position where said dualism is very painful.

I like to think of Soren Kierkegaard as an example and a role model as he too suffered from a very similar dualism of the soul.

I don't know why I posted this thread, perhaps it was due to a need of letting go of some steam or something?
I don't know.

If you don't know how to respond to this thread then I understand you perfectly, but if you could then please pray to Lord Jesus for me.


Thank you for reading and God bless your soul. Amen.

I'm so sorry you're going through what you're going through. The devil likes to mess around with us, and it's easier when we get down and more dejected; he feeds off of it. I know it's cliche, and you've heard it probably a hundred times before, but you've got to be strong. When you have those thoughts just laugh and say, "Nice try!" One of my favorite quotes of Kierkegaard (I have it written on my whiteboard) is, "And so it is also with the natural man, he is ignorant of what the dreadful truly is." No matter what kind of pain I have, or whatever struggles life throws my way, I think of this quote a lot (I know it's not Scripture, but Kierkegaard was a fierce Christian and I feel comfortable in the knowledge he presents.) An actual quote from the Good Book would be, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivereth him out of all" (Psalms 34:19)

There's too many things down the road that God has planned that preclude us from leaving this life early. We obviously don't have the sight to see them, but we need to experience them! God bless you, and be strong! PM me if I can help, I've had several friends/family members deal with such existential problems in the similar phase and I'm always available to talk!