What's the matter with us?

[PassionFruit]

I'm asking this question about those of us who don't fit our gender roles, those of us who don't fit the standards of masculinity and femininity.

Is there something broken inside us?

Like for me, I feel like i have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Is there something broken in a woman who doesn't have this? Or a guy who doesn't have the desire to take on the role as a leader? Is there something wrong with him?

 

[Balugon]

Everybody is different. "Standard" gender roles can often simply be stereotyped gender roles, ones that society has taught everyone that "this is how you should act." But it doesn't mean that is how we should act. Some people were born to fly, others to dig to the center of the earth, and yet others to sail the ocean blue. If we say that everyone has to only fly, or that everyone has to only be sailors, we destroy the gift of variety that we have been given.

If by no maternal instinct, you mean you have no desire for kids, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you mean you hate kids, it might be because you simply don't know how to handle them right so that it becomes fun and enjoyable, and learning this latter part can take a long time. Of course, kids also require a certain amount of energy, and that is an additional issue.

As for me, I don't have any huge qualms talking about feminine stuff, or braiding hair (if a girl taught me), or etc etc. A lot of guys would say that is wrong, but really they only think that because they believe that all men should only act macho and go play in the mud. I have no problem choosing to take up a leadership position or building huge bonfires or going rock climbing; I simply choose to embrace all of what a man should be, instead of just the stereotypical view of it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You are fitting a role society has given you, ie 'A woman is supposed to work and not have children until she is ready.' By that time she often needs fertility treatments. Plus, you're probably on the pill which messes with your hormones. If you stayed home and weren't on the pill you'd probably think differently.

Of course I don't know you or your circumstances so this post might very well make me look really dumb to many people.

I know, assume.

 

[Inkachu]

It depends. God makes people different. I've always been a tomboy, always will be. I never wanted any children, either. I don't think I was choosing to be rebellious against "the typical Christian female" image, I believe it's just how God made me. The Bible says that God gives each person different gifts, talents, and measures of faith. We aren't all going to be clones of each other (thank God lol).

Now, if God is telling you what to do or be, and you're just staunchly refusing to listen (hello, Jonah! lol), then you're going to have problems But don't assume that other peoples' advice is God's will for you. Listen to HIM.

 

[PassionFruit]

You are fitting a role society has given you, ie 'A woman is supposed to work and not have children until she is ready.' By that time she often needs fertility treatments. Plus, you're probably on the pill which messes with your hormones. If you stayed home and weren't on the pill you'd probably think differently.

Of course I don't know you or your circumstances so this post might very well make me look really dumb to many people.

I know, assume.

I think you missed the point a little bit. What I'm asking is why should I fit the role that society has given me? Especially when this "role" doesn't fit who I am? Why should anyone forced to be something they're not because of what society says? And why are people who don't fit their roles are punished?

If by no maternal instinct, you mean you have no desire for kids, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you mean you hate kids, it might be because you simply don't know how to handle them right so that it becomes fun and enjoyable, and learning this latter part can take a long time. Of course, kids also require a certain amount of energy, and that is an additional issue.

Well I spent a lot of time around children and from my current position I'm going to work around them in the near future. I used to work for Jumpstart. I was mostly dealing with toddlers, which I thought was a fun job. So it's I know it's not a matter of hating them. But even being around them, it seems I still have no desire for them.

It depends. God makes people different. I've always been a tomboy, always will be. I never wanted any children, either. I don't think I was choosing to be rebellious against "the typical Christian female" image, I believe it's just how God made me. The Bible says that God gives each person different gifts, talents, and measures of faith. We aren't all going to be clones of each other (thank God lol).

Now, if God is telling you what to do or be, and you're just staunchly refusing to listen (hello, Jonah! lol), then you're going to have problems

But don't assume that other peoples' advice is God's will for you. Listen to HIM.

I feel that if I were to start behaving stereotypically feminine, that would be going against my nature in some way.

When I was a Christian, I came from a denomination that did place emphasis on 'proper' male and female roles. The women had to wear dresses or skirts because pants were considered men's clothing. I wouldn't have had a problem with this, but we weren't given the choice to decide. But even then, I felt that if I did start behaving in a way that was expected of me, it wasn't because it was something I desired, it was because I had to.

Even though I'm not a Christian, I can't bring myself to believe that God would place people in such rigid roles. For me, I feel that humans are far more complex than that. I know this is stupid for people who believe that men should be men and women should be women (whatever that truly means) but even something like gender roles isn't always black and white.
I think it's something worth thinking about though.

 

[Blank123]

i don't think there is anyone who is completely stereotypically feminine or stereotypically masculine, we tend to adopt traits from influential people in our lives both male and female which means we very well may end up with traits or interests as women that seem more masculine or men may pick up traits and interests that seem more feminine but that doens't necessarily mean anything is wrong.

 

[IreneAdler]

nada

roles are pretty much societal... generalizations... stereotypes

in fact, in math, some things have to be outside the mean because otherwise it wouldn't be the average.

(i.e. why bother averaging 5 and 5 and 5 and 5 and 5 and 5 and 5... cause you'll get 5 - big fat duh)

so some will be 1 or 2 and some will be 8 or 9... and most will fall between there and it will average out

 

[white dove]

I feel that if I were to start behaving stereotypically feminine, that would be going against my nature in some way.

When I was a Christian, I came from a denomination that did place emphasis on 'proper' male and female roles. The women had to wear dresses or skirts because pants were considered men's clothing. I wouldn't have had a problem with this, but we weren't given the choice to decide. But even then, I felt that if I did start behaving in a way that was expected of me, it wasn't because it was something I desired, it was because I had to.

Even though I'm not a Christian, I can't bring myself to believe that God would place people in such rigid roles. For me, I feel that humans are far more complex than that. I know this is stupid for people who believe that men should be men and women should be women (whatever that truly means) but even something like gender roles isn't always black and white.
I think it's something worth thinking about though.

It's strange.. because a part of me wants to say God creates people differently, to fulfill different roles and purposes and another part of me wants to say that people can break out of even those seemingly-natural roles.

I've seen people who had similar stories as Ink in that they were not motherly/desiring any children or they possessed a love for animals much more than humans... yet these women turned out to bear children and LOVE it. The same can be said for women and men who do not desire children at all and do not reproduce. I don't think that's a flaw though, as some people are just not meant to reproduce or they are intended to adopt or may choose to go through surrogates. Likewise, just because people can reproduce doesn't mean that they should (this is, unfortunately, very evident in the world). As far as men stepping up to be the leader... you know that men are conditioned to lead. Many cultures have that so ingrained within, it permeates everything else; influencing women's roles, as well.

 

[IreneAdler]

(I didn't want any kids before Z either. Situations change people. Sometimes people just don't get in situations. Eh. s'ok. agree with dovie)

 

[Inkachu]

Imagine how hard it is to explain to men that, just because I have a child doesn't mean I want more kids, I never wanted one, but I love this one with every fiber of my being, but that's totally against my nature, and I don't want anymore...I'm a walking contradiction, lol. Seriously though, the only reason I love my son SO much is because God gave me the grace to become a loving mother. Trust you me, I had NOT ONE motherly bone in my body when I was pregnant. And when my son is grown and gone, I can't imagine ever, ever, ever going through it again.

 

[K9_Trainer]

No, there's nothing wrong with you. If there is, then there must be something wrong with me too

I am lacking in the emotions department; there are a lot of things people do and have emotional gushes over that I just don't understand, I can't empathize with. But so what? I can still function in this world just as well as what would constitute a "normal" woman.

Kids is a hit or miss with me. I wouldn't say I have much of a mothering instinct, I don't have a drive to nurture. But I do want kids to raise and teach. I've found that a lot of my woman science and psychology professors that were similar to me almost treated their kids as a science experiment Not gonna lie, I would totally be behind the biology and psychology of growth and development XD Which certainly isn't a bad thing. Its important to realize what a child's limits are when it comes to learning and comprehension and to realize what you do in every day life that the child is learning and how your behavior and your speech influences theirs.

 

[PassionFruit]

Imagine how hard it is to explain to men that, just because I have a child doesn't mean I want more kids, I never wanted one, but I love this one with every fiber of my being, but that's totally against my nature, and I don't want anymore...I'm a walking contradiction, lol. Seriously though, the only reason I love my son SO much is because God gave me the grace to become a loving mother. Trust you me, I had NOT ONE motherly bone in my body when I was pregnant. And when my son is grown and gone, I can't imagine ever, ever, ever going through it again.

That's interesting, see I would assume that 'motherly instinct' would automatically kick in as soon as a woman is pregnant. But I see what you're saying. And I see that for some women, once they have one child, it's like they don't want anymore after that.

No, there's nothing wrong with you. If there is, then there must be something wrong with me too

Yaaaaay, I'm not the only one!!

And it's not just about having children, it's with not having the desire to get married, but for me I'm pretty much indifferent towards it. Because seriously, that's all women want is to be married and raise a family.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Yup, I feel ya

I'm indifferent. I can see myself happy and single, or happy and married, happy with kids, happy without kids. I'm a fan of making my own happiness in life Finding a man and getting married has never been a priority, or really even on the list (that I don't keep). But alas one managed to find me, which is fine too

 

[Im_A]

I'm asking this question about those of us who don't fit our gender roles, those of us who don't fit the standards of masculinity and femininity.

Is there something broken inside us?

Like for me, I feel like i have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Is there something broken in a woman who doesn't have this? Or a guy who doesn't have the desire to take on the role as a leader? Is there something wrong with him?

I have a hard time trying to dictate what is wrong with someone basing it on the majority of people.

Simply because, say with you. You say you have no maternal instinct but you live a productive life for society and those around you and yourself. Why is that lack of a maternal instinct dictate something wrong? The guy that doesn't feel the need to be a leader. If he is leading a productive life for himself, society and those around him, why is it wrong for him to not want to be a leader?

 

[Apollo Celestio]

I've always felt secure as a guy, being a guy.. even if I was not "like the other guys" I admit I don't really fit the man "society" expects, but I'm not effeminate either. Talking with K9_Trainer has revealed there are girls that are as "un emotional" as I am, but I always saw her as a "her". I don't really try to expect roles out of people and try to be "Live and let live." Of course you'll double-take the extreme types.

 

[127.0.0.1]

I don't want kids either.

I've heard stories about women not wanting kids and then winding up with them and loving them with every fiber of their being. I've also heard a story about woman who didn't want a kid, had a kid, still didn't want it, and now it's complicated.

Some people love their children, and the fact that we even have child protective services just shows that some people don't.

At any rate, there's nothing wrong with not having any kids. Even if you don't marry, there's nothing wrong with that. Heck it's better to at least hold out for Mr./Mrs. Right then settle for some hoser for a husband ya knob!

 

[Qyöt27]

I've always felt secure as a guy, being a guy.. even if I was not "like the other guys" I admit I don't really fit the man "society" expects, but I'm not effeminate either. Talking with K9_Trainer has revealed there are girls that are as "un emotional" as I am, but I always saw her as a "her". I don't really try to expect roles out of people and try to be "Live and let live." Of course you'll double-take the extreme types.

This is largely true. There are simply some things physically - like my height - that preclude trying to fit into a stereotype, which is much of how I see gender roles at all. Culturally-bound stereotypes, because it differs from region to region.

Doesn't mean I don't find myself avoiding things that would make people look at me funny, but that's less about the perception of masculinity and more about my self-protection instincts.

 

[PassionFruit]

At any rate, there's nothing wrong with not having any kids. Even if you don't marry, there's nothing wrong with that. Heck it's better to at least hold out for Mr./Mrs. Right then settle for some hoser for a husband ya knob!

Makes you wonder where are the "Thank God you didn't marry the wrong man/woman" cards.

 

[Windmill]

I'm asking this question about those of us who don't fit our gender roles, those of us who don't fit the standards of masculinity and femininity.

Is there something broken inside us?

Like for me, I feel like i have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Is there something broken in a woman who doesn't have this? Or a guy who doesn't have the desire to take on the role as a leader? Is there something wrong with him?

There is nothing wrong with you or anyone else that doesn't fit the "gender roles". There is very little else to say other than that.

 

[Tink]

Blind post:

God created you and He didn't make you broken. There is a reason for the way He made you, so take rest in that.