What would you do?

[whatdoido2]

I'm a mom of a 9 year old. I'm very career driven. I have a good job but my hours are m-f 1 to 10pm. So my ex has gotten custody but I have dinner w my son every night on a break and I have him every other weekend.

Now I've befn offered a great job with normal hours for my son. But it's 3 hours away. My ex is refusing to relocate with our son.

What would you do if you were me? Would you leave and only see your child every other weekend?

 

[dayhiker]

I guess if I wanted my son in my life that I'd not take the job.
If I was satisfied with seeing my son every other weekend and vacations than I would consider it.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If it were me and I were career driven, I'd see if I could work out a schedule where I get him for more consistent chunks of time, like for a few weeks each summer, or a month, and over holiday breaks. Or maybe work out a mid-way dropoff point to still meet once a week for dinner.

Otherwise, I'd keep looking for a job more like what I needed closer to home.

Did your parenting plan outline what to do if one or the other has to move? In our parenting plan, neither parent can unanimously decide to take the kids or to deny/change visitation without concessions if somebody has to move. So like, if my husband got a job and had to move, his ex couldn't make it hard for him to go or forbid him from going at the expense of not compensating with time equal to what he had before the move. So if he had them 3 nights a week and every other weekend and moving made the evening visitation hard, he'd get extra weekends and holiday/summer time. His ex can't just say "no" and limit/reduce access to the kids. We may have to pay travel expenses and there may be an increase in how much we pay in child support, but we still get to see them the same amount.

Same goes if she leaves... We still get the same amount of time, it's just spread out differently.

Check your parenting plan, it may be outlined there.

 

[whatdoido2]

Thanks for your advice.

My issue is that I have a terrific job -- in my son's town. But, I have met a man that I want to marry. He lives 3 hours away. I was able to get a good job offer there (a little less money)....but I have not been able to get my ex husband to agree to move there, too. He COULD -- but he just won't. He seriously dislikes my boyfriend....

Now, it really isn't my ex's fault. My BF threatened him because he was angry for constantly harassing me ...and THEN -- my BF had the thought that I was cheating with my ex husband and had me followed ...and had my ex husband's house staked out by a private investigator.

So-- it's been volatile. Now that my BF and I are back together and are on track to live together/get engaged...my ex husband is going to flip out. He was angry ..the first time ..to learn that I want to take this new job...3 hours away.

What would be EASIEST -- is for me to stay in my son's home town and tell my BF goodbye -- but somehow I just can't. I've tried and I love him so much. Maybe I sound insane?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Wow... Yeah, whatever I did wouldn't include the boyfriend.

 

[whatdoido2]

What do you do when you have a relationship like k described and you are still so in love....that's the hard part for me.

Does that sound that crazy?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

You say "I love you, but you have trust issues and act crazy and controlling when we have issues. I can't have that because there is a child involved." Then you leave.

Choowing between ambition and child in a way that slightly lessons your time with them is one thing... Choosing between a child and a boyfriend is another.

 

[lindart]

Thanks for your advice.

My issue is that I have a terrific job -- in my son's town. But, I have met a man that I want to marry. He lives 3 hours away. I was able to get a good job offer there (a little less money)....but I have not been able to get my ex husband to agree to move there, too. He COULD -- but he just won't. He seriously dislikes my boyfriend....

Now, it really isn't my ex's fault. My BF threatened him because he was angry for constantly harassing me ...and THEN -- my BF had the thought that I was cheating with my ex husband and had me followed ...and had my ex husband's house staked out by a private investigator.

So-- it's been volatile. Now that my BF and I are back together and are on track to live together/get engaged...my ex husband is going to flip out. He was angry ..the first time ..to learn that I want to take this new job...3 hours away.

What would be EASIEST -- is for me to stay in my son's home town and tell my BF goodbye -- but somehow I just can't. I've tried and I love him so much. Maybe I sound insane?

From what You have written you are not on solid footing and your priorities appear misplaced. My advice, step back and re-evaluate what is important. Take time to be still and hear God.

 

[Odetta]

Your BF's behavior raises red flags to me. To be jealous in the first place, and then to act on that jealously like he did.... Please remember that these type of things tend to get worse once married, not better. There are tons of posts on this site from people in bad marriages with a common refrain - "He did this before we married, but I married him anyway, and now I'm miserable." I'd give careful thought to continuing this relationship.

 

[mommame2]

these are great thoughts.

 

[whatdoido2]

I guess I just wonder how abnormal my BF's behavior is --

He wanted my son to come live with us of course - but, my ex husband, of course, is prohibiting this...

Fights happen -- but he had me followed by a PI and my ex husband found out that I was being followed while I was at dinner with my son....and he is using that as an example of why this is an unstable situation for a 9 year old.

Mind you ...this PI was following me -- AFTER my BF had told me if I didn't turn on my location services on my IPHONE (so he could track me)....and come back home -- that he would cut off my credit card --

Of course that left me with out money and no place to stay.

So, I asked at 11pm at night if I could sleep on my ex's couch or with my 9 year old -- he said yes.

So, my BF got that report back from the PI and went crazy and told me that he was REALLY done -- because he thought I had something going on with my ex husband.

I told him he was CRAZY -- that he forced me into that...because I had no where to go! I had no money. I couldn't even get a hotel. No credit card -- and not even gas money. And I CALLED my BF and Texted him before I went there-- begged him to help me. He did not respond to me. I even simply asked him for gas money -- no response. So, when I saw someone following me -- I called police. I was scared -- and I drove to my ex husband's house -- and told him I was very nervous.... and I got the license plate etc..

Anyway, he has since apologized and we were repairing everything and he wants to get engaged etc... ASAP. The problem now? My ex husband now knows that I had to call the police...


How does one ever repair this?

If it were me and I were career driven, I'd see if I could work out a schedule where I get him for more consistent chunks of time, like for a few weeks each summer, or a month, and over holiday breaks. Or maybe work out a mid-way dropoff point to still meet once a week for dinner.

Otherwise, I'd keep looking for a job more like what I needed closer to home.

Did your parenting plan outline what to do if one or the other has to move? In our parenting plan, neither parent can unanimously decide to take the kids or to deny/change visitation without concessions if somebody has to move. So like, if my husband got a job and had to move, his ex couldn't make it hard for him to go or forbid him from going at the expense of not compensating with time equal to what he had before the move. So if he had them 3 nights a week and every other weekend and moving made the evening visitation hard, he'd get extra weekends and holiday/summer time. His ex can't just say "no" and limit/reduce access to the kids. We may have to pay travel expenses and there may be an increase in how much we pay in child support, but we still get to see them the same amount.

Same goes if she leaves... We still get the same amount of time, it's just spread out differently.

Check your parenting plan, it may be outlined there.

 

[dayhiker]

whatdoido ... I have no idea why you'd want to repair a BF who treated you that way!

 

[Messy]

Please run while you still can, think about your kid and listen to your ex. He sounds reasonable and interested in his kid, like my ex, whom I should have listened to. Put off the pink glasses and trust me, better run. Your bf sounds like my second exhusband. He tried to choke me in the end.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I guess I just wonder how abnormal my BF's behavior is --

He wanted my son to come live with us of course - but, my ex husband, of course, is prohibiting this...

Fights happen -- but he had me followed by a PI and my ex husband found out that I was being followed while I was at dinner with my son....and he is using that as an example of why this is an unstable situation for a 9 year old.

Mind you ...this PI was following me -- AFTER my BF had told me if I didn't turn on my location services on my IPHONE (so he could track me)....and come back home -- that he would cut off my credit card --

Of course that left me with out money and no place to stay.

So, I asked at 11pm at night if I could sleep on my ex's couch or with my 9 year old -- he said yes.

So, my BF got that report back from the PI and went crazy and told me that he was REALLY done -- because he thought I had something going on with my ex husband.

I told him he was CRAZY -- that he forced me into that...because I had no where to go! I had no money. I couldn't even get a hotel. No credit card -- and not even gas money. And I CALLED my BF and Texted him before I went there-- begged him to help me. He did not respond to me. I even simply asked him for gas money -- no response. So, when I saw someone following me -- I called police. I was scared -- and I drove to my ex husband's house -- and told him I was very nervous.... and I got the license plate etc..

Um... None of that is even a little normal. Frankly, it sounds like he's showing you all the warning flags that he is a potential abuser.

What I don't think he gets and I highly suspect you don't get either, is that when you marry somebody with kids from another relationship and that other person is in the picture, you're essentially marrying the kids and the ex too. That needs to be accepted, and it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't get that AT ALL. Any guy that is putting you in a spot to say "it's me or your kids" needs to be shown the door. Any guy who enforces that through stalking and PIs, needs to be shown the door and the door needs locks changed.

As somebody who's a stepmother, let me just tell you... It is the most thankless, exhausting, stressful thing I've ever done. In many ways, it's harder than having your own kids. If his attitude about it is to go into psycho mode when you maintain a relationship with an ex for the sake of the kids, it's going to make your life just miserable. It won't get better, it'll get worse.

Anyway, he has since apologized and we were repairing everything and he wants to get engaged etc... ASAP. The problem now? My ex husband now knows that I had to call the police...


How does one ever repair this?

Your ex husband is right to not want your child to be involved in this. Some things can't be fixed and not everything is worth repairing. I'd say a broken relationship with a guy who goes fruit loops is one of the things not worth fixing, but the relationship with your child is.

Wanting to rush to get engaged is a red flag. It's a bandaid, or worse, it's leverage to escalate his already alarming behavior. Isolating you from your son, raging out over contact with your ex, taking away privacy, money, and a home if you disobey? That's not stable for you, much less your child.

 

[whatdoido2]

Well, what I should have done is let the relationship end... Last weekend. But instead, I got sucked back in. And now we've had a great week together... It makes this SO much harder.

He also told me last night that he is having a criminal attorney secretly run a FBI type background check on my ex husband and he was hoping to use that as leverage on him...

Now I'm thinking... He's probably having the same done to me...

 

[abysmul]

I'm a mom of a 9 year old. I'm very career driven. I have a good job but my hours are m-f 1 to 10pm. So my ex has gotten custody but I have dinner w my son every night on a break and I have him every other weekend.

Now I've befn offered a great job with normal hours for my son. But it's 3 hours away. My ex is refusing to relocate with our son.

What would you do if you were me? Would you leave and only see your child every other weekend?

I divorced when my daughter was 18 months old. I got primary custody, I would have done anything for that custody, no job on this Earth is worth not being there with and for her. Yes, I was a single dad with a little girl still in diapers, and it was an amazing experience! She's about to turn 18 now (2 weeks), and an honor student and has a 4.0 right now, I'd not have missed a moment of that.

It's your call, what is more important to you, your child or your job? (remember, your son will indeed come to his own conclusions about your choices, maybe not today, or next year, but one day he will)

 

[abysmul]

Well, what I should have done is let the relationship end... Last weekend. But instead, I got sucked back in. And now we've had a great week together... It makes this SO much harder.

So are you saying that your personal pleasure and enjoyment comes first, and your child second? If that's your priority, perhaps it is best you move away from your son and take the volatile boyfriend away.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well, what I should have done is let the relationship end... Last weekend. But instead, I got sucked back in. And now we've had a great week together... It makes this SO much harder.

It shouldn't make it harder... You had your great week, capped off from a pretty lousy few months it sounds like. You can't fix that level of insanity with one great week.

He also told me last night that he is having a criminal attorney secretly run a FBI type background check on my ex husband and he was hoping to use that as leverage on him...

You need to get out and get out now. He is spending thousands of dollars to violate your ex's privacy. You need to tell your ex so that he has an opportunity to legally protect himself, keep an eye out for your boyfriend and his insane behavior, and to protect your child, legally and physically.

Here's a sobering thought... In my state, we have laws that outline the rights and protections of stepparents and their stepchildren. If my husband and I divorced, I'd have to answer in court if I wanted three way joint custody, and if I got it or not would have to do with our stepson's best interest, not what his father or mother want.

Ask yourself if you want to give this guy unfettered access to custody of your son. If it's his house and he's the primary financial support of your household, he'll have a good leg to stand on.

Now I'm thinking... He's probably having the same done to me...

This is a guy who's showing you that he will be an abuser. Get out now.

 

[Annessa3]

aside from the BF is a controlling fruit loop parts, why didn't he consider moving to your town, where you already have a career & a son?

 

[whatdoido2]

He is far more successful in his town as a surgeon and he has 3 kids there.