What would you do with this?

[mommame22]

Sometimes I recognize God works in mysterious ways. I am really, really struggling this week.

My husband and I divorced a few months ago. But it was a very bad scenario as you might read in another older post. My husband wanted me to file for bankruptcy alone...so his credit wouldn't be ruined. That would require him to be separted/divorced from me so he wouldn't get hit with the debt...as my husband. It's 50/50 in my state.

Anyway, I was angry that he wouldn't file with me. But he wanted to get back together after I went through with this... so he wanted me to defraud the courts. So, I thought - ok. I'm going to go through with this and the divorce is going to be REAL. I'm not going to live a lie.... as he wishes...just to keep his credit clean. So, I quietly filed for divorce. And I told him when it was final. When I told him I REALLY wanted a divorce and was not filing bankruptcy...he was sad. He was angry...but we have separated before and discussed divorce.

He then asked me to try a retreat. I told him I would think about it. I started living with a girlfriend...and let him and our son have the $$$$ lease because I wanted my son to have a stable home. I work 12 hours a day and see my son daily by going to the house to take him to school and then having dinner with him. I just sleep at my GF's house.

I recently started seeing another Catholic man who also just divorced and annulled. We've started dating and I did not disclose the specifics to my ex. Mind you I'm still paying all the bills etc for him. Well..last weekend he had our son. I told him that I had a work trip that I would be out of town. I was instead doing a work/pleasure trip at a conference in Las Vegas. My BF was there too. My mother saw this on FB and called my EX and told him. SO he flew off the handle. Started harassing me. Telling me I'm a horrible mother. Said he was going to send me to federal prison for the bankruptcy issue noted above. Said he was taking our son away from me. Told me he hated me....and that he was locking me out of MY house. Worst off - he told our son that I was a liar. Told him (8 years old) that mommy lied and was in Las vegas with her new boyfriend (which my son knew nothing about) and that mommy is a horrible woman who no longer loves him anymore.

My son now tells me he hates me and is so distraught. He's living primarily with my ex and I have barely been able to see him.

Then, this morning I went to the house to take our son to school...(so I could at least see him) and my ex tells me that he wants to try to work things out. Even offered to have another child with me. Says that he still loves me and wants me back. Meantime ...he's told ALL of our friends -- his family and MY family that I'm a harlot who was cheating on him while married (not true) and that I have lost my mind. My own family won't talk to me. ANd they call him to console him daily.

HIS family hates me ...but now he wants me back? Says that if I stop seeing the other guy....we can work through all of this.

I am truly lost and broken. My son hates me ...my friends/coworkers now think I'm a harlot...and my family is gone. How do I move on from this?

What would you do?

 

[DZoolander]

I would tell the ex-husband to go to hell, I would explain to anyone who cares to have an opinion on the matter that having a boyfriend when you're divorced is not cheating, and I would figure out a way to get the son to understand (that will probably take some time) - but revolve it around

divorce/boyfriend does not equal cheating.

That's what I'd do.

 

[DZoolander]

To that end - I really don't understand people that involve others in their personal business - and then try to "reconcile".

Like when I divorced my ex-wife. It was at least a year or two before I told anyone I knew the reasons for our divorce (which caused a lot of grief, honestly, but it illustrates the point I'm trying to make) - primarily because despite how bad things had become, I couldn't 100% guarantee that the divorce would be permanent at the time or that we wouldn't reconcile. I saw people reconcile all the time.

The last thing I needed, if that were to happen, is a bunch of people that knew our business carrying that information around as we tried to "rebuild" (if that had happened). I didn't need my mom knowing those things, my dad knowing those things, our friends knowing them, etc....because I could not imagine ever re-introducing her back into those circles with that information out there forever screwing things up for her (and me)..

So - to that end - I think your ex is a moron and incredibly crappy to involve everyone in your business and then offer reconciliation. Tell him to go to hell for that. How exactly is *THAT* supposed to be fixed? Ya know?

 

[mommame22]

I agree...

But, I must ask...would you even consider getting back together with my ex?

He says it would be best for our son. Well yeah...anything is better than telling him non stop that mommy is a liar and doesn't love him.

Ex is very very remorseful now...trying to kiss me and tell me he wants to learn how to fall in love again...etc etc.

I don't know.... I don't FEEL anything for him....but I do recognize that this is a very toxic situation. Maybe it's my ego - but how do I face people saying I got back with my ex ...after I have already been dating etc...and he has ruined my name.

Sorry Zoolander...just saw your updated post...referencing my question. Thank you....

 

[DZoolander]

Check out the post I made just after my first response.

You can't.

 

[DZoolander]

I just read your other post - from way back when.

Sounds like you were married to a man-child - and leaving the child in his custody was probably a bad idea.

 

[mkgal1]

There are laws about parental alienation (what your ex is doing). I know very little about family court/custody.....but you may need to get that addressed in court.

 

[HannahT]

I would tell the ex-husband to go to hell, I would explain to anyone who cares to have an opinion on the matter that having a boyfriend when you're divorced is not cheating, and I would figure out a way to get the son to understand (that will probably take some time) - but revolve it around

divorce/boyfriend does not equal cheating.

That's what I'd do.

I have to agree here. Man-Child is how I would describe him and his behavior as well.

If he was truly 'remorseful' he would find ways of repairing what he damaged - your reputation that he tore for one thing. Yet, if I were guessing he would be the type to do that under 'conditions' - which isn't remorse.

 

[mommame22]

I hear you...he says he has tried to tell his family and mine that he had some responsibility in this too....but it is pretty bad. He just freaked out and now I've lost so much and I have a very public/high profile job. Yes, I was open and visible about dating this new man on FB etc...but that's because I was divorced.

He is trying to tell everyone that he didn't know we were divorced...and that I must have been seeing the other man before the divorce. (not true).

So...now what? I am supposed to take him back? I just don't know how to do that...considering what's transpired. It is SO much easier acting civilly...he thinks I am considering it...and even kissed me etc....but I just don't know how to undo what has happened.

Telling people all of that...then threatening to send me to prison for fraud..... after HE was the one who asked me to do something unethical... And take our son away from me? Saying he's going to "ruin me"....and my reputation as a public figure. That's a lot....and his response is "I was hurt.."

 

[ValleyGal]

You have a boyfriend, but only 5 or 6 months ago, you were trying to figure out if there were grounds for divorce, and you referred to him as your husband. Imo, your life is far too complicated to try to introduce another man into the situation, and probably too soon, if you really are divorced.

You are divorced? I think I missed that in the other thread... but now that I know this, stop paying his bills. Period. Isn't he the one who got you into so much debt in the first place because he wants a house with a yard, etc for his business he runs from the garage? And isn't he the one who dwindled away your $6k insurance cheque from your stolen wedding band? Stop paying his bills. Let him grow up. You don't live there, so pay a little every month for child maintenance and leave it at that. Stop trying to bail him out when you've got a hole in your own boat.

Your son is 8. Have a frank talk with him and let him know that you and your ex are not getting along right now, so sometimes you both might say things that his ears should not hear. Let him know that he needs to have a respectful relationship with you both, and he needs to form his own opinions of you both based on his relationship with each of you and not on your relationship with his father.

 

[ValleyGal]

FTR, next time ANYone asks you to do ANYthing unethical, don't do it. You are a public figure and the last thing you need to do is get involved in any kind of scandal. Learn to say no...

 

[mommame22]

Yes -- divorced. It was filed back in June.

I guess I'm just wondering is there any chance that I should try to reconcile?
It's clearly a tough situation...and I'm trying to make sure I don't screw everything up.

It seems like hell right now... and I just want the best for our son.

 

[LinkH]

It sounds like your husband has made some big mistakes and handled some things poorly. He's done some things out of anger.

You said you quietly filed for divorce and told him when it was final. I'd be pretty angry too if that happened to me. Divorce isn't something you spring on someone like that.

If I were you, I might try to reconcile because of what the New Testament says,

Matthew 19,
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)

If I were him, and you hadn't slept with the other guy, I might try to reconcile, too.

I Corinthians 7
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
(NIV)

Jesus didn't say you could divorce and remarry if your husband had some questionable financial practices. You don't have to go along with something you consider sin, but two wrongs don't make a right. This may be a point where can renegotiate some of these financial things.

You said you found another Catholic man. You mean your ex was Catholic, or you are? If you an your ex were both Roman Catholic, I don't see how the RCC would have agreed to your divorce as being legitimate. Is he sincere about his faith? Would you want to date a man who'd be willing to get mixed up in a situation like this, a fresh divorce in your situation with your ex? Even if we set the teachings of Jesus and morality aside, your ex and your son have just had to deal with the family being blown apart. If you dated some other man, your son isn't going to like it, anyway, but it sounds like the wounds are really, really fresh right now. How do you expect him to feel?

 

[LinkH]

You have a boyfriend, but only 5 or 6 months ago, you were trying to figure out if there were grounds for divorce, and you referred to him as your husband. Imo, your life is far too complicated to try to introduce another man into the situation, and probably too soon, if you really are divorced.

 

[LinkH]

I hear you...he says he has tried to tell his family and mine that he had some responsibility in this too....but it is pretty bad. He just freaked out and now I've lost so much and I have a very public/high profile job. Yes, I was open and visible about dating this new man on FB etc...but that's because I was divorced.

He is trying to tell everyone that he didn't know we were divorced...and that I must have been seeing the other man before the divorce. (not true).

If you filed quietly and he found out late, he's just dealing with being divorced and BAM! you have another man. How would you take that if it happened to you.

So...now what? I am supposed to take him back? I just don't know how to do that...considering what's transpired. It is SO much easier acting civilly...he thinks I am considering it...and even kissed me etc....but I just don't know how to undo what has happened.

I'm a pretty pro-reconciliation guy, especially when there are kids involved. I know I'm going against the flow here. I don't condone all these things you've told us about your ex. I'm also not in favor of divorcing a man as a wake-up call to get him to change. But now that you are in this situation, he may be willing to make some changes.

You could take a slow path to reconciliation. You could go to marital counseling and financial counseling with him. This could be a chance for him to repent and also to rethink his role as a provider and how he manages what the Lord has entrusted with him, financially, and otherwise.

Telling people all of that...then threatening to send me to prison for fraud..... after HE was the one who asked me to do something unethical... And take our son away from me? Saying he's going to "ruin me"....and my reputation as a public figure. That's a lot....and his response is "I was hurt.."

Those are all hurtful things. Sometimes people say extreme things when they are angry. And "BAM! We are divorced. Here are the papers. Look at my new boyfriend on Facebook" could be over-the-top hurtful to a person, just as hurtful as some of the things he's said to you. Also, his seeing you with a boyfriend of Facebook could have been a very embarrassing, shaming, hurtful thing to him.

If you do reconcile, how can you get over it? How can you feel for him? Those are tough questions, but people who do choose to forgive can get passed such things over time. Many people have recovered after finding a spouse has had an affair for a year during the marriage. They've got similar feelings and questions. But some of these couples overcome, get through it, and the offended party forgives the other.

Instead of asking how can I feel this way or that way or overcome this or that, pray and ask the Lord what He wants to do and look in the Bible for answers. Then ask the Lord to help you with your feelings and help you to feel what you need to feel.

If you do reconcile, this could be an opportunity for him to change and go back into the marriage doing things differently.

 

[ValleyGal]

No. It was hell back in March, so what are the chances it would be any better now? Especially after all these new problems with him talking to your family, lying to your son, and with this new guy (seriously, you don't need that right now; you need to get your life sorted out, and you only filed 3 months ago)....unless you like drama. If you do, then go for it. But when I read situations like yours, I want to crawl under a rock! So many people have this kind of drama then wonder why they have a heart attack by age 45. Personally, I run fast and far from this kind of thing...it's just so unhealthy!

What does your divorce decree say? Does it outline custody and child maintenance, visitation, division of assets, etc? Whatever the judge ruled, that's what you should abide by.

Tell your family that you divorced at your ex's request for financial reasons - and that it was not in your favor or in your best interest. Tell your son that he needs to make up his own mind about you based not on what your ex says about you, but on what he knows to be true from your time together.

Get a financial planner and get back on your feet. And by all means, talk to your divorce lawyer and tell him what you did. He cannot disclose because of lawyer privilege, but he will possibly provide you with alternate courses of action, such as suing your ex for half of all the bills, including that 6k cheque he went and spent after you told him not to.

Don't get involved with anyone right now. Clean up your life and then decide if you want to reconcile - only after a long time where you can both prove to yourselves and to each other that you can have a mature, respectful relationship. As I said in the other thread, a peaceful divorce is much better for children than a conflictual marriage.

You say it's a tough situation....I think that's just because you're in the throes of a lot of emotional pulls, expectations, etc. To those of us who are more objective, it is not a tough situation. Rather, it's quite clear that just let the divorce be the divorce, and clean up the mess before creating any new messes.

 

[ValleyGal]

Link, when people get divorced, you can't do it without the other knowing. They need to be served papers, and then they have a certain time to file a response with the courts. The only time he would not know about it is if he was unavailable (could not be found, and that requires extensive people searches and a public ad in the papers looking for him).

I think what she means is that it was quiet from the extended family.

 

[mommame2]

Well the situation is odd. I had told my ex that I was filing divorce for REAL right before I was supposed to file -- for the case of bankruptcy. However, he diffused it and said he thought I just needed to calm down and he walked away. So for him to say he was blindsided...is not really accurate.
He knew we were REALLY separating...before this was formal. And we had discussed divorce several times over the last few years.

I agree that he was stunned and upset. He knew I was "talking" to this other man...but he was not aware I was going out of town with him. But, as divorced people...I didn't feel it was necessary to tell him. And I certainly didn't think it was necessary for him to tell our son that I was a liar.

 

[mommame22]

Well, he is saying that he wants to have the divorce redone (reason why he's threating to report me for Fraud).... because he says that while it's 50/50 and as he said "pretty fair" ...he's different. He started his own business etc and he needs more money from me than he got in the divorce. We live in Texas....so no judge is going to give him alimony. But....he doesn't seem to care. He wanted to threaten me ...so he could get more money. He wanted full custody of our son because he thinks I'd have to pay child support....

This in the end is all about money to him...I believe. He now feels the pinch. And he does NOT want to live on his own money.

Now, is it fair for me to cut him off completely? He said the divorce decree was 50/50 and had he known it was REAL ...he wouldn't have settled for that. But, in Texas...I don't think he'd have a choice. I told him the other day when he was threatening me to just tell me what he wanted...and I would try to help. But, now I know that he wants a LOT.

 

[ValleyGal]

I would leave it as it is and follow the divorce decree as it is. If he threatens to sue you, you can threaten to counter-sue with the fact that he is the one who wanted to divorce to avoid financial problems. Start recording every single phone call with him. I mean, his financial issues go back a long way, including spending YOUR 6k insurance cheque for your stolen/lost rings. In fact, print out all the threads here where you have talked about what happened and swear an affidavit to the fact that he is the one who initiated the fraudulent divorce. Document everything.

He may very well try to sue you for more than the 50/50 that's already in the divorce. He is unlikely to win, I would think. And if you share custody, there is no reason that you should have to pay maintenance if your son is with you half the time. Or you can state that you will be responsible for certain things for your son, such as extracurricular activities or whatever...to make sure it goes directly for your son's well being and not to your husband's poor spending habits.

He got what he wanted - the divorce. You told him it was for real, and that's that. Now it is very important to stick by what you say. Hold to your word. That is integrity. Let him experience the consequences of his own choices and his own behaviour - especially his own unethical choices that he has manipulated you into. That is boundaries.