What would you do with this?

[Avniel]

I think the reality is both of you don't need to be married to each other again. This situation seems to messy you divorced a man because he wanted to save his credit and keep some assets any bankruptcy attorney will tell you of that method it's a loop hold in the law. Regardless of if he wanted to lie to the courts or not is that really a reason to get a divorce? Maybe that's why he's telling everyone you cheated on him because I'm having a hard time believing you divorced a man because he was trying to save his assets and YOURS. Then instead of going with the plan you secretly file for a real divorce because your angry he wants to keep a good credit score in the house.

What I see is immaturity on top of immaturity and a bit of messyness on both sides. I think he should have told everyone both of you have a child and need to do some growing up. He needs some self esteem and self respect.

 

[HannahT]

Maybe that's why he's telling everyone you cheated on him because I'm having a hard time believing you divorced a man because he was trying to save his assets and YOURS. Then instead of going with the plan you secretly file for a real divorce because your angry he wants to keep a good credit score in the house.

It is messy I agree.

I don't understand WHY he doesn't just tell the truth about what happened. Using what you said above? I wanted her to file for divorce to save one of our credit scores from the effect of bankruptcy. Yet, you know what she did? She filed to just plain divorce me instead.

On the other hand I'm sure the truth may not be what he wants people to know either. I guess telling everyone she cheated makes him look better in the eyes of others.

In reality, I don't think you can truly do what he wanted to via a divorce anyway. Normally, you share the debt...or one voluntarily just takes it on. They both work, and it would have gone to both - unless of course they agree on something different out of court.

 

[mommame2]

Well he was not trying to protect my assets. He was trying to take the easy way out.

I think its hard for me to go back to someone who has done all of this and then told all of friends and my co workers that I'm a harlot. And then told them that he may reconcile with me for the sake of our son.


I mean that's tough for me to swallow.

 

[Avniel]

Well he was not trying to protect my assets. He was trying to take the easy way out.

I think its hard for me to go back to someone who has done all of this and then told all of friends and my co workers that I'm a harlot. And then told them that he may reconcile with me for the sake of our son.


I mean that's tough for me to swallow.

The way I see things I think both of you are equally at fault and flawed as spouses. I don't think you two should get back together particularly being that you have a son. I don't believe you should be dating this other man, I think you need to focus on your walk with Christ, being a better mother, a more mature woman and probably get some sort of help to work out your issues. Clearly both of you need to follow that advice.

Would you want to be with someone that you view as what he told your friends and co workers? He probably wants to be with you just because of your son.

 

[LinkH]

Well he was not trying to protect my assets. He was trying to take the easy way out.

I think its hard for me to go back to someone who has done all of this and then told all of friends and my co workers that I'm a harlot. And then told them that he may reconcile with me for the sake of our son.

I mean that's tough for me to swallow.

So you mean, you really did that? He asked you to divorce him to save some assets, with the intention of reconciling, and then you treated it as a 'real divorce' instead of a financial maneuvering (or maybe fraud depending on the laws of your state) and got a boyfriend? Is that how it went, or did you both have an understanding that the divorce was the end of the relationship?

 

[Angeldove97]

Just a reminder: If you are not married and/or do not have the married icon turned on for your account, you should not be posting in the Married Couples forum. Only married members may post in this forum and its sub-forums.

Posts have been reported and will be reviewed.

 

[contango]

He now says he doesn't know how we could ever repair this and that too much damage has been done. And he wants more $$$$ from me than what was given in the 50/50 divirce. He said the only reason he allowed that is he didn't realize it was for sure the final decree

This bit is weird. I can't say I've ever seen divorce papers but find it very hard to believe he could be served papers, agree to the terms, all the while not realising he was agreeing to terms and genuinely believing he could swing a better deal later on.

If I were to speculate I'd say he probably figured he'd sign and get it all over with, then realised you weren't going to crawl back to him and he wanted more money, so wants to try every trick in the book to get you to agree to a bit more.

The whole reconciliation issue is really for you and him to decide. I always find it surprising when someone divorces and has a new partner in a matter of weeks, and if my wife and I were ever to separate I think I'd be stunned to find her with another partner that fast. It would leave me wondering whether she'd been seeing him while we were still married, and merely add to the upset and confusion that a tense situation inevitably brings.

The financial issue seems pretty clear cut. If the judge awarded him 50% then he gets 50% unless you feel a particular desire to give him more. If you do give him more, there's no way of knowing whether he's going to be constantly coming back to you wanting more still. If you don't then sooner or later he's going to have to learn to live within what he's got or go and earn it for himself.

Wanting to start a business is all well and good but expecting your ex-wife to pay for it, as an additional expense to the divorce settlement, is a bit rich.

 

[mommame2]

Well right now the hardest part is dealing with his pain. He texts me pictures of himself naked. He is writing me poetry. He is writing love letters. Crying every time we talk. And I had our son last night and he started crying on the phone to him! My son says he cries a lot.

How do I deal with this?

 

[ValleyGal]

You let him cry.

Those are HIS emotions, not yours, and he is responsible for them, not you. Don't try to fix it for him otherwise it puts you and your son in the same position you left.

Emotions are not something to be fixed. He has legitimate feelings of pain, and hopefully he is learning from the situation and his response to it that his behaviour was unacceptable and he is now reaping the consequences of how he treated you. Let him experience those consequences. It's a natural consequence for what he's done. Don't try to rescue him from his emotions.

 

[DZoolander]

lol @ the sending naked pics

"Here's what you're missing!"

 

[LinkH]

If you two divorced for financial reasons with that understanding, with a plan to reconcile, I completely understand his comments about you at work and all his behavior to this point.

 

[Soma Seer]

You let him cry.

Those are HIS emotions, not yours, and he is responsible for them, not you. Don't try to fix it for him otherwise it puts you and your son in the same position you left.

Emotions are not something to be fixed. He has legitimate feelings of pain, and hopefully he is learning from the situation and his response to it that his behaviour was unacceptable and he is now reaping the consequences of how he treated you. Let him experience those consequences. It's a natural consequence for what he's done. Don't try to rescue him from his emotions.

I second ValleyGal's spot-on advice. Your ex's emotions are his and his alone. Only he is responsible for them. And if he claims that he cannot handle the pain, then he needs to find a therapist to help him work through it; that's a pro's job, not yours.

 

[mkgal1]

Isn't there laws against harassment? I'd ask him to stop making attempts to get you to change your mind, and ask him to stop harassing you about it. The only thing that needs to be communicated are details about the care of your son.

 

[mkgal1]

I second ValleyGal's spot-on advice. Your ex's emotions are his and his alone. Only he is responsible for them. And if he claims that he cannot handle the pain, then he needs to find a therapist to help him work through it; that's a pro's job, not yours.

I agree.....but it's also something to keep in mind that these aren't (most likely) true emotions, but just attempts to make Momma feel sorry for him (and trying to "win her" back). Either way......you're absolutely correct--that's up to him to find a resolution.

 

[mommame2]

I made an appointment to talk to a priest. Don't know if that's the best course of action....but it is where I'm at.

I spoke with my mother and sister today and they are in agony over me and my choices. They are so scared that I'm going to go to hell, because of all of this.

To answer some of the previous questions. My ex thought for awhile that this was just a "court" divorce -- not a real one. But, we have nearly divorced several times over the past 5 years and then 2 weeks before I filed -- I told him I wanted a REAL divorce...that I couldn't live the way we've been living any longer. I asked him to go to therapy again - as a last resort. He declined. So, to say that I surprised him with this ...is just not accurate.

Also, I know that divorce is wrong... but probably worse...is that I've fallen for a new Catholic man. He's amazing person...and we just "click"...I can't explain it. Will I go to hell for this? I have confessed my sins and I am applying for a Catholic annulment.

Meanwhile, as I mentioned, my ex is crying...pleading...begging and telling me he won't give up fighting for me now. That he loves me so much and he just won't be able to give up because his "heart grows more each day with love for me.."

And then, of course, there's the pictures of his "package" etc... that I get texted.

I am a mess. I feel terrible for divorcing. I don't love my husband anymore but I love him as a person and it KILLS me to see him in pain. I have considering going back...just to make all of this stress go away. My work is impacted, our son is an emotional wreck...but then I will lose the man I truly love.

I do not know what to do. But, I will say I don't want to end up in Hell. I am not a bad person. Have I made mistakes? YES! But, I want to change my life for the better.... and I don't know the best solution at this point.

 

[Historicus]

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