Gnarwhal
☩ Broman Catholic ☩
- Oct 31, 2008
- 20,860
- 12,590
- 38
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
I'll try to be as concise as possible, but I probably won't succeed:
What I look for:
1. A woman who thinks for herself. I'm not interested in a drone, especially when it comes to matters of faith. Nothing disinterests me more than a person who just regurgitates a select handful of bible verses and maybe some rudimentary theology but really there's no substance or ownership of what they believe. I'd rather have a person say they're not sure they believe something anymore and be honest about it, than a person just toe the line to keep up appearances.
2. Authenticity. I can't stress this enough. Just give me five minutes with someone and I can generally tell whether they're being genuine or not, and if they're not it's really difficult for me to be around them. Someone who's authentic about who they are, where they're at, what they believe, why they believe it, etc is a far more compelling person to me than someone who isn't.
3. Intellectual. Being able to carry on a stimulating conversation is key. I've been in relationships where we were on completely different levels intellectually. The problem wasn't that my ex wasn't smart, she was actually quite brilliant - the problem was that she refused to tap into that intelligence because of the anti-intellectual culture within her family.
4. Compassionate. This is also key. A woman who looks at those who Christ labeled "the least of these" and thinks to herself, "how can I help this? How can I serve this one person? How can I be a part of the solution on a macro level?" Someone who really takes to heart the concept that most of Christ's activity in the gospels involved serving the poor, the oppressed, the downtrodden, the widow, the orphan, the sick, the homeless, the hungry, the thirsty. He befriended the tax collectors, adulterers, the lame, the diseased, the blind - everyone who were societies rejects in his day.
5. Balanced. A woman who can enjoy exploring this big, beautiful, messy, compelling, broken, colorful world we live in but at the same time dial it back and appreciate a quiet evening reading a good novel or a lazy Saturday lying about the house.
6. Open-minded. People too often conflate "open-mindedness" with "moral or ethical compromise", which is a false dichotomy. Open-mindedness starts with listening to a person speak their heart and their mind and actually hearing them. Not let them talk and in the meantime working on the formulation of a rebuttal. That's not hearing the person. Open-mindedness means that you can have someone from halfway around the world move in next door to you, and you're willing to recognize that maybe all of your preconceptions about this person and the culture they came from were wrong. That maybe there is something worth learning from that person you sat down for a pint with whom you thought you were completely at odds with spiritually.
7. Moderate position on most issues. Radicalism deters me, it's one thing to feel strongly and passionately about certain situations. Like human trafficking or the genocide in Darfur. But when it comes to most political issues in America, things are polarized enough. The waters are so muddied that it's necessary we understand both sides, because these days they both tend to have merit. I had coffee with a hyper-conservative Republican girl the other day who's dreaming of becoming a political analyst for Fox News. To this day I have no idea how that date came to be, but I walked away feeling almost creeped out by the propaganda she went on about for half the meeting.
Red Flags:
1. Co-dependency. I have a zero-tolerance for this. Not in a "I'll sack you at the first sign of this" kind of way, but if she's not proactive in managing it, then the relationship is doomed. I say this as someone who's been on both ends of it, and co-dependency, sadly, is a cancer. Once it's attached itself by any measure to the relationship, the likelihood of the relationship surviving dwindles dramatically.
2. Vanity. It's really difficult for me to be around someone who's appearance ranks in their Top Three or Top Five concerns. I judge this fairly loosely though, because it seems like most women have more to deal with when getting ready than men. That being said, if a woman's wearing so much makeup that I could possibly peel off her face and have two separate faces... well I'm not into that. Some guys are, but it's not for me. Same goes for spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on clothes and shoes that might only get worn once. Or tens of thousands more than is necessary to have a car because it looks like it belongs in a music video.
3. Anti-intellectualism. This is a big turn-off for me. A woman who disrespects the intellectual, no offense, but I'm not even interested in hanging out with her. Intellect is what separates us from the animals, you can be damn sure I mean to use mine to the best of my ability, so if you're not going to do the same then we'd be better off going our separate ways.
4. Leans on her family excessively. *This one is more in the marital context than the dating one. A woman who looks to her parents and siblings for advice, guidance and information more than she does her own husband has priorities mixed up. When two people are in a relationship, especially a marriage relationship, they need to look inward for most things. Obviously there are exceptions, when it comes to expertise or specialized areas, but I think on most subject matter a husband and wife should turn to each other first. There were many, many times when my ex sought out advice and guidance from her parents or her older sisters before coming to me. I kid you not, 10/10 times the advice I did or would have given her ended up being more appropriate and/or correct too (her words). Much of it has to do with the significant other being more in-tune with the present situation than the parents and siblings are, unless they're still living at home in which case it may be a tie.
5. Black and white on all matters. It's 2015, we live in an Ultra High Definition color world, issues are not always a simple black and white matter. More often than not, people who insist something is black and white are flat out missing the point or they're stuck in an outmoded worldview that is more toxic than it is safe.
Runner-up lists:
What I look for: beer lover, beard lover, pet lover, likes camping, kayaking, cycling, classic literature, good taste in film, hipster, outdoorsy, outdoorsy hipster, classical beauty, has eclectic taste in food, music, movies, design and art; culturally relative, loves Lord of the Rings, loves Star Wars, gets stoked to play Risk and any variation thereof, can scarf a burrito with the big boys.
Red flags: constantly needs to be going, Type-A, flashy, can't name more than five presidents and at least three of them were in her lifetime, drinks wine but knows nothing about wine, thinks America is God's personal tool to "fix" the world, believes the rapture is a real thing, ethnocentric, likes country music, Holly Fisher.
Fin.
Upvote
0
