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That is a good question to ask. Was the OP ever interested in sex to a high degree?
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That is a good question to ask. Was the OP ever interested in sex to a high degree?I have found that most of these sexual desires are set when one is young.
Frequency of masturbation in high school and college is a good indicator.I have found that most of these sexual desires are set when one is young.
One either really, really liked it when they were young -- or could live without it -- low drive..
Do you feel resentment over the weight?
Do you feel resentment that you are in this relationship?
Do you feel resentment at God for not fixing the situation?
That is a good question to ask. Was the OP ever interested in sex to a high degree?
Is the woman at 30 there close to your wife's physique?
You are in the relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy. This forced responsibility on you in an unplanned and immediate fashion. Suddenly the child died and you are then freed again, unexpectedly, from this responsibility. You may be afraid of the commitment of parenting and this is making penetrative sex difficult because you don't want any part of another child. The issue in this scenario is not grieving, but fear of future responsibility
Or
You didn't want the relationship to start with and are hoping she will give up.
Either of these sound plausible?
I can answer this easily. She most definitely does not want another pregnancy. Not given her health problems (another pregnancy may kill her).
Actually, I was referring to you. And in light of what you just said, that may figure in. If she could die from a pregnancy, is that a factor in this? Is that impacting your thinking?
Wait, you aren’t sexually attracted to her or you’re not satisfying her sexually? Or you’re not having sex with her as much because you’re not attracted to her and that’s causing issues?
But during your time with your wife, is she applying any stimulation, or is the attention all going one way, toward her?
I'm not saying that its your fault you're not attracted to her; frankly thats out of your control. But how you respond to this feeling and what you let affect you IS in your control, and how much faith you choose to have in confronting this problem is also up to you, if you so pray for it.
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CodySmith said:She is young, so its like I cant sit her down and say "Honey I cant get it right for you because I'm not attracted to you. So we will just have to deal with it like this until you are healed or we die." Yeah that would not fly..
You do have a point, yeah.I agreed with you until this point.
What you like is under your control. A dog is controlled by its nature, but a human being--particularly a human being in Christ--is not controlled by his nature.
A man likes what he wants to like, and he can change what he likes at will. At will. The man who thinks he can't has merely given over control of his mind to his flesh.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. -- Proverbs 5
What does "wife of your youth" mean?
In those days of polygamy, the "wife of his youth" was the first wife that was arranged by a young man's parents. He had little or no choice in that wife.
Later in his life, if he became prosperous, he might select another wife of his own, younger and more beautiful.
But God says that a man's faithfulness should be to the wife of his youth, the wife he had not chosen himself, the wife who is now old and no longer as "pneumatic" as she used to be.
And in that wife, God says: "...let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
One pastor has said, "Always keep your wife as your standard of beauty. If your wife is thin, your standard of beauty should be thin. If your wife is thick, your standard of beauty should be thick. If your wife used to be thin, your standard of beauty should be 'used to be thin.' If you make your wife your standard of beauty, then all other women become sub-standard."
It is also completely alright to pray to God for sexual / physical attraction to your wife. And be patient with yourself, too.I should add...
No I do not 'relieve' myself. Havent in a long time.
She has a large desire/lust/awe for me.
I just simply have no physical/visual sexual interest in her.
We were married not for physical attraction as much as we had a child together. We had a child out of wedlock. We were in sin. We got married because I thought it was the right thing. That child is no longer. Passed away.
So here we are... she longs for me physically... I long 'to long' for her physically... I dont (the exact opposite of the norm). We both believe in God now. We didnt before. We are married.
Gotta admit - I walk the line in this discussion between both "sides". I don't necessarily mean this guy's case - because based upon what he's said and what he pointed to in the graph I posted - it doesn't sound like his wife has a HUGE problem. She isn't in great shape - but she's not a huge person either.
At the same time, however, I do take some issue with @RDKirk 's assertion that you can train yourself to be attracted to anything...that it's merely a matter of will and the desire to do so. While that's true to a large extent - there are limits to it and I think some important caveats do need to be made.
How exactly does that work in the case of (as @Tropical Wilds said) morbid negligent obesity? I'm not talking about people with just a few pounds to lose. I'm talking about the people that are MORBIDLY obese through every fault of their own. And there are people like that.
Could you "train" yourself to find that sexually appealing? And ought you?
I have serious questions about whether or not you could - and perhaps more controversially - I don't necessarily think (even if you could) that you should.
When I was a kid I was a pretty fat kid. By the time I got to my mid to late 20's - I got up to be around 340 lbs. Then a few things changed - and I made the decision to get rid of it. I dropped around 150 lbs in about 6 months - I went down to around 200 lbs (I'm 6'03") - and around 8% bodyfat. I kept it all off for about 10 years (then had kids and got a little sloppy and gained some back) - but now I've gotten rid of it again since I have more freedom now that they're a little older.
I can honestly say that's the best thing I ever did in my life for myself. And by and large - the reason why I was able to do it was entirely psychological. I made the decision and accepted the fact that being fat sucks. There is no good part of it. It will not get better - that is how the world is, I'm a part of that world, and that's good. The importance of that last part cannot be overstated. Because understanding that made it so that I was not being pulled kicking and screaming into the process while internally bemoaning how unfair it was. I believe that's why I was good at it when so many people aren't.
So I get some real caution flags when I read things where people are saying they ought provide some refuge or place of comfort for people with a real imperative to make changes. And if you're in the morbid negligent obesity camp - you really ought make some changes. Giving that kind of person a safe space IMHO does nobody any favors. "Hey, you're bound to a lark for the rest of your life with untold health problems, but for a few years you felt accepted".
I think that sometime change is necessary - and the more moral/loving thing to do is to press the issue. Now, how to do that in the context of a marriage, I don't know. I've never been faced with the issue. It would require some thought. But I do have a lot of problems with the "refuge" idea.
Once again - doesn't really apply in this case - lol - but I think it's important to qualify these types of conversations.
You're talking about two different people. Sure, one person may really need to make a change. That doesn't mean the other person can't change his tastes. But those are two different issues.
I'm specifically addressing the issue of, "I can't help what I like."
Now, I'll get down and gritty here as to why I fight that attitude:
Several months ago, I'm sitting in our youth service (I'm a youth leader) in a predominantly black congregation. I hear a young male voice behind me, "I just don't like dark-skinned girls. That's just the way I am."
I knew the kid, and I knew his mother--he's dark-skinned and his mother is dark-skinned."
So I turned on him and wasn't cuddly about it.
The only taste a human being is born with is a taste for sugar. Everything else is learned and taught...and can be changed at will.
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