What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

tall73

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I don't mind God testing me, or anything about me. This is all about her really. I want her to have what she wants, but I can't do it if I can't do it.

Do you feel resentment over the weight?

Do you feel resentment that you are in this relationship?

Do you feel resentment at God for not fixing the situation?
 
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Dave-W

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I have found that most of these sexual desires are set when one is young.
One either really, really liked it when they were young -- or could live without it -- low drive..
Frequency of masturbation in high school and college is a good indicator.
Should be discussed by every couple BEFORE they get married, IMO.
 
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tall73

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You have described you both as compatible. You have said the marriage is mostly happy otherwise. This issue is after some major trauma a couple years back, and adjustments after surgery.

It is very strange in the above circumstances for anyone to suggest divorce from a counseling standpoint. It sounds like we are missing information.

I am going to take some stabs in the dark based on what you have said so far. If any apply, let us know. If not, then no problem.

You are in the relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy. This forced responsibility on you in an unplanned and immediate fashion. Suddenly the child died and you are then freed again, unexpectedly, from this responsibility. You may be afraid of the commitment of parenting and this is making penetrative sex difficult because you don't want any part of another child. The issue in this scenario is not grieving, but fear of future responsibility

Or

You didn't want the relationship to start with and are hoping she will give up.

Either of these sound plausible?

If not, why do you think the counselor held out so little hope?
 
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DZoolander

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wk5ch8-21-638.jpg


Hold on a sec - lol. Now I know that BMI is a HORRIBLE indicator of obesity because it doesn't do well with muscle mass and can give "false positives" for obesity as a result of that. But - assuming that it's not muscle (fairly) -

Using this chart to get an idea...she's close to 30.

Is the woman at 30 there close to your wife's physique?
 
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Mountainmanbob

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The number 30 there looks like Mountain Lady. Don't tell anybody but she's 57 years old. She goes to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and watches what she eats.

Definitely, that guy that I see in the mirror needs to step it up a little.

I did go for a hike today with my best friend. Then we went out for lunch and each had a big fat carne asada burrito. Don't want to get too slim.

M-Bob
 
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CodySmith

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Do you feel resentment over the weight?

Do you feel resentment that you are in this relationship?

Do you feel resentment at God for not fixing the situation?

Yes/No - She is trying.... as she has for year after year. Organs are organs and will behave as they please - for her betterment or not (meaning her health issues).

No
No

That is a good question to ask. Was the OP ever interested in sex to a high degree?

Yes

Is the woman at 30 there close to your wife's physique?

Lol .... you're kidding right... BMI must not be a factual science. More like 39 according to that chart.

You are in the relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy. This forced responsibility on you in an unplanned and immediate fashion. Suddenly the child died and you are then freed again, unexpectedly, from this responsibility. You may be afraid of the commitment of parenting and this is making penetrative sex difficult because you don't want any part of another child. The issue in this scenario is not grieving, but fear of future responsibility

Or

You didn't want the relationship to start with and are hoping she will give up.

Either of these sound plausible?

I can answer this easily. She most definitely does not want another pregnancy. Not given her health problems (another pregnancy may kill her).



I know it is an unusual situation... I love her and she definitely loves me. I just cannot make her happy in bed... and I fear it is getting worse and she may take it out on herself in some bad way. The counselor said to get a divorce because apparently the counselor thought it was better for both of us to find other partners that can satisfy our needs... I think differently of course relying on the words of Jesus in Matthew. God apparently believes that whether needs are met or not... a commitment like marriage cannot be broken... no matter what the disappointment. I just hate that it is her that is disappointed.
 
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tall73

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I can answer this easily. She most definitely does not want another pregnancy. Not given her health problems (another pregnancy may kill her).

Actually, I was referring to you. And in light of what you just said, that may figure in. If she could die from a pregnancy, is that a factor in this? Is that impacting your thinking?
 
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Tropical Wilds

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Wait, you aren’t sexually attracted to her or you’re not satisfying her sexually? Or you’re not having sex with her as much because you’re not attracted to her and that’s causing issues? These are all very different issues. The first one is about sexual attraction, the second one about meeting another’s needs sexually, the last is about feeling insecure in the marriage because one partner told the other they’re just not into them anymore. If it’s the first issues you have to decide what you want and how to go about it, the second you have to figure out each other’s buttons to sexual reward, and he last you need to stop thinking about sex and reassure her in the marriage if (you don’t intend on leaving).
 
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tall73

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If it is not related to fear of pregnancy or risk to her due to pregnancy, then I think you need to re-examine what is going on.

As you get older, as was mentioned earlier, it takes more than just visual cues for things to work for a lot of guys.

And at the same time, there are a lot of guys who can get an erection from physical stimulation with no visual cues at all.

While it may have been enough in the past to become aroused because your wife was attractive, the failure to now may have less to do with your wife, and more to do with aging and the changes that brings.

You said you don't have a problem in general with impotency, just with your wife. I am guessing that means you have nocturnal erections as is normal for men.

But during your time with your wife, is she applying any stimulation, or is the attention all going one way, toward her? If any is not directed towards you then you might need to talk to her about ways she could do that. And that may be enough to then make the rest possible.
 
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CodySmith

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Actually, I was referring to you. And in light of what you just said, that may figure in. If she could die from a pregnancy, is that a factor in this? Is that impacting your thinking?

No. This is not a factor.

Wait, you aren’t sexually attracted to her or you’re not satisfying her sexually? Or you’re not having sex with her as much because you’re not attracted to her and that’s causing issues?

I'm not satisfying her because I cannot get it up because I am not attracted.

But during your time with your wife, is she applying any stimulation, or is the attention all going one way, toward her?

She trys really hard at stimulation but its not working because I am not attracted visually.
 
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RDKirk

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I'm not saying that its your fault you're not attracted to her; frankly thats out of your control. But how you respond to this feeling and what you let affect you IS in your control, and how much faith you choose to have in confronting this problem is also up to you, if you so pray for it.
.

I agreed with you until this point.

What you like is under your control. A dog is controlled by its nature, but a human being--particularly a human being in Christ--is not controlled by his nature.

A man likes what he wants to like, and he can change what he likes at will. At will. The man who thinks he can't has merely given over control of his mind to his flesh.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. -- Proverbs 5

What does "wife of your youth" mean?

In those days of polygamy, the "wife of his youth" was the first wife that was arranged by a young man's parents. He had little or no choice in that wife.

Later in his life, if he became prosperous, he might select another wife of his own, younger and more beautiful.

But God says that a man's faithfulness should be to the wife of his youth, the wife he had not chosen himself, the wife who is now old and no longer as "pneumatic" as she used to be.

And in that wife, God says: "...let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

One pastor has said, "Always keep your wife as your standard of beauty. If your wife is thin, your standard of beauty should be thin. If your wife is thick, your standard of beauty should be thick. If your wife used to be thin, your standard of beauty should be 'used to be thin.' If you make your wife your standard of beauty, then all other women become sub-standard."
 
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Tropical Wilds

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So if you’re not attracted to her visually, you’re not willing to attempt being attracted any other way (emotionally, spiritially, through physical stimulation, etc etc), you married for obligation and not love particularly, you won’t get checked for depression, you won’t try Viagra, and she’s working to meet you halfway on this by taking on a burden of attempting to lose weight and get you stimulated... Are you just looking for a spiritual consensus or peers to tell you that your best choice is divorce?

If you want to divorce her, go for it, but you aren’t solving the issue. The issue isn’t her, it’s you. When your next wife has medical issues, when she gains some weight, heck, when she gets old and she isn’t young and sexy, you’re going to be right back where you are now. Your wife is losing weight (no person should ever lose weight to get their spouse to want to have sex with her, but that’s beside the point), it won’t happen overnight. She’s is trying, it may take even a year or two. Hurrying her along isn’t an option. With a 30 BMI, it’s not even like we are talking about morbidly negligent obesity... We are talking still the average size of women in the US.

Then there will be the point she reaches, and I can’t believe she hasn’t already, where she self-examines and says to herself “we had a child, we lost a child, I got seriously ill, I had surgery, and in all of that he thought I was too unattractive to have sex with for gaining weight and being the same BMI as the model on the cover of the 2017 SI Swimsuit Issue...” and get justifiably upset. You’ve dealt with some huge things together, but it seems to just be meh because you’re “visually aroused.”

I personally don’t buy the “only visually aroused” deal. Unless you’re are 100% not at all self-gratifying during your celibacy looking at inappropriate content every time you self-gratify, there are other paths to arousal. Choosing to not take them is different than not getting there at all. And her satisfaction can almost certainly be achieved by other means regardless of your physical response if you were attempted to meet her halfway and at least attempt fixing this.

But based on the attitude here, it feels more like you’re looking for a way out, not a solution, to which I’d say she deserves somebody who appreciates her and wants to be invested in her and marriage to her. That’s not you and you aren’t attempting to make it you at this point. If you won’t try, there is no point to wasting her time. You won’t be the “good guy” in this scenario, though, nor would you be morally/spiritially right (which is what I think you’re looking for in this by mentioning the counselor says to get divorced). You’ll be the guy who dumped the woman he was married to only a couple of years after a traumatic experience and in the midst of her health issues because she was too fat. She can lose the weight, but that attitude is an ugly one you will find it impossible to shake as you go on in life.
 
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tall73

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CodySmith said:
She is young, so its like I cant sit her down and say "Honey I cant get it right for you because I'm not attracted to you. So we will just have to deal with it like this until you are healed or we die." Yeah that would not fly..

So, you are putting the entire blame on her for your inability to perform, and yet you will not tell her that--because it would not fly.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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Well, it wouldn’t fly, because it’s not her fault and she’s done and is doing “her part” to fix the issue. So what’s left? And even if she loses all the weight over night and is the picture of health, that doesn’t address the real issue.
 
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I agreed with you until this point.

What you like is under your control. A dog is controlled by its nature, but a human being--particularly a human being in Christ--is not controlled by his nature.

A man likes what he wants to like, and he can change what he likes at will. At will. The man who thinks he can't has merely given over control of his mind to his flesh.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. -- Proverbs 5

What does "wife of your youth" mean?

In those days of polygamy, the "wife of his youth" was the first wife that was arranged by a young man's parents. He had little or no choice in that wife.

Later in his life, if he became prosperous, he might select another wife of his own, younger and more beautiful.

But God says that a man's faithfulness should be to the wife of his youth, the wife he had not chosen himself, the wife who is now old and no longer as "pneumatic" as she used to be.

And in that wife, God says: "...let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

One pastor has said, "Always keep your wife as your standard of beauty. If your wife is thin, your standard of beauty should be thin. If your wife is thick, your standard of beauty should be thick. If your wife used to be thin, your standard of beauty should be 'used to be thin.' If you make your wife your standard of beauty, then all other women become sub-standard."
You do have a point, yeah.
 
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anna ~ grace

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I should add...

No I do not 'relieve' myself. Havent in a long time.
She has a large desire/lust/awe for me.
I just simply have no physical/visual sexual interest in her.

We were married not for physical attraction as much as we had a child together. We had a child out of wedlock. We were in sin. We got married because I thought it was the right thing. That child is no longer. Passed away.

So here we are... she longs for me physically... I long 'to long' for her physically... I dont (the exact opposite of the norm). We both believe in God now. We didnt before. We are married.
It is also completely alright to pray to God for sexual / physical attraction to your wife. And be patient with yourself, too.
 
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DZoolander

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Gotta admit - I walk the line in this discussion between both "sides". I don't necessarily mean this guy's case - because based upon what he's said and what he pointed to in the graph I posted - it doesn't sound like his wife has a HUGE problem. She isn't in great shape - but she's not a huge person either.

At the same time, however, I do take some issue with @RDKirk 's assertion that you can train yourself to be attracted to anything...that it's merely a matter of will and the desire to do so. While that's true to a large extent - there are limits to it and I think some important caveats do need to be made.

How exactly does that work in the case of (as @Tropical Wilds said) morbid negligent obesity? I'm not talking about people with just a few pounds to lose. I'm talking about the people that are MORBIDLY obese through every fault of their own. And there are people like that.

Could you "train" yourself to find that sexually appealing? And ought you?

I have serious questions about whether or not you could - and perhaps more controversially - I don't necessarily think (even if you could) that you should.

When I was a kid I was a pretty fat kid. By the time I got to my mid to late 20's - I got up to be around 340 lbs. Then a few things changed - and I made the decision to get rid of it. I dropped around 150 lbs in about 6 months - I went down to around 200 lbs (I'm 6'03") - and around 8% bodyfat. I kept it all off for about 10 years (then had kids and got a little sloppy and gained some back) - but now I've gotten rid of it again since I have more freedom now that they're a little older.

I can honestly say that's the best thing I ever did in my life for myself. And by and large - the reason why I was able to do it was entirely psychological. I made the decision and accepted the fact that being fat sucks. There is no good part of it. It will not get better - that is how the world is, I'm a part of that world, and that's good. The importance of that last part cannot be overstated. Because understanding that made it so that I was not being pulled kicking and screaming into the process while internally bemoaning how unfair it was. I believe that's why I was good at it when so many people aren't.

So I get some real caution flags when I read things where people are saying they ought provide some refuge or place of comfort for people with a real imperative to make changes. And if you're in the morbid negligent obesity camp - you really ought make some changes. Giving that kind of person a safe space IMHO does nobody any favors. "Hey, you're bound to a lark for the rest of your life with untold health problems, but for a few years you felt accepted".

I think that sometime change is necessary - and the more moral/loving thing to do is to press the issue. Now, how to do that in the context of a marriage, I don't know. I've never been faced with the issue. It would require some thought. But I do have a lot of problems with the "refuge" idea.

Once again - doesn't really apply in this case - lol - but I think it's important to qualify these types of conversations.
 
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RDKirk

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Gotta admit - I walk the line in this discussion between both "sides". I don't necessarily mean this guy's case - because based upon what he's said and what he pointed to in the graph I posted - it doesn't sound like his wife has a HUGE problem. She isn't in great shape - but she's not a huge person either.

At the same time, however, I do take some issue with @RDKirk 's assertion that you can train yourself to be attracted to anything...that it's merely a matter of will and the desire to do so. While that's true to a large extent - there are limits to it and I think some important caveats do need to be made.

How exactly does that work in the case of (as @Tropical Wilds said) morbid negligent obesity? I'm not talking about people with just a few pounds to lose. I'm talking about the people that are MORBIDLY obese through every fault of their own. And there are people like that.

Could you "train" yourself to find that sexually appealing? And ought you?

I have serious questions about whether or not you could - and perhaps more controversially - I don't necessarily think (even if you could) that you should.

When I was a kid I was a pretty fat kid. By the time I got to my mid to late 20's - I got up to be around 340 lbs. Then a few things changed - and I made the decision to get rid of it. I dropped around 150 lbs in about 6 months - I went down to around 200 lbs (I'm 6'03") - and around 8% bodyfat. I kept it all off for about 10 years (then had kids and got a little sloppy and gained some back) - but now I've gotten rid of it again since I have more freedom now that they're a little older.

I can honestly say that's the best thing I ever did in my life for myself. And by and large - the reason why I was able to do it was entirely psychological. I made the decision and accepted the fact that being fat sucks. There is no good part of it. It will not get better - that is how the world is, I'm a part of that world, and that's good. The importance of that last part cannot be overstated. Because understanding that made it so that I was not being pulled kicking and screaming into the process while internally bemoaning how unfair it was. I believe that's why I was good at it when so many people aren't.

So I get some real caution flags when I read things where people are saying they ought provide some refuge or place of comfort for people with a real imperative to make changes. And if you're in the morbid negligent obesity camp - you really ought make some changes. Giving that kind of person a safe space IMHO does nobody any favors. "Hey, you're bound to a lark for the rest of your life with untold health problems, but for a few years you felt accepted".

I think that sometime change is necessary - and the more moral/loving thing to do is to press the issue. Now, how to do that in the context of a marriage, I don't know. I've never been faced with the issue. It would require some thought. But I do have a lot of problems with the "refuge" idea.

Once again - doesn't really apply in this case - lol - but I think it's important to qualify these types of conversations.

You're talking about two different people. Sure, one person may really need to make a change. That doesn't mean the other person can't change his tastes. But those are two different issues.

I'm specifically addressing the issue of, "I can't help what I like."

Now, I'll get down and gritty here as to why I fight that attitude:

Several months ago, I'm sitting in our youth service (I'm a youth leader) in a predominantly black congregation. I hear a young male voice behind me, "I just don't like dark-skinned girls. That's just the way I am."

I knew the kid, and I knew his mother--he's dark-skinned and his mother is dark-skinned."

So I turned on him and wasn't cuddly about it.

The only taste a human being is born with is a taste for sugar. Everything else is learned and taught...and can be changed at will.
 
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