What should I do!!!

[Melbelle]

Alright, I'm so very very angry right now, my husband makes promisses after promisses everytime he is off that he will get us out of the house to take Seth and I to the park but never happens, I have not been out of this house since the week of Seths birthday party, No I take that back we went trick or treating but anyways thats besides the point I haven't spent time with him in well I cannot remember how long but he has 3days off and tonight he is sleeping when he promissed we was gonna go to the park for a bit, tomorrow he is suppose to go to this lan party but I'm about to tell him if he does not take me out then he can not go to the lan party why should he go have fun and I always stay at home with the baby and nothing to do all the time its not fair and I'm sick of being the one inside all the time. I told him yesterday about how I was feeling about thinking I'm falling out of love with him and how much I really need to spend time with him and he promissed we would go to the park and spend sometime together now he is being like this. Sunday he will be sleeping all day cus Saturday he will be up all day so where do I come in at in his life, I'm always pushed off onto a shelf until he has nothing else to do and is board enough to pull me off the shelf and play with and I"m sick of being tossed like a toy I"m his wife he should want to be with me but is never around and well I'm so mad right now but hurt more then anything so should I tell him no he can't go to the lan party because if I can't get out then he can't or is that just wrong? Please help.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

If you tell your husband that he can't go to the party, this will make him want to avoid you more, instead of wanting to spend time with you. I am sorry that he does not take you anywhere. He sounds like he must be a pretty busy guy if he needs to sleep so much?
Why not try to light some candles and make a romantic dinner for him? Or you could rub his back. Maybe when he sees how loving and understanding you are being with his needs, he will feel like doing something special for you. Why not make a little card about all his masculine, manly traits. Then make a coupon and put it inside stating that you will give him his favorite sexual treat.
If he feels like you are not being demanding or requiring anything of him, and yet he sees all the nice things you are trying to do for him, maybe he'll wanna please you and spend time with you.
Pray too.
Also, love is not a feeling that comes and goes on it's own. That is ony lust and infatuation. Love is something you chose to do and work at.
I hope thing work out for you. I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and neglected.

 

[Melbelle]

Just to let you all know the party got canceled, I didn't pray for it to get canceled but I did pray that God would alowe us to spend more time together this weekend and well I guess my prayer was answered .

 

[cbudc]

I'm glad you got to spend time with your husband. It is so imperitive in a young marriage and especially when a child is involved to be able to spend quality family time. I think this is what's wrong with so many young marriages. They aren't ready to let go and sacrifice all "feedoms" and fun things they had before they got married. It sucks and I hope things will get better for you. To me, my wife was #1 in my life, no questions asked. If she wanted to go somewhere or do something, I was always willing. I think it makes things so much better like that. After all, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and life partner. Why wouldn't you want to spend that time? I wish my wife could appreciate all the things I sacrificed and did for her. Maybe one day she will see what she had. Good luck with everything.

 

[Melbelle]

I'm glad you got to spend time with your husband. It is so imperitive in a young marriage and especially when a child is involved to be able to spend quality family time. I think this is what's wrong with so many young marriages. They aren't ready to let go and sacrifice all "feedoms" and fun things they had before they got married. It sucks and I hope things will get better for you. To me, my wife was #1 in my life, no questions asked. If she wanted to go somewhere or do something, I was always willing. I think it makes things so much better like that. After all, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and life partner. Why wouldn't you want to spend that time? I wish my wife could appreciate all the things I sacrificed and did for her. Maybe one day she will see what she had. Good luck with everything.

You sound like a great husband, I hope maybe somethings we talked about will sink in and he'll turn around but only by Gods grace that will happen.

 

[cbudc]

You sound like a great husband, I hope maybe somethings we talked about will sink in and he'll turn around but only by Gods grace that will happen.

Yeah, if only my wife could see that and apprciate it. She's one of the ones I talked about. So now we are dealing with divorce. I keep praying and seeking God's wisdom and guidance with it. I hope she can come around, and I hope your husband can come around and appreciate what he's got.

 

[pegatha]

You said you haven't been out of the house in a while, so I was just wondering if that was by choice or a transportation problem. I know that you'd prefer your husband go with you (which I understand, completely) but if you're able to take Seth and go places on your own sometimes, maybe you wouldn't feel so frustrated and housebound. Are you dependent on your husband for transportation? And if so, can that be remedied somehow? Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't addressing your main problem, but if you have no means of getting out on your own occasionally, that could be contributing to the big picture.

 

[Melbelle]

You said you haven't been out of the house in a while, so I was just wondering if that was by choice or a transportation problem. I know that you'd prefer your husband go with you (which I understand, completely) but if you're able to take Seth and go places on your own sometimes, maybe you wouldn't feel so frustrated and housebound. Are you dependent on your husband for transportation? And if so, can that be remedied somehow? Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't addressing your main problem, but if you have no means of getting out on your own occasionally, that could be contributing to the big picture.

No transpertation and no taxi in town and no busses in town. I live in a small town. but can't walk because to dangerous around here.

 

[pegatha]

I'm taking it that there's only one car in the family, and your husband needs that for work. So, is it possible you could drop him off at work and pick him up sometimes, so that you could have the car during the day? Who knows, maybe being dependent on you for transportation from time to time might even help him understand how you're feeling.

I didn't have a driver's license when my first baby was little, and like you, I lived in a place where crime was high and public transportation wasn't really an option. So when my husband got home from work, he was pretty much my only source of entertainment/companionship/transportation for the day, which was probably a greater burden on him than he let on. When I finally got my license, things were easier on both of us. Again, not saying that this is the solution to all your problems, but wouldn't it be helpful if you got a license and/or the car so that you and Seth could get out of the house every now and then?

 

[Melbelle]

I cannot drive a standered and his truch is stanterd.

 

[alaskamolly]

You can learn.




I think my only thoughts are simply a reiteration of what others have said. *grin* Stop depending on him so much. I don't mean that in a rebellious way, but stop *needing* him to meet all your needs. Get proactive (meaning, take action to do it yourself) about your life.

I know things are less than desirable right now, but when you constantly focus on that fact, you do NO ONE any favors...especially yourself, your husband, and your cute little boy.

If you can't drive a stick, then LEARN. Sure, it might be difficult for you, or scary, but that's something YOU need to work through (as opposed to blaming him for everything, because you're to afraid to learn how to do it yourself).

I know that when I stopped looking to my husband to meet all my needs, I became a much more contented wife. He meets a lot of my needs--don't get me wrong--but I then appreciate that, as opposed to demanding/expecting it (and being angry when he fails to do so).

And honestly, when they know that we are 'demanding' their services, they get awful ornery about giving any service (either outright angry, or just quietly refuse). So the whole "demand!" thing doesn't work all that great anyhow...

So, I guess all I'm trying to say is... Take responsibility for yourself.
You will not have as many angry feelings to deal with (because the focus will be OFF of him), and a better marriage for it (which means a better home for the little guy, too!).



This is just my 2 Pennies, by the way, which may or may not be worth anything! Heeheehee...
And PS--I always enjoy your posts, and your warm heart!

Warm Regards,
Molly

 

[Melbelle]

You can learn.




I think my only thoughts are simply a reiteration of what others have said. *grin* Stop depending on him so much. I don't mean that in a rebellious way, but stop *needing* him to meet all your needs. Get proactive (meaning, take action to do it yourself) about your life.

I know things are less than desirable right now, but when you constantly focus on that fact, you do NO ONE any favors...especially yourself, your husband, and your cute little boy.

If you can't drive a stick, then LEARN. Sure, it might be difficult for you, or scary, but that's something YOU need to work through (as opposed to blaming him for everything, because you're to afraid to learn how to do it yourself).

I know that when I stopped looking to my husband to meet all my needs, I became a much more contented wife. He meets a lot of my needs--don't get me wrong--but I then appreciate that, as opposed to demanding/expecting it (and being angry when he fails to do so).

And honestly, when they know that we are 'demanding' their services, they get awful ornery about giving any service (either outright angry, or just quietly refuse). So the whole "demand!" thing doesn't work all that great anyhow...

So, I guess all I'm trying to say is... Take responsibility for yourself.
You will not have as many angry feelings to deal with (because the focus will be OFF of him), and a better marriage for it (which means a better home for the little guy, too!).



This is just my 2 Pennies, by the way, which may or may not be worth anything! Heeheehee...
And PS--I always enjoy your posts, and your warm heart!

Warm Regards,
Molly

Ok I have to depend on him A. I have no way out of my home My naighborhood is not very good 3 rapes in one week and drug busts all the time and just the other day a high speed chase and the woman who was running was a lady who lives 3doors down from me. B. No taxis, and or buses I live in a little town. C. when we see each other he wants to be on this computer and or sleeping all the time. So Please do not make this sound like I'm pushing this on my self.

 

[pegatha]

I'm not trying to be argumentative, so please don't take it that way, but I still don't understand why you'd object to learning to drive a stick shift. And I don't think Molly was trying to blame you for anything either, she just wanted to give you a pep talk about doing what you can to help yourself. I totally sympathize with you for being frustrated, when your husband apparently does little but work, sleep, and surf. But--there are still some things that are within your control. However few and however minor those things are, taking control of them will give you a sense of freedom and accomplishment. Please listen to those of us who've had to face similar challenges, because we really are on your side.

 

[Jenna]

There are many ways to bring the outside to Melissa, if Melissa can't go outside. Have you thought about hostessing something so foo-foo as an old fashioned tea party? You could invite ladies from church and close friends. Doll it up, and put on floppy hats and feather boas if you want. You aren't a passenger in life, always a driver. Try something new to put a little zest into your days, if you need some adult interaction. If you need idea suggestions, I am sure that there are tons of things that we all can come up with.

About your husband... *scratches head*
Sometimes we have to remind them why they like us in the first place. I'm not meaning to sound critical, but if he only ever sees you upset and grumpy for one thing or another, I can imagine that he wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with you. It's sad. *nods* My husband was the same way, and it really hurt my feelings. At first I let it sting my pride that he didn't want to spend a lot of time with me regardless of my mood, until I tried to put myself in his shoes. I don't want to spend much time with him when he's hard to get along with either. So, maybe some smiles, a nice perfume, dinner, and quiet time would make things easier. I'll say though that it took a lot longer than one romantic evening to get my husband interested in being around me when I was always cranky or frowning. It took a good bit of time for him to understand that I wasn't just playing games to get something out of him, and then he relaxed and started to enjoy himself around me. It can be tricky, wooing a guy who is supposed to be yours anyway. lol

Lastly, I wanted to say something about the general tone that you used when talking about Seth. I know that you love him dearly. I think that what might be helpful though is to stop thinking of taking care of him like a chore. Children can be a lot of fun too, not just going out with the girls. If you aren't real careful about the way that you talk about caring for him and spending time with him, he might come to think that going out is more fun and important than enjoying time with him. Of course he won't be so vocal about things like this now, since he's so young. It's just something to keep in mind. Children are a beautiful blessing from God. When we try and put them on par with the work that a husband does while he is out in the world, we take away from their value. Yes, babies keep their mommies very busy. However, I think that we make it even harder on ourselves by putting our hearts and minds in the wrong place by acting as though the children themselves are work.

It'll be ok, Melissa. *hugs* Growing with someone is hard, especially with a small baby. It doesn't have to feel like torture though. Sometimes it can be something so simple as changing the condition of our hearts, and the situations improve dramatically. If you choose to do nothing else different, maybe praying for God's guidance and reading His Word will help you through this difficult time, eh? God bless you and your house.

 

[shania]

Learning to drive standard sounds like a great idea. Depending on where he works, maybe he could drop you off somewhere for the day and pick you up after work every week or two. You could spend the day at a friend's house or with a family member perhaps, then go get something for dinner when he picks you up.

Either that, or if he works far away you could spend part of the day window shopping and catch an afternoon movie or something.

Personally I would probably further my studies and do a correspondance program if I were in your shoes, just to keep my mind active and stimulated, and get some good exercise equipment at home and aerobics tapes. While it's not the same as going out, it will keep your mind active and make your days more interesting and varied.

 

[cbudc]

Well in her defense, think about it. If her husband is so unwilling to take her and thier child to the park do you think he's going to have the paitence and desire to teach her how to drive a stick? That in itself takes a lot of paitence and if he's lacking any in that area it's going to be difficult. I'm not saying it can't be done but I just don't think it's gonna happen. Can she learn on her own? Well, I've tried to teach my wife to drive my car and there's no way I would ever let her have the car by herself to learn.

Melissa I hope things get better for you. I understand what you're going through trust me. But at least your spouse is still there with you. Mine is thousands and thousands of miles away running around with someone else. I wish I could teach you through the internet so you could get out but that's hard. I hope you find something that will work.

 

[Melbelle]

I'm not trying to be argumentative, so please don't take it that way, but I still don't understand why you'd object to learning to drive a stick shift. And I don't think Molly was trying to blame you for anything either, she just wanted to give you a pep talk about doing what you can to help yourself. I totally sympathize with you for being frustrated, when your husband apparently does little but work, sleep, and surf. But--there are still some things that are within your control. However few and however minor those things are, taking control of them will give you a sense of freedom and accomplishment. Please listen to those of us who've had to face similar challenges, because we really are on your side.

I didn't say I am objective to learn it but I need a teacher and well I have none to teach me.

 

[Melbelle]

There are many ways to bring the outside to Melissa, if Melissa can't go outside. Have you thought about hostessing something so foo-foo as an old fashioned tea party? You could invite ladies from church and close friends. Doll it up, and put on floppy hats and feather boas if you want. You aren't a passenger in life, always a driver. Try something new to put a little zest into your days, if you need some adult interaction. If you need idea suggestions, I am sure that there are tons of things that we all can come up with.

On this note, You have to have friends to do that stuff with, I have one friend in my town that I consider a friend I hardly go to church anymore cus everyone there looks over me or at me like a messed up child because of my past and treat me like I'm still a child when I'm not. So that is the problem there (I know what your thinking jee she makes up excuses but its not) Oh and btw I watch the church Channel on sundays and sometiems go to church and read my bible everyday.

About your husband... *scratches head*
Sometimes we have to remind them why they like us in the first place. I'm not meaning to sound critical, but if he only ever sees you upset and grumpy for one thing or another, I can imagine that he wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with you. It's sad. *nods* My husband was the same way, and it really hurt my feelings. At first I let it sting my pride that he didn't want to spend a lot of time with me regardless of my mood, until I tried to put myself in his shoes. I don't want to spend much time with him when he's hard to get along with either. So, maybe some smiles, a nice perfume, dinner, and quiet time would make things easier. I'll say though that it took a lot longer than one romantic evening to get my husband interested in being around me when I was always cranky or frowning. It took a good bit of time for him to understand that I wasn't just playing games to get something out of him, and then he relaxed and started to enjoy himself around me. It can be tricky, wooing a guy who is supposed to be yours anyway. lol

How am I not suppose to be upset when everyday its the same thing either wake up go to work come home eat on the puter and off to bed or sleep all day go to work don't call unless he has something mean to say or something about the puter. When he is off he sleeps all day and wakes up as soon as I get to bed and stays up until either Seth wakes up in the morning or until I wake up.

Lastly, I wanted to say something about the general tone that you used when talking about Seth. I know that you love him dearly. I think that what might be helpful though is to stop thinking of taking care of him like a chore. Children can be a lot of fun too, not just going out with the girls. If you aren't real careful about the way that you talk about caring for him and spending time with him, he might come to think that going out is more fun and important than enjoying time with him. Of course he won't be so vocal about things like this now, since he's so young. It's just something to keep in mind. Children are a beautiful blessing from God. When we try and put them on par with the work that a husband does while he is out in the world, we take away from their value. Yes, babies keep their mommies very busy. However, I think that we make it even harder on ourselves by putting our hearts and minds in the wrong place by acting as though the children themselves are work.

Ok hunny I do not look at raising Seth as a chore I just want a break every now and then I get on the floor and play with him all the time I love my son so much I enjoy being around him and today I was playing with him and he was the happiest thing and so was I. I love spending time with him but every mother needs a break from time to time. Last night was my first break away from him in about 4months. He has been to my hip for four months straight no time to breath I just needed a break I can't even go to the potty for 4months with out him with me trust me I think its sweet and the best thing in the world to have my favorit person in the world follow me around, and it broke my heart when we dropped him off at my moms last night and he threw a fit because we left him that was the first time I have ever left and him throw a fit I almost started crying myself and I told coby that I needed to call and make sure he was ok and I did he isn't a chore but the house work is I do not mean to sound like he is a chore just that I wish I could get out everynow and then away from everyone just me time I just don't understand why its so wrong for me to want that but its ok for everyone else to get it. My mom chewed me out yesterday because I told her that I prayed that sometime this weeked that God would alow my husband and I to spend more time together so its my fault the thing got canceld. well I know your just trying to help but I don't think he is chore at all he is my pride and joy.

 

[Melbelle]

Personally I would probably further my studies and do a correspondance program if I were in your shoes, just to keep my mind active and stimulated, and get some good exercise equipment at home and aerobics tapes. While it's not the same as going out, it will keep your mind active and make your days more interesting and varied.

I have been studieing for my G.E.D going back to school after Christmas then going to try and be a web designer. I started school at the beggining of the year this year but had to quit when I had no ride and my husband didn't want to take me back and fourth to help my mom out so I'm praying that all goes well and God blesses us with a 2nd car soon.

 

[alaskamolly]

Ok...

So your situation pretty much stinks right now, that much is apparent. I don't think anyone is trying to deny that.

I guess all I was trying to say (and have heard a few other posters saying similar things) is that whining about it isn't going to help anything get any better.

I know that sounds really rude to say...maybe it is, maybe it isn't--it depends on the way I'm saying it, I guess, and you'll just have to trust me that I'm NOT saying it in a 'snotty-self-righteous' tone, but in a way kinda like, "Come on, girl, you asked for advice, so here's what we see!"

Seriously, once the whining starts, things start to go downhill. And as long as the whining lasts, things just get worse. (You probably already know that, but just in case, I'm sharing it with you). *grin*

You spoke recently about your heart getting in a knot, breathing troubles, all that, from the tension/stress. I know that one--because I do that same thing when I get really stressed. When my younger brother died, my heart was tight for days and days. But it can happen to me now, too... All it takes is me getting really really worked up about something--something that is very painful or makes me very angry.

I'm just saying that I see a common song running through all your posts about your husband/home-life lately. It is one I've sang well, personally, in the past (I title it, "The Poor Me Song"), and it's one that is sure to wreck your home if you keep on singing it.

I'm not saying that your husband isn't responsible for his end of the deal. But the fact of the matter is, you have virtually NO CONTROL over his end of the deal. That's his business--between him and God. No amount of your whining or moaning is going to change him...in fact, it likely only makes things that much worse.

No man wants a whining woman--they are repulsed by them. The more demanding we get, the more that they hate to be around us. So the approach you are taking right now is probably only driving him to avoid you more, rather than reach out to meet your needs. I know, I know, it doesn't make his reaction RIGHT, but still, that is an area that is outside of your control (something YOU cannot fix, period).

I had to go, "What can Molly fix?" And the Holy Spirit took my big long stretched-out finger (pointed right at my husband and whatever else I thought was wrong with whatever) and turned it right toward...ME.

As long as you are looking at everything else as the problem, you are not going to find any contentment. And, as an uncontented wife, you are going to be repulsive to your husband. But as a contented person, you are going to radiate an attractiveness that will (more likely than not) inspire HIM to become a better Christian, a better husband, a better father, and a better man. See 1 Peter 3 if you think I'm nutso on this one, because this was God's idea first, not mine.


So no one is trying to deny that you are in a tough situation right now. Please don't think we're making light of that--because it sure doesn't sound fun! But you asked for advice, and so don't be ticked off if a lot of women are noticing the same thing--you are looking at everything else and wanting IT to change, instead of looking at yourself and seeing what can change there.

God has big plans for your family--and that's not just a trite little statement. It's the truth. But your control over the situation is limited. You cannot control your husbands responses or reactions. You cannot presently control the fact that you have only one vehicle, or live in a dangerous part of town, or have few friends.

But you can control the way you react to it--whether or not you allow it to become a place for the enemy to come in and help you become a woman ruled by discontent, complaining and bitterness...or whether you allow it to become a place where you meet God in a whole new way, and He takes the ashpit of your circumstances and teaches you about Himself, in ways you otherwise would have never known.



I almost didn't post again on this topic, because I know you are frustrated by most of the replies, and I probably won't again, but I just wanted to try and share this with you one more time. The course you are currently taking is going to get you NOWHERE...actually, will probably just make things worse.

My situation wasn't like yours, but I have been in one similar...

We moved to a new area, had only one vehicle (which my husband took to work early in the morning and drove back late every night--long workdays!), NO money, NO friends, and one child (pregnant with #2) with me all day, no computer, no TV...and all this accompanied by a loong Northern winter with only 6 hours of daylight each day in our dingy brown apartment...

It was a really really difficult season in my life--I listened to the Christian radio station a lot, cried some, and felt really sorry for myself for about half of that year. The second half of the year, God got ahold of me and changed my whole perspective on the whole thing...got after me for my pity party (and it was a PITY PARTY!), and really dealt with me on my attitude and outlook. And the second half of that year changed my whole life. I've never been the same since.

I look back on that part of my life--dingy apartment, very little outside fellowship, no money, no vehicle to speak of, non-existant husband, and dark winter, and just praise God for it all, because He used that time to show Himself to me in ways I needed to see--in ways that are still fueling me to this day. I'd never take that stage back, painful as it was. It could have been very destructive, had I let my discontent continue...but praise God, He got ahold of me and shook some sense into me! (He's good like that, isn't He?). *grin*

Anyways, my children just got up so I gotta go!
I hope this made some sense, in one wierd way or another...


Blessings to you,
Molly