lunalinda
Random. Raw. Real
- Aug 18, 2003
- 1,727
- 186
- 42
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Depressed. Lonely. Tired. Confused. Worrisome. Fearful. Doubtful. Pessimistic. Faithless. Not happy or content at all. And I've been this way for well over a year if not more. If I was like this for longer, then it was over the past year when it got worse. All I'm ever told is to take things to God, pray over things, ask for guidance and patience and whatever else, but without faith, what good will that do? More heavily now than ever before, I feel like God's not going to do ANYTHING for me because I don't deserve it. Why would he look my way when I don't even do anything for Him? He has no reason to at all. And what's that verse say? "Faith without deeds is dead." Or how about that other one, "Without faith it is impossible to please God." So hence, I'm not pleasing God at all, so I'm therefore not worthy of His aid when I feel like really want it, or at least some miraculous intervention, especially when I can't figure out how to help myself first. I don't have the belief that He'll get me out of this, and the more I believe that, the more true it'll be. It's not fair. I'm not a naturally optimistic person. I need help. I can't do this by myself. God didn't turn on me. It was me who strayed from HIM. But why can't He at least yell for me? Why can't He pull my hair? Why must I be the one to make the initial moves when He knows my heart and knows how badly I want to be out of this state if He'd only HELP ME.
My life is stagnant and uneventful. I don't know my purpose and I don't know how to find it. Fear governs me, and now it's become evident that I am creating my own doom and downfall if I don't change my attitude. I just don't understand that when it's SO obvious how pathetic I am, and how incapable I am, why can't God just TAKE ME OVER? Does that go against my free will or something? He'll come where He's welcomed. Okay, so maybe He's not feeling welcomed? Why wouldn't He feel welcomed? Because of my fear. That's it. It's my own fear. My fear tells Him that I don't think He has what it takes to be in control of my life without me being fearful about his power in some way. It's my own fear. There's no confidence in Him. There's no confidence in what He can do for me. He'll take me over when I humble myself. But how much more humble can I be? I don't want to stoop the worldly view of God as just a being that overlooks things and not interacts with them, like some big bully with an ant farm. I don't want to feel like that! BUT BLAH!! Do I have to do EVERYTHING before God'll do ANYTHING? I hate feeling like this. I hate being as doubtful as I am now and not being strong enough to get myself out of it. It's this cursed FEAR of the UNKNOWN that's stopping Him. If it's not that, then I really am doomed. He won't do anything if I won't do anything. But I don't know what to do or HOW to do it. So I don't know WHAT to feel anymore.
And now look what I've done. I've spewed my stupid issues.
My life is stagnant and uneventful. I don't know my purpose and I don't know how to find it. Fear governs me, and now it's become evident that I am creating my own doom and downfall if I don't change my attitude. I just don't understand that when it's SO obvious how pathetic I am, and how incapable I am, why can't God just TAKE ME OVER? Does that go against my free will or something? He'll come where He's welcomed. Okay, so maybe He's not feeling welcomed? Why wouldn't He feel welcomed? Because of my fear. That's it. It's my own fear. My fear tells Him that I don't think He has what it takes to be in control of my life without me being fearful about his power in some way. It's my own fear. There's no confidence in Him. There's no confidence in what He can do for me. He'll take me over when I humble myself. But how much more humble can I be? I don't want to stoop the worldly view of God as just a being that overlooks things and not interacts with them, like some big bully with an ant farm. I don't want to feel like that! BUT BLAH!! Do I have to do EVERYTHING before God'll do ANYTHING? I hate feeling like this. I hate being as doubtful as I am now and not being strong enough to get myself out of it. It's this cursed FEAR of the UNKNOWN that's stopping Him. If it's not that, then I really am doomed. He won't do anything if I won't do anything. But I don't know what to do or HOW to do it. So I don't know WHAT to feel anymore.
And now look what I've done. I've spewed my stupid issues.
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