What makes you a couple?

[Goodbook]

just thought I would ask, i mean aside from being married or engaged.
What is it you mutually agree on, do you need to agree in everything? What is the essential thing to be a couple?

 

[LinkH]

just thought I would ask, i mean aside from being married or engaged.
What is it you mutually agree on, do you need to agree in everything? What is the essential thing to be a couple?

In American culture, you agree that you are boyfriend and girlfriend and that you aren't going to date anyone else.

I don't know about Muslims in Saudi Arabia, if the men have to agree that they won't date more than three other girls or something like that.

 

[Goodbook]

Im not american, but thanks for that insight. Im not muslim either. Also it seems in america you could be a same sex couple, it doesnt matter.

Im a christian so..maybe its good if someone gives the biblical definiton of one.

 

[Goodbook]

I have often found that, when one person says they not going to date anyone else, they might lie and go and do that anyway. Or..one person doesnt date anyone else, but the other person goes and does. So it seems like you have to agree but when do you do this? The first date? The second, the third?

Be intersting to find out these rules in america, not that im ever going to live there.

 

[Goodbook]

I mean if you going to do that, why not just get married and forsake all others? You cant really be girlfriend and boyfriend forever. Plus..what if you are older and not a boy or girl anymore?

 

[Dave-W]

Be interesting to find out these rules in america, not that i'm ever going to live there.

I have lived in the US all my 60 years. Never had a girlfriend. In high school and college I got visibly upset when people around me (male or female) started flirting. Especially if I noticed they were flirting with me. (had to be rather overt for me to notice) That would make me downright angry.

But I had plenty of friends with gfs; and my college roommate went thru a few during freshman and sophomore years. It was a chance for the 2 of them to see how well an exclusive dating/romantic relationship with THIS person fits for "me." For "us." [speaking from the POV of the couple]

 

[Dave-W]

Plus..what if you are older and not a boy or girl anymore?

The boyfriend or girlfriend monikers apply even if the couple are in their 80s.

 

[Goodbook]

But, i dont think thats being a couple, dating. I mean how many dates are you going to keep doing that for? They arent joined in any literal sense like you joined in marriage. They just friend so shouldnt be considered a couple.

 

[Goodbook]

I mean, i didnt know that you meant to say, from the start, once you dating me you cant date anyone else. If you dont say this, then your so called bf thinks its ok to date other girls and it gets mighty confusing, as i dont really have time for more than one at a time.

 

[Goodbook]

And how often are you meant to date? Once a week, once every couple of weeks? I mean how often you meant to keep in contact, wouldnt it be annoying to date every day, and expensive too?

 

[heliumskylark]

just thought I would ask, i mean aside from being married or engaged.
What is it you mutually agree on, do you need to agree in everything? What is the essential thing to be a couple?

I don't know if it can be reduced to one essential thing. For me, teamwork is important. Not necessarily that we agree on everything but that we're both on the same 'team', working towards a common goal (the health of our relationship).
The exclusivity is important too. In my experience there's often a bit of a chat after a couple of dates to check whether both parties are on the same page with regard to not dating anyone else. It's not just about dating other people though; it's also about putting your partner first. For example I don't badmouth my husband to anyone else, even if I'm mad. Or I don't choose to hurt his feelings in order to preserve someone else's.
Commitment, too, even if you're not married. Being a couple in any sense of the word means that you're somewhat invested in the relationship and will put some effort into trying to make it work.
I don't think there's really a biblical definition of a couple except for the passages about marriage - I guess they didn't date in the sense that we do in the West.
Regarding older couples - I think some people use the term 'partner' if they feel like 'boy-' / 'girlfriend' is too young for them.

 

[Goodbook]

Do you think people should be considered couples before they are engaged or married?

 

[Goodbook]

I just think thats a grey area that opens doors to fornication. If you decide to be a couple before getting engaged. Dates are specifically times when you see each other, but you dont go home with each other or live together do you, and youve got no right to say well you cant see anyone else, because you dont even know you have a future together.

 

[Goodbook]

I mean a date, if you go on one, is a commitment in itself to enjoy the other persons company is it not? I dont think you can say well you cant see anyone else unless you decide you want to get engaged.

Its just that, that is the way it should be to avoid confusion, and the simple thing is to have a ring so there is a sign of commitment otherwise its just empty words. I know cos ive been lied to before, and it wasnt nice.

 

[heliumskylark]

I just think thats a grey area that opens doors to fornication. If you decide to be a couple before getting engaged.

I don't think your "couple status" is what opens the door to fornication. Even if you're not exclusive and don't refer to yourself as a couple you might still be sleeping together - you'd just call yourselves friends with benefits instead. What opens the door to fornication is a person's own willpower / commitment to abstinence (or lack thereof).

I mean a date, if you go on one, is a commitment in itself to enjoy the other persons company is it not? I dont think you can say well you cant see anyone else unless you decide you want to get engaged.
Its just that, that is the way it should be to avoid confusion, and the simple thing is to have a ring so there is a sign of commitment otherwise its just empty words. I know cos ive been lied to before, and it wasnt nice.

I'm sorry you've had that hurtful experience. I suppose each couple has to decide the level of commitment that works for them. When I was single, if a man wasn't interested in being exclusive after 3 or 4 dates I wouldn't keep dating him. But that's probably not the case for everyone. And you're right that a person may be lying about their commitment. I think that's an advantage of being friends with someone for a while before you start dating them; although it doesn't guarantee they're never going to lie to you, you at least have a chance to get to know something of their character.

 

[Dave-W]

Do you think people should be considered couples before they are engaged or married?

If they are "going steady" i.e. dating exclusively, then they are a couple. But not a permanent couple.

When I was a young teen (12 or 13) my mom gave me this advice (which I rejected immediately): that any woman was fair game before she says I DO and slips on the ring. IOW if I can convince her while she is walking up the aisle to get married to run off with me - that is OK.

I went on exactly ONE DATE before I graduated high school. (and my wife heard about it more than 3 years before we met)

 

[Dave-W]

Even if you're not exclusive and don't refer to yourself as a couple you might still be sleeping together - you'd just call yourselves friends with benefits instead.

Quite right. Even back in my days, there were people who slept around.

 

[Goodbook]

No but a man can force a woman to sleep with him like theres date rape. He can cos hes stronger than her. Just saying. And he can say oh its just foreplay. Or he has 'needs'.

 

[Goodbook]

Yea i would never date a complete stranger now. They werent friends with you to begin with and only looking for one thing.

 

[Goodbook]

Im over the whole dating thing.
I was told to go dating by well meaning friends oh why dont you try the dating site? Find a date! Even a doctor suggested it (he was american).

Im like. No, not ever doing that again.