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What makes you a couple?
- Thread starter Goodbook
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- Jan 22, 2011
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How can a computer find you the right date anyhow. Those things are just random and dont even work.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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Well, I was hoping some more concrete answers from people who actually are couples, but thanks anyway.
You did better at explaining than the ppl on the singles forum who dont really have a clue, like me.
You did better at explaining than the ppl on the singles forum who dont really have a clue, like me.
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'Being a couple', aside from marriage, isn't a Christian thing or a Biblical thing. This is something that has emerged in our culture over the past 100 or 120 years. I read a blog article that argued that magazines in the early part of the 1900's began to promote the idea of the 'boyfriend', a man who satisfied the emotional needs of a woman without the sexual intimacy, but which, in many cases, evolved into a full-fledged sexual partner without the serious commitment of marriage.
The article said that prior to that in the US, young male suitors would visit eligible young women at their house with their parents present in the other room. One practice was for the father to light a candle and the suitor had until the candle went out to visit with the young woman. Eventually, a suitor might propose marriage and the young woman and her parents would consider the proposal which could lead to a marriage.
English culture was apparently similar. I've never read a Jane Austen novel. I have seen the movies that supposedly tell the story. I also recall a Charles Dickens novel onscreen. A family with young women would invite local folks, male and female, over on Sunday afternoon or some other time. The young women might play the piano or sing. In Jane Austen movies, a young man eventually declares his love to a woman and proposed. Being a 'couple' did not seem to be a very formal or official thing before engagement. I think that evolved in the US and was exported through movies and other cultural influences to other countries.
Personally, I see a lot of major problems with the system America has developed for dating. It leads to a lot of fornication, especially when combined with letting 15 and 16-year-olds go out in cars alone in the dark at night. In the era describe above, there were chaperones. Young singles were guarded a bit more to keep them out of trouble. We expect young people to wait until they finish college or get a good job to marry. But then we let the young teens date off by themselves. And dating isn't seen so much as a method of finding a marriage partner like courtship used to be, but as entertainment in and of itself. Television and even schools sometimes promote child dating. Ten-year-olds don't need to have boyfriends and girlfriends.
The article said that prior to that in the US, young male suitors would visit eligible young women at their house with their parents present in the other room. One practice was for the father to light a candle and the suitor had until the candle went out to visit with the young woman. Eventually, a suitor might propose marriage and the young woman and her parents would consider the proposal which could lead to a marriage.
English culture was apparently similar. I've never read a Jane Austen novel. I have seen the movies that supposedly tell the story. I also recall a Charles Dickens novel onscreen. A family with young women would invite local folks, male and female, over on Sunday afternoon or some other time. The young women might play the piano or sing. In Jane Austen movies, a young man eventually declares his love to a woman and proposed. Being a 'couple' did not seem to be a very formal or official thing before engagement. I think that evolved in the US and was exported through movies and other cultural influences to other countries.
Personally, I see a lot of major problems with the system America has developed for dating. It leads to a lot of fornication, especially when combined with letting 15 and 16-year-olds go out in cars alone in the dark at night. In the era describe above, there were chaperones. Young singles were guarded a bit more to keep them out of trouble. We expect young people to wait until they finish college or get a good job to marry. But then we let the young teens date off by themselves. And dating isn't seen so much as a method of finding a marriage partner like courtship used to be, but as entertainment in and of itself. Television and even schools sometimes promote child dating. Ten-year-olds don't need to have boyfriends and girlfriends.
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JojotheBeloved
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The essential thing to being a couple is agreeing that you are a couple and you will continue to be a couple. Everything beyond that is negotiable. Most people do tend to agree on core beliefs and philosophies though, things like kids, money, sex, family, religion... but even when there's some variations between people in these topics, couples can work things out and be mutually satisfied with their relationship. If you do what is right in choosing to love one another, the rest is just a process of communication and negotiation.
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ex-pat
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What is your age and cultural background? That might help the explanations. Generally, though, the idea of dating without marriage as the end goal is a modern Western phenomenon, and not a particularly good one at that. Most of the best marriages I know were "set-ups"...not arranged, like with matchmakers, but someone already happily married who had a friend who he/she thought would be a good match for another friend. In most of those cases, the people knew what they wanted in a husband/wife, and could quickly determine if the other person had those basic qualities. For my husband and me, the first and most central need was to place Christ first in our marriage. We agreed on our faith needs (we both share the same faith), and our living styles, and before three days had passed we knew we wanted to marry...and our love and respect for each other and our commitment to Christ has only grown stronger. But we didn't "date" in the conventional sense until after we were engaged. It's been many years now and we enjoy our "dates" to symphonies, restaurants, picnics in the park, popcorn and movie nights, cinemas, and theatres very much, but none of this was required before we were engaged or married.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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Im not american. Im from nz.
We dont really have a dating culture. People just kinda get together in loose arrangements, there doesnt seem to be any rules to follow.
Of course theres a lot of american influence from music and tv. I was actually told by a pyshchiatrist that I had to date, which was weird because I didnt really know what that meant as we dont do it here. People cant really afford to. He was american. So i thought, it must be an american thing. He said that to me when i was 20 and im now 35.
I think that got me into trouble a lot because any time you alone with a guy all they seem to want to do is look at you and touch you, i became a christian when I was 30. Then I thought, well, isnt marriage a good thing, why not try dating. Isnt that suppose to lead to marriage? So read these books about dating (mostly american books) which said what to do, went on a dating website to find a date, and ended up with this guy who claimed he was a christian but then proceeded to steal my money. Also he thought living together before marriage was ok, anyway, total lack of discernment on my part there. But thats just what all men seem to do in nz anyway, when they are supposedly serious about someone. Nobody actually waits. (I didnt say yes to living with him..i actually had to call the police on him for harassing me)
And those books were 'christian' dating books like boundaries.
We dont really have a dating culture. People just kinda get together in loose arrangements, there doesnt seem to be any rules to follow.
Of course theres a lot of american influence from music and tv. I was actually told by a pyshchiatrist that I had to date, which was weird because I didnt really know what that meant as we dont do it here. People cant really afford to. He was american. So i thought, it must be an american thing. He said that to me when i was 20 and im now 35.
I think that got me into trouble a lot because any time you alone with a guy all they seem to want to do is look at you and touch you, i became a christian when I was 30. Then I thought, well, isnt marriage a good thing, why not try dating. Isnt that suppose to lead to marriage? So read these books about dating (mostly american books) which said what to do, went on a dating website to find a date, and ended up with this guy who claimed he was a christian but then proceeded to steal my money. Also he thought living together before marriage was ok, anyway, total lack of discernment on my part there. But thats just what all men seem to do in nz anyway, when they are supposedly serious about someone. Nobody actually waits. (I didnt say yes to living with him..i actually had to call the police on him for harassing me)
And those books were 'christian' dating books like boundaries.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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One time a friend tried to set me up with a boy but nothing happened, he got too busy with study so that really was the only time anybody looked for someone for me.
Mum was never that interested in who i was seeing really. Or dad. I just think they dont really want me to be married. I have had several boyfriends but i wouldnt say we were actually couples.
Mum was never that interested in who i was seeing really. Or dad. I just think they dont really want me to be married. I have had several boyfriends but i wouldnt say we were actually couples.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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Which is fine as theres no pressure for me to marry and be a wife to anybody. I think that because chinese culture (mum is chinese) values sons over daughters. Daughters marry out.
But in the bible its actually the man who leaves HIS family to cleave to a wife, not the woman.
So I get confused over what is meant to happen.
Is it the woman asks men out or the men asks women?
Or is it the old playground thing where someone just says someone likes you and wants to go out around with you...will you? Then if you say no, they can save face and you wouldnt have rejected them to their face.
But in the bible its actually the man who leaves HIS family to cleave to a wife, not the woman.
So I get confused over what is meant to happen.
Is it the woman asks men out or the men asks women?
Or is it the old playground thing where someone just says someone likes you and wants to go out around with you...will you? Then if you say no, they can save face and you wouldnt have rejected them to their face.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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Lol ive graduated and still cant find a 'good job' ie. A full time job that would pay for a mortgage since houses are so expenisve here.
What I did was when I worked full time bought a house with my brothers so we shared it. But then I pulled out because living with my brothers was a pain. So I dont have a house but I have my money, which could pay for a deposit but then id have to keep working again to pay the rest off. And theres no point really since living in a house alone or having flatmates just doesnt appeal to me and im not going to be married, so dont need a whole house to raise children. And i detest apartment living. I just think thats no way to live.
I think at this point im confused as to what im meant to do if Im not going down that road so I stay with my parents. Im like the housemaid, lol, but not a very good one. I have to learn all over again.
What I did was when I worked full time bought a house with my brothers so we shared it. But then I pulled out because living with my brothers was a pain. So I dont have a house but I have my money, which could pay for a deposit but then id have to keep working again to pay the rest off. And theres no point really since living in a house alone or having flatmates just doesnt appeal to me and im not going to be married, so dont need a whole house to raise children. And i detest apartment living. I just think thats no way to live.
I think at this point im confused as to what im meant to do if Im not going down that road so I stay with my parents. Im like the housemaid, lol, but not a very good one. I have to learn all over again.
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- Jan 22, 2011
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When I worked full time it just seemed to me there would be no time to raise children if you kept on at it, but then how could you afford everything if you didnt...youd need to find someone who also worked full time, but even then i saw families struggling when both were working.
Even if the husband worked full time and the wife stayed hime to raise the children, things were tough because then one income wasnt enough to supoort a family and when parents are away from young children at work their mind isnt on their work at all.
So i thought well marriage doesnt seem to work for anybody these days, why do it??
Even if the husband worked full time and the wife stayed hime to raise the children, things were tough because then one income wasnt enough to supoort a family and when parents are away from young children at work their mind isnt on their work at all.
So i thought well marriage doesnt seem to work for anybody these days, why do it??
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Hotinco
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Agree on everything you are funny 
What makes it work for us, we complement each other - She is strong where i am weak and vise versa. We have some hobbies we share (scuba diving), some interests we share. But just as many that we enjoy alone. We have respect for each other and want only the best for each other. She is my best friend, the person I trust my deepest secrets with. With out her eI am lost, she will tell you the same with out me.
What makes it work for us, we complement each other - She is strong where i am weak and vise versa. We have some hobbies we share (scuba diving), some interests we share. But just as many that we enjoy alone. We have respect for each other and want only the best for each other. She is my best friend, the person I trust my deepest secrets with. With out her eI am lost, she will tell you the same with out me.
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