What is your love language?

[memoriesbymichelle]

One the discussion we have been having is how important sex is to us. Exit and I have been saying its very important to us. I know the touch in the 5 love languages pictures touch as not sexual.

So basically I was saying sine exit and I have a primary love language of touch and that is low you for that I suspect that accounts for some of the difference in your perspective on sex to exit and my perspective on sex.

Ha ha OK I get it . Heaven help me if I ever run across a guy like you or exit in real life, right? I wonder sometimes if it might stem from my abandonment issues when my dad disowned me when I was a teenager AND being used by guys in my younger years?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm not criticizing your mothering. Sounds like you have it covered. I was just addressing the statement that you made about feeling like you failed if the kids needed to wash their own clothes.

Never said you were criticizing, I was just making sure you knew I have tried to bring up my boys right and for them not to take women (or anyone) for granted. Sometimes the written words don't come across how we would actually say them, I guess.

It sounds like you might be having one of those widow days when we really need our husbands to wrap their arms around us and tell us that "it will be okay". ((hugs)).

No not really. I got annoyed in the other thread when someone else (not you or dayhiker or exit ) told me I was straining gnats and sinning if I got married with no intention of sex, which is not something I EVER said lol. (although I happen to know from previous posts that, that DID happen to them and while I feel for them, it's no excuse for them to judge anyone so....)

 

[exitstageright]

Ha ha OK I get it . Heaven help me if I ever run across a guy like you or exit in real life, right? I wonder sometimes if it might stem from my abandonment issues when my dad disowned me when I was a teenager AND being used by guys in my younger years?

I guess Dr. Sigmund Freud was right what he said about fathers and their daughters.

 

[jpcedotal]

I like to be picked over like a monkey....bumps, wild hairs, ingrown hairs, plucking ear hair or dividing up my unibrow.

I liked to be groomed by a girlie....both naked

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I guess Dr. Sigmund Freud was right what he said about fathers and their daughters.

what exactly did he say that you are referring to?

 

[exitstageright]

what exactly did he say that you are referring to?

That the kind of relationship a girl has with her father will affect her relationships with men when she becomes a woman.

Before I even heard about this,when I was 19,a girl named B. was very mean to me. The nicer I treated her,the meaner she would be. One day,I met her father. He was a cad,to put it mildly. He was very disrepectful to his lady friend. I could see why B. was they way she was.

In another case,My ex told our consulor,that she saw her father chase her mother around the house with an icepick in his raised hand. I never met my father-in-law. My ex would act mean to me somedays without any reason. When I was driving home from work,I sometimes wondered who I was comming home to,the rational wife,or the irrational wife. My ex told me that her and her father had many issues. There were times,when she was acting strange,I had to tell her," I.... am .....not.....your....father!"
She would then "snap back" into reality.

One lady,who is single at my church, who performs with me,is a very sweet,and talented lady. Her father is also very talented and kind. They,father and daughter, get along very well.

 

[blackribbon]

A girl learns her "value" from the first man in her life. This is her father. If he doesn't value her, she finds it hard to ever see herself being valuable to any man.

Yes, this can be overcome...but it is an uphill battle.

My dad walked out on us when I was 13. The lesson I learned from him was that a man can love you and still leave. It made it very hard for me to ever trust a man enough to marry him. Love wasn't enough.

 

[exitstageright]

A girl learns her "value" from the first man in her life. This is her father. If he doesn't value her, she finds it hard to ever see herself being valuable to any man.

Yes, this can be overcome...but it is an uphill battle.

My dad walked out on us when I was 13. The lesson I learned from him was that a man can love you and still leave. It made it very hard for me to ever trust a man enough to marry him. Love wasn't enough.

This is one prime example when I say and mean that nice guys have to pay for the sins of other men.

I will no longer think that it was all about me.( The next time that a woman rejects me.)

Some women,by the time that they meet me,have been let down by their fathers and by so many other men. Or,maybe all it took was for her to get burned by just one man,maybe by her first love. No wonder they do not trust me,even though I do not mean them any harm.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hmmmm there is SOME truth to what you both say. What I think is that girls choose men that are "like" their fathers in some way. I also agree about the "value" factor. For me, my dad was a musician. I happen to be really attracted to musicians. In fact I don't think I have ever been with a man long term that didn't have some kind of musical talent, like at least playing the guitar.
When you get told "I never want to see you again!" by your dad, when you are 12 or 13 that is truly really hard! For years I was SO angry! BUT after about 15 years of that, I had an epiphany one day and realized just HOW much being angry was affecting ALL my relationships. I was already married by that time, thank the Lord! So I FORGAVE my dad. I wrote him a very long letter and spelled it out in detail, what I was forgiving him for (cuz there was more than just that one statement, much more). So that was the start of mending our relationship and my healing.
BUT still I have alot of insecurities. Not just with men, but friends too. I'm still a work in progress, and I know it so....
Today I love my dad, I miss my mom, and my husband. And still I feel I am worth loving. Someday my prince will come lol. Even if its not in this lifetime.

 

[dayhiker]

Michelle,
I've always thought that forgiveness was one of the earliest steps. Its after forgiveness that real progress can be made. Which seems to be your experience as well.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Michelle,
I've always thought that forgiveness was one of the earliest steps. Its after forgiveness that real progress can be made. Which seems to be your experience as well.

Yep, besides the fact that the Lord says He can't forgive us if we can't forgive others so....

I've never been a grudge holder though. It's not worth the time and energy. When I was angry at my dad, it wasn't in my front conscience most of the time, even though it still affected me without me realizing it. I learned a long time ago that usually when you hold a grudge, it is only affecting you, while the other person just goes on happily and sometimes without even knowing you are holding a grudge! So while you want it to affect them it isn't and it hurts you in the process.

 

[dayhiker]

Yup, that's a good lesson to learn.
Too bad everyone didn't learn it.

 

[iambren]

I think that the Love Languages book and concepts are one of the most helpful in understanding a partner. Should be a requirement premaritally.


Mine are: Primary---Quality time

Secondary---Physical touch

 

[exitstageright]

I think that the Love Languages book and concepts are one of the most helpful in understanding a partner. Should be a requirement premaritally.


Mine are: Primary---Quality time

Secondary---Physical touch

Yes,I sure could have used this info 40 years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now,when I was younger.

 

[RuthD]

6Words of Affirmation10Quality Time4Receiving Gifts7Acts of Service3Physical Touch

 

[blackribbon]

I think it is valuable for learning how to love the other people you value in your life too. There is a version focused on children and one just for singles.

 

[dayhiker]

Don't we all!

Yes,I sure could have used this info 40 years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now,when I was younger.

 

[scraparcs]

I've been consistently primary quality time, secondary physical touch.

I have a sister who is primary gifts, bar none. I feel bad because I forget gifts all the time and would rather not even bother with birthdays and Christmas!

 

[dayhiker]

scaparcs ... I'm with you, figuring out a gift to give is one of my least favorite things to do. I have a son tho who is amazingly good at it.

 

[scraparcs]

scaparcs ... I'm with you, figuring out a gift to give is one of my least favorite things to do. I have a son tho who is amazingly good at it.

I feel like I'm trying to buy people off. When it's me it's like, don't buy me anything, just spend time with me. It's cheaper.