What is your love language?

[blackribbon]

Gary Chapman wrote a book called Five Languages of Love. If you are not familiar with this book, it explains that we each have a "language" that we "hear" love in better than other ways. The 5 languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

If you don't know, you can go to their webpage and take a little survey and they will help you figure it out. Home - The 5 Love Languages®

I think it is important to understand the love language of those around us whom we love (not just significant others but children, parents, siblings, etc).

I also think it is important to understand our own love language ... just as a part of self awareness.

So...all that to ask, "What is your love language?"

 

[blackribbon]

I think that mine are a combination of Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.

Nothing makes me feel quite as love as finding that someone has done one of my chores for me.

And although, I am not comfortable with direct compliments, I appreciate it when people do acknowledge that they are aware of all the quiet things that I do. Nothing was quite as ego building as overhearing my husband sing my praise to his friends.

Now on the flip side...I hate when someone does a chore for me when it is done out of frustration...like when my husband made a big deal about cleaning up a living room because I had been out every night that week due to one of the kid's activity...it wasn't done out of love but rather as as a statement of my failing as a wife.

And I hate false compliments or compliments for things that "nothing"...like someone singing my praise over a meal that could have been cooked by a 8 year old...it makes me wonder if they think so little of my cooking ability.

Yeah...I'm complicated and confusing at times....which is why I must know myself enough to recognize when I might be being a bit insane and unfair.

 

[exitstageright]

Gary Chapman wrote a book called Five Languages of Love. If you are not familiar with this book, it explains that we each have a "language" that we "hear" love in better than other ways. The 5 languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

If you don't know, you can go to their webpage and take a little survey and they will help you figure it out. Home - The 5 Love Languages®

I think it is important to understand the love language of those around us whom we love (not just significant others but children, parents, siblings, etc).

I also think it is important to understand our own love language ... just as a part of self awareness.



So...all that to ask, "What is your love language?"[/quot\\

My love langauges are as follows. (in order of importance)

1.Physical Touch-50% I just love a good sensual massage.

2.Quality Time-30% I do need some alone time in order for me to "recharge my batteries".

3.Affirmation-10% I never got this growing up. If I had,I would be more confident.

4.Acts of Service-5% I am self-sufficient.

5.Receiving Gifts-5% My birthday and Christmas Time are enough for me.

 

[blackribbon]

My love langauges are as follows. (in order of importance)

1.Physical Touch-50% I just love a good sensual massage.

2.Quality Time-30% I do need some alone time in order for me to "recharge my batteries".

3.Affirmation-10% I never got this growing up. If I had,I would be more confident.

4.Acts of Service-5% I am self-sufficient.

5.Receiving Gifts-5% My birthday and Christmas Time are enough for me.

Actually Exit, it goes much more deeper than that.

Physical touch isn't just sexual...it means if someone touches your arm when they talk to you, you are more likely to see this as someone who is interested with you and cares about you. It may mean that or it may mean that they are just a touchy person.

Quality time means that you feel valued and loved if someone chooses to spend time with you. You need to find someone who has time to give.

Affirmation...isn't about what someone did or didn't do...it just means if you receive love this way, then not getting affirmation as a child is more likely to have damaged you. At 10%, I'd say that you enjoy hearing good things about yourself but you don't need to hear good things to still recognize your value. And your life is proof of that...in spite of not having a cheerleader as a child, you still have found a way to be successful in life.

Acts of service isn't about being self-sufficent...but rather, how it makes you feel when someone takes care of you. You obviously are okay with taking care of your own needs. And although you may appreciate when someone does something for you, it really doesn't mean that much to you.

And gifts...well, that says it all. You don't need gifts to feel loved.

How this can translate to your love life...

If you hook up with a girl whose language is: "receiving gifts", then you will have to remind yourself that little trinkets DO MATTER to her. Each and every gift means that you care enough to notice her....especially if there is thought in that gift. This may be jewelry...but it also may mean that you bought her new shoes inserts after she remarked that her feet hurt after standing all day at work. This isn't about spending money, but rather tangible proof that you were thinking about her when she wasn't with you.

If she is "acts of service", this means that it matters that you probably should do more than your share of the chores...because that is how she feels valued and it really doesn't matter to you that much. Being taken care of matters to this woman...even more if she spends all day taking care of others or is in a high power position.

And since "affirmation" is relatively low on your list, then you might not realized how many words of love and compliments it takes to make your love feel special. Recognizing out loud or on paper someone's value fills the heart of someone with this love language. This woman needs to hear or see just how much she matters to you and why she is important to you.

Since quality time is high on your list...you need someone who both wants to spend time with you and values that time...someone who spends a lot of time with her girlfriends or her family (and you aren't along) or her job might cause you to be frustrated because that is time you don't get to be together. I see your love of traveling fits in here because you want to do it WITH someone who loves you...it isn't so much about the particular site as it is good quality time together. And 49ers games would be so much better if you had someone sitting in the seat next to you.

And you need someone who likes to touch...who might touch your shoulder as she walks by...someone who likes to sit close to you on the couch...and maybe even leans into you. You probably really feel loved and connected when someone holds your hand. If your partner is someone who doesn't like to touch people, or is likely to pick a chair (single person sitting), or maybe even acts startled when touched...well, you would probably feel a bit rejected before too long.

 

[exitstageright]

Actually Exit, it goes much more deeper than that.

Physical touch isn't just sexual...it means if someone touches your arm when they talk to you, you are more likely to see this as someone who is interested with you and cares about you. It may mean that or it may mean that they are just a touchy person.

Quality time means that you feel valued and loved if someone chooses to spend time with you. You need to find someone who has time to give.

Affirmation...isn't about what someone did or didn't do...it just means if you receive love this way, then not getting affirmation as a child is more likely to have damaged you. At 10%, I'd say that you enjoy hearing good things about yourself but you don't need to hear good things to still recognize your value. And your life is proof of that...in spite of not having a cheerleader as a child, you still have found a way to be successful in life.

Acts of service isn't about being self-sufficent...but rather, how it makes you feel when someone takes care of you. You obviously are okay with taking care of your own needs. And although you may appreciate when someone does something for you, it really doesn't mean that much to you.

And gifts...well, that says it all. You don't need gifts to feel loved.

How this can translate to your love life...

If you hook up with a girl whose language is: "receiving gifts", then you will have to remind yourself that little trinkets DO MATTER to her. Each and every gift means that you care enough to notice her....especially if there is thought in that gift. This may be jewelry...but it also may mean that you bought her new shoes inserts after she remarked that her feet hurt after standing all day at work. This isn't about spending money, but rather tangible proof that you were thinking about her when she wasn't with you.

If she is "acts of service", this means that it matters that you probably should do more than your share of the chores...because that is how she feels valued and it really doesn't matter to you that much. Being taken care of matters to this woman...even more if she spends all day taking care of others or is in a high power position.

And since "affirmation" is relatively low on your list, then you might not realized how many words of love and compliments it takes to make your love feel special. Recognizing out loud or on paper someone's value fills the heart of someone with this love language. This woman needs to hear or see just how much she matters to you and why she is important to you.

Since quality time is high on your list...you need someone who both wants to spend time with you and values that time...someone who spends a lot of time with her girlfriends or her family (and you aren't along) or her job might cause you to be frustrated because that is time you don't get to be together. I see your love of traveling fits in here because you want to do it WITH someone who loves you...it isn't so much about the particular site as it is good quality time together. And 49ers games would be so much better if you had someone sitting in the seat next to you.

And you need someone who likes to touch...who might touch your shoulder as she walks by...someone who likes to sit close to you on the couch...and maybe even leans into you. You probably really feel loved and connected when someone holds your hand. If your partner is someone who doesn't like to touch people, or is likely to pick a chair (single person sitting), or maybe even acts startled when touched...well, you would probably feel a bit rejected before too long.

WoW! You read me like a book! If my SO love langauge is gifts,I would not mind giving her a little gift,when it is not a speacial day,for example Valentines Day. Acts of service,well I could always hire a houskeeper,if we both work. Yes, touching does not have to always be sexual. Yes, I love it when a woman leans into me on the couch,or love seat. I like the part about the 49ers games. She could be a Raiders or Cowboys fan,and I would still love to have her next to me.
Now affirmation has always been difficult for me,but I can try. One reason,when I was younger,that I did not give women compliments,was that I thought guys who gave compliments to women were being phony. Do you remember that TV show,"Leave It To Beaver"? Eddie Haskell,the wise guy,would be full of B.S.,by telling June Cleaver,"That is such a beautiful dress,Mrs. Cleaver!"

 

[blackribbon]

That is the beauty of learning about "love languages"...it allows you to know HOW to love that person you love in a way that they can hear it.

When you do find someone, it might be wise to find a fun way to take this test together...then you will have a heads up on how she receives love.

This also works if only one person understands love languages. I can't say my husband knew any of this...and although he met some of my love languages naturally, it took me recognizing that him not meeting these wasn't about him not loving me. I don't think he ever figured out WHY him doing the dishes was a turn on for me...but since it got him what he needed, he wasn't stupid enough to question it. I was a wise enough wife to TELL him what I needed (instead of sitting there thinking "if he loved me, then he'd figure this out on his own) and he was wise enough to LISTEN. He didn't have to understand the love languages because I did.

Do I find doing dishes particularly sexy?...no...however, it freed up some of my time and I felt cared for when he did this, my least favorite chore....so when he reached out to touch, I didn't have somewhere else I needed to be.

(PS Exit, I was married to a "touch" kind of guy...so I had to learn how to touch...something that did not come naturally to me...but even for me, holding hands with my husband after 16 years of marriage did make me feel loved too.)

 

[dayhiker]

The 5 love languages has been good for me. I love having this paradigm to talk about love. Probably the trick for me to in doing something for the other person so that they will feel love when I have little interest in it. I find it very hard to think about something that I don't have an interest in.

OK, let me think thru the 5 and see how I feel about then now.
1. Physical Touch - This is find to be very meaningful. As Jesus has freed me its become more important. I know there is sexual and nonsexual touch. I just gave a guy a Swedish massage this weekend. Nothing sexual about it. I find that most people in America don't really know how to touch in a non work - non sexual way, to physically touch a fellow human to fellow human. Its too homo for men to touch and its too sexual for women and men to touch.

I remember in the book he gave an illustration about a guy who was confusing touch with sexuality. He learned to accept non sexual touch and then his sex drive didn't dominate so much.
I can't relate to this. Even if I get some nonsexual touch, I still desire sexual touch from a woman.

I am really good at both sexual and nonsexual touch. I don't like the limits our society puts on touch and it often intimates me when I want to touch and I'm not sure if it will be acceptable. I need to ask more and then if I get a yes touch.

2. Quality Time - I also love this. Its very meaningful to have a great conversation about any number of topics with both men and women. It doesn't matter if we agree or not. Or even if they think I'm crazy for my views after we talk. I still love that we were intimate in sharing our thoughts.
I'm good at this one as well.

3.Affirmation - My exGF affirmed me in a way that was 100x more than anyone else has every done. While this is lower on my list, I do have a new appreciation for this. I am absolutely terrible at doing this one tho.

4. Acts of Service - I am self-sufficient, like exit. I don't need much done for me. If someone wants to do something for me, I have learned to accept it and be thankful even if I don't need it. I'm not always good at seeing an act of service that someone else needs. If they express their need, I almost always will make time to meet their need. And with a really good attitude I believe.

5. Receiving Gifts - Very similar to Acts of service. I am terrible at picking out a gift and really don't like to go pick out a gift. I'm so bad at this that I think I appear selfish sometimes. Just as I don't need help, I don't really need gifts. But if a gift is given, I'm very accepting of that gift.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Never read the book although I do agree people are different in the way they like to receive love. I took the quiz, but first off I found it difficult to choose whether to do it as a "single" or a "wife" cuz I was a wife for 25 years. Secondly, I didn't like some of the question choices but was required to pick one. So I'm not so sure my results exactly reflect the truth of what my love language is.

Words of Affirmation 6

Quality time 11

Receiving gifts 5

Acts of Service 5

Physical Touch 3

So one of my disagreements with this quiz is some of the questions regarding someone doing my chores or projects. When I was married and my husband say, started some laundry or cleaned the kitchen, instead of appreciating it, it made me feel like I wasn't living up to his standards so he had to step in. So I couldn't appreciate it because it made me feel inadequate.

As far as the gifts, I love getting gifts, but most of the time, my opinion is that my friends and family (with the exception of a couple of people) don't put much thought into what I would "like" and I feel like they just randomly pick something. So in that case I would just rather have them give me cash or nothing than to give me a gift I really didn't want or need. I, on the other hand, feel like I take too much thought sometimes in getting others a gift and sometimes I cannot even make a choice because I don't want them to feel like I do when someone just randomly gives me something.

I also love being surprised. I always wished my husband would surprise me with a trip that he planned. It never happened, but a couple of years ago a very dear friend surprised me by paying my way to Europe! I love traveling and anyone giving me a "trip" to anywhere would be appreciated and wanted. Especially since I never have funds to go anywhere!

It's funny that Words of Affirmation were my second highest, because people tell me all the time that I am such a great mother, doing so well with my boys after my husband's death, and I tend to not really believe them that much. I think I am doing what is necessary, but I don't think I will earn mother of the year award or anything close. My kids don't even want to go to church anymore, so I definitely don't think I am very successful at the moment. So when people compliment me, I tend to discount it often.

And the questions regarding physical touch I guess didn't resonate with me. I like being touched, but really only by my kids and friends and if I was in a relationship so again, I'm kind of surprised that is so low on the results. Oh well it is what it is I guess.

 

[Life2Christ]

I took the quiz on the website but I couldn't finish it. I feel like it was the same question 30 times. I got frustrated. :o

 

[blackribbon]

Life in Christ...yes, the same questions but never against each other...it helps prioritize which is more important...

Michelle...I think that the test probably rang very true for you....The love language of gifts..is about giving gifts that mean something...that show that someone has bothered to notice who you are not...not necessarily the value of the gift. You would feel much more loved if people gave you gifts that show that they have noticed WHO you are. Also, the trip would have been a gift...and by your husband not noticing that it mattered to you, he missed out on an opportunity to really show you love in a way that you would really have felt it.

And the act of service...yeah, I get what you are saying...it isn't an act of service if you feel like it is a "put down" or someone pointing out somewhere you are failing... (there is a joke that when a married man carries a plate from the living room to the kitchen, he almost expects fireworks and an award waiting for him.....this is NOT acts of service). However, if it was truly an act of service...just a surprise to please you...then you probably would have felt blessed.

However, truthfully, this isn't just about romantic love....so when my kids do the towels and put them away, yes I feel loved...when they do a load because they want a pair of jeans cleaned and remembered that you must wash entire loads, I do not feel loved (or unloved).

 

[blackribbon]

And words of affirmation only ring true if I believe them...when people tell me I'm doing great in this widow's life....I know otherwise...I am only doing what I have to do....however, if someone sings my praise about my ability to teach something, yeah, it feels good because I know that that is among my God-given talents and it feels good when someone recognizes it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Life in Christ...yes, the same questions but never against each other...it helps prioritize which is more important...

Michelle...I think that the test probably rang very true for you....The love language of gifts..is about giving gifts that mean something...that show that someone has bothered to notice who you are not...not necessarily the value of the gift. You would feel much more loved if people gave you gifts that show that they have noticed WHO you are. Also, the trip would have been a gift...and by your husband not noticing that it mattered to you, he missed out on an opportunity to really show you love in a way that you would really have felt it.

And the act of service...yeah, I get what you are saying...it isn't an act of service if you feel like it is a "put down" or someone pointing out somewhere you are failing... (there is a joke that when a married man carries a plate from the living room to the kitchen, he almost expects fireworks and an award waiting for him.....this is NOT acts of service). However, if it was truly an act of service...just a surprise to please you...then you probably would have felt blessed.

However, truthfully, this isn't just about romantic love....so when my kids do the towels and put them away, yes I feel loved...when they do a load because they want a pair of jeans cleaned and remembered that you must wash entire loads, I do not feel loved (or unloved).

Ha Ha I LOL'd at the husband expecting an award! So true! One time though, my husband and I went on vacation to where we got married, Jackson Hole, Wyoming and he ended up getting 2 jobs while we were there. He had been out of work in construction where we lived in CA, so that was really a blessing. So anyway I went back and gave notice and packed up the house while he stayed and worked. Now at the time, we had to live in a Motel 6 motel room due to money and a housing shortage in the area (and the fact that the room was free because he worked there). So anyway, when I came back to be with him, he had "decorated" the bathroom with new towels and rugs and candles just to surprise me. We couldn't do much in a motel room, but what a NICE gesture it was that he thought of and carried out! Between that and his love letters I felt VERY loved during that time in our lives.

Oh and BTW when my kids do laundry because they need clothes done, I STILL feel like I failed and didn't get the laundry done when THEY needed it lol.

 

[blackribbon]

Oh and BTW when my kids do laundry because they need clothes done, I STILL feel like I failed and didn't get the laundry done when THEY needed it lol.

If they are old enough to run the machine, I just figured they got an opportunity to fine tune a 'life skill'. I taught way too many people how to wash their clothes at college...my kids learned how to run the machine before they were 5. I still do most of the loads though.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

If they are old enough to run the machine, I just figured they got an opportunity to fine tune a 'life skill'. I taught way too many people how to wash their clothes at college...my kids learned how to run the machine before they were 5. I still do most of the loads though.

my kids know how, it just feels like "my" job lol. In fact a friend of my son's that is staying with us needed laundry done and my son showed him how to do it, so he does know how and he doesn't make me feel bad about it, it's in me, probably from my husband IDK

 

[dayhiker]

Michelle,
Your the head huncho, so your suppose to delegate things for the kids to do not feel like you have to do the job! My boys did their own laundry from the time they were 12 on.

Well, now we know why there is such a big gap between you and exit and I on the touch/sexual desire issue. sounds like its more than theological!

 

[blackribbon]

Michelle...

It is our job to raise our boys to NOT think they deserve an award when they help around the house. We do this by allowing them to do normal stuff and acknowledging that they have helped...but that is it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Michelle,
Your the head huncho, so your suppose to delegate things for the kids to do not feel like you have to do the job! My boys did their own laundry from the time they were 12 on.

Well, now we know why there is such a big gap between you and exit and I on the touch/sexual desire issue. sounds like its more than theological!

Explain please? I'm blonder than normal today and I am not getting what you are saying

Michelle...

It is our job to raise our boys to NOT think they deserve an award when they help around the house. We do this by allowing them to do normal stuff and acknowledging that they have helped...but that is it.

I DO raise my boys to do stuff without expecting an award. Most days they make their own meals, they do yard work, pick up dog poop, take out the trash, and put their dishes in the dishwasher and unload the dishwasher if the dishes are clean, and whatever else I ask them to do. They have been taught to do chores since they were about 6 or 7. Since there are only 3 of us, and here in AZ the electric is on a timeframe meaning certain times of the day it's cheaper than others, it's easier and more economical to do our laundry together. If they did it themselves, they would do it when it costs more for electricity, and it would use more water too. So while I don't really mind if they do their own, I kind of do .

 

[dayhiker]

One the discussion we have been having is how important sex is to us. Exit and I have been saying its very important to us. I know the touch in the 5 love languages pictures touch as not sexual.

So basically I was saying sine exit and I have a primary love language of touch and that is low you for that I suspect that accounts for some of the difference in your perspective on sex to exit and my perspective on sex.

Explain please? I'm blonder than normal today and I am not getting what you are saying

 

[blackribbon]

I DO raise my boys to do stuff without expecting an award. .

I'm not criticizing your mothering. Sounds like you have it covered. I was just addressing the statement that you made about feeling like you failed if the kids needed to wash their own clothes.

 

[blackribbon]

It sounds like you might be having one of those widow days when we really need our husbands to wrap their arms around us and tell us that "it will be okay". ((hugs)).