What is dating?

[sweetlambofgod]

its the process of going out with someone to get to know them better to see if you wanna start a relationship with them

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

A married friend of mine who's opinion I highly respect told me something about dating that kind've threw me for a loop when I first heard it. He said he didn't actually start dating his wife until after he married her. And after he explained his reasoning, it made perfect sense.

He said that most people try be their "best" when they go out on dates, which is actually counter productive when trying to get to know somebody because you can't really love somebody until you've seen them at their worst. He said that in the act of trying to impress somebody new, there's this tendency to become a little fake. For instance, (and this is just a generalization), if a girl is normally accustomed to wearing jeans and a t-shirt from Monday through Friday, and for her date on Saturday night so goes to the salon and gets her hair done, and spends alot of time in front of the mirror getting herself all decked out, then the guy she goes out with that night really isn't getting a "true" picture of her. He said he wanted to be able to fall in love with the Monday to Friday version of his wife who, when he dropped by her apartment at the spur of the moment, was wearing a t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, and had "bed head."

He said that now that he's married, he and his wife use the getting all decked out to go out and paint the town red stuff to maintain the spice in their relationship.

Made sense to me at least.

 

[alfrodull]

A married friend of mine who's opinion I highly respect told me something about dating that kind've threw me for a loop when I first heard it. He said he didn't actually start dating his wife until after he married her. And after he explained his reasoning, it made perfect sense.

He said that most people try be their "best" when they go out on dates, which is actually counter productive when trying to get to know somebody because you can't really love somebody until you've seen them at their worst. He said that in the act of trying to impress somebody new, there's this tendency to become a little fake. For instance, (and this is just a generalization), if a girl is normally accustomed to wearing jeans and a t-shirt from Monday through Friday, and for her date on Saturday night so goes to the salon and gets her hair done, and spends alot of time in front of the mirror getting herself all decked out, then the guy she goes out with that night really isn't getting a "true" picture of her. He said he wanted to be able to fall in love with the Monday to Friday version of his wife who, when he dropped by her apartment at the spur of the moment, was wearing a t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, and had "bed head."

He said that now that he's married, he and his wife use the getting all decked out to go out and paint the town red stuff to maintain the spice in their relationship.

Made sense to me at least.

Now if only I could find someone with the same philosophy as your friend! It seems like everyone else expects that dating fakeness, but it goes against pretty much everything I stand for.

 

[sweetlambofgod]

Now if only I could find someone with the same philosophy as your friend! It seems like everyone else expects that dating fakeness, but it goes against pretty much everything I stand for.

same here!

 

[ido]

A married friend of mine who's opinion I highly respect told me something about dating that kind've threw me for a loop when I first heard it. He said he didn't actually start dating his wife until after he married her. And after he explained his reasoning, it made perfect sense.

He said that most people try be their "best" when they go out on dates, which is actually counter productive when trying to get to know somebody because you can't really love somebody until you've seen them at their worst. He said that in the act of trying to impress somebody new, there's this tendency to become a little fake. For instance, (and this is just a generalization), if a girl is normally accustomed to wearing jeans and a t-shirt from Monday through Friday, and for her date on Saturday night so goes to the salon and gets her hair done, and spends alot of time in front of the mirror getting herself all decked out, then the guy she goes out with that night really isn't getting a "true" picture of her. He said he wanted to be able to fall in love with the Monday to Friday version of his wife who, when he dropped by her apartment at the spur of the moment, was wearing a t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, and had "bed head."

He said that now that he's married, he and his wife use the getting all decked out to go out and paint the town red stuff to maintain the spice in their relationship.

Made sense to me at least.

This is very true! Nobody can look "perfect" all the time. If a person is only attracted to the done up version of someone they're dating - they're dating the wrong person!

 

[Niels]

The problem is if you don't act fake, then somebody who *does* act fake will make a better impression than you.


Anyway, I don't attach negative connotations to dating. Other people "kiss dating goodbye" or always suspect "ulterior motives". With all the bad talk about dating, and the vilifying of guys who pursue (by assuming that we're only after one thing ), it's no mystery why fewer men are assertive with women these days.

 

[sampa]

A married friend of mine ..... He said he didn't actually start dating his wife until after he married her. And after he explained his reasoning, it made perfect sense.

Interesting, maybe it depends on who your after? if we think about the bible Esther was after a King and had maybe a whole year of beauty treatments. Ruth was working in the field right along side Boaz, Mon-Friday girl I guess. I'm sure there's other examples but maybe they don't apply to today.

I actually know two couples that they didn't date before marrying back in the 70's. Unfortunately this one good friend and mentor went through a divorce a year ago. She told me that she thinks it might have been better if they had dated and spent time getting to know one another.

 

[Gardener101]

Dating: this is the situation of a man and a woman who are not married and are not yet betrothed, but who are involved in a romantic relationship that involves some level of exclusivity.

 

[ido]

The problem is if you don't act fake, then somebody who *does* act fake will make a better impression than you.


Anyway, I don't attach negative connotations to dating. Other people "kiss dating goodbye" or always suspect "ulterior motives". With all the bad talk about dating, and the vilifying of guys who pursue (by assuming that we're only after one thing ), it's no mystery why fewer men are assertive with women these days.

We only villify the ones that make it clear they are only after one thing.

 

[innerlink]

Dating is a big pain in the arrrse, that's what it is.

Not sure who said it earlier but dating is full of expectations at least in my experience and it's a headache.

Good that someone else has seen the light

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

I actually know two couples that they didn't date before marrying back in the 70's.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't advocate people not getting to know eachother before getting married; actually quite the contrary. I'm just saying that it seems like there is so much emphasis placed on the rituals associated with dating that alot of people seem to believe that there is no other way to really get to know somebody unless you're doing it in that "mode."

Just to offer one small example, I could just as easily get to know a girl if on a Saturday afternoon I'm underneath my, (or her), car working on it, and we're shooting the breeze while I wrench on stuff and she hands me tools.

 

[Shad6374]

Dating to me was not what I envisioned. I always thought that when people were dating that they held hands in public and showed affection towards each other within reason of course. That you are happy when you're together ect.. ect...

But when I was dating my ex-fiance she wasn't into the whole holding hands and kissing in public deal but would turn around and say I didn't show affection.

We would be going to eat dinner and she would ask where I wanted to go and I'd say I didn't know what do you want and she'd get infuriated with me. I'm like well I asked you and you didn't know either so why are you mad at me?? I'm a very simple guy I'm not picky they got food hey I'm there. But she took it as me being the man in the realtionship not being able to be forceful or able to make important decisions that I alway relied on her to do that and I'm like it's just dinner we aren't deciding where we want to live or what color to paint the house. lol

So I guess men and women just have very different views and that complicates the whole dating thing because when you are taught certain things growing up it's hard to just break those habits.

For instance I'm from the states and she's from canada and here in the states at least where I come from we don't bag our own groceries but in Canada I guess it's some custom that even though you don't have to bag your groceries it's considered inconsiderate if you don't or something. I can't remember how many times I got fussed at over something just as small as that.

 

[Crucifix]

If my understanding is correct, an IMPORTANT part of dating is communication and what each person in the couple is used to. It MAY be a matter of expectations.

When you were asked where you wanted to go, I'd have made a couple of suggestions, regardless of your lack of preference. (I'm the same way; I don't have any preferences either.) This would have given her an idea from which to work. If her preferences didn't agree, then she could have offered a few of her own. From there you could have come to a common ground about the restaurant.

I've also known women who preferred to just sit by me and chat. Not necessarily holding hands unless one was offered first. If it was refused, then I'd have been OK with that. It MAY be that it could be expectations which haven't been voiced and preconceived notions or lifestyle differences with which she may or may not have been used to. Some women are slow to be demonstrative toward men. That's natural; they're making decisions about which we have no knowledge, but it would affect them, more than we realize.

 

[Tamara224]

This subject cracks me up.

Dating is simply, imo, two people trying each other on for size, getting to know one another, spending time together with the underlying understanding that there is romantic/sexual attraction involved (iow, non-platonic).

It doesn't matter what we call it, when a man and a woman start sizing one another up and spending more time together, there are going to be moments of awkwardness. There are going to be expectations, nervousness, trying to impress, etc, etc, etc.

You can call it "courting" or "seeing" or "dating" or whatever you want to. What you call it isn't going to change the way people fall in love or how they get to know one another.

IMO, we waste an awful lot of time and energy worrying about what we call things and trying to find a one-size-fits-all formula for love and marriage.

JMHO.

 

[Im_A]

This subject cracks me up.

Dating is simply, imo, two people trying each other on for size, getting to know one another, spending time together with the underlying understanding that there is romantic/sexual attraction involved (iow, non-platonic).

It doesn't matter what we call it, when a man and a woman start sizing one another up and spending more time together, there are going to be moments of awkwardness. There are going to be expectations, nervousness, trying to impress, etc, etc, etc.

You can call it "courting" or "seeing" or "dating" or whatever you want to. What you call it isn't going to change the way people fall in love or how they get to know one another.

IMO, we waste an awful lot of time and energy worrying about what we call things and trying to find a one-size-fits-all formula for love and marriage.

JMHO.

i agree with you here but i'm convinced it is the only way one can find their proverbial soulmate/special someone.

everyone has an agenda when finding someone. that one size fits all formula for themselves. it's a sad game really but i suppose, as far as i can see it right now for myself, it's the only way to know if you want the person that you have for the rest of your life.

i mean if there was a better way, why would so many of us have relationship issues, or have upteen amounts of breakups or have a relationship of some sort or be married?

 

[Tamara224]

i agree with you here but i'm convinced it is the only way one can find their proverbial soulmate/special someone.

everyone has an agenda when finding someone. that one size fits all formula for themselves. it's a sad game really but i suppose, as far as i can see it right now for myself, it's the only way to know if you want the person that you have for the rest of your life.

i mean if there was a better way, why would so many of us have relationship issues, or have upteen amounts of breakups or have a relationship of some sort or be married?

IMO, our problems stem mostly from the expectations we have with regard to romance and love coupled with our mentality of defeatism.

We try and find a formula or a correct method of finding the right one. Hoping that if we do all of our prep-work right, everything will run smoothly. So we think that we have to be selfish to determine whether this person is going to make us happy before we can commit.

But the problem, imo, is that we forget that it is, in large part, up to us to decide that the person we have chosen is the one, by virtue of that choice alone.

Failed relationships in our day and age, imo, are becoming self-fulfilling prophecy. People plan for failure and expect unrealistic "happiness." Failure is almost bound to happen with that kind of mentality. And then we wonder how to tweak the formula to make it better the next time instead of realizing that it doesn't matter if a couple dates instead of courts, or elopes suddenly, has an over-long engagement to "make sure", or is in an arranged marriage. People can have successful marriages no matter how they met and vice versa. Because the circumstances leading up to marriage are not what keep a marriage whole.

JMHO - hope that makes sense to someone else.

 

[Crucifix]

It does make sense - planning for failure. I perceive differences as opportunities to learn more about yourself from the other person's point of view.

 

[sweetlambofgod]

Dating to me was not what I envisioned. I always thought that when people were dating that they held hands in public and showed affection towards each other within reason of course. That you are happy when you're together ect.. ect...

But when I was dating my ex-fiance she wasn't into the whole holding hands and kissing in public deal but would turn around and say I didn't show affection.

We would be going to eat dinner and she would ask where I wanted to go and I'd say I didn't know what do you want and she'd get infuriated with me. I'm like well I asked you and you didn't know either so why are you mad at me?? I'm a very simple guy I'm not picky they got food hey I'm there. But she took it as me being the man in the realtionship not being able to be forceful or able to make important decisions that I alway relied on her to do that and I'm like it's just dinner we aren't deciding where we want to live or what color to paint the house. lol

So I guess men and women just have very different views and that complicates the whole dating thing because when you are taught certain things growing up it's hard to just break those habits.

For instance I'm from the states and she's from canada and here in the states at least where I come from we don't bag our own groceries but in Canada I guess it's some custom that even though you don't have to bag your groceries it's considered inconsiderate if you don't or something. I can't remember how many times I got fussed at over something just as small as that.

really? most places here bag your groceries for you except for like superstore

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

really? most places here bag your groceries for you except for like superstore

There you go again, shattering the illusion that Canada is a big happyland where elves open doors for you and birds sing songs to you wherever you go

 

[Crucifix]

There you go again, shattering the illusion that Canada is a big happyland where elves open doors for you and birds sing songs to you wherever you go

Yes, but in Russia, you can't do it because you're frozen!! ZHave you read the book, "The Brothers Karamazov"?