It seems like you might be asking the question, "How is it that Hell can exist?" Or, "How is it that anyone can go to Hell?" Or am I misinterpreting?
Hell is a big part of this distress to me. But allow me to clarify something.
In answer to your first question "How is it that hell can exist?" I defer to Orthodox thinking on this matter. Hell, according to the Church and the Fathers, is the love of God experienced as torment by the wicked. I have no problem with this, and I actually had a very miniscule taste of this myself many years ago.
I was visiting a monastery, attempting to discern if I was called to that life, my wife having passed away a year earlier. On the last night there, I had a sudden and unexpected inner revelation. No voices, no lights, just searing and painful truth. In my mind's eye, I saw my wife and how miserably I had treated her over the many years of our marriage. As we drifted apart (because I was a jerk) I failed to show love to her. A simple thing, like going upstairs and getting off the fool computer, sitting down with her in her illness, and watching TV with her, would have been the loving thing to do. The deep knowledge of this failure and my utter self-centeredness caused me intense pain, and I do not exaggerate to say that it felt like a fire in my mind as the truth bore down on me. I had always thought of myself as a good Christian because I kept the rules. I was confronted with the truth, and it burned like fire! I spent the night weeping and begging God to forgive me.
Now multiply that by a couple of trillion. That's hell. And every sinner will face this upon death. All pretense and lies will be stripped away in the presence of He who is Truth. The same truth and love that the repentant will experience as bliss will torment the wicked. It is both just of God and what Orthodoxy teaches.
What I wrestle with is the idea of never-ending torment in a place where demons beat up on you and pour hot lead up your anus for your sins. You know, the popular Roman Catholic and Protestant view of hell which got wings during the Medieval epoch. This is what I am expected to believe, that God endorses this, created this, throws people into it (according to some I have read) and the redeemed sit and laugh at the burning torments of the wicked, a al Tertullian and Thomas Aquinas. There is a huge consensus in the Christian world that this is really true, and to question it brings forth all manner of name-calling from those who believe in it.
As for the second question you asked, if an eternal burning hell is true (which, again, I am told that I must believe that this hell is eternal) then I have a real problem with a God who would not be doing everything possible to keep men and women from going there. Yes, there is the Cross. That is the victory, and we sing the Paschal hymn, ". . . by death He trampled death." But to allow that defeated enemy access to souls, when the consequence is never-ending agony, strikes me in a bad way.
This is why The Ladder and other writings strike me in a bad way. Writers speak about souls falling off the ladder with an almost casual I-Really-Don't-Care" attitude, as if "Well, I got my salvation. Too bad for everyone else who couldn't keep from falling off the ladder." And I am sensitive to this because A.) my own sins. I keep the Confessional nice and warm, but like it says in the prayers of repentance in our Orthodox Prayer Book, ". . . hardly an hour passes, and I do the same things again." This makes me wonder if I am just a clown who is fooling himself and my true state, unknown to me, invites the judgment of God and His wrath. You really have no idea how this bothers me. I try to focus on Christ, the only one who loves mankind, and the Cross and His beauty, but these thoughts are a constant annoyance to me. Couple them with my failures as a Christian, and it is a huge problem to me.
And B.) I have children (and friends) who want nothing to do with Christ. People I care about, who, if an eternal, burning fire of God's wrath is really true, will most likely be there forever.
In closing, let me say that I do not wish to be anything other than a good, obedient Orthodox Christian who trusts in and obeys what the Church teaches. Just reading this post should convince me and anyone else that only in obedience to the Church, as opposed to our confused and darkened minds, is there both safety and salvation. I must trust what the Church teaches and what the Fathers have taught, but it is hard to ignore the reality of what an eternity in God's displeasure means. Everyone of us struggles with a particular weak spot in our faith. This is mine.
