What happens in a divorce?

[Messy]

Thats weird when people say dont judge and then they go to the divorce court where they actually pay someone to judge for them.


I dont get it.

It's in the Bible. Don't judge so you won't be judged because you who judge practice the same things. My ex always says: with every finger you point at someone three point back. But you don't sound judging, but concerned.

 

[Goodbook]

I dont practice the same things. You are welcome to judge me if you think ive judged you.
But theres nothing to judge.

So i dont get why couples will go to a judge to get divorce if they dont wAnt to be judged!!! Makes no sense. Believers are not meant to go to court or sue each other anyway. You meant to forgive each other seventy times seven and reconcile youselves to God. If you incapable of that, then of course you will need to go to a judge.

 

[Messy]

I dont practice the same things. You are welcome to judge me if you think ive judged you.
But theres nothing to judge.

So i dont get why couples will go to a judge to get divorce if they dont wAnt to be judged!!! Makes no sense. Believers are not meant to go to court or sue each other anyway. You meant to forgive each other seventy times seven and reconcile youselves to God. If you incapable of that, then of course you will need to go to a judge.

No I think you're just concerned. Sometimes things people post sound like they judge but since I don't know you I shouldn't judge about that.
If one wants to divorce there's not much you can do. You're like unbelievers when you do that and need a judge anyway but I was more happy with our judge who forced him to have mediation and coparent than I was with critical people who knew everything better. It's easy talking when you're not in those extreme things yourself.

 

[Goodbook]

I think its harder to hold unbelievers to their vows as they would have said them, more likely to be unbelieving anyway. Cos when you make a vow, you really making them to God who sees you making that vow. The wedding minister wont always be there to make sure you married, but God is.

Im sorry you had to go through divorce messy.

Can i ask did your x remarry? Im supposing it was adultery, but like someone else said could be other reason, marrying too young, dont know what you getting into etc. but with that scenario, as know a divorced couple, its not like they were decieved into what marriage would entail. She knew she was marrying an older guy. She eloped. She knew she wouldnt have parental support. Etc. so, a lot of time, you enter into it knowing maybe it wont last you kinda deceive yourself cos you just dont want to be single I suppose.

 

[Goodbook]

Its funny I just think of them as married but living apart. They may see other people, but they still parenting two daughters. I dont think anyone can get away with that or pass off their offspring to stepparents.

Its different in the case of being widowed, but divorce, you ex gonna always be in The picture if you have children together. When people talk about their dads gf or their mums bf I kinda do double take cos that is just weird for me. My parents having bfs and gfs? I dont think so! They hardly bf and gf to each other. They just married lol.

 

[Goodbook]

Unless the x just ran away. In case of solo mums often not even married. The dad abandons the child. Although that can happen with the mum 'bolting'.

Anyway, as my cousin coming to visit this weekend just wondering if should say anything. I feel like I want to email his wife, my cousin in law just to see if shes ok. And ask about their son. Last time came here with his son. Its sad if they not together anymore that might not see her again, cos shes still family unless they divorce. But even if they do divorce, shes still the mum! So...just wonder what would be the benefit of divorcing if no adultery was involved.

 

[Messy]

I think its harder to hold unbelievers to their vows as they would have said them, more likely to be unbelieving anyway. Cos when you make a vow, you really making them to God who sees you making that vow. The wedding minister wont always be there to make sure you married, but God is.

Im sorry you had to go through divorce messy.

Can i ask did your x remarry? Im supposing it was adultery, but like someone else said could be other reason, marrying too young, dont know what you getting into etc. but with that scenario, as know a divorced couple, its not like they were decieved into what marriage would entail. She knew she was marrying an older guy. She eloped. She knew she wouldnt have parental support. Etc. so, a lot of time, you enter into it knowing maybe it wont last you kinda deceive yourself cos you just dont want to be single I suppose.

We both remarried in no time and divorced again in no time. I fell from my faith, because I started living in sin. My first ex was a pastor. He was my first boyfriend, got prophesies that it was from God. When he dumped me (I had a postnatal depression during/after the third pregnancy) I ran off with a drugaddicted atheist in a mental hospital I came in after I did a suicide attack because of wrong medication I got. Within 2 days I asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said yes immediately. My first ex had been chatting with a woman and in that ungodly environment everyone said I had a Biblical reason to remarry now. I had one evening when I was at my weakest point in life to decide to go with my ex with his: I maybe want you back in 5 years but only if you change, you do everything wrong, everything is your fault, you have to change, do this, do that, or that sweet guy that said: I like you as you are and I want to accept Jesus if I get you with it. So I was so stupid to go with him and my ex was furious, I didn't even understand he was just jealous, because he was so hateful, he took the kids, we had a very unchristian filthy divorce, he lied to the judge that he had always taken care of them and got them because I was as unstable and idiotic as can be.
7 weeks after I ran off with the other guy he called me if I wanted him back, but I was using pot, I was nuts, I thought I was married to that other guy now and Leviticus says you can't go back to your first husband. We married ourselves in the mental hospital by just reading something from internet.

A year later I broke it off with that guy and came back to God and called my ex and said: I'm sorry I ran off with the first one I met and he said he was sorry for chatting and lol that he didn't mean to take the kids. I wanted to try again, but I had been living with that other guy for a year in sin, so he first said yes, but he dated someone else and I can understand he didn't want it anymore then. He would marry her and then I felt sorry for myself and my exboyfriend wanted to talk, so we married within a few weeks to not live in sin and it was a disaster from day one.
His marriage lasted 6 months, then she left.
Stupid. There's a reason Paul says stay alone or reconcile.

 

[TheDag]

Huh?
Im sorry.
I dont get what you trying to say. Im not judging everyone, just the ppl i know about. Im not in a position to judge you. Love of money is the root of all evil, so, you just have to check your heart. Some ppl do marry just for money...then find out when thats gone, they dont have a marriage.

Sad but true.

ok then think a bit more carefully about how you phrase things in future. Your post that I responded to made a general comment. There was no indication it was only a few couples. The post you responded to which forms part of the context of your post also was a general comment so you need to give an indication if you are talking about specific couples.

As for all being unhappy. In a way yes but then I have a friend who while she gets lonely she is also glad she left her partner. At one stage she thought the only way out was to take her life. Only because she had a daughter and didn't want to leave her with him that she kept going. Thankfully she is out of that abusive relationship and no longer used as a punching bag. Just because someone is not happy does not mean it was a mistake.

 

[TheDag]

Huh?
Im sorry.
I dont get what you trying to say. Im not judging everyone, just the ppl i know about. Im not in a position to judge you. Love of money is the root of all evil, so, you just have to check your heart. Some ppl do marry just for money...then find out when thats gone, they dont have a marriage.

Sad but true.

ok then think a bit more carefully about how you phrase things in future. Your post that I responded to made a general comment. There was no indication it was only a few couples. The post you responded to which forms part of the context of your post also was a general comment so you need to give an indication if you are talking about specific couples.

As for all being unhappy. In a way yes but then I have a friend who while she gets lonely she is also glad she left her partner. At one stage she thought the only way out was to take her life. Only because she had a daughter and didn't want to leave her with him that she kept going. Thankfully she is out of that abusive relationship and no longer used as a punching bag. Just because someone is not happy does not mean it was a mistake.

 

[ValleyGal]

Thats weird when people say dont judge and then they go to the divorce court where they actually pay someone to judge for them.


I dont get it.

If you go to divorce court, they simply evaluate the situation and make a ruling. No one is found "guilty" and no one is condemned to serve a sentence. Both spouses typically are free - even to remarry (which is what the certificate of divorce is for, according to the Bible). We all make these kinds of evaluative judgements every day, like who to make friends with, what kind of career to have, which employers they want to work for, etc.

However, if you go to criminal court and the judge makes a ruling in order to condemn (finding someone guilty) and then sentence them to pay for their crimes, that is the kind of judgement we are warned against because it is not our place - it is God who is the righteous Judge, not us. When we do make these kinds of judgements, we come across as holier-than-thou, but we are called to humility; that is, knowing that we are no better and no worse than anyone else, even the worst of offenders.

 

[paul1149]

The best book I've read on this is The Divorce Decision by Gary Richmond.

 

[Goodbook]

Ok, but with divorce court isnt that like finding out if one party IS GUILTY? of adultery???

And thats why they need to divorce to protect the other spouse and as the one that cheated has to pay, like parenting costs or alimony? And custody of children? The children cant be with an abusive parent after all.

Thats why I dont understand why a mother or dad would split up and let the child stay with the other spouse if that spouse had been unfaithful and actually didnt want to take responisbility and be a loving parent anymore, if they cant even love their own spouse, how can they love their children??? They dont want to be with their spouse anymore, but they let their children be with them? They could be open to abuse. The new partner, like the step parent could molest their children. Ive heard of that happening...many children had step dads or mums that treated them really bad.

 

[Goodbook]

Im afraid what that guy that the wife cheated with, how he would treat her children if they actually got together/remarried. Since he cheated on his owns wife who also had children...it seems like he doesnt care.

Two marriages get destroyed in the process and the children are torn. His own wife, apparently turned lesbian. He seems to be very confused of his own identity, i.e he wears womens clothing!!! Its just very weird and odd and I dont know what to pray in that situation. Of course that family left the church. It was weird they there in the first place, cos they led worship and i just found them an odd couple.

 

[ValleyGal]

Ok, but with divorce court isnt that like finding out if one party IS GUILTY? of adultery???

And thats why they need to divorce to protect the other spouse and as the one that cheated has to pay, like parenting costs or alimony? And custody of children? The children cant be with an abusive parent after all.

Thats why I dont understand why a mother or dad would split up and let the child stay with the other spouse if that spouse had been unfaithful and actually didnt want to take responisbility and be a loving parent anymore, if they cant even love their own spouse, how can they love their children??? They dont want to be with their spouse anymore, but they let their children be with them? They could be open to abuse. The new partner, like the step parent could molest their children. Ive heard of that happening...many children had step dads or mums that treated them really bad.

Divorce is not always the result of adultery. In fact, I'd say adultery is a very low percentage of those who choose to divorce. Most of the time it has more to do with irreconcilable differences or a mutual agreement. So unless there is a charge cited as a reason for divorce (such as divorcing for abuse), there is no criminal conviction, no condemnation. This is how we are to "judge" - evaluate without condemnation.

The other part of your questioning has to do with parenting. Whether a divorce is a result of one parent being abusive, it's not about the children. Divorced people can still co-parent. But if a divorce is the result of abuse, I don't know many people at all who would allow the abusive parent unsupervised visits. People can absolutely love their children and not love the other parent. It happens all the time. I absolutely love my son, but I absolutely do not love his father - at least not in a romantic, spousal sense.

 

[Goodbook]

So what is divorce about then? You just cant love each other? Even though you got married and promised to? You vowed before God but you just cant do it anymore? Is that it?

 

[Dave-W]

Actually, adultry was not a just cause for divorce in the bible. Adultery carried a death penalty so the offending spouse would be killed. No need for a divorce.

 

[Goodbook]

Can you give me an example of irreconcialable differences?

 

[Goodbook]

Oh true..but i thought, in NT times God was having mercy on those with hard hearts and let them go off with their lovers.

 

[Goodbook]

Well, jesus said sexual immorality when he talked about divorce. This can include adultery but theres other ways of being sexual immoral. Like the person could be absuing their spouse sexually, like raping them. In the marriage or getting them to do things they dont wanna do in bed.

 

[Goodbook]

They could also, want three people in the marriage bed, I heard of that. Yuck.