Hi I am really confused, I thought that I was truly saved for several years because I had trusted and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and believed I was saved because I had asked Jesus to forgive me for all my sins.
However recently I went through terrible struggles against falling away- the devil tried to force me to eternally reject and curse Christ, say the most evil things against God imaginable, worship the Devil himself and serve him and pray against other Christians and Gods work.
I have also at times found myself really struggling to continue believing my faith.
Praise God despite the fact this went on continually for several months, I didn't fall. However it has made me extremely concerned that perhaps I was never genuinely saved in the first place. The reason why is that in searching for anything wrong in my faith, I realised that I may never have truly repented due to a total misunderstanding of what repentance actually was. I thought it was simply admitting that you were a sinner and turning to Jesus and asking him to forgive you for all my sins. However I am wondering if God requires more than that- I don't think I ever really made a commitment to living a Godly righteous life- certainly in until this all happened to me I was extremely rebellious against God- I had come to Christ over a similar crisis- I thought (wrongly) that if I ever said a single word against the Holy Spirit I would be eternally condemned- out of the blue I had found myself facing an overwhelming temptation to commit this sin and wanting a chance of eternal life I turned to Jesus and asked him to forgive all my sins so that I could be a Christian and God would help me- I didn't believe in eternal security at that time- only since this recent crisis unfolded upon me have I been assured from my pastor and friends at church that once you are truly saved you can't commit the unpardonable sin. However I am now increasing wondering whether the whole thing was Satan tricking me into a false conversion that wouldn't truly save me and that he tried to eternally destroy me. The reason why I worry about this is that apart from things that I thought would eternally condemn me, there was no attitude or will to truly turn from sin in my life- I kept falling into certain things that I just couldn't get out of and became so obsessed with giving up these things that I totally ignored the things that really mattered and in most areas I just carried on deliberately sinning as I did before. When I confessed my sins to God I didn't even think of these other things. The way I was also extremely rebellious against God and didn't want the Holy Spirit to do anything in my life other than protect me from the 'eternal sin' and that I just wanted to carry on living and acting like a non Christian with friends and family makes me really wonder if I ever did repent and the whole thing wasn't a farce.
Since this crisis happen to me I turned round and said to the Holy Spirit that he could do what ever he wanted in my life that I gave myself completely and totally to him to change anything he wanted and make me like Jesus. However I was still sinning like before and thought well it was Gods responsibility to change me so that I didn't sin. I then went through several weeks of getting angry with God when he uncovered sins I wasn't even aware of and told me to give them up. However wanting to make sure that I was truly saved instead of carrying on committing even favourite sins I asked God several times to bring me to true saving repentance. Gradually I was brought round to the idea and have since said to God that I am willing to give up absolutely everything wrong in my life and fight it through prayer like I had to with what I feared was the unpardonable sin, on the condition that he truly saved me. The truth is now if I am truly saved, I am willing to drop everything wrong in my life now immediately and start to do everything I can to obey God. But the problem is I have absolutely no assurance from God that I am truly saved- I feel nothing of the presence and love of God and haven't ever since Autumn 2000 and I am worried that I have in fact blown it and sinned myself into perdition. There was an incident -the last time I ever felt the presence of God when God tried to get me to give up a favourite sin, not something terrible or unusual, but I didn't want to and refused because I didn't think I had to -I thought I was already saved. Now after all that has happened to me I often think that I never was saved and have blown it. This is made especially worrying by the fact that I had nightmares in which God strikes me down. It doesn't matter how many times I ask God for salvation and promise that should I receive it and know that I have received it, I will give up everything I know to be wrong- nothing changes. I still feel terribly empty and condemned and I just don't know what to do. I have tried giving up things first and then asking God for salvation but still nothing happens and in my despair not receiving what I truly want, which is true salavtion and a genuine relationship with Jesus as his child, I fall back into favourite sins. I really don't see the point of giving up sin, if I am not truly saved from the fires of hell.
All I seem to get is this 'voice' telling me that I have to meet God's demands and prove that I am truly willing to live a righteous and holy life first BEFORE he will truly save me. But I am thinking well, if this is what true repentance is, I have to earn my salvation and I know salvation can't be earned through works. So help! I am really totally confused, what do I do- am I truly saved? Is there anything I still have to do in order to truly repent or is the fact that I am now willing to totally give up even the most stubborn favourite sins in my life IF God saves me, true repentance? Or do I have to just give up everything I know to be wrong anyway and hope that God will one day decide that my repentance is genuine and truly accept me. I couldn't be more confused about this issue if I tried- I never had any problems with faith and believing, but I still don't understand what true repentance really is and I don't want Jesus throwing me in hell because I got it wrong.
Sorry for the mammoth post, but it is the only way I could explain everything and so hopefully get the answer I so desperately need.
Thanks!
However recently I went through terrible struggles against falling away- the devil tried to force me to eternally reject and curse Christ, say the most evil things against God imaginable, worship the Devil himself and serve him and pray against other Christians and Gods work.
I have also at times found myself really struggling to continue believing my faith.
Praise God despite the fact this went on continually for several months, I didn't fall. However it has made me extremely concerned that perhaps I was never genuinely saved in the first place. The reason why is that in searching for anything wrong in my faith, I realised that I may never have truly repented due to a total misunderstanding of what repentance actually was. I thought it was simply admitting that you were a sinner and turning to Jesus and asking him to forgive you for all my sins. However I am wondering if God requires more than that- I don't think I ever really made a commitment to living a Godly righteous life- certainly in until this all happened to me I was extremely rebellious against God- I had come to Christ over a similar crisis- I thought (wrongly) that if I ever said a single word against the Holy Spirit I would be eternally condemned- out of the blue I had found myself facing an overwhelming temptation to commit this sin and wanting a chance of eternal life I turned to Jesus and asked him to forgive all my sins so that I could be a Christian and God would help me- I didn't believe in eternal security at that time- only since this recent crisis unfolded upon me have I been assured from my pastor and friends at church that once you are truly saved you can't commit the unpardonable sin. However I am now increasing wondering whether the whole thing was Satan tricking me into a false conversion that wouldn't truly save me and that he tried to eternally destroy me. The reason why I worry about this is that apart from things that I thought would eternally condemn me, there was no attitude or will to truly turn from sin in my life- I kept falling into certain things that I just couldn't get out of and became so obsessed with giving up these things that I totally ignored the things that really mattered and in most areas I just carried on deliberately sinning as I did before. When I confessed my sins to God I didn't even think of these other things. The way I was also extremely rebellious against God and didn't want the Holy Spirit to do anything in my life other than protect me from the 'eternal sin' and that I just wanted to carry on living and acting like a non Christian with friends and family makes me really wonder if I ever did repent and the whole thing wasn't a farce.
Since this crisis happen to me I turned round and said to the Holy Spirit that he could do what ever he wanted in my life that I gave myself completely and totally to him to change anything he wanted and make me like Jesus. However I was still sinning like before and thought well it was Gods responsibility to change me so that I didn't sin. I then went through several weeks of getting angry with God when he uncovered sins I wasn't even aware of and told me to give them up. However wanting to make sure that I was truly saved instead of carrying on committing even favourite sins I asked God several times to bring me to true saving repentance. Gradually I was brought round to the idea and have since said to God that I am willing to give up absolutely everything wrong in my life and fight it through prayer like I had to with what I feared was the unpardonable sin, on the condition that he truly saved me. The truth is now if I am truly saved, I am willing to drop everything wrong in my life now immediately and start to do everything I can to obey God. But the problem is I have absolutely no assurance from God that I am truly saved- I feel nothing of the presence and love of God and haven't ever since Autumn 2000 and I am worried that I have in fact blown it and sinned myself into perdition. There was an incident -the last time I ever felt the presence of God when God tried to get me to give up a favourite sin, not something terrible or unusual, but I didn't want to and refused because I didn't think I had to -I thought I was already saved. Now after all that has happened to me I often think that I never was saved and have blown it. This is made especially worrying by the fact that I had nightmares in which God strikes me down. It doesn't matter how many times I ask God for salvation and promise that should I receive it and know that I have received it, I will give up everything I know to be wrong- nothing changes. I still feel terribly empty and condemned and I just don't know what to do. I have tried giving up things first and then asking God for salvation but still nothing happens and in my despair not receiving what I truly want, which is true salavtion and a genuine relationship with Jesus as his child, I fall back into favourite sins. I really don't see the point of giving up sin, if I am not truly saved from the fires of hell.
All I seem to get is this 'voice' telling me that I have to meet God's demands and prove that I am truly willing to live a righteous and holy life first BEFORE he will truly save me. But I am thinking well, if this is what true repentance is, I have to earn my salvation and I know salvation can't be earned through works. So help! I am really totally confused, what do I do- am I truly saved? Is there anything I still have to do in order to truly repent or is the fact that I am now willing to totally give up even the most stubborn favourite sins in my life IF God saves me, true repentance? Or do I have to just give up everything I know to be wrong anyway and hope that God will one day decide that my repentance is genuine and truly accept me. I couldn't be more confused about this issue if I tried- I never had any problems with faith and believing, but I still don't understand what true repentance really is and I don't want Jesus throwing me in hell because I got it wrong.
Sorry for the mammoth post, but it is the only way I could explain everything and so hopefully get the answer I so desperately need.
Thanks!
