What do you do?

[CountryLady]

I was wondering what you do when you miss your loved one.

I was given a paper by the hospice program after my loss. It said to start out eating a favorite food, go for a walk, visit family, visit an elderly person from church, do volunteer work, do something to get out of the house for a little while, write in a journal, and other things. I lost alot of weight, my family became so worried... I soon realized that I needed to take care of me, for my children sake. So I started out eating a favorite food, and writing in a journal that I kept in the bedroom. When I missed him so much I would have that favorite treat and take time to write my feelings down, the good memories too. I didn't realized how much it helped at first, but it became a part of my life, I still enjoy eating that special food when I'm down. We all need special treats in our life, they can make us feel good.

 

[Bevlina]

When I lost my loved one, I wrote a letter to him every night!
Now, I get on with life, it's over, gone. That door is closed. Today, I have my animals, and my gardens to keep me busy, the housework and the Computer. I think the really BEST thing I did was buy the computer. Now I can reach my arms around the world and touch those who feel pain and loss. Who hurt and suffer.
Yep ... I just get on with life now. There is always something we can learn isn't there?

 

[CountryLady]

Yes Bevlina, there is always something for us to learn. I find I am still learning, and helping my son learn to except the way life is now.

I know when he misses his dad the most, he asks alot of question's and talks about him alot. At one point he was afraid he would forget his father's face. So we made a picture book- half scrap book for him to look at and keep. I think it gives him some peace.

 

[soblessed53]

Sometimes I spend time in reflection on our life we had,other times I get involved in something else,a movie or a book,or with God or His word.

 

[CountryLady]

Sometimes I sit outside and just watch the clouds go by, listen to the birds in the tree's.

 

[Bevlina]

Yes, I often look at the stars. I also took up photography. That's a great hobby!
If I sit and think of him while alone, I break up too much.

 

[Manna]

I write in my journal. Because of how young my daughter is, she will grow up without any memories of her father, so everytime I get into a meloncholy mood concerning him and our marriage, I pull out the journal and write down my memories of him. Not just events that happened, but the way he thought, the way he walked, how he watched a movie, things like that. It helps me get through the moment by putting a positive spin on it, and it helps knowing that I've worked ahead for the future...she'll want to know those things one day!!

 

[CountryLady]

That is a wonderful thing to do for yourself and your daughter Manna! Big hugs to you

 

[Bevlina]

That is beautiful Manna. She will grow up to know all there is to know about her Dad.

 

[McWilliams]

I started a journal of my loss not long after my husband died. I'd write in it of my feelings and difficulty in coping with his absence. Mostly around holidays when the feelings seemed much more intense! This was 9 yrs ago. I had finally got to the place where I was only writing in it once or twice a year. I recently reviewed that journal and made an entry! It is so amazing to see how far I've come. The last entry I stated that this book had been about my journey into God's great grace! I read the old entries, so full of pain and see how very good our sweet Lord has been to me to bring me so far and to be so very real in my life! At times I addressed the entries to my husband and at times I would address them to the Lord.

Sometimes I wonder if I should destroy the book or leave it to show God's handiwork! I dont want to cause more difficulty for my kids but think that perhaps they might see what a journey through grief really looks like! I have one page left so the next entry in the book will be my last!

What do you think would be the best thing to do with it? Appreciate your thoughts!

 

[CountryLady]

Hello McWilliams, Journaling is a great way to get the feelings out. The last page (wow), you have came a long way. I know if my mom or my late dad would have wrote a journal I would want to read it. Maybe you could ask them if they would like to read it, or save it for sometime in their future so they can read it then. What a wonderful thing you have done to help yourself during that time, and now wanting to share with your children. That's so beautiful, you have a kind heart. Big hug to you.

 

[McWilliams]

Thank you!

 

[Manna]

I was thinking the same thing. That would probably be something interesting for your children to read. If it were me, I would take the time to re-read everything I had written, and if there was something in there that I wanted to keep just between God and myself, I would take it out of the book. But that's coming from a pretty private person, so I may be in the minority on that one! =)

 

[Hisbygrace]

I write letters to him in my journal... For a while I wrote poetry to him.

 

[Bevlina]

After a time, I stopped writing him letters. I think he got sick of all the mail.

 

[CountryLady]

The Christmas season is really hard on my son he is reminded that his dad is no longer here with us, to join in and share. We took a Christmas flower arrangement to put on his headstone. It makes my son feel better to know that we did something special. Remembering the good times we shared, my son and I talk about the Christmas's past and share and laugh. Altho we may not all be here, we can still enjoy the day and have wonderful times, which make wonderful memories.

 

[robert adams]

Boy, you ladies are more stable than I am. I tried to journal, once, and could not do it. I journaled prior to my wife's death, but cannot do it now.

McWilliams, good question: I can't even begin to think what I would do because I do not have your emotional maturity.

Bob

 

[Dogbean]

I'm just starting to learn dealing with this. My wife died suddenly in October. I'm starting to feel mad about it more than sad. It was so sudden we could not even say goodbye. And she was so key for our family....took care of the kids so well...Kids I didn't evne really want so soon. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I fought her about how many to have, and while we argued, birth control failed and they just kept pouring out. God's in control I guess, not us. They He takes her away from me? What kind of message is that? I'm not mad at God, but I'm mad at what happened to her.

 

[c1ners]

Elevation,

I understand completly. It's normal to be mad at your spouse for leaving you. It's part of the healing process. Unfortunately, in this lifetime, we may never understand the WHY part of it. Why did it have to happen? Why did it happen to her? Why not someone who was bad? Why me? Why now? Why God, Why? Those are questions that I seem to ask of God everyday, and it's been over 18 years.
Just try to keep in mind that God has a reason for everything. It may not seem fair now, but one day you'll understand, and one day you'll be reunited with her.
God Bless, and keep strong.
I am praying for you and your family.

 

[robert adams]

I have not posted here in awhile and just finished reading recent posts.

I remember that, a short time after my wife died unexpectedly, I was asked if I thought God had made a mistake. I remembered that God is all powerful and all knowing. So, the answer was obviously "No."

It is still a dark night in my soul. And, like CountryLady said, Christmastime brings back a flood of memories. Kleenex usage doubles this time of year for me. What do I do? Try not to cry in public. I tried to go to bed and sleep through Christmas and New Years. That didn't work. A good cry to get it all out seems to work best fo me. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your child grieve and not be able to help. I tend to want to fix everything (like most men) and suddenly realized that I could not fix either my stroke or my wife's death. That realiztion hit hard. Women are much better comforters than men. I wish I knew a magic solution.