So much of what I have read in this forum has touched me. I am in a very strange place in my life. A little digression is needed to explain this uncomfortable pass I am navigating.
I grew up in a lukewarm church, lukewarm Christian family. I grew up knowing about God all my life. I was one of those people at the altar constantly asking forgiveness on Sunday morning and on Sunday night out with boys in cars. You get my drift. I behaved much the same through two marriages. Married the third time, I determined that it would be my last marriage and only death would break my marriage vows. That was nearly 18 years ago and somewhere midstream all the things I knew about God finally sunk in and became real to me and I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptised. The final part of my third marriage was the classic struggle of believer married to unbeliever, but that is another post...
Just over a year ago my husband moved out of our home and into an apartment with someone else's wife. That too is another post... The upshot is now I am struggling to build a new life. I have had two serious relationships that ended badly since then, both because of my honesty about my past. Neither relationship included actual physical contact, but there was quite a lot of discussion about attitudes and preferences in sexual matters. One totally rejected me after initiating sexual conversation. The other took the conversation to an extreme that made me uncomfortable and I halted the conversations. Both men are Christians.
Now, I am facing the end of another relationship, much like the other two, no physical contact but much talk. This situation was doomed to failure from the start as this man is unsaved, but is ending before that became an issue because I was again honest about my past. This man pointedly asked. Faced with the questions, I couldn't lie. And now he is "thinking" about if he wants to see me any longer.
God be praised, I am not suffering the consequences of my past sins in the form of any sexually transmited diseases. What I am struggling with is just what do I say when asked such questions as how many partners I have had? Have I ever cheated? I am no longer that person. I did stumble one time since my husband left, but have been celebate for nearly a year and was faithful to my husband throughout our entire marriage.
At this point I am terrifed to even contemplate a first date for fear the subject will come up eventually and I will be rejected again. I am torn between honesty and fear that honesty will forever doom me to being single. And add to that while I know that I have to let go of the guilt and shame of having been so immersed in sexual sin... it still torments me... as does the temptation to slip again.
I don't know what to say if the question comes up again and I am sure it will. How do I keep from making myself look bad in the eyes of a prospective spouse and not commit another sin by lying about my past?
I grew up in a lukewarm church, lukewarm Christian family. I grew up knowing about God all my life. I was one of those people at the altar constantly asking forgiveness on Sunday morning and on Sunday night out with boys in cars. You get my drift. I behaved much the same through two marriages. Married the third time, I determined that it would be my last marriage and only death would break my marriage vows. That was nearly 18 years ago and somewhere midstream all the things I knew about God finally sunk in and became real to me and I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptised. The final part of my third marriage was the classic struggle of believer married to unbeliever, but that is another post...
Just over a year ago my husband moved out of our home and into an apartment with someone else's wife. That too is another post... The upshot is now I am struggling to build a new life. I have had two serious relationships that ended badly since then, both because of my honesty about my past. Neither relationship included actual physical contact, but there was quite a lot of discussion about attitudes and preferences in sexual matters. One totally rejected me after initiating sexual conversation. The other took the conversation to an extreme that made me uncomfortable and I halted the conversations. Both men are Christians.
Now, I am facing the end of another relationship, much like the other two, no physical contact but much talk. This situation was doomed to failure from the start as this man is unsaved, but is ending before that became an issue because I was again honest about my past. This man pointedly asked. Faced with the questions, I couldn't lie. And now he is "thinking" about if he wants to see me any longer.
God be praised, I am not suffering the consequences of my past sins in the form of any sexually transmited diseases. What I am struggling with is just what do I say when asked such questions as how many partners I have had? Have I ever cheated? I am no longer that person. I did stumble one time since my husband left, but have been celebate for nearly a year and was faithful to my husband throughout our entire marriage.
At this point I am terrifed to even contemplate a first date for fear the subject will come up eventually and I will be rejected again. I am torn between honesty and fear that honesty will forever doom me to being single. And add to that while I know that I have to let go of the guilt and shame of having been so immersed in sexual sin... it still torments me... as does the temptation to slip again.
I don't know what to say if the question comes up again and I am sure it will. How do I keep from making myself look bad in the eyes of a prospective spouse and not commit another sin by lying about my past?
I got alot of thinking to do and to learn how to pace myself... MY pace not anyone else's....
