What do I do???

[overit]

Differing opinions for sure-but I think we aren't dealing w/your own situation either Ink-you mentioned a drug addiction, breaking into the house, etc...a little more serious.

I consider my siblings closer then just say a cousin for example-if they were young, acting out irresponsibly in SOME ways but overall were just kids growing up (albeit doing stupid things) it would not stop me from helping them out and particularly pushing for school-IMO sometimes that itself can get the ball rolling.

I know some will advice against her having them-that's just simply a matter of how people relate/deal with/handle familial relationships...and actually I might add is a very US cultural thing to "get them out at 18"...and not necessarily the best way to go about it-IMO as a culture there we fail a bit....

So in my book-kicking an 18yr old out (who works full time) for smoking out is an overreaction and unecessarily harsh and not something I would ever do. I'm not a doormat-but I'm not one to kick out my siblings/children/etc...for toking or even drinking at that age when kids are discovering a lot in life. NOW ...if it became very destructive, out of control...other measures can be taken. I'm not quite sure what the girls situation is though.

 

[JonMiller]

I don't necessarily think they should be kicked out.

I just note that the right answer is not to always support them, sometimes the right answer is to kick them out. This is what I have defended here. I gave the example of my own sister.

We all don't have the information needed to make the correct decision. My personal inclination was to temporarily (set an end date) house them while they get more work/pay for their own food/etc). If she was worried that she couldn't house them, then it seems like they are much worse than they might otherwise appear and perhaps the right choice is to withdraw support and make them fend for themselves.

JM

 

[Luther073082]

I don't think immaturity is the only reason people end up dropping out of college. It can be a factor, but plenty of guys manage to make it through college and we all know how immature guys usually are.

Just kidding. But, seriously, I think that maturity is just one factor in whether or not someone survives the freshman year of college. I was plenty mature when I went away to school, but my parents had been ridiculously strict and kept me under their thumb through HS - so for me, going from complete lack of control to complete control was what tripped me up. I didn't know how to manage myself - but it had very little to do with being immature or irresponsible (I was neither - in fact, I often got compliments stating how mature/responsible I was).

But being able to manage yourself is one of the top things in terms of maturity. So by my standards I wouldn't say you where totally mature. Yes you might not have been acting in an immature way, but you had not learned the things that you need to to in order to act independently. Of course you would appear mature to anyone who met you because of how you where raised. But when left to your own devices you where clueless. (Which is something not everyone can see.)

Either way these girls obviously are not going to be able to manage themselves.

And I'm not saying that a lot of maturity isn't learned in college. I in fact think college is a great place to mature people. I certainly wasn't the most mature person when I was 18. However you have to come in with at least a minimum amount of maturity in you.

Personally I think anyone of average intellgence can get through college as long as they have 3 things. Maturity, Motivation, and Work Ethic. (And really the other two often also come with the maturity.)

 

[ido]

But being able to manage yourself is one of the top things in terms of maturity. So by my standards I wouldn't say you where totally mature. Yes you might not have been acting in an immature way, but you had not learned the things that you need to to in order to act independently. Of course you would appear mature to anyone who met you because of how you where raised. But when left to your own devices you where clueless. (Which is something not everyone can see.)

Either way these girls obviously are not going to be able to manage themselves.

And I'm not saying that a lot of maturity isn't learned in college. I in fact think college is a great place to mature people. I certainly wasn't the most mature person when I was 18. However you have to come in with at least a minimum amount of maturity in you.

Personally I think anyone of average intellgence can get through college as long as they have 3 things. Maturity, Motivation, and Work Ethic. (And really the other two often also come with the maturity.)

I think it was more an issue of not having been taught a skill (personal/time management) than being immature in some way. JMHO

 

[Luther073082]

I think it was more an issue of not having been taught a skill (personal/time management) than being immature in some way. JMHO

Perhaps, but if you apply the same standard then a guy not knowing how to do his laundry and saving it all for mom when he comes home on breaks would not be immature.

Met a few guys like that. Werided me out.

I also taught several how to do their laundry. It amazed me how many parents would send them off to college without ever teaching them how to clean their clothes.

 

[ido]

Perhaps, but if you apply the same standard then a guy not knowing how to do his laundry and saving it all for mom when he comes home on breaks would not be immature.

Met a few guys like that. Werided me out.

I also taught several how to do their laundry. It amazed me how many parents would send them off to college without ever teaching them how to clean their clothes.

I don't view a guy taking his laundry home to mom as immature. I view it as a guy whose mom never taught him the valuable life skill of being able to do his own laundry. And, if he knew how to do it but just saved it for her b/c she would do it for him anyway - well then, he's just flat out spoiled.

 

[kevlite2020]

Before I say anything, I just want to put on a disclaimer that I don't know you well, or do I understand this situation perfectly, so any advice I give, take it with a grain of salt...

I think the single most important thing you can do in this situation is to not allow yourself to feel guilty. The actions of your sisters and the actions of your mother are what presented this situation to you and I don't know that there is a perfect way for you to solve this. Realize that it's not your fault that they are in this situation and if you can't help bring about a resolution, do not blame yourself as it's not your responsibility or fault.

I like the ideas some people have had about letting them live under your roof with conditions (no smoking, no boys, no drinking, etc). One thing I think might be possible (don't know your financial situation) is to allow them a few weeks to move in with you and get settled, and from then on make them pay you a monthly rent, include utilities and food and such and tell them if they don't pay, you'll evict them. It might force them into a higher level of maturity, as well as prepare them for moving out on their own. If they aren't allowed to do any drugs in your house and they have to work hard, it might cause a positive turn around.

On top of that, give them all of Jesus that you can (this you should probably do whether you let them live with you or not). It sounds like they both take a very secular approach to the world and if you can show them who Jesus is and what it means to live a good life, they may turn things around.

This situation is pretty complicated and I don't have any real solid advice, and for that I'm sorry. I will pray for you and I hope things get worked out.

 

[canehdianhotstuff]

Ok...who the heck NEEDS to be taught how to do laundry...the stupid machine only has a couple dials with self explanatory labels of what they do. Simple as setting the water, turning the big dial to "small" "medium" "large" load of clothes and pull it out. I'd have to say you have to be pretty dense not to figure that out.

 

[ido]

Ok...who the heck NEEDS to be taught how to do laundry...the stupid machine only has a couple dials with self explanatory labels of what they do. Simple as setting the water, turning the big dial to "small" "medium" "large" load of clothes and pull it out. I'd have to say you have to be pretty dense not to figure that out.

You do laundry the same way my boyfriend does.

 

[canehdianhotstuff]

You do laundry the same way my boyfriend does.

Well it isnt hard lol. The machine does all the work! Of course you add the soap as well...and it better be organic detergent! And if you really want, you separate the whites and the darks...personally I dont care, nothing ever happens.

Once I put in a white t-shirt with some reds and I got a pink tye-dye t-shirt that was pretty cool looking so I kept it that way lol.

 

[Inkachu]

I do laundry the "man" way...everything in one load, cold water My clothes are just fine, lol.

 

[Luther073082]

I do laundry the "man" way...everything in one load, cold water My clothes are just fine, lol.

Does that mean I do my laundry the "woman" way?

3 Loads - Whites, colors, pants.*

I do use all cold water typically though.

*Note: If the total load is small I sometimes combine pants with colors. But most of the time that is how I do my laundry.

 

[kevlite2020]

I do laundry the "man" way...everything in one load, cold water My clothes are just fine, lol.

This is the key to great laundry! Exactly how I do it. And to add to that, the best way to iron clothes is to just throw them back in the dryer for a lil bit

 

[ido]

I hope Red doesn't mind that we've derailed her thread.

Red

 

[Redstiletto]

I am not quite sure what men doing laundry has to do with anything I am concerned with... and the proper way to do it is

whites/lights
darks
reds/pinks
towels/blankets
bedding


but that isnt the point.

i am thinking Amy is comeing to stay here, but i have to talk to her, and she will have strict rules, when she is here and not working she will have to help me clean (which will be good since I cant do much with my foot in teh boot) and she will have to start applying for full time work.

I am going to make both of my sisters goals to go to school in the fall. I know them, and if they dont go, they will never go. It is a local college so they can commute which cuts down on the partying quite a bit, and after a year or two of that, when Amy is ready to go to the 4 year college, she should be much better and have money toward it.

 

[CoachR64]

I have to say... at 18, I don't have a problem with your mom doing what she did, especially if they are out partying and using drugs. I would boot them out of my house as well.

I know you love them and care for them, but you have to look out for you and your son as well Bringing them in would be a huge mistake, even if they help pay for groceries and such.

They may not have their heads on perfectly straight, but they will survive. They will find a place to stay, they will learn to use their money for the necessities in life, and they will grow up fast. They have no other choice.

I may sound like a jerk here, but I side with your mom. I wouldn't allow them to live like that under my roof at 18 either. If I turned 18, was using drugs, partying, disrespecting and disobeying my parents, my dad would have packed my bags for me and sent me on my way. And rightfully so.

Coach

 

[Redstiletto]

The thing is... my mom supported their ways.... she bought them alcohol... she knew my sister did pot.

SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT.

Its her own fault!

And then to kick them out. I dont agree with it.

 

[kevlite2020]

The thing is... my mom supported their ways.... she bought them alcohol... she knew my sister did pot.

SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT.

Its her own fault!

And then to kick them out. I dont agree with it.

I know what that's like. Criticizing/punishing them for things that she allowed, I've been in that boat in the past

Just pray for your sisters and be a good influence, hopefully they will come to the light!

 

[Redstiletto]

( My other sister, Trisha... who is 20 and still lives at my parents house just called crying.
I guess my mom is now drinking at like 3 in the afternoon and smoking again. And its really stressing Trisha out, she doesnt want to go home, she doesnt know what to do, she is worried about the twins. And taking it like me, all on her shoulders. she just sat on the phone with me for like 20 minutes crying on her way to work because she doesnt know what to do.
She works hard, she has two jobs, and is a good kid. She doesnt need this stress put on her either. And my mom doesnt need the stress either... why are my parents doing this??? Why are they tearing our family apart? It all just comes back to me... I am the glue that has to keep us together... that is my role, it always has been.... but what do I do?

 

[Inkachu]

Take some deep breaths, get alone if you can for a while, and pray hard, surrender the situation, and listen to what God tells you to do. Try to separate what your conscience says from what your emotions say, which I know can be REALLY hard to do.

That's the best advice I can give you.

You've had the majority of the replies here say not to do it or give serious warning against it. In the end though, the choice is yours.