What do I do???

[GQ Chris]

I sorta can see your mom's point, sometimes it takes some tough love for people to grow up and get serious and start taking care of business. It is a cruel world, but we as individuals are not absolved of any responsibility we have to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for our own actions.

Don't get me wrong sometimes people do need some help, but when it comes to the point where they won't take responsibility for their own well being, they eventually become burdens for the rest of society.

 

[mina]

Do they WANT to do better? Do they see WHY their mom isn't having patience about this? This is a hard situation. I think family does have to look after family, but you don't let them run all over you, especially if it's your house. Your house , your rules. If it were me, I'd make it very very very clear what the conditions were for them living with me- if they mooched or did anything that would be a bad example or a safety issue to your child, make it clear that that is the end of them living with you. The way I see it, they are both adults and need to understand that they can't live anyway they want to at the expense of others. they need to take some responsibility for their own behaviors. I wouldn't buy them food; if they are coming into your home- they need to be responsible for feeding themselves if you can not afford to. Or they need to help you by paying rent.
Unfortunately we can try to help people all we want, but until they WANT to help themselves nothing much changes.

 

[JonMiller]

It is a hard thing. It is true though that at some point in time tough love is the way to go. Otherwise you are enabling someone.

Letting them stay temporarily, for a couple of days might be OK... as long as they knew and moved to be able to stay on their own. Yes that means the one sister would have to look for more work (and change her habits to party less often).

By the way, my older sister had friends she stayed with for a period of time. And I know many other people who have done things similarly. If your sisters just have terrible friends, then that is (a major) part of the problem.

It doesn't have to end their hopes of college (unless your mom was paying for that).

JM

 

[Balugon]

It's not your fault Red that this is happening. Sometimes people make stupid choices, on both sides, and so someone suffers the consequences. Paul did say "10For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.' " 2 Thessalonians 3:10. Paul wasn't interested in free-loaders. God put man on this earth to work it and take care of it. If we don't do our part, we reap our own rewards. Obviously the elderly and disabled is an entirely different issue.

As for your sisters, i would say have them try to stay with friends, or talk to people in your church about it, or look for a shelter somewhere, or find a relative. It's not your job to babysit the world, sometimes even though its painful, if we dont have the resources, we just have to let people suffer in what they are in. People in Africa are dying every day because they dont have something as simple as food, and yet there are people who weep for them on a regular basis because if they could help them more, they would; but they don't have the resources. It's just how it is. Don't lose your head trying to save theirs, then you all will be drowning. Just try to be as resourceful and overall responsible as u can be, and leave the rest to God.

Prayed for ya.

 

[Im_A]

Hey guys... gals... friends... companions on this board... whatever you are to me here...

I am coming to you for advice... i have been put in a tough spot, and I dont know what to do... I need help. And I need to be strong enough to ask for it now.

Long story short, my mom and sisters have put me in a bad spot.

My mom kicked my sisters out of the house today because they went against her and went to Ohio to pick up their friend Cassie, who wanted to come home but had no way of getting here.

So when they got home this morning she told them they could pack their stuff and leave. And that they were not welcome there anymore.

What am I supposed to do when my baby sisters are calling me crying because they have no where else to go? I cant afford to let them move in here, I cant feed two teenage mouths, I have a hard enough time supporting luke and me. I have the room but not enough money for them.

One of them works almost 40 hours a week, which is great but she is the rebel, the pot and cigeratte smoker... I cant have that in my house.. I have a two year old! The other one only works about 5 to 10 hours a week and can barely afford gas... and she goes out and parties several times a week. I cant stay up late worrying if she is going ot try and drive home....

But I cant just sit here and watch them suffer, they are my baby sisters... they are only 18, neither of them has their heads on straight enough to survive out there.

And my moms response when i called her... "THey have shelters out there... or their friends... and boyfriends."

She doesnt even care.

What am I supposed to say when my baby sister calls me and tells me she is living in her car for a week until my mom takes it away because she cant afford the insurance on it.
I am sitting here crying... I dont know what to do ... I want my sisters to have good lives, not to suffer for the mistakes they have made with their teenage years...

What do I do? What would you do?

Please... I am at a loss.

~nicole

Wow,I do not what to say but I am very sorry to hear this.

What I would do is take them in and just make it work to the best of our ability. Enforce that if they are of working age, they have to start looking for work. Look over your finances very closely and see what you can do for them, for at least a temporary status, and I am just guessing that because I have known people who kick their teenage children out, and they always take them back in time. Tell them, they are going to have to go through more sacrifices as well because you cannot provide for them financially like your mother has at this time.

If I was in a situation where my sister got kicked out by mother, I couldn't say no. Regardless of what she did, grant it. People make mistakes, and there's better ways to illustrate tough love than kicking your kids out and basically telling them the streets are your home to get some point across. How to do that though, I think you only know because if you take them into your house, your going to have to look in very close detail what you can sacrifice for time being to at least let them have some food and shelter. Tell them, they have to earn their keep there if they aren't of working age. To do everything around the house etc. Also call up your mother and tell her what you have to do because regardless of their mistakes, no family member should throw their children to the streets so because of her decision you have to burden the shoulder of taking care and inevitably raise these kids since the kicking out is yet to be determined on how long it will be. If my mother kicked my sister out and I was on my own where I had to take her, hell would be raised every chance I could get with my mother. Because a mother is there to raise them, not abandon them because they are unruly. The blame doesn't shift from the child to the parent because sure the child's mistakes are to be blamed because they caused this situation to occur, but you are their sister, not their mother and should never be in the place that you are in right now, so I say, raise hell with your mother to take them back, and be a mother and discipline them, punish them for their actions, take their car away if need be, but at least, be a parent and provide the basics of life to them.

This is the best I can advise if you take them. I don't know your finances or anything along that nature so I couldn't say what to do in exacts there except if you do, be prepared to make sacrifices and focus on the essentials that all of you would need for a time if you have to. Tell them, since they work, they can provide their food. Meaning, the one that works 40 hours can help you with bills with food, the one that works 5-10 hours a week, can help as well, but with the hours worked, one can't expect a whole lot of help there. No pot, they can't drink, and make sure you don't let them take control of the house. Its your house and your provide for your son, so they have to understand that they can't live wild or what not if they stay with you and they are going to have to provide for food and drinks, and maybe you and the one that works 40 hours a week can look at your current bills and see which one would be feasible for her to help with as well.

I doubt any of this helps you hon but regardless, I sure hope things get better and hope things turn around for you and your family.

 

[Redstiletto]

I am in a horrible mood this morning. I stayed up all night contimplating this.

To answer some questions... yes WD I still live in the same house.. so you know I have plenty of room.

Mina - yes they want to do better.... especially Andrea, and she was doing better at my moms. She gained a lot of weight in the last 6 months and was working to clean up and get healthy. They want to straighten up, but now without guidance I dont think they will.

They were both supposed to go to college this fall, but now that doesnt seem possible if they are worried about paying for living expenses. Amy cant even afford food for herself.

i am still torn between what to do, my mom wont listen to anything. She is more stubborn than any of us, that is where we get it from.

Maybe my dad will help out, I havent talked to him to get his opinioin.

*sigh* being the oldest sucks sometimes.

 

[Im_A]

I am in a horrible mood this morning. I stayed up all night contimplating this.

To answer some questions... yes WD I still live in the same house.. so you know I have plenty of room.

Mina - yes they want to do better.... especially Andrea, and she was doing better at my moms. She gained a lot of weight in the last 6 months and was working to clean up and get healthy. They want to straighten up, but now without guidance I dont think they will.

They were both supposed to go to college this fall, but now that doesnt seem possible if they are worried about paying for living expenses. Amy cant even afford food for herself.

i am still torn between what to do, my mom wont listen to anything. She is more stubborn than any of us, that is where we get it from.

Maybe my dad will help out, I havent talked to him to get his opinioin.

*sigh* being the oldest sucks sometimes.

Talking to your dad is a good idea. Do you have any other family you can discuss this with? Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, anyone else in the family?

 

[Luther073082]

Its tough to say but sometimes when someone is taking their life so far in the wrong direction, the best thing to do is to not assist them.

It sounds like your sisters where disobedient and have been depending on their mom to bail them out from their stupidity.

With the immaturity of them however, I wouldn't worry about them not going to college right now. They would be washed out after a year unless they grew up.

 

[ido]

Given some of the things that you have shared previously and comments you made in this thread, it sounds like your mom shaped them to be irresponsible party girls who probably saw her more as a friend than an authority figure. Now, she's gone and flipped the tables on them and tried to be the authoritarian where probably little to no authority exists.

That does put you in a predicament b/c it forces you to either enforce her sudden change of heart or become the rescuer for your sisters. So, I can see where you are torn and stressed about this situation.

So....what can you do? I think the best thing at this point that you can do to help your sisters is teach them how to help themselves. If you take them in and they break the rules, you risk alienating yourself from either/both of them if you have to enforce consequences. So, help them figure out what public resources they can use to help themselves. There should be housing assistance, food stamps/food pantries/soup kitchens for them to tap into to get on their own feet. I wouldn't even recommend temporarily housing them b/c it could cause a strain if they don't manage to find a place to stay by the deadline you give them. They could try looking on roommates.com or checking the bulletin boards at the college they would have been attending (assuming it's local) for people who are renting rooms or studio apts.

Of course, above all else, pray for them and let them know you're praying for them. Tell them that you love them, but you can't fix their problems for them - but will gladly help them figure out ways to fix their problems themselves.

If they truly want your help, they will take it however they can get it. If they're just looking for an easy fix by being able to crash at your place - then you'll know by their reactions.

 

[JonMiller]

I really have seen many many people become allowed to monumentally screw up their lives because their parents and others around them continue to enable them to do things that if thety were responsible for themselves they wouldn't be able to do.

Yeah, people need support, especially of their family. But when they are indepdent, then at some point you have to say 'yes, you can make your own choices, but I won't support this anymore'.

I won't give my sister money, for example, yet I love her and her children and want her to be successful. But if I give her money, it will get wasted (or worst, spent on drugs/etc).

JM

 

[overit]

I am in a horrible mood this morning. I stayed up all night contimplating this.

To answer some questions... yes WD I still live in the same house.. so you know I have plenty of room.

Mina - yes they want to do better.... especially Andrea, and she was doing better at my moms. She gained a lot of weight in the last 6 months and was working to clean up and get healthy. They want to straighten up, but now without guidance I dont think they will.

They were both supposed to go to college this fall, but now that doesnt seem possible if they are worried about paying for living expenses. Amy cant even afford food for herself.

i am still torn between what to do, my mom wont listen to anything. She is more stubborn than any of us, that is where we get it from.

Maybe my dad will help out, I havent talked to him to get his opinioin.

*sigh* being the oldest sucks sometimes.

I'm sorry you're there right now! I agree completely with I'mA....family is family-in your shoes, I would take them in, no doubt. Yes...ok, they are a little "out of control"...they're 18...most of them are...heck I know I was!

*

As a parent-you're job isn't over the day they hit 18 IMO-if they are still growing then you continue to guide, set boundaries, or get help. You do NOT throw them in the streets. Doesn't sound like they've endangered the household or anything either, just partying like almost every 18yrd old out there. She should have gone for help to their father, aunts, grandparents, you...have a family meeting, something....so her failure as a mom is kind of falling on you-which is tough-but IMO you can set clear ground rules-get it in WRITING, have everyone sign it and give them a hand.

I rather know they are safe and with some protection and still planning on going to college-even if they are toking and drinking-....but that's JMO.

 

[JonMiller]

The law currently doesn't allow you to discipline 18 yearolds. It is even hard to discipline any teenagers.

How can you be a parent without the ability to discpline? How can you be a good parent? The only real discipline you have is to draw a line and say don't cross this. And apparently these girls did.

There isn't parenting without discipline. Otherwise it is just enabling. And that is very damaging and wrong. And a good part of the reason why there are so many people with screwed up lives.

JM

 

[mina]

Maybe one of the stipulations of living with you, could be that they are going to college in the fall or whenever (Thats the goal). And they have to help around the house and contribute to food, etc.... They are able bodied adults. It's not your fault that they are like this. It's important to help family; but I also think your own child's safety and well being comes first. If it were my sisters , I would help them for a trial period, but I would set clear boundaries for them coming into my home with my children.

 

[overit]

The law currently doesn't allow you to discipline 18 yearolds. It is even hard to discipline any teenagers.

How can you be a parent without the ability to discpline? How can you be a good parent? The only real discipline you have is to draw a line and say don't cross this. And apparently these girls did.

There isn't parenting without discipline. Otherwise it is just enabling. And that is very damaging and wrong. And a good part of the reason why there are so many people with screwed up lives.

JM

It's called guidance-if they are off the path and you can't "discipline" you can guide, set boundaries, enforce consequences. If you go from buying them booze to kicking them out-that's your failure as a parent. So....how can you be a good parent? Well, again, see above...boundaries, guidance, love, safe environment, prayers and support from others when needed. You don't need to "discipline" at this point in order to help guide your child.

There's a passage that says: Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
This guides me to believe-that as with the prodigal son- He even knows that even a well trained child may "temporarily depart" or act out-but will eventually return to it...it says when he is old-that's a long time of growing. 18yr olds these days are still kids-maturity wise, they are rebelling, growing, learning about independence, personal responsibility, etc. We can't expect them to know everything and act 100% responsible, adult like and behaved. It ain't going to happen. There are few cases of 18yr olds that don't act crazy ...shoot there's a few cases of under 25 that dont' act this way

 

[Luther073082]

Maybe one of the stipulations of living with you, could be that they are going to college in the fall or whenever (Thats the goal). And they have to help around the house and contribute to food, etc.... They are able bodied adults. It's not your fault that they are like this. It's important to help family; but I also think your own child's safety and well being comes first. If it were my sisters , I would help them for a trial period, but I would set clear boundaries for them coming into my home with my children.

I don't think thats a good idea.

I don't know about people's experiences at other schools, but at my school immature people washed out in a year or less. If they go to college with the maturity they have, they will almost certainly wash out. And it would be better for them to delay it, grow up a bit, and then go then for them to go and wash out.

 

[mina]

Well, I don't know her sisters and I don't know how they are in school and I'm not going to judge how well they are going to do. But if they were planning to go to college and they had been accepted and plans are in place; then I'd want them to follow through. College may not be for them at this time- but they should try it and see. If they choose not to do that, then another alternative stipulation would be that they work full time. If they want to go to college, then I would help encourage them in that direction to reach that goal. But , if they are functioning enough to not be in the hospital or in rehab. , then they need to be doing something with their time that's going to help them stand on their own feet- work or school.

 

[ido]

I don't think thats a good idea.

I don't know about people's experiences at other schools, but at my school immature people washed out in a year or less. If they go to college with the maturity they have, they will almost certainly wash out. And it would be better for them to delay it, grow up a bit, and then go then for them to go and wash out.

I don't think immaturity is the only reason people end up dropping out of college. It can be a factor, but plenty of guys manage to make it through college and we all know how immature guys usually are.

Just kidding. But, seriously, I think that maturity is just one factor in whether or not someone survives the freshman year of college. I was plenty mature when I went away to school, but my parents had been ridiculously strict and kept me under their thumb through HS - so for me, going from complete lack of control to complete control was what tripped me up. I didn't know how to manage myself - but it had very little to do with being immature or irresponsible (I was neither - in fact, I often got compliments stating how mature/responsible I was).

 

[Inkachu]

Its tough to say but sometimes when someone is taking their life so far in the wrong direction, the best thing to do is to not assist them.

It sounds like your sisters where disobedient and have been depending on their mom to bail them out from their stupidity.

With the immaturity of them however, I wouldn't worry about them not going to college right now. They would be washed out after a year unless they grew up.

I agree with this. And sadly, I agree that in their current state of immaturity and rebellion, college is probably not going to work as Kirk said. Sure, plenty of college kids are wasted and high, but a successful college experience demands high amounts of self-discipline and endless hours of work.

Given some of the things that you have shared previously and comments you made in this thread, it sounds like your mom shaped them to be irresponsible party girls who probably saw her more as a friend than an authority figure. Now, she's gone and flipped the tables on them and tried to be the authoritarian where probably little to no authority exists.

That does put you in a predicament b/c it forces you to either enforce her sudden change of heart or become the rescuer for your sisters. So, I can see where you are torn and stressed about this situation.

So....what can you do? I think the best thing at this point that you can do to help your sisters is teach them how to help themselves. If you take them in and they break the rules, you risk alienating yourself from either/both of them if you have to enforce consequences. So, help them figure out what public resources they can use to help themselves. There should be housing assistance, food stamps/food pantries/soup kitchens for them to tap into to get on their own feet. I wouldn't even recommend temporarily housing them b/c it could cause a strain if they don't manage to find a place to stay by the deadline you give them. They could try looking on roommates.com or checking the bulletin boards at the college they would have been attending (assuming it's local) for people who are renting rooms or studio apts.

Of course, above all else, pray for them and let them know you're praying for them. Tell them that you love them, but you can't fix their problems for them - but will gladly help them figure out ways to fix their problems themselves.

If they truly want your help, they will take it however they can get it. If they're just looking for an easy fix by being able to crash at your place - then you'll know by their reactions.

Totally agree 100%.

And this made me think of another point. A lot of people here are suggesting allowing them to move in and force them to follow certain rules or stipulations. How likely is it that two teen girls are going to suddenly snap to and start living reponsibly overnight, especially when their only authority figure is their own sister? And if they don't, Red, are you going to be emotionally able to literally kick them out while they cry and beg and promise to do better next time?

This has "trouble" written all over it. I echo FNG's post again - see what non-family resources are available to help them. They're adults, and they can make it if they truly want to. Those of us who have had friends/family latch onto us in similar situations are all advising against it...listen to the wisdom of experience!

 

[JonMiller]

Many people who go to college, even many people who get college degrees, are wasting their time and money (and others time and money).

You need to go in and work, it shouldn't just be a party place (which many people treat it as).

I actually think that people should work to pay for some of their education (not just work for beer money). This should make them value it more.

JM

 

[ido]

How likely is it that two teen girls are going to suddenly snap to and start living reponsibly overnight, especially when their only authority figure is their own sister? And if they don't, Red, are you going to be emotionally able to literally kick them out while they cry and beg and promise to do better next time?

Great question to consider.

They're adults, and they can make it if they truly want to.

Agreed! I have 3 friends (2 brothers and a sister) whose mom kicked each one of them out as soon as they turned 18 - the daughter and oldest brother were both still in their senior year of HS when she did this to them! Their mom's theory was that they were 18, so they were legal adults and needed to stand on their own two feet. While this is extremely flawed thinking, IMO, all three of them did manage to find ways to provide for themselves. The ones kicked out during their sr year both stayed with friends until they graduated, then they found apts/roommates and got jobs and made it on their own without any help from family.

If your sisters want to survive/thrive, then they will find a way to make it happen. Your guidance would be awesome, but is the most I would offer to them, if I were in your position.

p.s. I think the circumstances in which they found themselves homeless matters here. There are other circumstances which would change my opinion of the situation at hand.