What do I do???

[Redstiletto]

Hey guys... gals... friends... companions on this board... whatever you are to me here...

I am coming to you for advice... i have been put in a tough spot, and I dont know what to do... I need help. And I need to be strong enough to ask for it now.

Long story short, my mom and sisters have put me in a bad spot.

My mom kicked my sisters out of the house today because they went against her and went to Ohio to pick up their friend Cassie, who wanted to come home but had no way of getting here.

So when they got home this morning she told them they could pack their stuff and leave. And that they were not welcome there anymore.

What am I supposed to do when my baby sisters are calling me crying because they have no where else to go? I cant afford to let them move in here, I cant feed two teenage mouths, I have a hard enough time supporting luke and me. I have the room but not enough money for them.

One of them works almost 40 hours a week, which is great but she is the rebel, the pot and cigeratte smoker... I cant have that in my house.. I have a two year old! The other one only works about 5 to 10 hours a week and can barely afford gas... and she goes out and parties several times a week. I cant stay up late worrying if she is going ot try and drive home....

But I cant just sit here and watch them suffer, they are my baby sisters... they are only 18, neither of them has their heads on straight enough to survive out there.

And my moms response when i called her... "THey have shelters out there... or their friends... and boyfriends."

She doesnt even care.

What am I supposed to say when my baby sister calls me and tells me she is living in her car for a week until my mom takes it away because she cant afford the insurance on it.
I am sitting here crying... I dont know what to do ... I want my sisters to have good lives, not to suffer for the mistakes they have made with their teenage years...

What do I do? What would you do?

Please... I am at a loss.

~nicole

 

[Inkachu]

Dang, your mom is harsh...are these sisters both over 18, I'm guessing?

Sadly, they kinda cooked their own goose on this one. If one is a pot smoker, the other is a hardly-working party girl, and I'm guessing they've been living on mom's good graces for quite some time...trouble was coming down the pike sooner or later.

Can they pool their resources (they're both working, I assume they've got bank accounts, at least?) and rent a room together, or a studio apt? If they can stay with friends for a few days, that would give them time to get into an apartment or a room.

If not, I'm afraid a shelter is the only other option. But a single woman working full time should be able to secure some kind of housing, even if it's meager and temporary.

Maybe your mom will soften up and change her mind. But honestly, if I had two 18+ daughters who were behaving that way, I'd give them an ultimatum to straighten up and get out, too.

 

[white dove]

I'm sad to hear you're going through that, Nicole. *hug*


This scenario could play out in several ways. The thing is, family is supposed to be there to love and support, encourage... things like that. But, getting back to why your mom kicked out your sisters...

I would probably talk more with your mother to see what exactly is in her head right now. I highly doubt that your mom kicked them both out because they went against her wishes to go out of town to pick up a friend. It probably has more to do with the drugs or other issues (I'm guessing) - or something else far more serious.


You also have to consider that perhaps your mother is just really angry right now and is saying these things in anger and doesn't mean them. I've had PLENTY of things tossed my way in anger, so I understand what that's all about.


Talk to your mom. Only then can you find any sort of direction on what you need to do.



You don't want to enable and you don't want to bring an unhealthy - and illegal - presence in your house, especially because you have a young child at home.

 

[Redstiletto]

My moms exact words (or close enough) "we have been supporting them long enough... I am done paying their bills... if they cant live in my house by my rules they cant live here anymore."

She is <staff edit>, I even said... "Come on mom... they are your children, we both know this is going ot blow over and you are going to let htem move back in."

and she said nope. They are not welcome there, and she is not changing her mind.

My last resource is my gram... if I can get my gram on my side then maybe my mom will reason.

I just cant let them live on teh streets, bumming from people and friends until what? They get pregnant and are forced to stay with the man the pregnants them? They are just kids!!!!

And yes Inka, they are both 18. Both just graduated from high school... kinda. Amy graduated... Andrea was expelled back in december but they let her get her diploma since she was a few weeks from early graduation.

but whatever... they are her kids! Why doesnt she care?!???

I am their sister, I cant turn them away... but I cant financially afford to take them in. Andrea is the smoker that has good work ethic... Amy is the drinker with bad work ethic... they wouldnt survive.
They wont. and its going to be my fault because I cant help them.

 

[white dove]

It isn't your fault why this is happening, Nicole. It appears that your sisters have made choices that weren't so great for them and now they are being given a stiff hand about it. I think going to your grandmother is a good step. You need some support here - someone who knows the ins and outs of the relationships. The 3 of you talking it out will help. You need to all be on the same page, especially considering you all love your 2 sisters.

No parent wants to see their children on the streets. I worked with high/at-risk teenagers long enough to know that. But, sometimes, it isn't a family member's place to allow questionable behavior to persist - especially if it is damaging. Your sisters need guidance to get back on-track, but I fail to see how you welcoming them in your home will necessarily help that. As I said before, you don't want to enable them.

 

[Redstiletto]

They know the rules of comign to live here, they know i am more strict than my mother.

But yet I am the one they call when they need someone.

 

[white dove]

They call you because they not only love and trust you, but you're their friend and you're safe. When you're a child and are rebelling, you don't want to be around the authoritative figure. Your sisters probably see coming to live with you as a fun experience (and it would be b/c we've met )


But, I know you drink, Nicole (so do I, so I'm definitely not judging here so please don't think that - Remember the fishbowls ). But, just think of having your underage sisters around a party atmosphere and think of how that might affect them getting back on the right track. I just don't see that ending up well. I'm not a fortune teller, so I surely do not know the future. I'm just saying what very well could happen, considering the situation.



Please know that I'm not trying to be a snarky lass. I'm just trying to help.



Our of curiousity, what do your buddies say about this whole thing?

 

[Redstiletto]

Yeah but i dont party that much, and htere is hardly anything in my house. My mom wuld buy them beer, and they know I would never do that, nor would I let them drink it here.

I have thought mnay times it would be better for them to live here... but i cant afford to feed two more mouths.

 

[white dove]

Your mom buys them beer?? Ayyy...


Can you set up a time to talk with your mom and grandmother a.s.a.p.?


Also, what is the situation for tonight? Where are your sisters at the moment?

 

[LoneSheep]

Would they qualify for any gov't assistance programs? I know each state has their own requirements for help, but I figure anything would help until they get on their feet.

 

[Redstiletto]

Your mom buys them beer?? Ayyy...


Can you set up a time to talk with your mom and grandmother a.s.a.p.?


Also, what is the situation for tonight? Where are your sisters at the moment?

Andrea is moving in with her ex... or boyfriend... I dont know what they are... but he is scum.. and I wont say that about a lot of people.. but he is. And I dont want him near him but that is all she has now.

And Amy is staying at her friend Cassie's parents for the night but she can only stay thre tonight.

 

[Redstiletto]

Would they qualify for any gov't assistance programs? I know each state has their own requirements for help, but I figure anything would help until they get on their feet.

i dont know I will have to look that up tonight.

What sucks is that in a little over a month they would both be in college, now i dont think either of them will go.

 

[white dove]

If you still live where you did ~5yrs ago, I might not be able to help with contacts for shelters. I'm only familiar with other areas. But, if you need some numbers, I can get them for you. Sometimes, shelters can scare kids straight, but I know you'd probably rather die than have them stay there.


Talk to the family. Please? I really think it will help.

 

[Inkachu]

Believe it or not, I've been in a very similiar situation. My brother was on drugs and drinking and in trouble through his teen years, all the way till his late 20's. He wreaked complete havoc on our entire family, sucked countless dollars from my parents (always a sob story, of course), even to the point where his druggie friends broke into our home looking for things to steal, putting our whole family in danger.

I would say "of course your mom cares", but knowing that this woman bought her own underage daughters beer...it sounds like a really dysfunctional situation all the way around.

I definitely think you should NOT, under any circumstances, take them into your home, not even temporarily (which always turns into permanently), for Luke's safety if nothing else. Your son does not need to witness his aunts being drunk or high or anything of the sort. And when someone's on drugs, the drug dealers know where they live, and if money doesn't get paid, they will come looking for it at your home. You don't want that.

 

[Keri]

Sorry you're going through this. If I was in this situation, this is what I would do.

If I had the room, I would let them move in, so at least they would have a place to sleep. I would set ground rules.

If any of this occurs, they have to move out.

1) Drinking
2) Smoking/drugs
3) Bringing guys over
4) Anything else that is illegal.

I would tell them straight up that I am NOT going to feed them, they would need to pay for their own food if they wanted to eat and since both of them are working some, then they can buy their own food. That they would have to pay for their share of the utilities, and that they both have to be working more than 20 hours a week in order to stay.

That way, you are being charitable by letting them come to you, but that if they want to stay, they need to prove it but not partying, not doing drugs, not smoking, not drinking and not doing anything illegal.

That way, it's up to them. If they mess up, it's not on you, they can't blame you and you have no reason to blame yourself.

That's just what I would do...

 

[soccerdad66]

Tough situation to be in, and I'll be praying for you. You are the one who has to live with your decision.

In your mom's defense, I doubt this was a isolated incident, but the straw that broke the camels back. As mentioned, I believe your mom still loves them, but felt that she needed to do this.

You are doing the right thing in realizing that you need to do what's best for you and Luke. If you do end up taking them in, make sure that rules are clear, and I'd make them pay you rent, and let them know their actions will determine what happens.

That being said, I do think it would be best that they don't move in, but the alternatives aren't good either.

 

[Blank123]

Sorry you're going through this. If I was in this situation, this is what I would do.

If I had the room, I would let them move in, so at least they would have a place to sleep. I would set ground rules.

If any of this occurs, they have to move out.

1) Drinking
2) Smoking/drugs
3) Bringing guys over
4) Anything else that is illegal.

I would tell them straight up that I am NOT going to feed them, they would need to pay for their own food if they wanted to eat and since both of them are working some, then they can buy their own food. That they would have to pay for their share of the utilities, and that they both have to be working more than 20 hours a week in order to stay.

That way, you are being charitable by letting them come to you, but that if they want to stay, they need to prove it but not partying, not doing drugs, not smoking, not drinking and not doing anything illegal.

That way, it's up to them. If they mess up, it's not on you, they can't blame you and you have no reason to blame yourself.

That's just what I would do...

this is basically what came into my head when i read the OP, but i think thats something to seriously pray about before even suggesting to your sisters. Like you said, you've got your son to think about and Ink did bring up some valid points to consider where your and his safety is concerned.

i know this isn't an easy situation for anyone, so i'm praying for your wisdom and discernment to do the right thing

 

[CrusaderKing]

I definitely think you should NOT, under any circumstances, take them into your home, not even temporarily (which always turns into permanently), for Luke's safety if nothing else. Your son does not need to witness his aunts being drunk or high or anything of the sort. And when someone's on drugs, the drug dealers know where they live, and if money doesn't get paid, they will come looking for it at your home. You don't want that.

I agree 100% with this. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. If they still don't learn, they never would have learned.

 

[hikingchick77]

I'll pray for you...it really seems in this case you are darned if you do, and darned if you don't!!!

 

[smacarena]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm wondering what I would do if I were in your shoes, too. I'm wondering if you can't mediate between your mom and your sisters. For instance, would she be willing to bend if your sisters agree to 1.) get clean and 2.) go to college or something to better themselves? Maybe let them stay out in the world just long enough to scare them straight, and maybe they'd be more receptive to some type of intervention program.