What do I do when my wife says she hates me?

[Hosannainthehighest]

Good advice, thank you. Easier said than done though. because something is hard to do, does not mean it goes in the too hard basket. it may take a big step for the sake of your marriage. do YOU want your marriage?




I think she would like to be the victim. To have me leave so she could tell her friends that I was the one with all the problems.

how do you know that is what she wants? have you asked her that? it's so easy to make a scenario in our heads about what we think the other person's intention is without seeking to understand.

 

[devonian]

Good advice, thank you. Easier said than done though.

because something is hard to do, does not mean it goes in the too hard basket. it may take a big step for the sake of your marriage. do YOU want your marriage?

I didn't say I put it in the too hard basket.
I want to fulfill my part of the marriage; to love my wife.

I think she would like to be the victim. To have me leave so she could tell her friends that I was the one with all the problems.

how do you know that is what she wants? have you asked her that? it's so easy to make a scenario in our heads about what we think the other person's intention is without seeking to understand.

I think it is unfair for you to assume that I am not seeking to understand. If you read the previous posts, she tells me what she wants, then when I try to do it, she tells me I did it wrong. I am constantly trying to understand what she wants. And yes, I do ask her.

Did I ask her if she would like to be the victim. No. Did I get it wrong? Possibly, but it is not because I am not seeking to understand.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

assuming something negative about her just doesnt come across as helping your cause that's all

 

[McScribe]

I think what Hosanna is trying to ask is what you specifically KNOW about your wife's intentions and desires. It comes across that you are not sure. Is that true? Maybe if you don't understand what your wife is saying you might want to tell her "I really want to understand you" and ask her what she thinks she needs from you.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

thanks

 

[LJSGM]

Were you an alcoholic before or after you married? What was the reason for your problem? Did she ever treat you this way before you recovered or before you turned to alcoholism?

 

[devonian]

Were you an alcoholic before or after you married? What was the reason for your problem? Did she ever treat you this way before you recovered or before you turned to alcoholism?

Before we were married, I told her that I had a problem with alcohol and that I thought I had to quit drinking altogether. She said she didn't think I had to do that, I just had to stop after having two drinks. That was over 20 years ago, and at the time my drinking was limited to weekends. I didn't classify myself as an alcoholic at that time, but I knew I was different than my friends. I could not stop after two drinks. About 2 years after we married, I was able to quit, without recovery, for about a year. Then one day, she suggested that I had gotten over my drinking problem, and she thought I could handle stopping at one drink. I knew better, but tried it, and once I had my first drink, I couldn't stop drinking until I got drunk. And then couldn't go back to not taking the first drink.

We have had marital problems almost right from the start. The problems are more severe now than they ever have been, but they were also very severe for the 3-5 years before I recovered. The nature of her attacks on me are much more aggressive since recovery though.

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking when you ask "what was the reason for the problem?" Are you referring to my alcoholism or the marriage? If you are referring to alcoholism, I think it is too complex of an issue to handle in this thread, but I'll try to give a brief explanation as I understand it. Alcoholism is a combination of a genetic predisposition that makes it virtually impossible for the alcoholic to stop once they start, and an obsession to take the first drink. The genetic disposition is no different than a disease, but the obsession to take the first drink is a combination of many things. I could blame the obsession on these things, but the bottom line is that I was not putting God in charge of ALL my life. Even though I was a Christian for virtually all of my life, I did not turn all of my will and life over to him. I still don't, but I have a completely different outlook on life, and handle things completely different than I did before I recovered.

 

[devonian]

thanks

I may have responded harsly to your comments. I was wrong for doing so.

This is all just very frustrating to me, and I really do try to understand and react in the most loving way I can. I do fail, sometimes miserably, but I do try.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

I may have responded harsly to your comments. I was wrong for doing so.thankyou, you weren't so much harsh, as defensive, and if that is a common response from you, and your wife wanted to be close to you, defensiveness or assumptions would get in the way of that closeness with her.

This is all just very frustrating to me, and I really do try to understand and react in the most loving way I can. I do fail, sometimes miserably, but I do try.

the best way to understand someone is to ask them what they mean, or clarify what you think they mean with them and ask if you've got it right..she may be expressing a feeling, but it's jumbled up in alot of words like "if you would just..." or something like that. it's actually probably a feeling that she's seeking from you, but without the ability or courage or space to express that feeling it comes out like a demand on your to perform in a certain way.

 

[LJSGM]

Before we were married, I told her that I had a problem with alcohol and that I thought I had to quit drinking altogether. She said she didn't think I had to do that, I just had to stop after having two drinks. That was over 20 years ago, and at the time my drinking was limited to weekends. I didn't classify myself as an alcoholic at that time, but I knew I was different than my friends. I could not stop after two drinks. About 2 years after we married, I was able to quit, without recovery, for about a year. Then one day, she suggested that I had gotten over my drinking problem, and she thought I could handle stopping at one drink. I knew better, but tried it, and once I had my first drink, I couldn't stop drinking until I got drunk. And then couldn't go back to not taking the first drink.

We have had marital problems almost right from the start. The problems are more severe now than they ever have been, but they were also very severe for the 3-5 years before I recovered. The nature of her attacks on me are much more aggressive since recovery though.

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking when you ask "what was the reason for the problem?" Are you referring to my alcoholism or the marriage? If you are referring to alcoholism, I think it is too complex of an issue to handle in this thread, but I'll try to give a brief explanation as I understand it. Alcoholism is a combination of a genetic predisposition that makes it virtually impossible for the alcoholic to stop once they start, and an obsession to take the first drink. The genetic disposition is no different than a disease, but the obsession to take the first drink is a combination of many things. I could blame the obsession on these things, but the bottom line is that I was not putting God in charge of ALL my life. Even though I was a Christian for virtually all of my life, I did not turn all of my will and life over to him. I still don't, but I have a completely different outlook on life, and handle things completely different than I did before I recovered.

Well, it appears to me that she has been abusing you from the start, and your problem with alcohol isn't the reason for it, nor should you or her justify her behavior because of it. It seems like your problem was just a justification for her to treat you even worst then she did before.

It's NOT acceptable or justifable and you need to set boundaries now. You are enabling her behavior and your children will suffer along with you in the end if you don't stop it now. If she refuses to get help or to stop then you should think about seperation. It is sad that Christians teach that we must allow ourselves to be abused or we are sinning if we seperate ourselves from our abusers. God said to women in the old testament who were married as slaves that if your husband doesn't feed you, you can leave him! There are consequences to our actions even if your are married! If a man tries to rape your wife, are you allowed to stop them even if it means force even though Jesus says "turn the other cheek"? Yes! Should a man go to prison if he commits a crime? Yes! If your spouse abuses you, are you allowed to leave them? YES and YES! Sometimes there are situations where the holy spirit will tell you to forgo those rights (except the rape one of course). It all depends on what the holy spirit is telling you, because if you're staying just because of some law that you have made for yourself, then you are causing the situation to get even worse by enabling her bad behavior and your children and you will suffer, but if the holy spirit thinks that she can change and the Holy Spirit tells you to do something to help her, then stay and do what you're told. That's my best advice.

 

[savagecinemainc]

Well, im new to this forum and have read over your problem. Im not recovering from any alchol or drugs but i am experiancing the exact same issues. Someone on here said maybe you were being used as a scapegoat for there own failures and i believe my situation is the same...I mean everything that happens in this household gets blamed on me or i am the fault. Its actually quite sad...There is a 6 years difference in our age and as we know the younger generation just doesnt care too much about anything but money. Ive also done everything she asks me and then im told its not enough and so on....

Ive been told constantly that ive ruined her life and crushed her dreams, which honestly im the only person in her life that backs her for anything..Im wondering when someone says things like that constantly do you just let it toll off or do you leave? Our relationship has lasted 6 yrs and 2 of them have been not good but not bad....its mainly been these last couple months...ive been told the above...ive been told to die...etc...

Im seriously in love with this person but how do you find the strength to walk away from it all...or do i endure it?

 

[The Lonely Stonar]

Find the strength to pack up and move on. She has checked out, and you should too. It flies in the face of being a man for certain, but the alternative is worse. Much worse. I know because I am living it. Never lose your own identity in ANY relationship. Do not come to define yourself by the present status of the relationship between you and your wife/girlfriend. For many reasons.

1) It will be too hard for you to separate yourself from her in the likely event she starts to wander off in search of her "space". Or her "freedom". She soon will need "room to think" and to "sort things through" (although they never really actually think very much at all. Women are highly reactionary, as opposed to being thinkers. More importantly, they failize to acknowledge that they did not need any room to do all of the stuff that they now need room to organize, but I digress).

2) Women don't like clingy men. One she conquers you, she begins to look for a nice way to rid herself of your no longer neccessary presence. And if you cant eat/sleep/function without her, you have been conquered.

As men, we too often assume our women are "good" women, and won't do or day things that are harmful to themselves (and vicariously, to us). But this is quite the egregious error. The main reason is we think she is our "good little girl". Laughable. Truly. No one can say where this MYTH began, buy most men blindly believe it, much to their EVENTUAL dismay.

By the time she is ready to dump your carcass, you will be foolishly trying to "win" her back. But you are a day late and a dollar short. The last thing she wants is to be close to you now. For one, she knows in her head that she has done you "wrong". Kind of hard to give & receive love in that warped mental state that she currently resides in. Secondly, your presence (and being in it) is nothing but a reminder of why (in her mind of course) as to what her problems are in the first place. Because in her twisted little head, YOU are her problem. You caused her to stray. YOU caused her to not get that degree. You kept her from getting that promotion. YOU kept her from meeting "Mr. Right". In short, YOU are the cause for all of her shortcomings. And the real travesty/tragedy is that nearly everywhere she turns for help will 'confirm' for her that you indeed are the culprit.

A key to manhood is understanding where your womans mindframe is at any given time. A disconnect between the two of you, no matter how minute, is a death sentence for your marriage. Period. If you claim to be, and stay married, then your FIRST & FOREMOST job is to have a mental gymnastic match with your wife everyday. Because she is having one with her friends, family, co-workers and church members every dang day. And if you get too far behind, you can not recover.

Just because you were married does not mean the heavy lifting is over. Frankly, and to the contrary, it has merely begun. Relationships are like orchards, and unlike gardens. Gardens are planted, tended, harvested and enjoyed all in one season. Marriages are not. A relationship is more like a Peach Farm. Eight to 12 years of supreme dedication is warranted before you see any profit or reward. You have to be willing & able to provide all needed nourishment consistently, and without fail, until it is time to reap the benefits of all the effort it took to enjoy a sweet Georgia peach. If you don't know of this before you start a marriage, you have a high likelyhood of joining the ranks of the many who tried, yet failed. It is one of life's inescapable truths.

Never lose touch with who you are as man, and as a person. This is the identity that you will use to fall back on once your wife turns traitor on you. How well you have developed this "persona" will determine how well you survive the transition from being loved to being loathed, which is never easy. Never.

Trust me, I learned the hard way, from experience.

 

[Hetta]

There is a 6 years difference in our age and as we know the younger generation just doesnt care too much about anything but money

Six years does not a different generation make. Just fyi.

 

[The Lonely Stonar]

Six years age difference is large enough that there could be an even wider gap in their mentalities. Which is far more important than a mere age discrepancy.

 

[Hetta]

Six years age difference is large enough that there could be an even wider gap in their mentalities. Which is far more important than a mere age discrepancy.

Six years is not a generation gap by anyone's reckoning. You do know what a generation gap is, don't you? There is a generation gap between me and my kids. There is not a generation gap between me and my sister who is 5 years older.

 

[The Lonely Stonar]

Glittering technicalities, if you ask me. I know what he meant.

 

[Hetta]

LOL. I have no idea what a "glittering" technicality is. It's a reality that six years isn't a generation gap, but whatever.

 

[BigDaddy4]

LOL. I have no idea what a "glittering" technicality is. It's a reality that six years isn't a generation gap, but whatever.

If 6 years is a generational gap, then I'm in trouble. My wife is 7 years younger!

 

[Hetta]

If 6 years is a generational gap, then I'm in trouble. My wife is 7 years younger!

Cradle robber!

 

[The Lonely Stonar]

Of course six years is not a generational gap. I never said it was (reading comprehension).

It is a reality that having a wife six years younger than you are can lead to problems. Not neccesarily @ 54-48, but @ 30-24 it could pose a certain set of problems. My wife being six years younger than me caused issues. Calling it a generational gap is a stretch, but there is clearly an age & likely a philosophical difference in a woman six years your younger. And you are likely to be intelligent enough to understand that. You have seemingly ignored said intelligence in favor of being the grammar police. Kudos to you.

And glittering technicalities are basically the same as glittering generalities, and your use of the former is as worthless as the employment of the latter.

Ok? Thanks. Bye.