Those of us who are screw ups, thrown about by the waves of our passions, incorrigible, filled with bitterness and even hate; what is to come of us? We who may have an interest in spiritual things, aware of a transcending reality and goodness, but not only fail to reach it, but fail to even try. Are we doomed to whatever hell your various faiths have? Is God, Brahma, Allah, Amida going to save us anyway? Or is it the pit for us?
We of the Bad want to know.
There's this well known quote of sorts attributed to Anne Dillard. It goes like this:
Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?'
Priest: 'No, not if you did not know you would not go to hell.'
Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me?'
I think how people see themselves is what they think they are because of the choices they've made. And sometimes people who have made bad choices, really bad choices, end up finding a god that they believe loves them as that bad choice maker.
Some people never find a god and subsequently they see themselves as creator of their life. Because the choices they've made have brought them to that state of mind that lives in the world where their choices put them.
Some people I think create a god in their image and likeness. And some have done that and think those confines can't move a bit. That's who he is and it is up to you to fit in the lines and make a universal infinite power happy with your behaviors. Or else he'll destroy you for eternity. Because he can. Because that's his right as your creator.
I've heard a lot of things that people believe about a god. Including why they believe it impossible.
The thing is, if you don't feel it inside as a connection , a relationship, with that which you accept on faith is true you're faking it. And the god you believe in wouldn't be fooled if he possesses the qualities necessary to qualify for the title of, god.
The delusion for some is belief in god. The delusion for that type believer is that their god of choice needs their faith so as to be assured 'he' is god. And is even satisfied in that by the fakers.
Everyone is born atheist. It's simply true. No matter how many you've met who say, I was born Catholic. Or Baptist. Or whatever else.
We're all born pure as the driven snow and innocent and open as the whole outdoors on a spring day. If you want to find God spend time with a newborn. Their eyes shine like the Heaven promised in books. Their smile is infectious and their joy wipes every dark thing you yourself think you've done right off the record. Returning to that visual of your own life back when you were that small. That open. That innocent. And that happy to be alive without knowing what that means.
You don't have to find something to believe in in order to believe you're worth more than the things you've done in your past.
You have to just forgive yourself. Realize you're the only one like you that will ever walk this earth. Unique. Flawed. Resilient because you're still here. And destined to live one more day. Which you'll know is true if you wake up tomorrow.
And that means you have one more chance to explore who you are. What you like about you. What you don't. And if you make a list like that realize that all that is who you are head to toe. But it doesn't mean its worthless or stained because of the one column side of things about you is longer than the other side that is more likable on average. It's part of being human.
As for the Christian faith there is a lot of by-the-bookers that can turn a persons head the other way when considering entering into the fold.
There's too the old sheep thing that attaches to believers, sheep of Christ. The Lord is my shepherd, like that. That makes some think it isn't for them because quite frankly sheep are dumb. If not for a shepherd they'd perish right quick. So the implication of being called a sheep in light of that can be off putting.
And the whole love your enemy thing does take a bit of work. But if you think about it you could arrive at the conclusion that just as it was a Patriarchy rule during Jesus time and certain practices were in play to color the narrative of a boy's club only, so too would a narrative in Roman ruled world of men in counsel deciding what constituted a Bible canon over huge long periods of years and to Rome's benefit could be why they thought to tell believers in the book to love that enemy. To obey their masters. To obey the Emperor. And to not fight back.
Christianity at one time was a faith that was impossible to hold if you were a thinker. Intelligent people just can't buy that stuff, as it were. Or maybe that was just me awhile ago. Then I started to look beyond the words on the page. To the metaphor that's there. The parables Jesus said he always spoke in so as to send a message not meant for everyone to understand.
In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God. And the Word was God.
God is a spirit. He'd have to be wouldn't he? When humans put a face on a spirit they tend to use their own identity for all that it takes to flesh it out. We're like that. Materialists. We have to feel like we control our reality no matter what it is. Even things like eternal spirits that created things not even Hubble has found yet. And still sits in that Heaven concerned with how we behave on this third rock from the sun.
The way I see your quandary is, when there is only
the Word that is
a Spirit and that even that is impossible for human intellect to fully comprehend, and that Spirit is credited with creating you and knowing you before you entered your mothers womb, as the scriptures tell us about him, then if he is also a God of love as they say, he loves you.
And he always has. Because he knew you before. Before birth. Before all those things you've done. Before that personality you say you have. He knew. And he loves you.
Maybe the trick to "getting it right with God" is to love yourself first. And then you will know he can love you too.
No one comes to God but through God. Jesus was God.
God is a spirit that in the beginning was the Word.
Make peace with yourself. Open and let go. Release and find yourself beyond what you don't like. And don't think can ever change. Because it can. As long as you are breathing you can re-form your life. You just have to make peace with what's been lived already.
Find yourself. And then you'll find God.
Jesus told us that we look for him in books, but we don't believe when he's standing right there in the flesh giving us the Word.
You're made in the image and likeness of an eternal power. Love you.
Everything else will work itself out.
Saw a tee shirt once. Bought it. Now it's old ripped and still hanging in my closet. I love that shirt. It has a wisdom on the front of it that I read when I get to a place where I wonder about things.
"You're not those things you've done. Rather, you're the living wisdom of all that you've survived."
And God has always known you.