Well this sucks

[Citanul]

This isn't the sort of thing I would have thought that I'd normally share, but I do feel that I've got to let it out somehow, even if it is to a bunch of anonymous strangers on an internet forum.

First a little bit of backround - I signed up for OkCupid at the end of last year, which was the first time I'd ever tried online dating. I had what you could term as a little bit of success as it did lead to a few dates, but ultimately nothing substantialyand I was starting to get a bit despondent about the whole thing.

But then I got an email notification that someone who was a good match had liked my profile (which seems to happen sometimes even though I'm still a free member). I took a look at her profile, saw we had a couple of things in common and sent her a message.

I got a reply from her, and we seemed to hit it off quite quickly. After about a week of chatting, I asked her if she'd be interested in meeting, which she was, and by Friday evening we'd arranged to meet this coming Wednesday.

I was quite nervous about it, as she's a better match than any of the other women I'd met through the site (not that they were bad matches as I wouldn't have gone out with them at all if they had been) - we both have technical jobs and are somewhat geeky, even if it is about different things, and our values all seemed aligned, so on the face of it she was pretty close to what I'd consider my ideal. So despite all my nervousness, I was really looking forward to meeting her.

Then I get a message from her this evening (Sunday), saying that she'd met someone and would like to pursue that avenue and as a result didn't think it would be fair to meet me.

In terms of emotional impact, this has hit me really hard. It's not the worst news I've ever received as I have had family members who have passed away, but they all were old and had been sick, so their deaths weren't unexpected. This on the other hand has come completely out of the blue, which is probably why it feels so much worse.

I will admit to maybe getting a little ahead of myself regarding her. There's obviously no guarantee that our first date would have worked out and things could have ended then, but I had already been thinking of what we might do for a second or third date. So that's probably also made it worse than it might have been.

I do appreciate her being honest and upfront with me about this, and even told her so in my reply, but that doesn't soften the blow in any way. Rationally, I know that it's a little ridiculous to be so upset over someone whom I've known for less than two weeks and it's all been online, but rationality has gone right out the window for now.

 

[sundewgrower]

You got a good answer from her since it was quick, and honest. But I see she is quick to drop things, and move on which might not be good.. Recently I had a girl who I emailed with for a month straight since it seemed like we had a lot of common interests, and beliefs. We spoke on the phone once after a month, and it went okay but not 100%. We were supposed to talk on labor day, or two days later. She blew me off for a few days, I texted, and she made up some lame excuses. Then I find her new profile online under a new user name, remember all the personal questions she asked me, and how she acted. Total waste of time, I had a stupid hope, and it just put me down lower when I was low enough.
It really put me into a swirl (I think after two weeks it'll melt away) since it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It just made me agitated, a little frustrated, and kind of like I wanted to throw something even a few days later. That's somebody who never has a temper, and is beyond patient.
That drove me to go online, and now I've met a really cool women that can only be a friend due to her studies, and life. So we are sending some emails back and forth. I'm thankful for them, and hope she will be around for a while since I sense both of us need a friend.

I know what you mean by this. You have some hope, think they'll give you a shot, and then they drift off.
My father mentioned the frustrating ones are the people who don't know what they want. They're the ones who keep looking for the better deal, are uncertain of what they're after, or haven't looked into the mirror recently to see their own inherent flaws which everyone has.

 

[blackribbon]

What got bashed is your "hope for a potential relationship". It is important that we learn not to get too far ahead of ourselves when dating or we put heavy expectations on a relationship that hasn't even hardly started. You haven't even met...so it isn't a reject but rather she picked a different unknown road to travel on.

When we get a job interview, do we assume we already have the job? This is really not that much different except that you may be offered a job at the interview but it takes much longer to build a relationship.

Honestly, since it sounds like she hasn't met either of you ... she is also putting the cart ahead of the horse. It would have been wiser for her to actually met both of you for several dates before making up her mind to focus on one. You still might get contacted back if this doesn't work out...and really, most dates don't turn into anything long term.

 

[blackribbon]

And sorry that you feel so bad...sometimes our emotions don't follow our rational minds.

 

[Citanul]

What got bashed is your "hope for a potential relationship". It is important that we learn not to get too far ahead of ourselves when dating or we put heavy expectations on a relationship that hasn't even hardly started.

It was more of a "what if" scenario (i.e. what if things do work out? Let me at least have an idea as to what to do next), and I don't think it's unreasonable to think that way. But I was fully aware that I was in danger of getting ahead of myself a little and wasn't treating it as any sort of certainty. Although even knowing that it might not have worked out anyway doesn't seem to have made it easier to deal with things.

Honestly, since it sounds like she hasn't met either of you ... she is also putting the cart ahead of the horse. It would have been wiser for her to actually met both of you for several dates before making up her mind to focus on one.

She did specifically say "met someone" rather than "met someone else", which makes me inclined to think that she'd met him in person. I can definitely see how it's possible that she met him and they hit it off and she was forced to choose between him and some random stranger on a dating site who might seem like a great guy (at least I hope I do ) but doesn't know much about and with whom she's far less certain that anything could happen. Some people just aren't all that comfortable with dating multiple people at the same time (I happen to be one of them), so she's perfectly entitled to make that decision despite its effect on me.

You still might get contacted back if this doesn't work out...

As I said, I did send a reply thanking her for being honest, in which I also stated that I didn't hold it against her and while I didn't wish her any bad luck that I'd still be willing to give it a try if things didn't work out. That seems to me to be the mature response, even if I didn't really feel like writing it at the time.

So for now I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt (as I do like to believe the best in people) and assuming that the scenario is something like what I've described above. Which means that I haven't asked for details, not that I think I'm entitled to them given that we had no real relationship to speak of, but if she ever did recontact me then knowing exactly what happened would be a condition I'd require before picking up from where we left off.

But the one thing I'm not going to do is just sit around hoping that she'll contact me again. She may have satisfied most of the things I'm looking for in a potential partner, but she's far from being the only one out there, so I just need to keep believing that I will find one of the others.

 

[quietpraiyze]

This isn't the sort of thing I would have thought that I'd normally share, but I do feel that I've got to let it out somehow, even if it is to a bunch of anonymous strangers on an internet forum.

First a little bit of backround - I signed up for OkCupid at the end of last year, which was the first time I'd ever tried online dating. I had what you could term as a little bit of success as it did lead to a few dates, but ultimately nothing substantialyand I was starting to get a bit despondent about the whole thing.

But then I got an email notification that someone who was a good match had liked my profile (which seems to happen sometimes even though I'm still a free member). I took a look at her profile, saw we had a couple of things in common and sent her a message.

I got a reply from her, and we seemed to hit it off quite quickly. After about a week of chatting, I asked her if she'd be interested in meeting, which she was, and by Friday evening we'd arranged to meet this coming Wednesday.

I was quite nervous about it, as she's a better match than any of the other women I'd met through the site (not that they were bad matches as I wouldn't have gone out with them at all if they had been) - we both have technical jobs and are somewhat geeky, even if it is about different things, and our values all seemed aligned, so on the face of it she was pretty close to what I'd consider my ideal. So despite all my nervousness, I was really looking forward to meeting her.

Then I get a message from her this evening (Sunday), saying that she'd met someone and would like to pursue that avenue and as a result didn't think it would be fair to meet me.

In terms of emotional impact, this has hit me really hard. It's not the worst news I've ever received as I have had family members who have passed away, but they all were old and had been sick, so their deaths weren't unexpected. This on the other hand has come completely out of the blue, which is probably why it feels so much worse.

I will admit to maybe getting a little ahead of myself regarding her. There's obviously no guarantee that our first date would have worked out and things could have ended then, but I had already been thinking of what we might do for a second or third date. So that's probably also made it worse than it might have been.

I do appreciate her being honest and upfront with me about this, and even told her so in my reply, but that doesn't soften the blow in any way. Rationally, I know that it's a little ridiculous to be so upset over someone whom I've known for less than two weeks and it's all been online, but rationality has gone right out the window for now.

Sorry to hear that happened but I think if you're gonna be out there in the dating arena you have to put on your Teflon coated armor and guard your heart until you don't have to anymore. If you know what I mean. All you can do now is prep for the next time and there will be a next time... Stay encouraged...

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I really have no advice to give here. Just want to say that I'm sorry you've experienced this and that it's got you down. Your reaction is understandable and quite normal. I will say that, I'm glad this woman was honest with you and let you know that she was calling off the date, however...it was wrong and totally unfair for her to call of the date with you in the first place so that she could go on a date with someone else instead. She made the date with you first and should have, in all fairness and politeness, seen that date through. ...I don't know, maybe I live by some unspoken 'code' or something, but I personally wouldn't cancel on a guy in favor of going on a date with someone else who 'seems more promising'. What a crummy thing to do.

 

[Messy]

I really have no advice to give here. Just want to say that I'm sorry you've experienced this and that it's got you down. Your reaction is understandable and quite normal. I will say that, I'm glad this woman was honest with you and let you know that she was calling off the date, however...it was wrong and totally unfair for her to call of the date with you in the first place so that she could go on a date with someone else instead. She made the date with you first and should have, in all fairness and politeness, seen that date through. ...I don't know, maybe I live by some unspoken 'code' or something, but I personally wouldn't cancel on a guy in favor of going on a date with someone else who 'seems more promising'. What a crummy thing to do.

Yes that's weird. I couldn't even do that if I wanted to because I can only focus at one at a time, even if I don't know 'em. I get a message from person 1. He's interested. We talk. He's not interested anymore. I can read what the next person has to say.
A collegue did that, he spoke with 4 or 5 girls at the same time from a dating site and then picked one he liked best.

 

[blackribbon]

A collegue did that, he spoke with 4 or 5 girls at the same time from a dating site and then picked one he liked best.

To me, this sound normal and healthy. Dating isn't about who shows up first or what is "fair" but rather who is the better match. I think it is probably dangerous to focus on only one before you even meet them...it would help keep things balanced (stop that all or nothing) and not risk your heart on a bad match as much.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

Nobody is saying she was in the wrong for branching out a bit and adding another dude to her list of potentials. But the point is, if you actually set a date with someone, then you follow through. You don't just cancel on the person because 'yeeeaahhh, I found someone who seems better, so I'm cancelling our date'. I'm sorry, but that's rude.

I guess my perception of decency and common courtesy is different. lol

 

[Citanul]

Nobody is saying she was in the wrong for branching out a bit and adding another dude to her list of potentials. But the point is, if you actually set a date with someone, then you follow through. You don't just cancel on the person because 'yeeeaahhh, I found someone who seems better, so I'm cancelling our date'. I'm sorry, but that's rude.

But on the other hand, is it any better going on a date knowing in advance you're not going to take things further with that person? To me that could be viewed as leading them on and creating false hope.

And what if we'd gone on the date and she'd liked me? After all, our online interaction had suggested that was a real possibility. Then she'd have to choose between the two of us, which would have been all the more difficult having met both of us in person (assuming that was in fact how it happened), and it's not unreasonable for her to want to avoid that situation.

Also, putting myself in the shoes of the other guy for a moment, what if I'd met someone and we'd hit it off, only to discover that she's going on a date with someone else claiming that she felt obliged to because it had already been set? I'm not really sure how I'd react to that, but it could raise doubts as to how serious she was about me.

I have absolutely no information to go on here, so it is pure speculation that she's met someone in person, possibly even someone she had a prior connection with (not necessarily an ex, but maybe someone for whom the timing hadn't been right previously), but that's the scenario that makes the most sense to me. Or at least it's the one I want to believe as not only does it put her in the best possible light, and I think it's healthier for me to believe that of her than to start throwing around insults, but it also kind of gives me a boost as it suggests that she was attracted to me, thereby proving that a woman who likes me isn't some sort of mythical creature, and it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to this outcome.

 

[sundewgrower]

To me, this sound normal and healthy. Dating isn't about who shows up first or what is "fair" but rather who is the better match. I think it is probably dangerous to focus on only one before you even meet them...it would help keep things balanced (stop that all or nothing) and not risk your heart on a bad match as much.

I'm at that place where I can't commit since I need more options and people to talk to. So I'd think for a few months feeling out your options isn't a bad deal, or at least a few first dates unless you know THAT'S the one.

Nobody is saying she was in the wrong for branching out a bit and adding another dude to her list of potentials. But the point is, if you actually set a date with someone, then you follow through. You don't just cancel on the person because 'yeeeaahhh, I found someone who seems better, so I'm cancelling our date'. I'm sorry, but that's rude.

I guess my perception of decency and common courtesy is different. lol

Hahaah! Yeah I'd go out, and still see what happens then mull it over.

 

[GQ Chris]

I think she did the right thing, even if it was cancelling the date because she saw someone she was more interested in. At least she didn't string the OP along or worse yet just never tell him anything and just ignore him.

 

[GQ Chris]

You have to resist the urge to get more emotionally invested when things are still in the early stages. You really don't know much about the other person.

 

[TonyLee]

After reading various threads over time about relationships, it seems that it would be easier to be enrolled in a full-time program to earn a doctorate in physics while working two full-time jobs (unrelated to the degree) and discovering a way to stop all wars in the middle east than to figure out how to get a relationship going.

 

[William67]

Nobody is saying she was in the wrong for branching out a bit and adding another dude to her list of potentials. But the point is, if you actually set a date with someone, then you follow through. You don't just cancel on the person because 'yeeeaahhh, I found someone who seems better, so I'm cancelling our date'. I'm sorry, but that's rude.

I guess my perception of decency and common courtesy is different. lol

I have to agree with Spaulding on this. If you make an arrangement, then you follow through. Not only is it rude and offensive to cancel like that, but you will never know if the person with whom you've just cancelled may have been perfect for you.

To the OP, be glad she cancelled. She sounds kind of flaky to me.

 

[redblue22]

That does suck. What really sucks is that you don't have a dozen more dates set up that would quickly dispell all thoughts of her.

 

[sundewgrower]

That's what really got me with that girl I was emailing for a month.
We spoke on the phone, and she said she'd call me on Monday.
I'd rather have gotten a text, and no call then leaving me hanging.
Crazy how somebody will toss a lot of time away if it's not exactly what they thought.

 

[sundewgrower]

After reading various threads over time about relationships, it seems that it would be easier to be enrolled in a full-time program to earn a doctorate in physics while working two full-time jobs (unrelated to the degree) and discovering a way to stop all wars in the middle east than to figure out how to get a relationship going.

Nah. The "right" relationship is the key.

 

[blackribbon]

When did a first meeting with a basic stranger for a potential dating relationship become an obligation of politeness? Is it better to meet when you have no desire to date for whatever reason? She didn't stand him up. She cancelled. With lots of notice and honesty.

And it is less rude to meet when you know you aren't going out again? What if she found out she was being transferred to Europe? Should she have gone and met him knowing that she had no intention of having any form of relationship. That is what sounds rude to me...wasting his time and possibly his money (assuming he is paying for this first date)....and then going "oops, I should have told you I have someone else I am more interested in at this moment in my life so this is date is all a ruse so have a nice life."