Well this sucks

[redblue22]

I get no sense of blame here. The situation simply sucks. I meet girls who later decide against; emotionally it sucks. I've done the same thing, but I must admit I regret leaving some. I wouldn't say the girl did anything wrong. But if my brother and sister did not come in circle to comfort, I might wonder. Must everything be reduced to morality? Am I a rock with no feelings?

.

 

[blackribbon]

That's what really got me with that girl I was emailing for a month.
We spoke on the phone, and she said she'd call me on Monday.
I'd rather have gotten a text, and no call then leaving me hanging.
Crazy how somebody will toss a lot of time away if it's not exactly what they thought.

If I talk to someone via email or text, I am obligated and you consider that time wasted? A month really isn't very long either since I hope you were still getting up and going to school and living your life in that month.

(Crap...to say "hi" to a guy or respond to his texts or emails means I am OBLIGATED to date him or be considered rude?...heck, one more reason to not do online dating. The one day I tried it, I received a "hi" from across the country...that date would have been an expensive obligation. The other was sexually creepy...another potential date from hell. How many times talking to a person obligates you to a date? One step further...how much time invested in a person obligates you to marry them since to break up with a decent guy if they fall in love with you but you just aren't feeling it? Is saying "no" to a proposal also "rude". )

I actually broke off an engagement at one point 9 months into the engagement because I realized that within our marriage, his mother would have a vote on every important decision (she interfered with every single decision we made and he let her). I guess that was the ultimate rude thing to do and I should have just married him because I had already agreed to marry him.)

 

[blackribbon]

However, I don't discredit the OP for feeling disappointed. We are allowed to feel what we feel. That is how emotions work.

 

[William67]

When did a first meeting with a basic stranger for a potential dating relationship become an obligation of politeness? Is it better to meet when you have no desire to date for whatever reason? She didn't stand him up. She cancelled. With lots of notice and honesty.

And it is less rude to meet when you know you aren't going out again? What if she found out she was being transferred to Europe? Should she have gone and met him knowing that she had no intention of having any form of relationship. That is what sounds rude to me...wasting his time and possibly his money (assuming he is paying for this first date)....and then going "oops, I should have told you I have someone else I am more interested in at this moment in my life so this is date is all a ruse so have a nice life."

Ok let me see if I can explain. I work pretty much all the time. Even now, I am working while posting. So, if I make a date with someone, I have to move a lot of things around to make time for the date. So, lets say I am in the OP's "shoes". Ive made a date with someone, rescheduled everything, made reservations, etc. Then, just a few days before the date, she calls and says she has met someone and cancels the date.

Now, the term "I have met someone" implies a recent event. Did she meet someone and is suddenly engaged? (If it does, it means she really is a flake). Why would meeting someone automatically mean she must cancel our date? Cancelling, when you don't know the trouble the person has gone through to arrange the date really is rude. It is insulting when someone automatically assumes that the person she just met is somehow better than you, without having gotten to know you.

Ive gone through something similar to what happened to the OP. Only, I had already met the woman, just not on a date. We had met at church, became, well, I wouldn't call it friends. Acquaintances. I asked her out and four hours before the date she calls and tells me that she had met "the perfect guy" the night before at a friends party. I'm insulted, but whatever. Anyway, two years later she comes back to church...with a toddler in tow. Seems her "perfect guy" ran off 3 months after the baby was born.

 

[blackribbon]

Ok let me see if I can explain. I work pretty much all the time. Even now, I am working while posting. So, if I make a date with someone, I have to move a lot of things around to make time for the date. So, lets say I am in the OP's "shoes". Ive made a date with someone, rescheduled everything, made reservations, etc. Then, just a few days before the date, she calls and says she has met someone and cancels the date.

Now, the term "I have met someone" implies a recent event. Did she meet someone and is suddenly engaged? (If it does, it means she really is a flake). Why would meeting someone automatically mean she must cancel our date? Cancelling, when you don't know the trouble the person has gone through to arrange the date really is rude. It is insulting when someone automatically assumes that the person she just met is somehow better than you, without having gotten to know you.

Ive gone through something similar to what happened to the OP. Only, I had already met the woman, just not on a date. We had met at church, became, well, I wouldn't call it friends. Acquaintances. I asked her out and four hours before the date she calls and tells me that she had met "the perfect guy" the night before at a friends party. I'm insulted, but whatever. Anyway, two years later she comes back to church...with a toddler in tow. Seems her "perfect guy" ran off 3 months after the baby was born.

You would have rathered spend your money and time on this person if she knew she wasn't going to pursue a relationship?For what purpose? I do believe that the 4 hour cancellation was on the rude side...but it would have been ruder to actually have gone on a date with you when she had mentally committed to another man (it kind of sounds like she shouldn't have made the date). Most people don't reschedule their lives to go on a date unless they are hiring a babysitter, so you are unique if this is actually the case...and honestly, how much work does it take to make a reservation?...that is a single phone call. What else are you doing in preparation for a date? Maybe ironing some clothes?

You probably were still able to work that night if you do that much work from home so the evening didn't have to be a complete loss.

 

[redblue22]

Regardless of what one says, it is completely within one's right to say that the whole thing is an emotional downer. We should be kind to that.

 

[Citanul]

That is what sounds rude to me...wasting his time and possibly his money (assuming he is paying for this first date)....and then going "oops, I should have told you I have someone else I am more interested in at this moment in my life so this is date is all a ruse so have a nice life."

Exactly. If she'd gone on the date with me then what were her options? Either what you've described or ignoring any communication from me after the date, which is no better. So I do think she took the best way out, and if I were in her situation then I think I would have done the same thing, so it would be hypocritical of me to criticise her.

 

[redblue22]

I would not want to be stuck with another man's kid.

 

[William67]

You would have rathered spend your money and time on this person if she knew she wasn't going to pursue a relationship?For what purpose? I do believe that the 4 hour cancellation was on the rude side...but it would have been ruder to actually have gone on a date with you when she had mentally committed to another man (it kind of sounds like she shouldn't have made the date). Most people don't reschedule their lives to go on a date unless they are hiring a babysitter, so you are unique if this is actually the case...and honestly, how much work does it take to make a reservation?...that is a single phone call. What else are you doing in preparation for a date? Maybe ironing some clothes?

You probably were still able to work that night if you do that much work from home so the evening didn't have to be a complete loss.

This was a number of years ago, long before my current business. We had made the date on Sunday for the following Friday. Friday was the only day I could arrange to be off from my 2nd job. The reservation I made was at a really nice restaurant and I had bought tickets for a show. Because she cancelled at the "last minute", I had to pay a cancellation fee at the restaurant. (They require 24 hours notice so they could rebook the table). $120 for the tickets, $65 for the roses, $50 for the box of imported Swiss chocolates, and I had my tux cleaned. And I lost the income I would have made had I been able to go to work. So the whole evening ended up costing me close to $500. I'm not a cheapskate when it comes to dating. I surprised one lady with a trip to the Speedway where she got to drive a racecar around the track. They used to do that for a fee. Her father and her were really into NASCAR. But he had passed away a few years before that and I thought it would thrill her to be able to do that.

She was mentally committed to a man she met the night before?

And yes, I would have gone out with her. I would rather that someone had the guts to tell me face to face than to cancel with an impersonal phone call.

 

[Citanul]

Ok let me see if I can explain. I work pretty much all the time. Even now, I am working while posting. So, if I make a date with someone, I have to move a lot of things around to make time for the date. So, lets say I am in the OP's "shoes". Ive made a date with someone, rescheduled everything, made reservations, etc. Then, just a few days before the date, she calls and says she has met someone and cancels the date.

In deciding when we should meet, I had indicated that there was just one day that I couldn't make, which did suggest that I wasn't rescheduling much, if anything. And no reservations had been made as it was only drinks in the early evening, although it was at a restaurant so I think there was an unspoken implication that it could have turned into a meal if things went well. But the point is that it was a casual date (which is probably the best idea when meeting for the first time offline), so cancelling doesn't really put me (or her I suppose) out in any real way.

Now, the term "I have met someone" implies a recent event. Did she meet someone and is suddenly engaged? (If it does, it means she really is a flake). Why would meeting someone automatically mean she must cancel our date? Cancelling, when you don't know the trouble the person has gone through to arrange the date really is rude. It is insulting when someone automatically assumes that the person she just met is somehow better than you, without having gotten to know you.

As I said, I have no information other than her message, so I don't know what happened, but I can imagine the scenario of her meeting someone in person who is a good match. Now I could be better than him, but I could also be worse than him. She just doesn't know, so it's perfectly understandable that she went for the known option of him rather than the unknown of me.

 

[William67]

I would not want to be stuck with another man's kid.

I wasn't. When she started acting friendly to me, I put a stop to it.

 

[William67]

In deciding when we should meet, I had indicated that there was just one day that I couldn't make, which did suggest that I wasn't rescheduling much, if anything. And no reservations had been made as it was only drinks in the early evening, although it was at a restaurant so I think there was an unspoken implication that it could have turned into a meal if things went well. But the point is that it was a casual date (which is probably the best idea when meeting for the first time offline), so cancelling doesn't really put me (or her I suppose) out in any real way.



As I said, I have no information other than her message, so I don't know what happened, but I can imagine the scenario of her meeting someone in person who is a good match. Now I could be better than him, but I could also be worse than him. She just doesn't know, so it's perfectly understandable that she went for the known option of him rather than the unknown of me.

Well, to each his own. But I found my experience to have been rude and offensive.

 

[Messy]

After reading various threads over time about relationships, it seems that it would be easier to be enrolled in a full-time program to earn a doctorate in physics while working two full-time jobs (unrelated to the degree) and discovering a way to stop all wars in the middle east than to figure out how to get a relationship going.

 

[sundewgrower]

If I talk to someone via email or text, I am obligated and you consider that time wasted? A month really isn't very long either since I hope you were still getting up and going to school and living your life in that month.

(Crap...to say "hi" to a guy or respond to his texts or emails means I am OBLIGATED to date him or be considered rude?...heck, one more reason to not do online dating. The one day I tried it, I received a "hi" from across the country...that date would have been an expensive obligation. The other was sexually creepy...another potential date from hell. How many times talking to a person obligates you to a date? One step further...how much time invested in a person obligates you to marry them since to break up with a decent guy if they fall in love with you but you just aren't feeling it? Is saying "no" to a proposal also "rude". )

I actually broke off an engagement at one point 9 months into the engagement because I realized that within our marriage, his mother would have a vote on every important decision (she interfered with every single decision we made and he let her). I guess that was the ultimate rude thing to do and I should have just married him because I had already agreed to marry him.)

No. Simply she should have said it wouldn't work, and not have lied to me with a bunch of malarkey along with agreeing to something then blowing me off entirely. I've met teenagers more mature, and intelligent. So perhaps I landed somebody who's just off. When you ask a lot of personal questions, send a lot of messages, etc. It's good form to just say "Hey I think think this is not going to work for me, but I wish you the best" than just do nothing, and make some random thing up.
It irks me since she was very friendly, sharing scriptures, and so forth but then when she saw no interest she didn't really care at all. Either some courtesy message that takes 2 minutes to craft, or something. No replying at all to somebody on an initial message is fine since it wastes less time. Breaking off an engagement makes sense if there's an issue. But a little common courtesy and politeness is appreciated.

That or I'm just too nice. I've kind of concluded I'm too friendly for my own good at times since I picture what I'd do in their case.

 

[Messy]

I wasn't. When she started acting friendly to me, I put a stop to it.

Oh my. Later she did like you?
One guy here said that. He was a single dad. They didn't want him, but then when they had a small kid and got dumped it was: hi!!! and they were interested because his kids were teens now and he could take care of their kids. So he said: bye!

 

[blackribbon]

Personally, I am glad my stepdad didn't feel the same way as many of you men do. Do the innocent kids of this world a favor and don't date women with children....though that sounds like a safe given.

 

[Citanul]

Well, to each his own. But I found my experience to have been rude and offensive.

I would agree with it in your situation. To cancel four hours beforehand is definitely rude, and that's not going into the effort you'd put towards it. Cancelling a casual meetup three days in advance isn't really comparable.

 

[blackribbon]

This was a number of years ago, long before my current business. We had made the date on Sunday for the following Friday. Friday was the only day I could arrange to be off from my 2nd job. The reservation I made was at a really nice restaurant and I had bought tickets for a show. Because she cancelled at the "last minute", I had to pay a cancellation fee at the restaurant. (They require 24 hours notice so they could rebook the table). $120 for the tickets, $65 for the roses, $50 for the box of imported Swiss chocolates, and I had my tux cleaned. And I lost the income I would have made had I been able to go to work. So the whole evening ended up costing me close to $500. I'm not a cheapskate when it comes to dating. I surprised one lady with a trip to the Speedway where she got to drive a racecar around the track. They used to do that for a fee. Her father and her were really into NASCAR. But he had passed away a few years before that and I thought it would thrill her to be able to do that.

She was mentally committed to a man she met the night before?

And yes, I would have gone out with her. I would rather that someone had the guts to tell me face to face than to cancel with an impersonal phone call.

THAT is a first date with you? Too much pressure in my books. How do you know if she likes you or just likes having money spent on her?

Did she know you had bought tickets? As for the restaurant, you could have actually gone an eaten there and saved the cancellation fee. I assume you did eat dinner that night. Did you go to the show? ... as for the tux, it was cleaned for the next time you needed it ... so no loss there. I do believe that a four hour cancellation that wasn't about sickness was rude but it doesn't sound like you really missed out on anything. If she was the potential love of your life, then you would have still been interested in her when she walked back into your life...child or no child.

 

[Citanul]

That does suck. What really sucks is that you don't have a dozen more dates set up that would quickly dispell all thoughts of her.

If only...

I'm actually in a strange place right now. Part of me wants to pack it in and give up on the whole idea of online dating. But another part of me is saying that I had such a good connection with someone, even if it was just for little over a week, that it made me feel like this (if this had happened with any of the other women I'd met previously I don't think I'd have felt the same way) and there's no rational reason that it couldn't happen again.

So in a weird way, feeling bad about this is actually helping me feel good about myself and my prospects.

 

[Citanul]

And I would like to say thanks for all the supportive comments.

I haven't told anybody that I've been giving online dating a try, mainly because I didn't want to field questions that I knew would come about how it was going, especially from my parents (there's no pressure on me to get married and have children, but they'd love for me to find someone). So I needed somewhere just to let things out, and I thought this would be a good place, as I think many of you can relate to the difficulties of online dating.

So thanks everyone. I wasn't necessarily expecting anything, so what you've said has been much appreciated.