Wah. The honeymoon is over!

[Macrina]

I'm still figuring out a lot of this pastor thing... I was only ordained in August, and I'm a solo pastor, so there is a lot of on-the-job training. But it just seems like all of a sudden a certain group of people in the congregation have decided that it's time to start complaining... about my hymn selection, about the way I make use of lay readers, whatever. Nevermind that I have repeatedly solicited input on the hymns (and received none) and that when I started using a worship assistant, I did it in what I thought was a fairly standard way... This is a very traditional, small-town southern church, where there is just so much assumed... but I'm not psychic, so I don't always know what people's expectations are if they don't tell me.

I'm not the only one to face this, am I?

 

[caitlincares]

Macrina


Will keep you in prayer

 

[Highland Watchman]

Sounds familiar somehow...

Keep with it, sister. Keep up the good fight, and do not give up. I am praying for you. Let us know of any updates.

G.S.

 

[SoulFly51]

I'm still figuring out a lot of this pastor thing... I was only ordained in August, and I'm a solo pastor, so there is a lot of on-the-job training. But it just seems like all of a sudden a certain group of people in the congregation have decided that it's time to start complaining... about my hymn selection, about the way I make use of lay readers, whatever. Nevermind that I have repeatedly solicited input on the hymns (and received none) and that when I started using a worship assistant, I did it in what I thought was a fairly standard way... This is a very traditional, small-town southern church, where there is just so much assumed... but I'm not psychic, so I don't always know what people's expectations are if they don't tell me.

I'm not the only one to face this, am I?

Welcome to ministry.

 

[Macrina]

Welcome to ministry.

gee, thanks.

 

[desi]

It sounds like people are whining about silly things, just like at my church where the leader said. 'This is why I changed x,y, and z...' Speak up. You can't lead without setting an agenda and marching on with it.

 

[Cordy]

It sounds like people are whining about silly things, just like at my church where the leader said. 'This is why I changed x,y, and z...' Speak up. You can't lead without setting an agenda and marching on with it.

I avoid churches where pastors act like commanders or dictators. I am glad to know that there are pastors who do take the time to listen and deal with the various issues members raise and try to promote harmony among us with humility.

It must be difficult balancing everything out with all our with different interest, desires and needs, while trying to follow God’s leading as well. Thank you, pastors, for all the time and effort you put into ministering to us.

 

[ccunning001]

I have been in a small souther church for the last six years. I know exactly what you are going through. YOu need to ask the question - "are you planning on staying there for 5 to 10 years?" If this church is just a stepping stone to another bigger church where you can make more, do more, and have more; then let the problems and complaining go. Give them what they want when they want it. It is not worth fighting it if you are going to leave in a year or so.

You see most of these small churches in small areas are used to seeing pastors come and go with the seasons. They are very protective of their church and their methods. They are in Charge, not you. If you are willing to stay for the long haul you have to prove yourself. You have to show them you are commited to them and not to your own advancement.

My Prayers are with you buddy. It is a long hard road and to do it by yourself is difficult.

 

[Macrina]

I have been in a small souther church for the last six years. I know exactly what you are going through. YOu need to ask the question - "are you planning on staying there for 5 to 10 years?" If this church is just a stepping stone to another bigger church where you can make more, do more, and have more; then let the problems and complaining go. Give them what they want when they want it. It is not worth fighting it if you are going to leave in a year or so.

You see most of these small churches in small areas are used to seeing pastors come and go with the seasons. They are very protective of their church and their methods. They are in Charge, not you. If you are willing to stay for the long haul you have to prove yourself. You have to show them you are commited to them and not to your own advancement.

My Prayers are with you buddy. It is a long hard road and to do it by yourself is difficult.

Thanks for the prayers and the advice. You know, I've been surprised by the mindset here... they think I plan to move on to bigger and better-paying churches, but that's not the case. I came here because I was called here, not because I'm trying to work my way "up" to anything else. When I was seeking a pastoral call, I went into it with the knowledge that I wanted to find something long-term... I know that I can't foretell the future, and God may call me somewhere else someday... but I didn't want to go into anything that felt in any way "temporary" to me. My criteria was that I had to be able to picture myself in this spot indefinitely, which I can.

Just lately, though -- like this week -- it's been getting frustrating. So many traditions and traditional ideas that are foreign to me. I'm pretty sure this is par for the course, but it can be a little disheartening.

 

[jiminpa]

It really does sound like you are going through what most pastors face. I have the perspective, but I am not a pastor, that you don't have to keep everyone in your fellowship. If you do something you believe to be scriptural, and people leave, give them your blessing, and pray they find the church that they fit into. If they will accept it try to maintain contact. It will help you to have ties to other pastors, and limit the rivalry mentality.

My pastor in Jacksonville, FL has lost members over things like taking down the alter railings, and replacing the pews with stackable chairs, (his mother left the church over that one). He took down the alter railings to make the statement that he was human just like the rest of us.

 

[Macrina]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the support and prayers. Keep 'em coming, if you will... apparently there's a faction in the church that really doesn't like me. I found out last night that there was renewed grumbling going on, although I'm not sure what it's over. The person who told me was very vague... the only thing she mentioned was visitation -- which is strange, because I do visit people in the congregation, just maybe not the "right" ones, I guess. But one of the primary complainers, and this is what just kills me, is a woman that I had lunch with last week. As far as I knew, we were quite close -- she has always been very sweet to me, very friendly... but now I find out that she's complaining about me behind my back.

I'm not even sure why. I know I'm not perfect. For one thing, I'm new at this and not all the hymns I've picked have been good ones. And maybe I didn't kiss up to the right people... I have been nice and friendly, but apparently they wanted me to fawn all over them.

I just don't know. I couldn't sleep much last night because I was so anxious about this. I'm trying to develop a thick skin about the petty stuff, but still listen to constructive criticism... because I know there are places I can improve. Like I said, I've only been at this for a couple of months and I'm still figuring a lot of it out. But I'm just so discouraged right now, that trying my best isn't enough to keep things from getting ugly. That, plus the ugliness is all behind my back -- to my face, I get different reactions.

Plus, I really want to get better and do a good job, but I'm hurt right now, and that makes it hard for me to reach out to these people who have been saying awful things about me. I mean, how am I supposed to just fake nice to them when I know they dislike me? How am I supposed to pretend it didn't hurt?

 

[Macrina]

PS -- so now one of the elders thinks that the elders who told me about the anti-me faction was mistaken... going off of the old information about the hymns and misunderstanding it to be about visitation, which was what this same group's problem with a previous pastor was. argh!

So I could barely sleep last night, because I was so worried about the really dire things I was informed about... but now it might just be all a big mix-up?

Why does the church have to be such a petty, gossippy place? Why does so much of my ministry have to be about making nice to people (and hey, I am a very nice person, believe it or not, so usually I don't have to make the effort... but this is a whole different ballgame...) and playing congregational politics? Why are 70- and 80-year-old women acting like 9-year-olds on a playground?

Wah. I know my skin is too thin for this. I'm trying to get tougher, really I am. I'm trying to remind myself that just because someone doesn't like me or the people who hired me or some minor thing that I did or didn't do doesn't make me a bad pastor. But sometimes it feels like it. I'm doing my best, I really am. And I'm trying not to be hurt by this, because I *know* that pastors have to develop this skin --

My question is, HOW do I develop that thick skin that pastors need? How do I develop the survival skills that I need to get through all of this?

 

[SoulFly51]

Sounds to me like you're working off of emotion instead of logic.

 

[herev]

and would he have said that to a male pastor?

 

[Macrina]

Sounds to me like you're working off of emotion instead of logic.

This post was about sharing my emotions, so of course that is your impression. I really needed to vent to people that would understand my frustrations. If I tried to deny that I felt hurt, then I would probably behave in unhealthy ways due to suppressing those emotions (losing my temper would be an example of an unhealthy reaction). But naturally I can't vent this to my congregation, and everybody in town sees me as "the pastor." So I came to you folks to say "waaah." Processing these feelings here helps me clear my head and think logically about it. My actions and decisions are not dictated by my emotions, but I know that I must work through my emotions in order to be a healthy person and be the best pastor I can be.

 

[AngelusSax]

This post was about sharing my emotions, so of course that is your impression. I really needed to vent to people that would understand my frustrations. If I tried to deny that I felt hurt, then I would probably behave in unhealthy ways due to suppressing those emotions (losing my temper would be an example of an unhealthy reaction). But naturally I can't vent this to my congregation, and everybody in town sees me as "the pastor." So I came to you folks to say "waaah." Processing these feelings here helps me clear my head and think logically about it. My actions and decisions are not dictated by my emotions, but I know that I must work through my emotions in order to be a healthy person and be the best pastor I can be.

I'm here for ya! Whatever help little ol' me can be... I'm here for ya anyway!

 

[Surprised by joy]

Wah. I know my skin is too thin for this. I'm trying to get tougher, really I am. I'm trying to remind myself that just because someone doesn't like me or the people who hired me or some minor thing that I did or didn't do doesn't make me a bad pastor. But sometimes it feels like it. I'm doing my best, I really am. And I'm trying not to be hurt by this, because I *know* that pastors have to develop this skin --

My question is, HOW do I develop that thick skin that pastors need? How do I develop the survival skills that I need to get through all of this?

You don't develop thick skin, you must always keep an openness and a compassion towards everyone. What you do is base your estimation of yourself in who God is and what He says about you, instead of who you are or who someone else is and what they say about you. It's all about God-esteem, not self-esteem; fear (reverence) of God, rather than fear of Man. (This is not easy, btw, it's a life-long journey from our own strength into God's strength.)

 

[Macrina]

You don't develop thick skin, you must always keep an openness and a compassion towards everyone. What you do is base your estimation of yourself in who God is and what He says about you, instead of who you are or who someone else is and what they say about you. It's all about God-esteem, not self-esteem; fear (reverence) of God, rather than fear of Man. (This is not easy, btw, it's a life-long journey from our own strength into God's strength.)

Yes, it is a lifelong journey, you are so right. It's tough to balance a receptiveness to constructive criticism with a sense of rootedness in my vision (the vision I believe I have been given) for this ministry. And over all of this is that understanding that my ministry will be judged by God, not by humans. At the same time, there is the openness and compassion that you spoke of, which is crucial. Thanks for your comments.

 

[Macrina]

I'm here for ya! Whatever help little ol' me can be... I'm here for ya anyway!

Thanks, brother.

I'm feeling somewhat better about it now, actually. It's still a balancing act, but it feels under control. Part of what got to me before was the pettyness of it all, and also knowing that this same faction has caused numerous other disruptions in the church, with elders and with previous pastors. It is always disappointing when I see Christians act like that toward one another.

Basically, the approach that I'm taking with the overall ministry is to preach solid gospel and encourage deep discipleship. What I'm thinking is if our eyes are all focused on Jesus, then the other things will fall into place, too.

 

[blessedbyhimmom]

I'll be praying for you. As a Ministry leader, I completely understand.
I do have to remind myself not to run on emotion by on logic and on understanding the will of God for whatever I am doing. I run two Pregnancy Resource Centers. There is always someone that is NOT happy. You can't please everyone. I also get told last ED did it this way or that way. I just say "Ok, but I have prayed for God's direction in this and I feel that this is where God is leading". And then I tell them why. That's my job. This is where God has put me, to lead. So I lead. If I make a mistake, I repent and move on.

Lori