virginity

[yaz]

Hello all, I'm a first time poster. My question deals with my virginity and my girlfriend's lack of virginity. We never had a discussion about this but I know that she is not a virgin. She's had three boyfriends in the past, just the thought of her with another man sleeping with her, whether it was one or more, bothers me to no end. I am not saying I am holier than thou because I struggle with other sins, but as the relationship is getting deeper and I am falling for her more and more, these thoughts are bothering me more and more.

I can't do anything to alleviate this pain nor do I think it is the right time to discuss this since we've together only for 5 months. She is a sweet girl, a Christian who had some struggles but is trying to do things right. I would not do anything to hurt her, but these thoughts enrage me. Plz help.

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm not sure what you want but I wish you could talk to my husband. I have a sexual past and he doesn't. He's rarely ever though about that part of my life. He's not avoiding it, it just isn't a big deal to him. He knows that I am not that person. I don't know what specifically you are finding hurtful but maybe getting in the word and applying her identity in Christ would be helpful.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

yaz,

I feel for you, I do. I know what it's like when someone doesn't exactly measure up to what you had planned, and when the thought of it tears you up big time.

However, I disagree with your 'only 5 months' comment - that is a fair whack of time to have been together, and long enough to work out what this woman is like NOW. Does the behaviour you see now bother you, or is it just the thought of her past? Either way, you've got to talk about it - the more you avoid it, the harder it will be when you DO get a bit a more serious, and still have these worries hanging over your head - it could become a field day for Satan to step in and have you develop resentment, anger, bitterness - all things that will come out in your behaviour towards her.

Talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel. Yes, she may be hurt at something that seems like a 'hang up', but if she loves you, she'll come to the table with suggestions on how you can both work through it, and either move on from it, or move on from each other.

If you're planning to have a deep, serious, committed relationship with this woman, this is something you need to deal with. If you don't, it will continually crop up through your relationship, and put a bad taste in your mouth. You can keep sweeping things under the carpet when you wanted a healthy relationship - it just won't work.

Talk to someone you respect - a strong Christian male in your church should be able to help you with it. If they're worth their salt, they won't just say 'get over it or dump her', but will pray with you and get to the core issues on WHY this is bothering you so much - not just the obvious 'it wasn't me' but the feelings her PAST behaviour stirs up in you.

I think it's something you've gotta start working on now - the more you continue with this relationship, with this hanging over it, the harder it's going to be to develop it healthily.

Blessings - I do understand where you come from, and I'm not trying to be 'sharp' with you - just trying to share how important it is to communicate this and work through it - either to a break up (if you just can't cope with it) or to developing a strong, long-term, guilt-free, non-bitter relationship.



Sasch

 

[MagicStar723]

The key is forgiveness. My bf had previous sexual encounters that really bothered me. (the sex was before he was saved) he also smoked, drank and some other things before he was saved. I spent a lot of prayer on the matter and was finally able to forgive him. After that I was ok. It ate at me because I didn't forgive him, I knew God designed us to be together and it hurt that he had already been with other women. I am ok with it now because I realize that he was born again and is a complete new person. God forgave him and so did I.

 

[SoulFly51]

I don't know that it will ever stop bothering you to be honest.

If she has changed and is not the same person she used to be then all you can do is help her become spiritually stronger and pray that your relationship glorifies God.

Of course you have to forgive her, but realize now that the thought of your wife/girlfreind sleeping with another man will always bother you, and I don't know if that feeling is ever really totally gone.

 

[Iggster]

i didn't know that loving someone is conditional. i know it bothers you. but did you stop and think for a minute that it could bother her too. or if she had known you'd be the one, she may have waited.

you should tell her how you feel. don't let it eat away at your relationship. if you're still not okay with it, then let her go. it'll just weigh down the relationship.

I know one thing though. God loves her no matter what she did in the past, so long as she repented.

 

[yaz]

Thanks for all the input everybody. I know discussing this with her is the most important thing I could do, as well as pray. The problem is that she isn't the type that like to discuss these things. Actually, she doesn't communicate too well. That was one of the reasons why we broke up for a month.

I know she was hurt by relationship(s) b/4 because she started talking about a Christian relationship book she is reading and about how it states that any sort of physical contact usually ends up with lot of scars, with one person getting much more hurt than the other. I could tell she was referring to herself and her past 3 boyfriends.

Plz pray for us.

 

[bliz]

If you are going to have an ongoing relationship with her, you need to get over this and be able to live with it. This is your problem. If you can't get over it, break up with her explaining the truth - you are not ood enough for her.

And I don't even think this is a matter that calls for forgivness as far as you are concerned. She was not in a relationship with you when she had sex with other guys. She sinned against God and herself. That's quite a lot right there, but she did not sin against you. She cannot go back and change her past, but she can learn to repent and seek God's forgivness and forgive herelf and it sounds like she is working on that.

Your part is to love her and accept her as she is. If you cannot do that, walk out now rather than after another 5 months. She deserves someone who will fully and wholly love her. Right now that doesn't sound like you.

 

[Tuffguy]

If you have a hard time with this stuff you need to find a girl that is a virgin. Its her baggage man, if you have a problem with it, you need to find a girl without that baggage.

 

[yaz]

Bliz,

If I could get over by turning off this switch, I would. That's how much I like her. I wish I didn't feel this way, but unfortunately I have a hard time controlling what I feel. I never asked for her to repent to me, nor do I think any more or less of her, because, as I said, I have my own struggles.

I genuinely do like her and want to pursue something longlasting with her, it is just hard getting over this. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.

 

[EmSchmem]

I agree with bliz. She never said it was easy. But if she's worth it you will. The fact of the matter is that she has a past and you are holding it against her. God can help you see her past properly.

 

[yaz]

Tuffguy,

That's what I'm trying to do, get over it. I know it's her baggage, and I wish it didn't bother me. Part of me wishes that I would have lost my virginity b4 so that I didn't feel this way.

I'm not seeking for her to repent to me or anything like that, I just want to lose these feelings so that this relationship isn't hindered in anyway.

Bliz,
I'm trying to find out if I could marry this girl and love her for the rest of my life. I don't know if I love her, but I love being with her, talking to her, want to make her happy, am physically attracted to her, etc. It is too soon to give my heart to her though. I certainly care for this girl.

yaz

 

[Tuffguy]

You women in this thread have a nasty tone towards this guy. He is in touch with how he feels about this girl and he clearly has nothing but good intentions towards her and he is asking how to deal with his feelings. He isn't holding this over her head at all either. This guy has done nothing wrong and is trying to do the right thing.
Check yourselves 'ladies'.

 

[SnowDove]

I don't think it is their intention to sound nasty...it's obvious that you really truly are trying to do the right thing. I think it really boils down to the fact that letting it eat away at you will only turn into bitterness. It's really tough to think about, but easy to gnaw on over and over again. You are so right in saying that you want to know if you love her. You love being around her and making her happy, but is she the one? That's such a valid question...and so smart and wise to be thinking of now instead of later on. Because she's been so hurt by her past three boyfriends, it may just be a really hard thing for her to talk about...so don't be discouraged. If she realizes that it wasn't in God's plan for her life, and she is sorry that she did it, God's forgiven her...but it is so hard for us as humans to bury those sins in the ocean like God. We like to dig them up and dwell on them. If you know she's sorry, help her bury those sins and throw away the map to where they are. Talk to her...and work through this together. Sorry if this seems easier said than done. I hope maybe something in here can be an ecouragement to you!

 

[lovefire]

And I don't even think this is a matter that calls for forgivness as far as you are concerned. She was not in a relationship with you when she had sex with other guys. She sinned against God and herself. That's quite a lot right there, but she did not sin against you.

True enough it is something that is going to take someone tough enough to get over. But I personaly don't see how this quote is true IF he IS the one meant for her and her for him. Believe it or not our bodies are not our own. They are Gods bodies and after that they belong to the one we are to be joined to. She gave away what was meant for her husband. I would say he has to forgive it and it IS called for on his half. My gf has a past as well. The only thing that got me through it was she was repentant over it, asked God to forgive her, and asked me to as well. But what really made me ABLE to forgive her, was God let me know in prayer once that I have to love her like Him when He said "My bride has a past too." It takes lots of prayer and sometimes you HAVE to FORCE yourself to not think about it. But you can forgive with Gods help. Every now and then the thoughts come up for me. But I know it is only satan trying to destroy what we have. I forgave her cause God forgave me. I dont have a past either by the way.
And one more thing: Before her I swore to myself I would only be with a virgin. But after I met her and God let me know she was the one, I fell in love and none of my ideas of the way it "should" be mattered.

 

[Sketcher]

Thanks for all the input everybody. I know discussing this with her is the most important thing I could do, as well as pray. The problem is that she isn't the type that like to discuss these things. Actually, she doesn't communicate too well. That was one of the reasons why we broke up for a month.

Pardon my ignorance, never really having had a relationship before, but if that hasn't changed, I would see that as a red flag.

Two people NEED to communicate. You need to get this out, and she needs to be willing to communicate her end of it. A friend of mine's parents divorced because his mom wouldn't discuss things, she kept them inside until they boiled over, and she'd explode. This did not change over the 20-odd years they were together.

 

[invisiblebabe]

If you have a hard time with this stuff you need to find a girl that is a virgin. Its her baggage man, if you have a problem with it, you need to find a girl without that baggage.

Agreed.... forgiving someone does not mean agreeing to stay with them. If you cannot emotionally handle it, that is how you are wired, and you are no worse for it. If you see it as an issue that could potentially ruin the relationship later on, I would back out now. Her lack of willingness for communication also would be a huge problem later on...

 

[rwl]

Who is the girl dating right now? Who does the girl want to be with right now?

You.

It sounds less like a " She's a girl with baggage" then it does an insecurity issue and one that is really only effecting the guy. Everyone has a different past and some times people get hung up on others.

Is she having a hard time dealing with it or is it just you? I'm sorry but saying that it's her baggage irks me a little since she doesnt sound like the one who has a problem with it. Why blame her. She did what she did. All you can do is accept that or move on. The key thing is you have to love her for her ( read: all of her) or just move on to someone that fits your bill. She's *your* girlfriend, exclusively. Don't get hung up on *her* past.

 

[EmSchmem]

TO the OP are you turning to God over this? You are still seeing this as something you can't get over. Yes you can. It has ntohing to do with how you are wired. Turn to the word and ask God to show you about a Christian's identity. This girl is not the sum of her sins. The sooner you see that the sooner you will be able to move on.

 

[yaz]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. Ultimately, God is the only one who can let me get over this and tell me if she is the one meant for me. I prayed since 2 weeks after dating her that she'd be the one, IF that is part of HIS will. Sometimes I pray "Please God, let this relationship workout and bless it, let it be part of Your will, but let Your will be done." Of all the difficulties that happened between us, I am surprised we are still together, especially after our breakup.

Please pray for me that I turn this over to God, because, right now, I am trying to deal with this myself. I need Him so much right now and I am not seeking Him right now.