virginity

[crimsonxbeauty]

I honestly don't think I could handle marrying someone who wasn't a virgin. That would hurt me so badly. Even if they weren't a Christian when they did it, I don't think I could handle it.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You're human. i know that if you could turn this off with a switch you would. You're not a terrible person for this and neither is she. But you need to get this worked out one way or another for both of your sakes. I assume you're both fairly young, which means that God still has a lot to do in each of your hearts. But until that happens you have to live with what you've got, which is the issue concerning her past.
This is a common problem so you're not alone.
When you're young you can get caught up in a lot of unfortunate things, mistakes. Her attitude concerning her past, rather than just her past, is the important thing.
You say she has trouble communicating. You should try to get her to open up. Sometimes you have to forget yourself and just listen to anything she may say, being her friend rather than her boyfriend. She has to trust that you wont get mad suddenly when she is sharing her heart.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I honestly don't think I could handle marrying someone who wasn't a virgin. That would hurt me so badly. Even if they weren't a Christian when they did it, I don't think I could handle it.

That's good you know yourself well enough to know that There are plenty of virgin guys out there, too.

 

[sculpturegirl]

When we are in Christ we are new creatures in Him. Look at so many of the women he encountered in the accounts of His life- protestutes, adultresses, Samaritans. He offered his grace and forgiveness. So, provided that she has repented and accepts the Grace of God then she is clean and pure. God places our iniquities as far as the east is from the west.

My beau, who I plan to marry, has been married before and did not wait. He is a new person because of Christ and what He did on the cross and all I see is him now. Christ has made him clean and forgiven.

Perhaps you have jealously thinking of her with other men. Indeed, pray for your self!
Maybe the two of you need a "break" from one another than you make see God's will for your relationship. How old are you? Are you ready to think about a long-term commitment, like marriage?

 

[Gorilla King]

I went through this very issue, but I'll tell you what, it gets easier. For whatever reason, it got into my head when my girlfriend and I first discussed it in any depth that she was somehow unfaithful to me. But guess what? She hadn't even met me at that point! How could she have known what the future held? Granted We both knew it was a sin, but it wasn't against me that she sinned, so there was no reason for me to get so upset about it. When she came to terms with the hurt she caused God she asked for His forgiveness with every last bit of her heart, and I know she's received it. It says in the Bible to be holy like God is holy. God forgave her and I realized I needed to be like God.

Now every so often (though I think I'm nearly entirely past it) thoughts come back into my mind about that situation. You and I just need to keep in mind where these thoughts come from. Satan, the father of lies. He wants to ruin relationships and he'll usewhatever means neccessary to do so. We have a choice though about whether we will follow God down a forgiving and merciful path or Satan down a destructive and bitter one.

 

[SnowDove]

See next post...I was having problems...lol, sorry!

 

[SnowDove]

Now every so often (though I think I'm nearly entirely past it) thoughts come back into my mind about that situation. You and I just need to keep in mind where these thoughts come from. Satan, the father of lies. He wants to ruin relationships and he'll usewhatever means neccessary to do so. We have a choice though about whether we will follow God down a forgiving and merciful path or Satan down a destructive and bitter one.

You put that so eloquently...and coming from someone who has actually gone through the same thing brings a certain accountability to it. It reminds me of something one of my pastors said once. "When Satan reminds you of your past, you remind him of his future."

 

[AngelusSax]

To the OP, I pray for you to cast your cares unto God.

I don't think about my partner's past much at all, and even when I do, it's only when I pop in and start answering a question such as this.

Mistakes are made. Fortunately, life often presents chances to learn from those mistakes. It sounds like she has learned from hers, so try not to hold it against her.

Trust in God, trust in love, and trust in her. Perhaps easier said than done, I realize. But.... well it's gotta be said I suppose.

 

[laura-ann]

I really feel for you. In our relationship its the other way, and I know he really struggles. We have had many nights of tears and pain and he hasn't let go. That means that neither can I. I pray every night that this pain will leave our relationship. It was before I was saved and I would do anything to undo my mistakes, but I feel our wonderful lord is forgiving me ... I wish the same could happen in our relationship before we marry!
Love Laura

 

[gracefaith]

Yaz,

I know it's been two weeks and probably (hopefully) you've already talked to her about your feelings. I'm a little concerned that perhaps the other helpful posters might have misunderstood what your real issue is.

It could be, as most of them guessed, that you are disgusted or angry with her for what she has done in the past. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married but my best friend recently got engaged to a man who is not. This (as the best friend) bothered me a great deal because I felt she would be denied the very special experience of being his first. I mentioned this to her and her reply was that he had been redeemed from the lifestyle he used to live and is a NEW CREATURE IN CHRIST! Praise God that we are all extended such forgiveness! Our former life is no longer the truth we live in now. To her those previous experiences no longer exist and pose no threat (especially as far as performance comparison.)

It occurs to me though, that it might be something different that's really bugging you. Maybe (and I hope) you're really mad that men in her past treated her with so little respect. YOU know that you would never have done those things that are making her feel so terrible now. You love her too much, have too much respect for her, think she is too precious and beautiful to not be treated with honor and it makes you crazy that someone else even breathed near her (let alone touched her) in their own selfish lust. If this is the case, I think it would make her feel really wonderful if you told her how special you think she is and how you intend treat her far better that her previous boyfriends.

Just my two cents,

GRACE

 

[Habakkuk]

[size=+1][glow=blue]You know, Yaz, I was in this same situation some time ago... about a year, come to think of it. It was even my first post.

Anyways... I know what you're feeling, you can't exactly explain it... it just sucks. My (now ex) girlfriend had lost hers only 2 months before we got together. The only thing that I found to be helpful was talking to her about it and finding out that she regretted it. As gracefaith said, I was a bit mad at her previous b/f for treating her with so little respect, but there was still something elusive eating away at me. So, after we talked about it, it took time, but I eventually just got it off my mind. It would occasionally come back, of course, but at the time of our breakup, I hadn't thought of it for over 2 months (9-month relationship). What really sucks, is that I still love her and it STILL eats at me when it pops into my mind (which is even more rarely than when we were together). I'd say do your best to get over this, put it as far from your thoughts as you can... in the end it's more than worth it to have gone through this in order to still be with her.

I will be praying for you.[/glow][/size]

 

[Sir Donkey of Punchington]

Yaz, you might find my story helpful.

Growing up, I never had any illusions about waiting for marriage. I decided instead to wait for love, and I did. She was (and is) a phenomenal woman, and I have nothing but respect for her even now, years after we split ways. She had been with others before, and I hadn't.

How did I deal with this?

Quite simply, I realized that I'd done things that she had disapproved of, but that didn't seem to stop her from standing by me regardless. I realized that the other men in her past were just that-- in her past. I must have had something they didn't if she was with me instead of them.

If you feel that this is something that you need to forgive her for, then quit now. Forgiveness is permission to do it again. We are inherently sexual beings, and exploring that is a part of life, whether we choose to wait or not.

There's more, but I'm not certain it'd not result in bannination if I posted it, so please feel free to contact me.

I feel for you.

 

[looksgood]

If you feel that this is something that you need to forgive her for, then quit now. Forgiveness is permission to do it again.

Umm...That didn't quite sit well with me. It's just something bout it...I mean I don't think God forgives us and then gives permission to sin again by the forgivness.

 

[Law of Loud]

If you feel that this is something that you need to forgive her for, then quit now. Forgiveness is permission to do it again. We are inherently sexual beings, and exploring that is a part of life, whether we choose to wait or not.

I disagree with you quite plainly on this point. Forgiveness must be given if you ever hope to pass anywhere, and to live in a relationship where you merely ignore differences, is not to live in a healthy relationship. Honestly, you need to be able to put yourself past this issue, and forgive her, because we all fail. Have you ever sat there, looking at porn, and masturbating? How much better you are than her.

Forgiveness is not permission to do it again. It is placing faith in the person that they regret the matter, and do not seek to do it again.

 

[SnowDove]

Forgiveness is permission to do it again.

Wha...? I also do not agree. There's a reason I'm not going to hell, and that's because Christ died and forgave...that statement just feels a little degrading to what He did for me. Just a thought... I do agree with what Sir Donkey of Punchington said about us having done things in the past that others would be ashamed of...whatever they may be. I know that you get that, Yaz...this is really just something very personal for you, and we can only pray and try to encourage. So, here are my prayers and hopefully they will encourage you!

 

[Blackbutterfly]

I know for me, finding someone who had the same belief as me was exremtly important, probley for everyone. But once you find someone, and (i dont know if you love her or not) you want forgive her and move on. Has she thought of becoming a born-again virgin (mental, it cant be done really), but still its the thought that counts, does she know her mistakes, did she learn from them? Has Christ forgiven her? Is Christ has, why shouldnt you? Love and forgivness....love and forgivness.....bless your heart, your only struggling. May you find your way!

 

[JonnoK]

Hi Yaz, i no there are heaps of people giving you advice on this post, but seeing as I was/am in an extremely similar position to you, I can't resist giving you my sympathy.

Obviously we are very like minded; I'm sure by now you are well aware that some guys (and girls) dont seem to have a problem with our circumstances, even though like us, they remained virgins, and our partners were far from it. I wish, as I'm sure you do, that I also JUST DIDNT CARE!!! I feel bad for my fiance, knowing that she knows that i get so cut up about it!

The difference in our circumstances now is that my fiance and i have now been together for 21 months. We are getting married in feb. The only things that have really helped me, are understanding her past more fully, knowing that she would do anything to undo what she has done, and most of all, time. Each day that goes past puts a greater distance between what happened, and the memory fades alittle more.

You misguided people who think that it is Yaz's and my problem, have no idea how our (Yaz's and others like us) minds work. We get cut up about our girls' previous activities because we LOVE them. We want them for ourselves! Sounds selfish? Yes but it is a justified kind of selfishness, in that it is what God intended! I also thought i would only marry a virgin.It is not an easy thing to give up, for me at least. It is only the size of my love for my girl that can get me over the pain of her past. But it still hurts! And of course it should! People on this forum are quite plainly understating the damage that sex with multiple partners causes, by saying the eventual husband should get over it!!! Something as serious as this, is going to cause serious pain!

Obviously if you are one of those people who can (and lucky for you if you are) just think, "o well, the past is the past, and she wasnt with me at the time, and she wasnt saved etc etc" and leave it at that, then the act of sex does not have quite the same level of importance, or significance, as it does to me and Yaz. And that is pretty unchangeable, at least in my case.

For me, 21 months on, knowing that for the past 21months im the only one she has been with, the pain has subsided substantially. But it will always have a lingering affect. God knows i have forgiven her! But forgiveness doesnt erase the memory, and it is memory that causes the pain.

(p.s. finding out more about her past is not neccessarily a bad thing, as many people seem to imply. The amount of things you may well find out that DID NOT happen does have a very comforting effect, especially, if you're like what i was like, you are often thinking "what if?" or "has she?" etc)

 

[EmSchmem]

Hi Yaz, i no there are heaps of people giving you advice on this post, but seeing as I was/am in an extremely similar position to you, I can't resist giving you my sympathy.

Obviously we are very like minded; I'm sure by now you are well aware that some guys (and girls) dont seem to have a problem with our circumstances, even though like us, they remained virgins, and our partners were far from it. I wish, as I'm sure you do, that I also JUST DIDNT CARE!!! I feel bad for my fiance, knowing that she knows that i get so cut up about it!

The difference in our circumstances now is that my fiance and i have now been together for 21 months. We are getting married in feb. The only things that have really helped me, are understanding her past more fully, knowing that she would do anything to undo what she has done, and most of all, time. Each day that goes past puts a greater distance between what happened, and the memory fades alittle more.

You misguided people who think that it is Yaz's and my problem, have no idea how our (Yaz's and others like us) minds work. We get cut up about our girls' previous activities because we LOVE them. We want them for ourselves! Sounds selfish? Yes but it is a justified kind of selfishness, in that it is what God intended! I also thought i would only marry a virgin.It is not an easy thing to give up, for me at least. It is only the size of my love for my girl that can get me over the pain of her past. But it still hurts! And of course it should! People on this forum are quite plainly understating the damage that sex with multiple partners causes, by saying the eventual husband should get over it!!! Something as serious as this, is going to cause serious pain!

Obviously if you are one of those people who can (and lucky for you if you are) just think, "o well, the past is the past, and she wasnt with me at the time, and she wasnt saved etc etc" and leave it at that, then the act of sex does not have quite the same level of importance, or significance, as it does to me and Yaz. And that is pretty unchangeable, at least in my case.

For me, 21 months on, knowing that for the past 21months im the only one she has been with, the pain has subsided substantially. But it will always have a lingering affect. God knows i have forgiven her! But forgiveness doesnt erase the memory, and it is memory that causes the pain.

(p.s. finding out more about her past is not neccessarily a bad thing, as many people seem to imply. The amount of things you may well find out that DID NOT happen does have a very comforting effect, especially, if you're like what i was like, you are often thinking "what if?" or "has she?" etc)

Noone said it was easy. We all said it was necessary. This guy either needs to get past this or end the relationship. He needs to spend DEEP time in prayer and in the word. He needs to talk to more mature Christians than him (in real life) who have been through similar things.
At the same time. To continuously dwell on his girlfriend's past he is not seeing her as the washed clean person that she is. AGAIN I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS EASY!!!! I said it had to change. God can do this. Remember that with God ALL things are possible, even getting over tje past sins of s sinificant other.
One thing that I have not seen mentioned it what the OP thinks God is doing in his OWN life through this. Might I suggest reading Hosea. He was ordered to marry Gomer, an adulterous wife. There is a whole lot of symbolism there that might help. Also, to the OP please find a list of identity verses and study them, devour them. This will help greatly. Seriously it will. If you google identity verses you should be able to find a list.
I am sure your girlfriend is sorry she didn't wait for you but she CAN'T take it back and she DID learn something from it that can be used in your relationship.

 

[JonnoK]

Getting past it doesnt mean stopping hurting, quite frankly. Also, Gomer's relationship with his wife is not exactly what one would normally aspire to! If I'm going to have a close, open, meaningful, honest relationship with my fiance, pain, in my circumstance, is going to be involved. Thats not to say its holding us back! but I still feel contributors (such as Emschmen) are trivialising the consequences, (perhaps because of guilt) or do not have as open, close or honest relationship with their spouse.

I know people do place greater significance on sex than others. Neither I nor my SO can understand partners who are willing to give the spouse a second chance if cheated upon. Quite frankly, that would just be too much for either of us. But others, seem to be willing to try and live with it. Obviously sex means just that little bit less to them. Not the case with me. And obviously not with Yaz either.

 

[EmSchmem]

Getting past it doesnt mean stopping hurting, quite frankly. Also, Gomer's relationship with his wife is not exactly what one would normally aspire to! If I'm going to have a close, open, meaningful, honest relationship with my fiance, pain, in my circumstance, is going to be involved. Thats not to say its holding us back! but I still feel contributors (such as Emschmen) are trivialising the consequences, (perhaps because of guilt) or do not have as open, close or honest relationship with their spouse.

I know people do place greater significance on sex than others. Neither I nor my SO can understand partners who are willing to give the spouse a second chance if cheated upon. Quite frankly, that would just be too much for either of us. But others, seem to be willing to try and live with it. Obviously sex means just that little bit less to them. Not the case with me. And obviously not with Yaz either.

Dude I think you have no clue. It tears me up very often that I did not save myself for my husband. I am angry at my parents for never emphasising the importance or even telling me about saving myself for marriage at all. I'm angry at them for allowing me to have boys over to spend the night. I am angry at myself for making dumb decisions that I can never take back. I am angry at myself for destroying myself that way. I am angry at myself for hurting and taking that special gift away from other guys.
BUT with all of this stuff one thing I am not is doomed. My marriage is awesome. It is very open. I have cried in the arms of my husband many many nights until the wee hours of the morning. It doesn't hurt him that he didn't get the be the first to have my body even if it was his right (sometimes our rights are taken away from us), it hurt him that this causes me so much pain. My husband does not see me as someone who slept around before I was a Christian and he will frankly tell you that he can't imagine me being like that. His ONLY theory to this is that I had huge gaping holes in my heart and that was the only way to fill them (not excusing actions).
God says I am forgiven. His child, his only son died a horrific death so that I can be washed clean of my former actions. That doesn't take all the consequences away. I still have nightmares about my formers partners. Not fun.
The OP asked for ways to deal with this and I gave him very specific ways. The Lord and His world heals everything. He can heal this. The OP has to choose whether or not he wants that healing....