virginity

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Dude I think you have no clue. It tears me up very often that I did not save myself for my husband. I am angry at my parents for never emphasising the importance or even telling me about saving myself for marriage at all. I'm angry at them for allowing me to have boys over to spend the night. I am angry at myself for making dumb decisions that I can never take back. I am angry at myself for destroying myself that way. I am angry at myself for hurting and taking that special gift away from other guys.
BUT with all of this stuff one thing I am not is doomed. My marriage is awesome. It is very open. I have cried in the arms of my husband many many nights until the wee hours of the morning. It doesn't hurt him that he didn't get the be the first to have my body even if it was his right (sometimes our rights are taken away from us), it hurt him that this causes me so much pain. My husband does not see me as someone who slept around before I was a Christian and he will frankly tell you that he can't imagine me being like that. His ONLY theory to this is that I had huge gaping holes in my heart and that was the only way to fill them (not excusing actions).
God says I am forgiven. His child, his only son died a horrific death so that I can be washed clean of my former actions. That doesn't take all the consequences away. I still have nightmares about my formers partners. Not fun.

I admit I haven't read every post on here, but one thing about the OP that they do not point out and I think EmSchmem hits on here.

What about what she's going through? How does it make her feel knowing that she did what she did and now you're holding it over her head? You seem self-absorbed into how this makes you feel without any sort of concern for her. Love isn't about how I feel, but it's about how they feel.

Although I am not married, I have met the man I will marry. I have a past. He doesn't. He knows that I am a new person in God and that my past is my past. He has accepted me for who I am in God's eyes today. If he has an issues with it, he does not say anything to me. In fact, I am the one that has issues with it. Like Em, I have cried to him many of times. I have to live with this day in and day out and know that I cannot give him this. He, too, is more concerned that it still causes me so much pain--not the pain that he's not the "first one." The first time I read this thread, I cried that night to him. I know there's a women out there who is probably struggling with the same things I am and the person she is dating cannot move past it.

I can empathize your hurt as it hurts me to tell him he's not going to be the first. However, if this is the basis of your relationship and you cannot get over this, then you need to do her a favor and terminate the relationship. Sex is not the number one priority in a marriage and it's not the most important thing in life. Saying that if it's only one wouldn't bother you, but three does, to me is most likely a false statement. Because one or a thousand, you still wouldn't be the first and that eats at you. She needs support and love--not bitterness and resent. When it boils down to it, does it really matter? Yes, you should know she has a past, but if she has truely repented and is ready to move on, and you really love her, I don't think it would be an issue.

What about it enrages you? If she was had some other vice (sin) that wasn't sex, would you still feeling enraged? I know that you're here asking how you can get over it, but I think you need to ask yourself what about it enrages you and what is stopping you from getting over it. You need to find the source of the issue before you can execute the fix.

 

[Jocky]

What about it enrages you? If she was had some other vice (sin) that wasn't sex, would you still feeling enraged?

Yaz, some of the posts from the women (though not all) I'd imagine you'd find quite hurtful and trivializing. I know I do and I'm in a similar position to you.

The thing that I'm finding is that women can never understand what sex means to a man, the same way men can never understand what it means to a woman. You and I both know that a man in the position that you or I are in would never have to ask the questions that Caelda asks.

I'm really struggling with this issue, but I truly believe that the guy who posted on the 2nd page of this thread about how Christ's Bride (us) has a past. He is willing to forgive and marry both your gf and you. When it seems impossible to forgive I try to remember that if God can forgive the unfaithfulness of his Church (BY PUNISHING HIMSELF), we can do the same if his Holy Spirit empowers us to.

I am believing that this apparent awful situation is actually a blessing from God to strengthen my character, my faith, and weaken my pride.

I too can relate to just wanting to flick a switch and turn off the pain
I too can relate to feelings of "I wish I'd lost my virginity so this situation wouldn't hurt as much now"

Despite what some others have said, I believe she has sinned against you if you are to be her husband so you do need to forgive her, and the great news is that we have a God in whom this is possible BY HIS SPIRIT.

Finally I'd like to point out that whilst I'm a virgin, I have plenty of sexual sin - lust, masturbation, pornography, going to far physically within relationships. I've been doing alot of work of breaking free of this, and God has been so faithful in providing me the power to break something in his strength that has bound me for the best part of 14 years. And my gf knows this and has been tremendously supportive, compassionate, and non-condemning on all of this. It has been quite a testimony to me.

I am finding things are getting better and I thought it was impossible.

In Christ,

Will

 

[yaz]

Thank you all for all the replies. Unfortunately, our relationship never got to the point where we could talk about this and we broke up last Thursday. We had a lot of communication problems, especially about her opening up to me and feeling comfortable talking to me. It is really weird how we had the best conversations and she would open up to me and tell me her thoughts when we broke up the two times. I kept asking her why she's like this and she says she doesn't know. Maybe we weren't meant to be. I'm gonna really miss her.

To those of you who had negative replies toward me, I understand. I probably reminded a lot of people about all the painful sins that they are trying to get over. It was never my intention to hurt anybody, just to spill my guts and find ways to deal with how I felt. It doesn't matter anymore.

Peace and thanks to all those who prayed for me and gave me advice

Dave