I need to let it all out and I am sorry if my post will be too personal or with explicit details. I will understand if it gets deleted, but right now I really need to write it out because I feel like I am going insane.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the wrong way.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the wrong way.