Virginity and sin - seeking advice

Sep 5, 2018
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I need to let it all out and I am sorry if my post will be too personal or with explicit details. I will understand if it gets deleted, but right now I really need to write it out because I feel like I am going insane.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the wrong way.
 

Dave-W

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If you cannot just "leave it in the past" as your priest has suggested, I would say find a good christian marriage counselor. Go yourself a few times and get everything straightened up on your end of things. THEN come completely clean to your husband (probably with the counselor there as well).

If you have confessed and repented, then be assured you have been forgiven by God.
 
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Holoman

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I don't know your husband, but I would think if you tell him that you slept with someone once, and that it was not good, then he won't be that bothered by it. If he has a bit of common sense, he will have known that "I fooled around with someone once" is what a woman would say when the answer is yes but she's embarrassed to say it.
 
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Petros2015

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That's pretty funny - VirginAgain(tm) pills. Sounds like God gave you your virginity back (or gave you a second chance on it). Pills don't do that, as your friend will find out. I think you should just be grateful and happy with your husband.
 
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Dave-W

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at's pretty funny - VirginAgain(tm) pills.
Agreed. Hang around long enough and the guy will try to sell you some oceanfront property in New Mexico, or maybe Switzerland.
 
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Saucy

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No such thing as pills to bring back your virginity. You slept with someone. You WEREN'T a virgin on your wedding night. You tricked your husband and was dishonest. If it bothers you, confess it, but it's in the past. Move on.
 
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Chris V++

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Hopefully your husband will understand that you were taken advantage of by an older, engaged, scoundrel doctor who sounds like he was in a position of authority and pressured you. He is obviously manipulative and arrogant if he is dispensing 'virginity'pills. Isn't that technically malpractice? It sounds like you wont have peace until you confess but hopefully he will understand you were sort of a victim here. If you were under 18 that's considered rape in most parts of the world. What is Doctor V Pill's specialty?
 
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Dan1988

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I need to let it all out and I am sorry if my post will be too personal or with explicit details. I will understand if it gets deleted, but right now I really need to write it out because I feel like I am going insane.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the wrong way.
This may sound silly, but don't worry about telling your husband. You sinned against God, so you need to confess it to God. Your husband is also a sinner, he may not have omitted the same sin as you but he is a sinner n one the less.

All you need to do is find a time when there's nobody around and get on your knees and ask God to forgive you and to give you a new heart, because the heart you have now has been corrupted by sin and you will never be able to truly enjoy your marriage until this issue with the heart is dealt with.

God know exactly what you did and He knows that you are repentant so He is ready and willing to forgive you, but you must humble yourself and come before Him in prayer. The prayer must come from your heart, don't recite other peoples prayers such as those in prayer books. Just ask Him as if you were speaking to your most trusted friend and times it by a 100.

I went through the same dilemma, and I was only liberated after I repented and trusted in the Lord Jesus to give me a brand new clean heart. My wife never found out and I have been faithful ever since and our marriage is the best that anyone's could possibly be.

God didn't just forgive me, He gave me a new heart and I changed as a person. I started trusting in Jesus with all the other things in life and He has guided me into a beautiful new life, where He does all the worrying and stressing and I just follow His lead.
 
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paul1149

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That doctor sounds like a completely untrustworthy person. I would be very hesitant to put anyone in touch with him. The pills are, I would think, fake. Maybe they somehow promote vaginal bleeding. If so, they are to be all the more avoided.

As for telling your husband, I can't say. But I think you should undertake a season of prayer and maybe fasting. Consecrate yourself to the Lord and seek His counsel. Keep in mind as you do so James' promise that God will give wisdom without reproaching (chapter 1), and also how he defines the wisdom that comes from above:

Who is wise and has understanding among you? He should show his works by good conduct with wisdom’s gentleness.
But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and deny the truth.
Such wisdom does not come from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.
For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil.
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy.
And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace. -Jas 3:13-18​

You see how God's wisdom is closely allied with purity and peace. So what you eventually do should both be right and in the long run should give you a sense of abiding peace. Indeed, God's wisdom runs right alongside the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5.22-25.
 
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Brian Mcnamee

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I need to let it all out and I am sorry if my post will be too personal or with explicit details. I will understand if it gets deleted, but right now I really need to write it out because I feel like I am going insane.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the




wrong way.

Hi your situation is a bit like being tied up with imaginary knots that you cannot get loose from. The events of the past you were honest enough by saying you fooled around once. Your husband does not want or need to know the details. You knew it was wrong and repented of it. The forgiveness of Christ for this has already wiped away all of your guilt. The accuser of the brethren is robbing your joy of being washed completely through Christ and free from all the shame and guilt. In this you can rejoice and celebrate and not let this be a burden anymore to you. The magic pill story is amazing and rather believe in a magic pill I believe God did a miracle in your body and indeed restored your virginity as you noted. This is the great God we serve and instead of being shamed in this I see you getting a special miracle just for you. Leave the past behind and love on your man as a much beloved daughter of the kingdom. At some point this experience will help you minister to other women who may have a much more sordid past than you. Focus of the grace the mercy and newness in Christ and experience the joy of justified. You can walk away from all guilt and rest in the LORD immediately.
 
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AnnaDeborah

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From a technical point of view, the membrane (hymen) is often not completely destroyed the first time, so I would say that is most likely what caused the supposed 'evidence' of restored virginity. It certainly wasn't the pills and I don't see why God would miraculously restore the physical appearance of virginity, since it meant your husband was deceived about the extent of your previous relationship.

If you have confessed and repented of your sin to God, know that He has forgiven you. Regarding your husband, I would not tell him, unless he is already suspicious/anxious about this area of your life. So if confessing this to him is going to make you feel better and him feel worse, then don't! Just ask the Lord to help you move on.

As a side note, I would caution your friend against taking those pills and to be honest with a prospective husband about her past.
 
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zephcom

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I need to let it all out and I am sorry if my post will be too personal or with explicit details. I will understand if it gets deleted, but right now I really need to write it out because I feel like I am going insane.
Before I married my husband I slept with another man. He was older than me and he was engaged. I didn't want to sleep with him as I always wanted to get married as a virgin, but spending so much time with him and him insisting made it hard to resist. It only happened once (and it was very clumsy to say the least, as I was extremely uncomfortable and hesitant). I refused to sleep with him again after that and became extremely depressed. I told him that he ruined my life, that my virginity was the most important thing to me and that now my next relationship will fail to be perfect. He felt guilty as well and one day when we met he gave me some pills (he's a doctor) and he told me it's for me to become a virgin again from a biological perspective. I had already looked it up online and I knew he was lying because there is no such thing (there is surgery, but I could not afford that). I took the pills anyway.
When I met my husband shortly after, I was hesitant to tell him about this man. When he asked me if I was a virgin, I told him that I fooled around once and that I am not sure. He never asked me again, he seemed to avoid the subject. But this is the weird part: when we finally slept together, there was proof that I was actually a virgin. It was a wonderful surprise for both of us.
Up to this day he is convinced that I was a virgin. I never told him about the pills. A friend of mine who knows the story told me that maybe the first time I did it wasn't 'all the way' so to speak. But nonetheless, she has asked me to get in touch with the doctor to get her some pills as well. I have put them in contact (as I do not want to talk to him personally nor meet him face to face). This happened recently and now it feels like I opened an old wound.
I not only feel guilty for my husband, but also for whoever is going to be the next man in this friend's life, if the pills work for her as well.
I want to tell my husband everything, I want to leave this all behind. I wonder if it would be better not to, so he doesn't suffer. After all, it's him whom I love and no mistake from the past can change that.
My priest told me that it's all in the past and that I should just move on.
But it's very hard for me to do so, I feel like I am an impostor.
Am I really forgiven? Should I tell my husband and ask for forgiveness? I feel like any way I choose is the wrong way.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but you married the wrong man. That is not to say the Doctor would be better because he is worse.

The fact that you husband asked if you were a virgin is the reason I say you married the wrong man. As soon as he asked, you should have picked up your coat and left.

He was looking for a pure breeder to have his children. He was NOT looking for a soul-mate to share the rest of his life with. You are not livestock. You are a human being who needs to love and be loved.

If you choose to tell him, be sure to put in all the gruesome details. If he tosses you out, you will be free to find your true soul mate and you will never need to talk about your past again.
 
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AnnaDeborah

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He was looking for a pure breeder to have his children. He was NOT looking for a soul-mate to share the rest of his life with. You are not livestock. You are a human being who needs to love and be loved.
Not necessarily true. Remaining a virgin until marriage is something that is very important to many people, including the OP - disagreeing with such people does not give you the right to insult or ridicule them.
 
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zephcom

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Not necessarily true. Remaining a virgin until marriage is something that is very important to many people, including the OP - disagreeing with such people does not give you the right to insult or ridicule them.

Requiring a potential spouse to be a virgin is objectifying someone's existence. There are all sorts of reasons why someone would not be a 'virgin' and not all of them are the fault of the person. It falls into the very same category as expecting a potential spouse to have the 'correct' skin color, IQ, athletic ability or anything else.

When one turns another person into an object which possesses certain physical characteristics they are not looking for the person who is going to be best suited to be one's life long companion.

I stand by my comments. I've been married to the same woman for fifty years next week. Trust me, the least important thing in that entire time is whether she was a virgin when she married me.
 
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AnnaDeborah

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Requiring a potential spouse to be a virgin is objectifying someone's existence. There are all sorts of reasons why someone would not be a 'virgin' and not all of them are the fault of the person. It falls into the very same category as expecting a potential spouse to have the 'correct' skin color, IQ, athletic ability or anything else.

When one turns another person into an object which possesses certain physical characteristics they are not looking for the person who is going to be best suited to be one's life long companion.

I stand by my comments. I've been married to the same woman for fifty years next week. Trust me, the least important thing in that entire time is whether she was a virgin when she married me.
I don't care if you've been married 80 years - it still wouldn't give you the right to tell someone else they are married to the wrong person.
 
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I don't care if you've been married 80 years - it still wouldn't give you the right to tell someone else they are married to the wrong person.

Good thing I didn't ask you, huh?

I responded to something that was freely brought here for discussion. I gave my advise. She is free to accept it or not.
 
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