Verbally & Emotionally abusive parents

[rdonovan1]

I was just wondering if anyone might happen to have any suggestions as to how to effectively deal with parents that are verbally & emotionally abusive and that seem to have major problems accepting that what they are doing is not only wrong, but that it is effecting my self-esteem & my sense of self-worth.

I have been trying to deal with this for a long time now and as a result I have been trying to read books that will help to not only understand it better, but to also overcome it as well and everytime that I try to talk to them about it in any way they immediately accuse me of being crazy and then end up denying that there is even any kind of a problem.

I just thought that I would ask because at the moment I just do not know as to where to turn to get help with this issue outside of this board, my church and of course all of my books and the martial arts.

 

[Ariel]

Hello rdonovan,

I grew up with abusive parents also. The only strategies I have found to be effective has been to first of all help myself by realizing that God loves me and I am precious to Him.

Therefore, because God loves me, because I am His precious daughter, NO ONE has the right to abuse me in any way. Therefore it is right for me to take steps to protect myself by withdrawing, if need be.

Jesus told us to forgive, Matt. 6:14-15, but He never told us to hang around and take abuse. Jesus Himself withdrew to the wilderness when He knew the Pharisees were after Him.

So first strategy: don't allow your parents to abuse you, withdraw when they are like that.

Second, when you do interact with them, be kind, be gracious. Treat them with honor, but also expect them to treat you with honor as well. Give them good words, kind words, honest praise and gratitude.

I discovered that kind words take the wind out of many abusive people's sails, kindness stops them in their tracts--before they become abusive. So when I interact with my parent today, I am always kind, encouraging, loving. That has worked extremely well.

I hope this helps. I am praying for you.

 

[rdonovan1]

Hello rdonovan,

I grew up with abusive parents also. The only strategies I have found to be effective has been to first of all help myself by realizing that God loves me and I am precious to Him.

Therefore, because God loves me, because I am His precious daughter, NO ONE has the right to abuse me in any way. Therefore it is right for me to take steps to protect myself by withdrawing, if need be.

Jesus told us to forgive, Matt. 6:14-15, but He never told us to hang around and take abuse. Jesus Himself withdrew to the wilderness when He knew the Pharisees were after Him.

So first strategy: don't allow your parents to abuse you, withdraw when they are like that.

Second, when you do interact with them, be kind, be gracious. Treat them with honor, but also expect them to treat you with honor as well. Give them good words, kind words, honest praise and gratitude.

I discovered that kind words take the wind out of many abusive people's sails, kindness stops them in their tracts--before they become abusive. So when I interact with my parent today, I am always kind, encouraging, loving. That has worked extremely well.

I hope this helps. I am praying for you.

I'm trying not to let it effect me but it is not very easy to do as neither of them really seem to listen to me about things that are happening in the world like the economy and other related things.

I did not know that my family had a history of verbal and emotional abuse until after I got involved in studying seduction and attraction and through that as an attempt to change myself and my life I found out that there is a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse in my family, but unfortunately my parents just don't want to hear it or even accept it and instead they continually want to blame me for everything that happens and that is really starting to tick me off.

My mother has at least acknowledged things a little bit, but my father absolutely will not even consider the fact that because of him being absent in my life many of the problems that I have now stem back to his absense in my life and all of the verbal and emotional abuse that has gone on and when I try to address the issue at all they both tend to look at me like I am crazy and instead of hearing and accepting the truth for what it is they deny that it ever existed and instead they tend to turn it all around on me by accusing me of being crazy, lazy, stupid and every other foul word in the book that they can think of and they have even gone so far as to call the police in the past and to try to get me locked up by telling them that I am mentally ill, suicidal or some other crap like that when they both know that is not even remotely true.

I tend to try to look at life as the glass being half full and that you can do anything that you really wish to do. You may not have the skills or the experience to accomplish your goals right away but with education and persistence along with a strong belief in yourself, then you can do anything that you wish to do in life as long as it is legal and positive.

That's how I tend to look at things, but my parents tend to see that as some kind of mental illness instead of something positive and that really irritates the hell out of me when they do and makes me tend to think that they are the ones that are mentally ill.

What I don't get is as to why they are both so shallow and negative all of the time.

 

[Ariel]

Wow, I've been there. Because of it I don't even argue anymore, or say anything about past abuse. I am convinced that my one remaining parent, my mother, just can't remember it.

According to her, abuse never happened.

So, I just don't talk about it with her. I know it happened, my memory is excellent, but she is unable to remember it--maybe she's blocked it.

Instead I've chosen to forgive her and move on. I was in counseling for years, but I don't need counseling anymore.

I have also realized that my mother was not able to love me, because she was emotionally crippled herself. It's a good thing that even as a nine-year-old I loved and cared for my younger siblings. They've grown up to be sane, normal people, but I had to deal with the crippling abuse they never knew, I was the "black sheep" who took it for them. I am also the one who attempted to counsel my dad when I was 14, and keep the peace between my parents. My psychologist said that I became an adult and a parent before I was mature enough to do so, my childhood was cut short.

Today I am no longer a parent to my younger brother and sister, now I'm a mother to my mother. I am there to love her, support her, and give her honest praise and kind words. I don't talk about the past--she can't remember it. I also don't allow her to abuse me.

I believe that although I couldn't help what was done to me, I can grow beyond it, and I can be what my mother was never able to be.

We are survivors, we can forgive and heal, and reach out in kindness.

I am praying for you.

 

[rdonovan1]

Hello rdonovan,

I grew up with abusive parents also. The only strategies I have found to be effective has been to first of all help myself by realizing that God loves me and I am precious to Him.

Therefore, because God loves me, because I am His precious daughter, NO ONE has the right to abuse me in any way. Therefore it is right for me to take steps to protect myself by withdrawing, if need be.

Jesus told us to forgive, Matt. 6:14-15, but He never told us to hang around and take abuse. Jesus Himself withdrew to the wilderness when He knew the Pharisees were after Him.

So first strategy: don't allow your parents to abuse you, withdraw when they are like that.

Second, when you do interact with them, be kind, be gracious. Treat them with honor, but also expect them to treat you with honor as well. Give them good words, kind words, honest praise and gratitude.

I discovered that kind words take the wind out of many abusive people's sails, kindness stops them in their tracts--before they become abusive. So when I interact with my parent today, I am always kind, encouraging, loving. That has worked extremely well.

I hope this helps. I am praying for you.

I am just wondering as to what you did to overcome it all and as to whether or not you ever developed trust issues because of things that your parents did to you.

I was just wondering because I am really [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off at my parents right now because of the way that they have treated me all of my life and I am really getting sick and tired of them trying to control me all beause they have problems of their own that they need to work out with the help of a professional counselor.

Maybe I am wrong, but I personally think that I have every right to be angry with both of my parents for the way that they have treated me all of my life.

 

[rdonovan1]

I am pretty sure that everything that I have been introduced to is Gods way of helping to empower me to fight back and to overcome it all because in my family it has been pretty severe and I just can't continue to let it go on anymore as that just is not healthy nor is it reasonable for them to continue to expect me to cover for their mistakes and failures all of the time.

 

[bliz]

Stay away from them. They are toxic and because of previous exposure, you are particularly at risk of being hurt by them. Spend as little time as possible with them.

 

[Ariel]

I am just wondering as to what you did to overcome it all and as to whether or not you ever developed trust issues because of things that your parents did to you.

I was just wondering because I am really [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off at my parents right now because of the way that they have treated me all of my life and I am really getting sick and tired of them trying to control me all beause they have problems of their own that they need to work out with the help of a professional counselor.

Maybe I am wrong, but I personally think that I have every right to be angry with both of my parents for the way that they have treated me all of my life.

Well, when I began dealing with the physical, emotional and sexual abuse from childhood, that's exactly the way I felt: I was angry.

It took me a while to stop blaming myself for their behavior, which is what they had done all my life. It also took a while to throw off the guilt that had been put on me. I came to a place where I realized 1) that I was not to blame for their behavior, and 2) that I did not have to allow to let them hurt me.

The Lord helped as well. Even as an adult, my mom would call me up and say devastating, hurtful things. I would cringe as if I was still a little child, I'd even cry. One day the Lord spoke to me about what was happening. He showed me my heart as a city that was broken down and without walls. I saw missiles coming into my heart--that city--and I had no defenses.

I told the Lord, well, I'll just be like the flower on the heal of the person who stepped on it, still giving off the fragrance of forgiveness. The Lord asked me, "When will you bear fruit?" It was then I saw it. If the flower keeps on getting crushed, it will never go to fruit. My self esteem and confidence had been completely crushed as a child, and I was still letting that happen.

The Lord counseled me to cut off all contact with my mother, which I did, for nine months. During that time I built my walls. Only when I felt so led did I write to her, and then I was very kind, and gracious. BUT when she became abusive, my walls would go up--finally, I had walls. I would say, "There she goes again." I no longer internalized her words and let them hurt me. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks," Jesus said. I realized that what she was saying was coming out of her heart, therefore, it was more true of her than of me. She was talking about herself.

Today I am kind to her and gracious, but I will not allow her to abuse me anymore. If she does, I withdraw. For the last couple of years I have not had to withdraw, though. Finally, our relationship is healthy.

 

[rdonovan1]

Stay away from them. They are toxic and because of previous exposure, you are particularly at risk of being hurt by them. Spend as little time as possible with them.

You are probably right. I was trying to get my father to help me with a legal issue because he is an attorney, but because of his attitude I am just going to have to assume that the people that lied to me and that messed things up for me were actually telling the truth.

I should have known better than to believe that my father could ever change at all.

I grew up without him in my life.

 

[bliz]

I'm so sorry. The unmet needs of childhood (need of a father, for example) stay in our lives for a very long time and keep cropping up well into adulthood. You might try and have some of those needs me through other outlets that are save and non-toxic.

 

[rdonovan1]

I'm so sorry. The unmet needs of childhood (need of a father, for example) stay in our lives for a very long time and keep cropping up well into adulthood. You might try and have some of those needs me through other outlets that are save and non-toxic.

That is a very good idea and that is why I am not only on this forum, but it is also as to why I am trying to get back into the martial arts, trying to start my own e-commerce businesses, and in trying to get more into the dating scene.

I guess that you could say that I am very ambitious and very determined about getting what I want out of life and I am not going to settle for second best.

I am sick and tired of the way that my life has been in the past and I am trying to do everything that I can to turn both myself and my life around for the positive and I really don't care as to whether other people like it or not because just like the business concept of the Pareto Principle states you can only please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time.

Basically I am sick and tired of being everyone's doormat and I am not going to take it anymore.

 

[gibs0n]

how old are your parents 80s? 90s?

 

[savingme09]

First of all, I would like to say that I am sorry that you are struggling with this issue.

A few thoughts:

1) Please let go of wanting to convince your parents that your version of events is the right one. You know what truly happened and it sounds as if it is simply too threatening to them to consider that they might have been abusive. Also understand that one of the most common forms of emotional abuse is "gaslighting" or "crazy-making" behavior- trying to turn an issue around so that the other person feels as if they are going crazy. By continuing in this battle, not only are you not gaining any ground, but you are increasing your own anger and you are once again allowing the emotional abuse to continue.

2) As long as you allow yourself to feel anger about their actions or their treatment of you, you are allowing them to have control over you. As the saying goes, "He who angers you controls you." It also follows that no one can hurt you without your permission. Refuse to internalize their negative and hurtful statements and behavior. Just because they say it doesn't make it so.

3) Set clear and firm boundaries for how you will allow yourself to be treated. As Ariel said so well, take time away to allow yourself to heal from the abuse. Interact with them on your terms. State your boundaries and enforce them as necessary. Be consistent and realize that it may take many, many times of enforcing your boundaries for them to understand that you are serious and that you will not compromise in this area.

4) Spend time with positive, encouraging people, and find a place where you can vent your frustrations.

5) Resist the temptation to treat them with disrespect. It keeps you engaged in the same unhealthy patterns of interaction.

6) Forgive them and let go. Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Being angry at them is only taking away from your happiness and keeping you stuck in the same patterns of behavior. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to pretend that nothing happened or that their actions were "ok." Forgiveness is about letting go of negativity as a means of self-preservation because anger and bitterness tend to eat away at us over time. Anger is a normal emotion and we have every right to be angry if we so choose. However, that anger, regardless of how justified it might be, comes at a personal cost. Is it worth the cost to hold on to the anger and outrage and indignation at the expense of our happiness and peace?

I realize that all of this is much easier said than done. I have worked with many clients over the years who have been victims of various types of trauma, abuse, and neglect, and few things are as hurtful as parental abuse and rejection. Our parents are supposed to be the people we can turn to for support and encouragement even if the rest of the world turns its back on us. When they aren't able to provide this unconditional love and support, it can affect every other relationship in our lives if we allow it to do so. The good news is that God is always there to be our comfort and support. I hope that you are able to find peace and healing through Him.

 

[Pro_Photog1970]

rdonovan, there's a lot of good advice in these replies. When I read your post, I immediately related to you, because I was stuck in the "anger-hatred-bitterness" mode for well over 30 years (10 years of which I couldn't get away because I was under-age). My parents called me "worthless" just because I couldn't understand science and mathematics. They kept calling me "stupid" and wouldn't listen to my viewpoints.

Finally I married "Featherbelle" (my wife's name on this board) and she opened me up to the fact that I was being abused. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I have forgiven my parents, but as another poster has said, I have done what I can to separate myself from my parents. I am no longer going to take their vile, hateful speech and have it affect my life any longer.

Do what needs to be done. Separate yourself from them. Go seek counsel from a pro-bono lawyer (you don't necessarily have to go to your father for legal counsel). And forgive them (for yourself) so that you no longer carry the hatred of them. As another poster said, hatred is like you drinking poison hoping the other person will die.

God bless you, and give you strength.

 

[Luv2sing33]

As someone who has gone through the same thing as a child, the best advice I can give you is to let go of trying to change the way your parents think about the situation. You know in your heart exactly what happened and what was done and you can't change the way they see it in their mind.

I used to have a lot of of bitterness and hatred towards my stepmom and the hurt she had caused me. I still struggle with it even as an adult but I'm slowly realizing to let it go. I've always struggled with the same issue as you and I've come to realize now that I'm older- that just because I had a hard time as a child, doesn't mean I have to let the past affect the present or the future. I've taken my past as a learning experience and am slowly learning that I can let go of all the hurt and pain that I was caused and grown from it.

I know it's easier said than done, but continue doing what you're doing... talking to your pastor, praying about the situation, and realize you didn't do anything wrong. That God loves you so much and is ALWAYS there for you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Really what helped me stay strong was knowing that God was always there for me to lean on. He was my rock when I needed it most and I hope he gives you piece when it comes to this situation.

 

[myanchor]

Wow, bro, I can relate to much of what you said. The book how we love helped me to understand my broken patterns of relating to my DW and kids. And how my parents though they were dorks too, they had their own brokenness from their family of origin. And definitely walk away when they get abusive, hang up the phone, change your number, don't answer when they call, don't visit. After a while of this they will either start to respect you or you will actually be free from the garbage for the first time in your life. I cut my parents off for a while and they started to respect me and my boundaries. I still had to say I'll talk to you later at times or laugh at the ways my mother tried to guilt trip me and manipulate me. She got so mad at me when I did that, but I didn't care, I needed to take care of me.