urgent advice needed asap

[mommiefrog]

Earlier today I opened my bathroom door to find my 12 yr old step daughter undressed from the waist up sitting on the floor with my three year old daughter. The twelve year old claims the three year old wanted to put lotion on her back. I know this was more the twelve year olds idea than the three year olds. I was upset, to say the least, that she was undressed in front of my daughter. When futher questioning my three year old I learned that the lotion was not just being applied to the twelve year olds back but also to the "belly" which, according to my three year old, included the entire front side of the body.

My question? What do I do? IN my opinion, having a child touch you in a 'private' area such as the breast is sexual misconduct. I feel like my three year old, although she didn't know it was wrong, was being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Is this not something I should be concerned about? I know that when I talk to my husband about this he is going to tell me that I am overreacting and that I am jumping to conclusions because of who it is. Personally, I wouldn't care who had my child touch them I would want to seriously harm them. It has taken all I have not to say or do something drastic tonight. I am to the point that if hubby doesn't do something or say something I will pack up my kids and leave. I need serious prayer and major advice here. Please let me know as soon as possible if any of you can help me. Feel free to tell me I am just being overprotective and I am overreacting. It will take alot to convince myself but it would help if others told me. If you don't think I am overreacting and you think I have a right to be upset please let me know what you would do in this or similiar situations.

Angela

 

[ephraimanesti]

Earlier today I opened my bathroom door to find my 12 yr old step daughter undressed from the waist up sitting on the floor with my three year old daughter. The twelve year old claims the three year old wanted to put lotion on her back. I know this was more the twelve year olds idea than the three year olds. I was upset, to say the least, that she was undressed in front of my daughter. When futher questioning my three year old I learned that the lotion was not just being applied to the twelve year olds back but also to the "belly" which, according to my three year old, included the entire front side of the body.

My question? What do I do? IN my opinion, having a child touch you in a 'private' area such as the breast is sexual misconduct. I feel like my three year old, although she didn't know it was wrong, was being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Is this not something I should be concerned about? I know that when I talk to my husband about this he is going to tell me that I am overreacting and that I am jumping to conclusions because of who it is. Personally, I wouldn't care who had my child touch them I would want to seriously harm them. It has taken all I have not to say or do something drastic tonight. I am to the point that if hubby doesn't do something or say something I will pack up my kids and leave. I need serious prayer and major advice here. Please let me know as soon as possible if any of you can help me. Feel free to tell me I am just being overprotective and I am overreacting. It will take alot to convince myself but it would help if others told me. If you don't think I am overreacting and you think I have a right to be upset please let me know what you would do in this or similiar situations.

Angela

MY DEAR SISTER IN CHRIST,

i would seriously recommended that you get this situation evaluated by a Professional--a child psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or someone with similar expertise. This could be serious or it could be nothing, and i believe you should obtain an expert opinion before reacting. You appear to have done well in controlling your reactions to this situation thus far, and i Pray that you will continue to do so until the situation becomes clearer.
Your Family Doctor would probably be the best source of referrals for a child psychologist or other professional help. I would also talk to your Pastor/Elder/Priest, or whoever you are under the Spiritual authority of to get their input, assistance, and support as well.
i will be praying for God to resolve this situation in a Loving manner, to the best interests of all concerned. MAY YOU ALL BE BLESSED!

MUCH LOVE IN CHRIST,
ephraimanesti

 

[Johnnz]

Don't panic.

Have a quiet talk with your 12 year old. Ask her for her account of what was happening. It is quite likely she has become aware of her development and that can lead to curiosity and some early experimenting. She may want affirmation that she is developing OK. Talk through those issues quietly and sensibly. After that you can talk about what is and what insn't appropriate. You need to get into her wavelength and confidence. If she has some sexual curioisity, which need not be at all unhealthy, she may experiment elsewhere. Better to be open and realistic with her, and let her know that adults and especially parents can talk about sex too.

John
NZ

 

[fragglerocker]

I have no right to judge, as I am not in the situation, but I do have a few suggestions.

When I was 10 my mother remarried, and he had a step-son. This boy tried to and did do very inappropriate and unacceptable things to me, including repeated fondling and exposing himself to me. I was 10 years old, old enough to know this behavior was not right but too afraid of my rather violent step-father to tell my mother what was going on. I finally confessed what had been happening when I was 16, several years later. Those six years were filled with dread and horrible disgust for my home life and even myself. I became severely depressed and had problems even befriending males until I was 16-17.

I am telling you this because I tried to tell my mother, and she wouldn't listen. To her and my step-father, this boy's behavior was simply "brotherly affection." They were very deeply in denial. Even after my mother accepted that I was being abused, she refused to leave the marriage. I went through horrible fear and hatred until I left my home and went to college. I couldn't even kiss a boy until I was 18 years old. To this day I have horrible nightmares about this boy and my mother's unwillingness to put me and my needs first.

I am not going to tell you if what you saw was molestation or abusive behavior, because I was not there. But I know what I have experienced, and I know the pain a child--even a very young child--can experience for years, even long after the abusive behavior is stopped. You say you are willing to take your daughter and leave. While I will not tell you to jump to conclusions and do this, I will beg you to PLEASE retain this attitude. Please keep your eyes and ears way open to protect your daughter, and be ready to flee the situation if it becomes clear that it is a dangerous situation for her. Please do not turn a blind eye to this situation as my mother did. If your husband will tell you you are "overreacting," then I would suggest speaking to a professional--a counselor or a psychologist--for an outside, objective opinion. Your husband may be in denial of his daughter's wrong behavior, as my step-father was (and still is to this day).

But please, please do not let this situation fall by the wayside. Incest and molestation are incredibly serious and devastating abuses for all involved, but especially for the child being abused. Be your daughter's protector, for no one else will be.

 

[goldenviolet]

because of the age gap, this is very innapropriate. is it a normal thing for this twelve year old to make such big judgement errors?

or is there very clear privacy and bathroom rules?

you can sit everyone down and make very clear privacy rules. or reaffirm them.
three years old is not too young.

i'd deffinately get an appoinment for a counsellor to talk to your child. professionals are much better than the parents (on this suject). at exsploring motives and determining what action should be pursued.

don't leave them un attended for long periods of time (other room right now is not a good idea)... don't make it obvious though.

God bless you. if you need to talk, pm me.

love dee

 

[fishstix]

You should certainly sit down with your 12 year old step-daughter and let her know that this is inappropriate, and that as the older of the two children, she is responsible for keeping things like inappropriate touching from happening, even if it was the 3 year old's idea. Certainly let her father know what happened and that you are going to have a chat with her about it. But as the parent of the same gender as the 12-year old, it'll probably be better if you are the one who actually has the conversation with her. And although it's understandable that you are quite upset about the whole situation, you'll probably get farther if you try to stay as calm as possible when discussing the matter with each of the people involved.

You should also sit down with your 3 year old, and make sure that she understands that there are some places that aren't ok to touch and that she should come and tell you right away if anyone tries to touch her in those places or asks her to touch them in those places. Find out from her whether anything else happened as well. Make sure that she doesn't think that she is in trouble though, because you want her to come and tell you if something happens, not to be scared of getting in trouble.

There is a chance that it was an innocent mistake and the 12-year old just wasn't thinking about the fact that there was inappropriate touch going on. She may not even realize that her body is no longer a little girl's body, and may not see any difference between changing in front of other girls her age in the locker room at school and having her little sister see her less than dressed. This could especially be the case if she hasn't had a mother to have chats with her about that kind of thing. On the other hand, she might have known exactly what she was doing.

You'll have to do some chatting with both girls to find out how bad the situation is. If it turns out that there is more to the situation than the 12-year old just not thinking, then you might indeed want to remove your children from that environment or at the very least, keep a closer eye on the older child.

 

[harvester]

i think your not overreacting... and surely you should be concerned about it.

just pray for GOD's intervention...

 

[bliz]

You should certainly sit down with your 12 year old step-daughter and let her know that this is inappropriate, and that as the older of the two children, she is responsible for keeping things like inappropriate touching from happening, even if it was the 3 year old's idea. Certainly let her father know what happened and that you are going to have a chat with her about it. But as the parent of the same gender as the 12-year old, it'll probably be better if you are the one who actually has the conversation with her. And although it's understandable that you are quite upset about the whole situation, you'll probably get farther if you try to stay as calm as possible when discussing the matter with each of the people involved.

You should also sit down with your 3 year old, and make sure that she understands that there are some places that aren't ok to touch and that she should come and tell you right away if anyone tries to touch her in those places or asks her to touch them in those places. Find out from her whether anything else happened as well. Make sure that she doesn't think that she is in trouble though, because you want her to come and tell you if something happens, not to be scared of getting in trouble.

There is a chance that it was an innocent mistake and the 12-year old just wasn't thinking about the fact that there was inappropriate touch going on. She may not even realize that her body is no longer a little girl's body, and may not see any difference between changing in front of other girls her age in the locker room at school and having her little sister see her less than dressed. This could especially be the case if she hasn't had a mother to have chats with her about that kind of thing. On the other hand, she might have known exactly what she was doing.

You'll have to do some chatting with both girls to find out how bad the situation is. If it turns out that there is more to the situation than the 12-year old just not thinking, then you might indeed want to remove your children from that environment or at the very least, keep a closer eye on the older child.

This is excellent advice. So much depends upon how the 12 year old sees herself. There are 12 year olds who play with dolls, and other 12 year olds who want to doll up for boys. There are 12 year olds who are flat as an ironing board and 12 year olds who are wearing bras. Some 12 year olds are very aware of their sexuality and others haven't a clue. Where is this little girl?

 

[snoochface]

Everyone has given excellent advice already, so I'll just add one more thing for your consideration.

Most of the time, when a child acts inappropriately in a sexual manner, it is because someone acted inappropriately with them first. It is learned and repeated behavior. Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.

I'm not saying the 12 year old was molesting your 3 year old. But if - IF - it is determined, after all the discussion and investigating is complete, that there was something going on, just remember there's a very good chance the 12 year old had something similar happen to her at some point in her life. You need to do what you can to find out what, if anything, happened to her, and get her talking about it with a professional.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

there's a very good chance the 12 year old had something similar happen to her at some point in her life.

I completely agree! I would sit down with you husband and tell him your concerns for his daughter. Don't approach it as a way to protect only your daughter but his daughter as well. The fact that it was in the bathroom says that their was a need for privacy. So even though the 12 year old may not realize what was going on she on some level knew it had to be done in private.

 

[soblessed53]

You should certainly sit down with your 12 year old step-daughter and let her know that this is inappropriate, and that as the older of the two children, she is responsible for keeping things like inappropriate touching from happening, even if it was the 3 year old's idea. Certainly let her father know what happened and that you are going to have a chat with her about it. But as the parent of the same gender as the 12-year old, it'll probably be better if you are the one who actually has the conversation with her. And although it's understandable that you are quite upset about the whole situation, you'll probably get farther if you try to stay as calm as possible when discussing the matter with each of the people involved.

You should also sit down with your 3 year old, and make sure that she understands that there are some places that aren't ok to touch and that she should come and tell you right away if anyone tries to touch her in those places or asks her to touch them in those places. Find out from her whether anything else happened as well. Make sure that she doesn't think that she is in trouble though, because you want her to come and tell you if something happens, not to be scared of getting in trouble.

There is a chance that it was an innocent mistake and the 12-year old just wasn't thinking about the fact that there was inappropriate touch going on. She may not even realize that her body is no longer a little girl's body, and may not see any difference between changing in front of other girls her age in the locker room at school and having her little sister see her less than dressed. This could especially be the case if she hasn't had a mother to have chats with her about that kind of thing. On the other hand, she might have known exactly what she was doing.

You'll have to do some chatting with both girls to find out how bad the situation is. If it turns out that there is more to the situation than the 12-year old just not thinking, then you might indeed want to remove your children from that environment or at the very least, keep a closer eye on the older child.

Excellent advice! I would just add,that I have to wonder where did a 12 yr. old girl get such an idea herself? Does she have older brothers? I cannot help but agree with the poster who suspects the 12 yr. old has been abused herself. Children are not sexual,unless they have been shown. Not female ones,anyway. I also agree with goldenviolet on the making strict bathroom privacy rules.

 

[chijioke]

Your reaction so far is in order. My advise is that you try and establish the real intention of the 12year old. She might be discovering her body changes. If this is the case,then you as a mother have to educate her of these changes and God's views regarding our bodies. Furthermore, try and earn the trust of the 12 yr old so she could open up to you just incase she is experimenting.

For the 3 year old,She is unaware of the implications of her actions. All the same talk to her on good conduct so that she understands that there are some areas that people are not supposed to touch and that she should come and tell you whenever someone does that to her or asks her to do just that.

Finally, you need to talk it over with your husband as a matter of concern for both children.
May God grant you wisdom on this issue. Amen

 

[mommiefrog]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I did talk with my husband. He actually didn't think I was overreacting and he agreed that someone should talk to the twelve year old. I was molested as a child and I know how horrible it can be. I would never want anyone to go through that ever, especially not a child in my care.

I want to seek professional help for the twelve year old but my husband wants to deal with it privately and amongst ourselves. Is this wise? Wouldn't it be better to get counseling of some kind?

I know that she knows the behavior was wrong and inappropriate. If she didn't know this on some level she would not have went into the bathroom and closed the door. She also would not have quickly tried to cover herself when I opened the door.

With the was my relationship is with her I don't know if it is a great idea that I be the one to talk to her. My husband said he spoke briefly with her this morning. I have a feeling it was really much of a discussion.

I told him that I wouldn't do anything drastic. I did however tell him that if it EVER happened again I would leave. I have the three year old and a two year old that I do not want exposed to the kind of sexual molestation that I dealt with as a preteen. I will not stay in a situation that could potentially harm my children.

I also suspected that the twelve year old had at some point been molested. I agree that most young girls are not sexual unless they have had some type of experience with it. There are a lot of signs that she exhibits that I never really picked up on before. Now that I am aware of them and have brought them to my husbands attention I feel somewhat better. Perhaps he will get to the truth with her.

I did talk to my three year old also, as much as I could, about inappropriate touching and that we do not allow other people to touch us in private areas. She seems to understand and I want to keep the lines of communication open with her. I want to know if anything else happens as soon as it happens.

The real thing that puzzles me is what would make a 12 yr old want a 3 yr old to first of all see her without clothes on, and secondly want her touch her? I don't believe that it was just an experimental thing and that she was just curious. IF she was just curious wouldn't she have just done the touching herself?

Thank you again for all the advice. Please keep me and my family in your prayers.

 

[bliz]

If the 12 year old was molested, it was probably in a family situation. You need to give some thought to family gatherings with your husband's side of the family and who in that family you let near your kids.

Meanwhile... you have some major family work to do. You have a lot of years ahead with this blended family and both you can't keep seeing two families in your household. Perhaps there needs to be some counseling for everyone involved. It seems farily clear by your tone that you do not love this girl, and that is probably something she needs a great deal of, more than her father alone can provide. I know you do not feel very loving to her right now, but that is usually when we need to be loved the most.

 

[plmarquette]

What movies are they watching with you at home ? are they acting out some thing they saw on MTV , Movie , Soap Opera .... ?

My son got in trouble for grabbing himself , and saying " uh-huh-know what I mean " which was from a movie his sister liked ... Bettlejuice ... he thought it was funny , because others laughed , not that he understood the " inuendo " portrayed by " checking his package ... "

a thought

 

[Avaya]

Not experience with the touching, but based on my experience with my stepdaughter doing things I don't approve of, I have found that it's most effective to confront her AND her father together. I focus my conversation on my stepdaughter but make sure my husband is there with us. I want to make sure that he knows what's going on, that he is a witness to the conversation (in my case there have been cases when her mother got a slightly different version of my point and mom thinks it's okay to 'tattle' to my husband. If he's witness, he can defend me more easily). AND I find that when I do this, my sd takes the situation more seriously when she sees that me and dad are in agreement. Sometimes I 'warn' him first. Sometimes I don't. In your case, I would not warn him first. I'd sit the family down and go something like this: "Daddy, yesterday I walked into the bathroom and SD had her top off and had D rubbing lotion on her back and front. SD, I don't think this is something you should be doing, even if it was D's idea. D, you aren't' supposed to touch other people in that way "(although I do think it's okay to rub lotion on a loved one's back, so I don't know how you go about that). I would NOT make a big deal of it. I think this would be enough to let sd know that you mean business. Above all, I would not let this incident change how you treat your sd - that would only cause strain in your marriage, it would harm the relationship between the sisters, and it could push your sd into more frustration (she's in puberty and changing and she needs Acceptance!!!!!) if indeed that is what fueled this to begin with. I'd just keep my eyes open and pay attention.

And on second thought, I might just not discuss it - maybe tell your husband the facts but not the feelings - and just pay attention.

 

[Silent Enigma]

I'll just say that I didn't think you overreacted. Something definitely needs to be done. The 12 yrs needs good counseling or something to deal with her (assumed) past.

 

[RomanPrincess]

honestly i don't think it was anything sexual...i believe it was innocent and the only thing going on was just that..she was applying lotion and nothing more was happening.