Update on Unequally Yoked Marraige

[sara700]

Hi Guys:

I had to post God's blessing over my life and liberation from at least some and hopefully all of my unequally yoked struggle. In response to another thread in the spiritual warfare section, I went over it so I'll just put the info here for you guys to read.

You guys have been there for me w/ your prayers, advice and blessings when no one else cared and I wanted you guys to know what was happening in my life:

I have just received an incredible liberation from a bondage I've been experiencing being a Christian.

Though I became a Christian, my husband still is not so it's been hard. He has also been looking at other women which has been hurting me. But, I realized that my anger due to his behavior and our other many differences has caused me to daydream about a wonderful kind loving faithful Christian man that I would one day be with after my divorce. Or I'd go on eharmony to meet that perfect match b/c I'd felt like due to the problems me and my husband were having, we were sure to get divorced.

Without even realizing it, I had begun to sin in my heart against my husband, and felt completely validated b/c of what I perceived my husband's behaviour to be.

And, I realized that I may not be able to change him, but I can at least change the lust in my heart for this imaginary fantasy guy I had dreamed up. And, I tell you, it's like walls have fallen down. I went online and read tons of stuff about lust and even lust addiction. And once I found out my reasoning, I don't even care what my husband does anymore. In fact I forgive him.

I've realized that the reason that I have had this fantasy in the first place is that I was afraid to be alone. It's like I've always wanted a relationship and when I get one and it's not perfect; I want that perfect relationship and felt slighted when it's not.

Well, I realized what about just having that perfect relationship w/ Christ? If He wants me to be married, He will marry me, and I already am married b/c Christ wanted me to be in the relationship I'm currently in. He wants me to work for His Glory where I am.

Now that I realize that it doesn't matter if I'm married or single and that my relationship with Christ is more important than any other relationship I will have on this earth (husband and family come second); I just don't care if I'm cheated out of the ideal marraige. And my husband's sinning doesn't have the same effect on me b/c I know that it's b/c he doesn't know and understand Christ and I also know that he (my husband) will or already is suffering from his sin and will feel just as repentent and embarrassed of himself when he finally recognizes his need for a savior and how many people he's hurt with his sin. I don't know if he (my husband) will realize these things in this life or the next; but I know the Bible says that "one day every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess the name of the Lord."

Now I realize that even if I find myself single again. I'm just going to be w/ Christ. If He chooses a husband for me so be it. And, you know what, understanding the root of my sin causes me not to care about my husband's behavior as much. I'm reminded of the quote that asks why you tell your brother about the speck of dirt in his eye when I had a block of wood in my own.

Of course if there is physical adultery, I'm not staying in the marraige....You may even think your motivations to continue in this sin are Christian or Godly. I just kept thinking to myself, I would be a good wife to someone who appreciated me. I felt completely validated.

So ask God .... I think it's b/c God understood my heart and knew that I was completely ignorant of it. And he also knew I was having a really hard time in a marraige to a difficult person (my husband loves death metal and everything that goes along with that). But, I have suffered intense longing and depression b/c of my sin and didn't know what to do about it.....

And for those of you who are considering getting into an unequally yoked situation and may feel encouraged b/c I am writing about how God has blessed me with some peace, please understand that this saga has been going on for over a year and still continues.

And also understand that I'm still married to a man who listens to satanic death metal music and who curses and oggles other women in public.

Just because God has given me strength through the Holy Spirit to understand that I should be married to Him (God) and not my husband anyway, doesn't mean that you can bet He will give you the same peace in your circumstances.

In an unequally yoked marraige, there are so many problems that you can have. I think one of the most painful things is when you have an experience with God or at church that is wonderful and you come home to share it with the person who's supposed to be your best friend and they laugh at you or tell you that you're going crazy; or just don't respond at all. It's bad enough that the world is always against us as Christians; why would you choose to have someone with you all the time who thinks like the world?

You'll struggle over money, child rearing, sex, flirting, fashion, family obligations, traditions, morals, profanity, religion, entertainment, and the list goes on and on. And, who knows how many years it will last for you? Only God. Life is hard enough as it is, guys.

Please understand. Being unequally yoked is not something you should volunteer for. In fact the Bible warns against it.

But, so many people will heed the Bible's warnings on everything but their love life. And if you think about it, that's just human pride and sin creeping in. Sometimes we don't realize it b/c we've been Christians and many Christians justify it by saying that they are helping to show this person to Christ. But the reality is that they find something attractive about this person that makes them feel good about themselves while they are dating this person. They feel an ego stroke--again pride and sin.

I became a Christian 5 years into my relationship and had no choice in the matter of being unequally yoked. All I can do is warn you what a heartbreaking mistake it will be and that if you feel that you have to disobey God to show a person to Christ, your motives are probably self-centered. I'm not saying that to preach to you, but to ask you to really examine what you're doing and why. And once you've answered the why; are you really willing to risk the next 35-65 years of your life and possibly your children's entire foundational years on a person who is of the world to achieve this end?

 

[pete56]

Sara

Its good to hear that God has been good to you and that He is working in your life, thank you for sharing that.

The warnings you give are also very appropriate and I pray that those that need to hear them will read and heed your wise words.

I pray that you will continue to grow in your understanding of God's love for you (and your DH) and that His peace will garrison your heart and mind always.

Bless you

Pete

 

[kayd1966]

Sara...is so good to hear from you...I think and pray for you often. I'm glad to hear that God is giving you peace. Thank you for sharing!

God Bless...

 

[sara700]

Good to hear from you, Kay as well! Thank you for being there for me in some really dark times and for being kind enough to private message me before. Thank you also Pete for your kind words and prayers. By the way, what does DH mean?

 

[free4all]

Sara,

I didn't get to know you the last time around because I wasn't here yet, or was very new. It sounds like you've been through the ringer. (I don't know if that translates to other cultures--it means you've had an extremely difficult time, like your whole body went through the squeezing rolls of the old style washers, that are about 1/8 inch or 4 mm apart.)

To be deepened in our walk with Christ, even in the most difficult of circumstances, is spiritual victory. I've never known it to be easy or quick.

I understand about dreaming of the perfect marriage, about not wanting our marriage to have turned out how it turned out, and how counterproductive these thoughts are. But wow, you've listed some great spiritual truths in your post. Like how our relationship with Christ matters more than any relationship, how in perspective it doesn't matter if we feel cheated out of the ideal marriage, and how we can't change our mate's behavior, but we can change our own.

And your advice about being unequally yoked--words to the wise, noise to the not-so-wise. I think you have covered it all.

I'm glad you have come to this point in your marriage. It sounds like you have an eternal view of things. May you live in this place, or even greater places, for the duration as you move on into eternity. May we all.

Wayne

 

[pete56]

Sara

I'm sorry to use jargon without explaining - DH is Dear husband.

Pete

 

[sara700]

Sara,

I didn't get to know you the last time around because I wasn't here yet, or was very new. It sounds like you've been through the ringer. (I don't know if that translates to other cultures--it means you've had an extremely difficult time, like your whole body went through the squeezing rolls of the old style washers, that are about 1/8 inch or 4 mm apart.)

To be deepened in our walk with Christ, even in the most difficult of circumstances, is spiritual victory. I've never known it to be easy or quick.

I understand about dreaming of the perfect marriage, about not wanting our marriage to have turned out how it turned out, and how counterproductive these thoughts are. But wow, you've listed some great spiritual truths in your post. Like how our relationship with Christ matters more than any relationship, how in perspective it doesn't matter if we feel cheated out of the ideal marriage, and how we can't change our mate's behavior, but we can change our own.

And your advice about being unequally yoked--words to the wise, noise to the not-so-wise. I think you have covered it all.

I'm glad you have come to this point in your marriage. It sounds like you have an eternal view of things. May you live in this place, or even greater places, for the duration as you move on into eternity. May we all.

Wayne

Thank You Wayne! God Bless You!

 

[sara700]

Sara

I'm sorry to use jargon without explaining - DH is Dear husband.

Pete

oh okay, Pete. Thank you.

God I can't tell you what this board means to me today. I found real help here and have always felt real prayers when they were promised. Thank God for all of you! Kay, thank you for your consideration of a stranger and your outstretched hand and concern.

God Bless You All! Don't ever think you haven't helped anyone or that your prayers are in vain. B/c though they may not produce the results we were expecting or think we want. They are working towards God's plan for us! Things may not be perfect, but you guys have really made a difference in my life!

 

[lemon_drop]

Hi Guys:

I had to post God's blessing over my life and liberation from at least some and hopefully all of my unequally yoked struggle. In response to another thread in the spiritual warfare section, I went over it so I'll just put the info here for you guys to read.

You guys have been there for me w/ your prayers, advice and blessings when no one else cared and I wanted you guys to know what was happening in my life:

I have just received an incredible liberation from a bondage I've been experiencing being a Christian.

Though I became a Christian, my husband still is not so it's been hard. He has also been looking at other women which has been hurting me. But, I realized that my anger due to his behavior and our other many differences has caused me to daydream about a wonderful kind loving faithful Christian man that I would one day be with after my divorce. Or I'd go on eharmony to meet that perfect match b/c I'd felt like due to the problems me and my husband were having, we were sure to get divorced.

Without even realizing it, I had begun to sin in my heart against my husband, and felt completely validated b/c of what I perceived my husband's behaviour to be.

And, I realized that I may not be able to change him, but I can at least change the lust in my heart for this imaginary fantasy guy I had dreamed up. And, I tell you, it's like walls have fallen down. I went online and read tons of stuff about lust and even lust addiction. And once I found out my reasoning, I don't even care what my husband does anymore. In fact I forgive him.

I've realized that the reason that I have had this fantasy in the first place is that I was afraid to be alone. It's like I've always wanted a relationship and when I get one and it's not perfect; I want that perfect relationship and felt slighted when it's not.

Well, I realized what about just having that perfect relationship w/ Christ? If He wants me to be married, He will marry me, and I already am married b/c Christ wanted me to be in the relationship I'm currently in. He wants me to work for His Glory where I am.

Now that I realize that it doesn't matter if I'm married or single and that my relationship with Christ is more important than any other relationship I will have on this earth (husband and family come second); I just don't care if I'm cheated out of the ideal marraige. And my husband's sinning doesn't have the same effect on me b/c I know that it's b/c he doesn't know and understand Christ and I also know that he (my husband) will or already is suffering from his sin and will feel just as repentent and embarrassed of himself when he finally recognizes his need for a savior and how many people he's hurt with his sin. I don't know if he (my husband) will realize these things in this life or the next; but I know the Bible says that "one day every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess the name of the Lord."

Now I realize that even if I find myself single again. I'm just going to be w/ Christ. If He chooses a husband for me so be it. And, you know what, understanding the root of my sin causes me not to care about my husband's behavior as much. I'm reminded of the quote that asks why you tell your brother about the speck of dirt in his eye when I had a block of wood in my own.

Of course if there is physical adultery, I'm not staying in the marraige....You may even think your motivations to continue in this sin are Christian or Godly. I just kept thinking to myself, I would be a good wife to someone who appreciated me. I felt completely validated.

So ask God .... I think it's b/c God understood my heart and knew that I was completely ignorant of it. And he also knew I was having a really hard time in a marraige to a difficult person (my husband loves death metal and everything that goes along with that). But, I have suffered intense longing and depression b/c of my sin and didn't know what to do about it.....

And for those of you who are considering getting into an unequally yoked situation and may feel encouraged b/c I am writing about how God has blessed me with some peace, please understand that this saga has been going on for over a year and still continues.

And also understand that I'm still married to a man who listens to satanic death metal music and who curses and oggles other women in public.

Just because God has given me strength through the Holy Spirit to understand that I should be married to Him (God) and not my husband anyway, doesn't mean that you can bet He will give you the same peace in your circumstances.

In an unequally yoked marraige, there are so many problems that you can have. I think one of the most painful things is when you have an experience with God or at church that is wonderful and you come home to share it with the person who's supposed to be your best friend and they laugh at you or tell you that you're going crazy; or just don't respond at all. It's bad enough that the world is always against us as Christians; why would you choose to have someone with you all the time who thinks like the world?

You'll struggle over money, child rearing, sex, flirting, fashion, family obligations, traditions, morals, profanity, religion, entertainment, and the list goes on and on. And, who knows how many years it will last for you? Only God. Life is hard enough as it is, guys.

Please understand. Being unequally yoked is not something you should volunteer for. In fact the Bible warns against it.

But, so many people will heed the Bible's warnings on everything but their love life. And if you think about it, that's just human pride and sin creeping in. Sometimes we don't realize it b/c we've been Christians and many Christians justify it by saying that they are helping to show this person to Christ. But the reality is that they find something attractive about this person that makes them feel good about themselves while they are dating this person. They feel an ego stroke--again pride and sin.

I became a Christian 5 years into my relationship and had no choice in the matter of being unequally yoked. All I can do is warn you what a heartbreaking mistake it will be and that if you feel that you have to disobey God to show a person to Christ, your motives are probably self-centered. I'm not saying that to preach to you, but to ask you to really examine what you're doing and why. And once you've answered the why; are you really willing to risk the next 35-65 years of your life and possibly your children's entire foundational years on a person who is of the world to achieve this end?

I'd have to agree that it's better for me to marry a christian. However, I can't deny that I have heard of horrible marriages even between christians. My pastor and his wife recently split up. The reason is supposedly due to adultery. I have also heard of spousal abuse within christian marriages (my parent's former marriage being one example). Honestly, I believe that this issue is blown way out of proportion. It is not the unpardonable sin to marry an unbeliever (in fact, I can't say that it's a sin at all). Nor is it necessarily the end of my salvation if I'd marry an unbeliever.

At the same time, it is best for believers to marry believers. I desire to be married to another christian simply because I want someone who shares my faith. I would not expect a better man nor a better marriage for doing so though. I'll leave complete fulfillment to my relationship with Christ, not a christian marriage.

 

[pete56]

LemonDrop

You are right it is not a sin to marry a person that is not a believer, although if you receive a direct word from God to say this man/woman is not the one He wants you to marry that would be rebellion and would be a sin. But from my experience, and the experience of most of the people here at UY, it is a most difficult and uncomfortable position to be in! I am not saying that it leads to marriage break up any more than in other marriages (adultery and abuse affect all sorts of marriages) but it does lead to strife, arguments, friction and a sense of aloneness in a marriage.

Now it is entirely possible that believer marriages struggle with this too, I don't know I've not had that experience yet, but my understanding from those I know is that two believers when married are able to share so much more of their spiritual struggles and successes which as the spouse of an unbelievere I can not!

I urge you to reconsider your opinin before you find yourself in the position of having the choice, because as sure as eggs are eggs Satan will run an unbeliever by you very soon, if you think you can handle it! (That incidentally in case you missed it is pride. And that is a sin, and as scripture says - it comes before a fall!)

I hope you will revisit your bible and pray for God's heart on this matter rather than base your opinion upon a few broken marriages in Christian circles - we are all sinful people and prone to messing up, but that is not God's plan for us!

Pete

 

[lemon_drop]

LemonDrop

You are right it is not a sin to marry a person that is not a believer, although if you receive a direct word from God to say this man/woman is not the one He wants you to marry that would be rebellion and would be a sin. But from my experience, and the experience of most of the people here at UY, it is a most difficult and uncomfortable position to be in! I am not saying that it leads to marriage break up any more than in other marriages (adultery and abuse affect all sorts of marriages) but it does lead to strife, arguments, friction and a sense of aloneness in a marriage.

Now it is entirely possible that believer marriages struggle with this too, I don't know I've not had that experience yet, but my understanding from those I know is that two believers when married are able to share so much more of their spiritual struggles and successes which as the spouse of an unbelievere I can not!

I urge you to reconsider your opinin before you find yourself in the position of having the choice, because as sure as eggs are eggs Satan will run an unbeliever by you very soon, if you think you can handle it! (That incidentally in case you missed it is pride. And that is a sin, and as scripture says - it comes before a fall!)

I hope you will revisit your bible and pray for God's heart on this matter rather than base your opinion upon a few broken marriages in Christian circles - we are all sinful people and prone to messing up, but that is not God's plan for us!

Pete

Thank you, but I have revisited my Bible thus coming to the conclusion that I have. I personally do not believe in adding or taking anything away from the Bible (as I am sure you do not). Therefore, I will leave the concept of being unequally yoked to exactly what the passage is saying (and it says nothing of marriage). Many will say that it can be applied to marriage, but where does it end? There are people who take many bible passages and apply things that aren't stated (i.e, Deut. 22:5 supposedly means women can't wear pants, Some christians believe that an argument against christians attending movies can be applied to 2 Corinthians 6:17). For years I was dogmatic about christians/unbeliever marriages based on the concept of being unequally yoked (until I actually read the passage carefully and believe it or not prayerfully). Honestly, I see nothing scripturally worse for believer/unbeliever marriages than I do believers who divorce and remarry.

As for the difficulty, I became a christian as a teen. For a few years (my mother backslid big time when I was in grade school) I lived as a christian among non-christians. I endured ridicule (from mother and siblings), mocking, etc, all from my own family. I am still very much a christian so I know what it is like to live with loved ones who don't share a spiritual connection.

As for satan sending an unbeliever to cross my path, he already has and I expect he will again. But you know what, I don't worry. I prayed for God to give me strength and that man is no longer in my life. That particular guy was bad news. My flesh wanted the guy, but my heart wanted to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I believe that God moved him out of my life and I thank Him for it. Satan can bring whatever he wants. God always brings a way to escape. Who knows, God's escape next time may be the christian guy I have been waiting for all these years.

 

[pete56]

Lemon Drop

All I can say is I pray that God provides you with a good Christian man to marry soon!

Bless you

Pete