Update: Breakup - Wrestling with Depression

[Trayalc]

Hey everyone. I feel embarrassed to still be posting about this relationship and breakup that I had, but I honestly am still struggling with it all. This is going to be a long, long post, just to warn you.

It has still a very rough road for the past month, and that, I think, is largely because of having to stay in quarantine from all this crazy virus stuff. It has left me with so little distractions from the grief and so little community. I've had to face the grief, the negative thoughts, the depression head on 24/7, and I've felt that I've had to hide it because my family has basically told me that I need to get over it. Nearly every day I wake up and feel the need to tear myself down for having single-handedly destroyed the deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. I torture myself with thoughts of the worst-case scenario, that she could never love me again, that she must have lost all respect for me, that she loves this new guy more than she ever loved me, that she no longer cares, that I will never find that sort of connection ever again. Every day I agonize with longing for what we had, a longing to see her and to connect with her once again, and an intense regret for having been the one to end it all.

But the strange and unexplainable thing is, though I feel incredible regret for all that happened, I am not so sure that I would've made a different choice. I am not so sure I made the wrong choice. This makes utterly no sense in the grand scheme of how I've been feeling -- every day I beat myself down with uncontrolled, self-hating thoughts for having made this decision, but when it comes down to whether I would've made a different choice if I had the chance, I am not so sure I would have. I miss her, I long for every part of her and every part of what we had, and I have looked back every step of the way. But I know, and I get the sense, that I cannot afford to turn back. Though I look back, I know I cannot -- or should not -- turn back.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I certainly struggle to make sense of it. I've been crying out to God for answers, for assurance that this was the right path to take, but all the assurance I've been given are the support from family, friends, and mentors who all think I made the right decision and this strange, unexplainable sense that turning back is not an option. I know I must trust God in all this, and I must be kind to myself for having done everything I could have to try and make the best decision for both of us. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I felt the way I felt with her -- though I looked at us and saw chemistry and compatibility unlike any I've ever known before, I still felt that something was off, that there was danger in moving forward. I desperately spent time in prayer each day, I desperately sought out godly counsel and guidance and wisdom. And with that, I made the decision that I could only hope was for the best. And I suppose I should be proud of myself for making a hard decision like that, having sought wisdom through it all.

The thing that seems so unfair, though, is this: she seems to be benefitting from the decision I made more than I have. Now, I cannot be sure of this. I cannot know what her life is like right now, or what her new relationship is like. All I can see is that she is with someone new, making new memories, making a new intimate connection with someone, and all I can do is watch from the sidelines in this time of very little community and very little personal hope. I've had outbursts of anger toward God, wondering why He's doing this to me, why He's allowing all this to happen, and why I couldn't have just felt happy with her. I am thankful for a God who says it's safe to pray that way with Him -- He knows how we act when we're desperate.

I must say that it does not feel like I'm making much progress. In fact, it seems like things have been getting worse, as far as feelings go. But I'm clinging onto the hope of what C.S. Lewis said: "When things go wrong, you'll find that they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things start going right they often go on getting better and better." I long for the answers that I'm not getting right now, but I know in time it will be revealed to me. I hope it will be satisfying for me. I desperately want to know if it will be us in the end, but right now I need to work on letting go and trusting. And I can only hope that God is molding my heart and my mind into someone stronger and more faithful throughout all this.

Thanks to all those willing to read through this. Prayers, advice, encouragement are all welcome and appreciated.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Hey everyone. I feel embarrassed to still be posting about this relationship and breakup that I had, but I honestly am still struggling with it all. This is going to be a long, long post, just to warn you.

It has still a very rough road for the past month, and that, I think, is largely because of having to stay in quarantine from all this crazy virus stuff. It has left me with so little distractions from the grief and so little community. I've had to face the grief, the negative thoughts, the depression head on 24/7, and I've felt that I've had to hide it because my family has basically told me that I need to get over it. Nearly every day I wake up and feel the need to tear myself down for having single-handedly destroyed the deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. I torture myself with thoughts of the worst-case scenario, that she could never love me again, that she must have lost all respect for me, that she loves this new guy more than she ever loved me, that she no longer cares, that I will never find that sort of connection ever again. Every day I agonize with longing for what we had, a longing to see her and to connect with her once again, and an intense regret for having been the one to end it all.

But the strange and unexplainable thing is, though I feel incredible regret for all that happened, I am not so sure that I would've made a different choice. I am not so sure I made the wrong choice. This makes utterly no sense in the grand scheme of how I've been feeling -- every day I beat myself down with uncontrolled, self-hating thoughts for having made this decision, but when it comes down to whether I would've made a different choice if I had the chance, I am not so sure I would have. I miss her, I long for every part of her and every part of what we had, and I have looked back every step of the way. But I know, and I get the sense, that I cannot afford to turn back. Though I look back, I know I cannot -- or should not -- turn back.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I certainly struggle to make sense of it. I've been crying out to God for answers, for assurance that this was the right path to take, but all the assurance I've been given are the support from family, friends, and mentors who all think I made the right decision and this strange, unexplainable sense that turning back is not an option. I know I must trust God in all this, and I must be kind to myself for having done everything I could have to try and make the best decision for both of us. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I felt the way I felt with her -- though I looked at us and saw chemistry and compatibility unlike any I've ever known before, I still felt that something was off, that there was danger in moving forward. I desperately spent time in prayer each day, I desperately sought out godly counsel and guidance and wisdom. And with that, I made the decision that I could only hope was for the best. And I suppose I should be proud of myself for making a hard decision like that, having sought wisdom through it all.

The thing that seems so unfair, though, is this: she seems to be benefitting from the decision I made more than I have. Now, I cannot be sure of this. I cannot know what her life is like right now, or what her new relationship is like. All I can see is that she is with someone new, making new memories, making a new intimate connection with someone, and all I can do is watch from the sidelines in this time of very little community and very little personal hope. I've had outbursts of anger toward God, wondering why He's doing this to me, why He's allowing all this to happen, and why I couldn't have just felt happy with her. I am thankful for a God who says it's safe to pray that way with Him -- He knows how we act when we're desperate.

I must say that it does not feel like I'm making much progress. In fact, it seems like things have been getting worse, as far as feelings go. But I'm clinging onto the hope of what C.S. Lewis said: "When things go wrong, you'll find that they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things start going right they often go on getting better and better." I long for the answers that I'm not getting right now, but I know in time it will be revealed to me. I hope it will be satisfying for me. I desperately want to know if it will be us in the end, but right now I need to work on letting go and trusting. And I can only hope that God is molding my heart and my mind into someone stronger and more faithful throughout all this.

Thanks to all those willing to read through this. Prayers, advice, encouragement are all welcome and appreciated.

Sometimes we know a person is wrong for us but we love them anyway. It takes strength and wisdom to let go of this type of relationship...you seem to have done this.

Feelings don't go away fast. I don't know how long it's been for you. I hate to say this, but it'll probably take a year or two. But they do go away,,,although the memory will last a lifetime.

In the meantime, all you can do is live your life and eventually you will connect with someone new.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hey everyone. I feel embarrassed to still be posting about this relationship and breakup that I had, but I honestly am still struggling with it all. This is going to be a long, long post, just to warn you.

It has still a very rough road for the past month, and that, I think, is largely because of having to stay in quarantine from all this crazy virus stuff. It has left me with so little distractions from the grief and so little community. I've had to face the grief, the negative thoughts, the depression head on 24/7, and I've felt that I've had to hide it because my family has basically told me that I need to get over it. Nearly every day I wake up and feel the need to tear myself down for having single-handedly destroyed the deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. I torture myself with thoughts of the worst-case scenario, that she could never love me again, that she must have lost all respect for me, that she loves this new guy more than she ever loved me, that she no longer cares, that I will never find that sort of connection ever again. Every day I agonize with longing for what we had, a longing to see her and to connect with her once again, and an intense regret for having been the one to end it all.

But the strange and unexplainable thing is, though I feel incredible regret for all that happened, I am not so sure that I would've made a different choice. I am not so sure I made the wrong choice. This makes utterly no sense in the grand scheme of how I've been feeling -- every day I beat myself down with uncontrolled, self-hating thoughts for having made this decision, but when it comes down to whether I would've made a different choice if I had the chance, I am not so sure I would have. I miss her, I long for every part of her and every part of what we had, and I have looked back every step of the way. But I know, and I get the sense, that I cannot afford to turn back. Though I look back, I know I cannot -- or should not -- turn back.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I certainly struggle to make sense of it. I've been crying out to God for answers, for assurance that this was the right path to take, but all the assurance I've been given are the support from family, friends, and mentors who all think I made the right decision and this strange, unexplainable sense that turning back is not an option. I know I must trust God in all this, and I must be kind to myself for having done everything I could have to try and make the best decision for both of us. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I felt the way I felt with her -- though I looked at us and saw chemistry and compatibility unlike any I've ever known before, I still felt that something was off, that there was danger in moving forward. I desperately spent time in prayer each day, I desperately sought out godly counsel and guidance and wisdom. And with that, I made the decision that I could only hope was for the best. And I suppose I should be proud of myself for making a hard decision like that, having sought wisdom through it all.

The thing that seems so unfair, though, is this: she seems to be benefitting from the decision I made more than I have. Now, I cannot be sure of this. I cannot know what her life is like right now, or what her new relationship is like. All I can see is that she is with someone new, making new memories, making a new intimate connection with someone, and all I can do is watch from the sidelines in this time of very little community and very little personal hope. I've had outbursts of anger toward God, wondering why He's doing this to me, why He's allowing all this to happen, and why I couldn't have just felt happy with her. I am thankful for a God who says it's safe to pray that way with Him -- He knows how we act when we're desperate.

I must say that it does not feel like I'm making much progress. In fact, it seems like things have been getting worse, as far as feelings go. But I'm clinging onto the hope of what C.S. Lewis said: "When things go wrong, you'll find that they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things start going right they often go on getting better and better." I long for the answers that I'm not getting right now, but I know in time it will be revealed to me. I hope it will be satisfying for me. I desperately want to know if it will be us in the end, but right now I need to work on letting go and trusting. And I can only hope that God is molding my heart and my mind into someone stronger and more faithful throughout all this.

Thanks to all those willing to read through this. Prayers, advice, encouragement are all welcome and appreciated.

Has anyone not been through a similar ordeal? One day we look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. It's not easy, but you should not let emotions rule you. Ask God to cut the emotional tie. He did that for me and I saw the truth. Us getting married would have been a disaster.

 

[Tolworth John]

Nearly every day I wake up and feel the need to tear myself down for having single-handedly destroyed the deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. I t

I am sorry that you are in so much distress.

You are grieving for what you have lost while also attacking yourself for being responsible for the loss.

Please let go of her.

You have to accept that it is over.

You have to let go of blaming your self.

Yes it hurts and will do for a long time, only you can start the healing process which will only start when you let go.
There are no easy nice words that can make things better, you are no longer a child needing a kiss to heal a hurtie.

Grieve for your loss. Stop blaming your self, what has happened has happened, learn from it, become a better man from this experience.