Hello folks. Funny were one ends up at the end of the day. This morning I was being strongly tempted to try to find an online medium to talk to. But I did not do this because I knew it would make Creator angry.
And I really don't know how to explain to you what I am wrestling with - back to back tragedy that I cannot overcome is a start I suppose.
My daughter, she turns 22 tomorrow. But according to the state, she is not my daughter, I never bore her, and my name was stripped from her birth certificate and that of her sister's 12 years ago. They were forcibly taken from me and adopted out by the state.
I know what you are thinking. But please consider, injustice really does happen.
I faced a kangaroo court behind closed doors were I was accused (without evidence) of among other things, being a heroin addict. The truth was, I have NEVER done heroin. Never had any desire to. Nor was this about "the best interest" of my children. I don't know how to tell you all that happened. I only know that I was a single mother who had left my husband because he was a violent alcoholic and my life disentigrated and I lost my children because of laws that were passed and some very wealthy individuals who wanted to adopt them who were registered with the Childrens' services.
A lot of lies were told under oath, and before they were finished with me, I did not recognize the "me" they created with their accusations.
I know now, I never had a chance. It wasn't about justice. It was about money. But I never stopped fighting. I took it all the way to the United States Supreme Court acting as my own attorney because I could not afford one. After four years, I lost the final battle when the Supreme Court refused to hear my case.
But I never surrendered. And to this day, I cannot move on, I cannot forget, and I cannot forgive. I will never forget the feeling that I was being raped by the state. And I still do feel that way. A rape of the soul, not the body.
As a result of their efforts, I lost my beautiful daughters, and I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome - I relive the witch hunt - which they called a "trial", I cry daily most times, and my pain is a cancerous wound that will not heal and bleeds through as bitterness and anger.
Shortly after the four year battle for my children ended, my common law husband of the time was diagnosed with cancer. We wrestled with this for three years in the aftermath of the loss of my daughters. When I lost my girls, he went through every step of it with me, and frankly, had he not been there I would have surely died.
Instead, he died, 5 years ago before I could get to his bedside. He had gone home to see his mother, and was two states away. He died making hand signals begging them to call me. His voice box had been removed and he could not speak. His sister was doped up on his meds, and did not call me. He died before I could arrive. And he died asking for me. I can't stop crying for him, again, very nearly daily. For two years it WAS daily, I've gotten a little past the obvious daily tears, but I cry now in secret. I can't get over his death even though I have re-married, and have a wonderful husband.
All of this is disjointed, and there is much more to both situations, it is just too much to share at one sitting. But I cannot forgive his sister either, for making his death so much more painful than it had to be.
My life today? I have every reason to thank Creator. I am re-married to a retired Army Colonel, and he is an unbelievable angel. So kind, so good. He knows about my past. He is writing a book about it so that my descendants will know what happened.
Like most, we have our stresses and struggles. But unlike most, my heart has become poisoned, and I am toxic, cynical, and unable to "overcome evil with good".
I have led an odd life, I've seen and done more than your average person, and I have paid a very high price for it. I have had to realize, I cannot change one moment of the past. But I can't figure out how to let go of it and embrace the future that God has graciously given me.
So I guess what I am asking is, how do I forgive when I blinded by pain which turns to hatred, which poisons my soul?
I know about prayer. Don't think I haven't prayed. Would it suprise you to know, I was once physically beaten for a choice I made to follow Jesus? It all seems so long ago, but its there too, in that past. I know he is real. I know he is able to forgive "me", and God had his reasons for all of this, and frankly much of it I take responsibility for. I also know, I strayed away from him, he was certainly not to blame.
And I searched for relief and for answers. I searched in bottles of alcohol. I searched in the halls of justice. I searched in the eyes of strangers, I searched in other faiths. But I cannot find relief. I am a haunted person.
I didn't seek out that medium today. That gives me a bit of hope. A few years ago I would have. But I could not today. I still drink a bit too much, and I smoke like a freight train. I have a long way to go. But I know I will never get there if I cannot resolve my past. And right now, I can't find a way to do so.
Thanks, I wish I could have told the whole story, and done a better job in the telling, but for all of our sakes, I'll close now with this.
And I really don't know how to explain to you what I am wrestling with - back to back tragedy that I cannot overcome is a start I suppose.
My daughter, she turns 22 tomorrow. But according to the state, she is not my daughter, I never bore her, and my name was stripped from her birth certificate and that of her sister's 12 years ago. They were forcibly taken from me and adopted out by the state.
I know what you are thinking. But please consider, injustice really does happen.
I faced a kangaroo court behind closed doors were I was accused (without evidence) of among other things, being a heroin addict. The truth was, I have NEVER done heroin. Never had any desire to. Nor was this about "the best interest" of my children. I don't know how to tell you all that happened. I only know that I was a single mother who had left my husband because he was a violent alcoholic and my life disentigrated and I lost my children because of laws that were passed and some very wealthy individuals who wanted to adopt them who were registered with the Childrens' services.
A lot of lies were told under oath, and before they were finished with me, I did not recognize the "me" they created with their accusations.
I know now, I never had a chance. It wasn't about justice. It was about money. But I never stopped fighting. I took it all the way to the United States Supreme Court acting as my own attorney because I could not afford one. After four years, I lost the final battle when the Supreme Court refused to hear my case.
But I never surrendered. And to this day, I cannot move on, I cannot forget, and I cannot forgive. I will never forget the feeling that I was being raped by the state. And I still do feel that way. A rape of the soul, not the body.
As a result of their efforts, I lost my beautiful daughters, and I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome - I relive the witch hunt - which they called a "trial", I cry daily most times, and my pain is a cancerous wound that will not heal and bleeds through as bitterness and anger.
Shortly after the four year battle for my children ended, my common law husband of the time was diagnosed with cancer. We wrestled with this for three years in the aftermath of the loss of my daughters. When I lost my girls, he went through every step of it with me, and frankly, had he not been there I would have surely died.
Instead, he died, 5 years ago before I could get to his bedside. He had gone home to see his mother, and was two states away. He died making hand signals begging them to call me. His voice box had been removed and he could not speak. His sister was doped up on his meds, and did not call me. He died before I could arrive. And he died asking for me. I can't stop crying for him, again, very nearly daily. For two years it WAS daily, I've gotten a little past the obvious daily tears, but I cry now in secret. I can't get over his death even though I have re-married, and have a wonderful husband.
All of this is disjointed, and there is much more to both situations, it is just too much to share at one sitting. But I cannot forgive his sister either, for making his death so much more painful than it had to be.
My life today? I have every reason to thank Creator. I am re-married to a retired Army Colonel, and he is an unbelievable angel. So kind, so good. He knows about my past. He is writing a book about it so that my descendants will know what happened.
Like most, we have our stresses and struggles. But unlike most, my heart has become poisoned, and I am toxic, cynical, and unable to "overcome evil with good".
I have led an odd life, I've seen and done more than your average person, and I have paid a very high price for it. I have had to realize, I cannot change one moment of the past. But I can't figure out how to let go of it and embrace the future that God has graciously given me.
So I guess what I am asking is, how do I forgive when I blinded by pain which turns to hatred, which poisons my soul?
I know about prayer. Don't think I haven't prayed. Would it suprise you to know, I was once physically beaten for a choice I made to follow Jesus? It all seems so long ago, but its there too, in that past. I know he is real. I know he is able to forgive "me", and God had his reasons for all of this, and frankly much of it I take responsibility for. I also know, I strayed away from him, he was certainly not to blame.
And I searched for relief and for answers. I searched in bottles of alcohol. I searched in the halls of justice. I searched in the eyes of strangers, I searched in other faiths. But I cannot find relief. I am a haunted person.
I didn't seek out that medium today. That gives me a bit of hope. A few years ago I would have. But I could not today. I still drink a bit too much, and I smoke like a freight train. I have a long way to go. But I know I will never get there if I cannot resolve my past. And right now, I can't find a way to do so.
Thanks, I wish I could have told the whole story, and done a better job in the telling, but for all of our sakes, I'll close now with this.
