Unforgivable Sin/Doubt! :(

[AmberB]

This is, like, my 5th time posting or something and I feel bad for continuously posting new threads and throwing myself a pity party, but I'm just very lost and with each new thing that pops into my head and presents itself as a problem, I feel like I need to talk about it. Forgive me.

I made another post about fearing that I committed the unforgivable sin. I feel a bit better that I've been forgiven of that, though it still worries me, but I've recently realized another thing that I did that may have been the unforgivable sin.

After I started to believe (I realize now that it's been a month), I realized that there was something that I would probably had to give up. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I was obsessed with it. So, let's call it obsession number 1. So at first I didn't really want to give up obsession number 1, but I ended up giving it up for about a week or so. After a week I felt like it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't doing drugs or anything, so whatever right?

I began doing it again, fully aware that I knew God probably didn't approve. Sometimes I told myself that He didn't mind, other times I knew that He did. I told him over and over again that I wasn't ready to give it up and that I was sorry, though I really wasn't at the time. When I would do obsession 1 and not have anxiety or OCD thoughts, I would get happy, simply because I felt like I was being reassured that it was okay, or because I was simply happy that I could continue to do it without anxiety.

I never got happy in order to mock God. Like I was never like, "Haha, look what I'm doing." Or whatever, but I had intrusive thoughts about it, so I worry that that was what my heart meant. Sometimes when I would do it and not have anxiety, I would be like, "See? It's okay." But it was to myself. I was trying to tell myself that I was fine and it wasn't a big deal even though it was, but I still had intrusive thoughts about mocking God and so like I said, I fear that that's what was in my heart. It didn't help that I was still doing the bad thing.

Anyway, it lasted about a week. I stopped doing it and asked for forgiveness. But what scares me is this.

The night that I decided to stop, I stopped because of anxiety. I can't remember if I was simply pondering over it and the anxiety grew and I ended up deciding to stop that way, or if the anxiety just hit me out of no where and that's what made me realize I had to quit.

Either way, I like to believe that it was God being like, "Amber! Enough! Get with the program!"

But I fear that the sudden anxiety was actually Him leaving me for good and my soul realized it. It never occurred to me that at the time I may have been committing the unforgivable sin. Yes, I knew it was bad, I feel bad about it now and I want God's forgiveness, which people say that is a sign that I haven't actually committed the sin, but I feel like it's all speculation. I'll never actually know until I die and that scares me.

Plus, because obsession 1 wasn't hurting anyone and it was something that I peacefully enjoyed for a long time, I'm having a hard time feeling guilty for it. I know God doesn't like that. I wish I wouldn't have started back up after I began believing and I'm sorry that I did it, but I'm not sorry about the context of the sin. I'm trying to be, but it was such a source of comfort in my life, I'm having a hard time seeing it as bad.

Also, I'm still new to this. I'm trying to fall in love with God, but this entire short time of me believing has been less about me and God and more about me obsessing over everything, so our relationship hasn't been able to grow.

I fear that because I'm having a hard time seeing obsession 1 as bad and because I'm having a hard time for being sorry that I hurt God (it's more because I fear going to hell), I feel like when I pray for forgiveness, if He's still listening to me, that it's not genuine enough. I know that in order to fall in love with God, you must get to know Him. You wouldn't just fall in love with someone the first time you met them. I know that I must grow my love. So I know that right now that's probably why my prayers for forgiveness are fear based rather than love. I DO want to love Him. I want to pray for forgiveness because I know I hurt Him and only that reason, but I'm still working on that.

Problem is, is that I fear that the reason I am struggling with that is because he's already gone. What if the reason I can't seem to fall in love yet and because I'm struggling to see obsession 1 as bad, even though it was such a comfort to me for so long, means that my heart his hardened because He has left? What if He did leave that night when I got the sudden anxiety and that's why I'm struggling so bad for everything?

And this morning, the night after I realized that I may have done the unforgivable sin, I was a bit anxious, but it's been eased though out today. My OCD isn't that bad either. I'm not thinking that things I used to think we're a sin are bad anymore (really ridiculous stuff like touching meat, watching a show I liked, etc.) and I'm recognizing it as OCD. But what if that's not it? What if the reason my anxiety and OCD left is because my soul has suddenly realized there is no point because it's all over? What if the reason I'm not having bad feelings towards previous obsessions I thought were sin (not including obsession 1) is because my soul knows it's over, so why freak out?

And I've been trying to read the Bible today and I've been having more doubts about His existence than usual. I fear falling back into unbelief. I'm having a hard time with my faith and belief, while also struggling with everything else. I fear that my struggles with faith and belief, along with my lack of OCD towards things that may be sin (they are probably not honestly) means that my soul has given up trying because the Spirit is no longer with me or never was to begun with because of the other occurrence that makes me thing I did the unforgivable sin (This occurrence was before I believed).

And I'm having worse temptations with things that I know ARE bad. And I'm like, "Is it really that bad?"
But I don't want a repeat of obsession 1, you know in case I'm not damned just yet of course.

I'm having trouble praying because I either feel like it's not genuine enough since my faith is lacking and my love is too, or because I fear that God isn't listening. And when I start to fear all of these things, my mind goes to: Well does he even exist?
But I don't want to think that.

I know people will say that this is the Devil. He's taking this fear of wondering about the unforgivable sin and saying, "Yes, you have committed it. Why bother with God anymore? Do what you want, you're going to Hell anyway."

I want to believe that that's the truth. But what if it isn't and God really has left me and that's why I'm not as anxious or guilty feeling as normal? I feel bad for sinning, but it's because I fear hell. What if that's because my soul realizes it's fate and is trying it's best to not go to hell, regardless of the truth.

I'm so confused. People say that if your heart is hardened towards God and you no longer care, that means that you've done the unforgivable sin. But I can't tell if my heart is hardened. I want to say it's not but what if I'm lying to myself.
Cause I am not feeling as bad as usual with guilt and fear and OCD, and I'm having tempting thoughts, and doubtful thoughts, and I haven't fallen in love with God yet. What if that all points to me being hardened to Him?

Yes, I want to be with him, but because it's for selfish reasons (hopefully only for now) of being afraid of Hell (which is a natural fear I assume), that means that my soul is only looking out for itself? I care what God thinks and I want Him to love me, but right now that's only because I don't want to go to Hell and what if that means that it's true that I'm hardened, which means I DID commit the sin?

I'm really confused. I've prayed and prayed and I'm just scared that He's not there. I'm scared that because my wants for Him to be there are selfish, means that He won't come back.

 

[AmberB]

I'm really embarrassed. I can't stop posting here because I feel like everything is a sin right now, even if it actually isn't, and I need to talk about it.

 

[AmberB]

I've also struggled with empathy in the past. I still do. I've struggled with loving people, though I know that I do in fact love people, and I can be very mean and cruel. I'm trying to fix this and I feel like I've been getting better. But I rarely ever have that heart bursting love that people tall about. I worry that means that I'm not loving.

Which means that I may have a hardened heart because God has left me.
Or that means that I will never love God like I'm supposed to, so I will go to hell.

 

[celestialpearl]

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6

I relate to so much of this and have struggled in the same way. While I won't say it's okay to live in sin, it's not anything we do that gets us into heaven, but by Jesus's sacrifice.

I suggest looking for the fruits of the spirit in your life. Do you find yourself asking is this what God wants me to do and than doing it? You're not going to be perfect. Are there changes in accordance to God's word that you're making in your life? Trying to love more? Be slower to anger? Studying your bible? Praying? To feel repentant is a sign of the Holy Spirit living within you and leading you in the right direction, imho.

Prayers!

 

[AmberB]

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6

I relate to so much of this and have struggled in the same way. While I won't say it's okay to live in sin, it's not anything we do that gets us into heaven, but by Jesus's sacrifice.

I suggest looking for the fruits of the spirit in your life. Do you find yourself asking is this what God wants me to do and than doing it? You're not going to be perfect. Are there changes in accordance to God's word that you're making in your life? Trying to love more? Be slower to anger? Studying your bible? Praying? To feel repentant is a sign of the Holy Spirit living within you and leading you in the right direction, imho.

Prayers!

Thank you very much. I am trying to change things. Even though it's out of fear, I imagine that's normal at first, right? I mean I imagine a lot of people who become a Christian, it may be out the desire to NOT go to hell, right? I have changed things for God, but of course it's because I fear hell.
But I do want it to be for the right reasons.

I mean right now part of me wants it to be for the right reasons so I don't go to hell lol
But part of me wants it to just want it. I see other Christians who express how they can feel God and love him so much and I want that just cause.

But I fear that I'll never get that because I'll either never be genuine enough in my heart, or because I'm unforgivable now.

 

[celestialpearl]

Thank you very much. I am trying to change things. Even though it's out of fear, I imagine that's normal at first, right? I mean I imagine a lot of people who become a Christian, it may be out the desire to NOT go to hell, right? I have changed things for God, but of course it's because I fear hell.
But I do want it to be for the right reasons.

I mean right now part of me wants it to be for the right reasons so I don't go to hell lol
But part of me wants it to just want it. I see other Christians who express how they can feel God and love him so much and I want that just cause.

But I fear that I'll never get that because I'll either never be genuine enough in my heart, or because I'm unforgivable now.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

I'm don't feel like I'm qualified to give any definite answers, but the bible speaks for itself.

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17

In conclusion? Read your bible, pray, seek God and trust that he will lead you in the way you should go. His word says he will.

 

[AmberB]

Thank you. I will try my best.

 

[faroukfarouk]

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

I'm don't feel like I'm qualified to give any definite answers, but the bible speaks for itself.

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17

In conclusion? Read your bible, pray, seek God and trust that he will lead you in the way you should go. His word says he will.

What a good answer! We all feel insufficient, but we can rest on the promises of God's Word to the believer in His Son.

 

[2tim_215]

What the previous poster said. Proverbs 9:10 is a good verse for you. So is Psalms 34:7, 111:10, 115:13, 145:10, Prov 1:7, Job 28:28, 1 Sam 12:24, Deut 13:4, 5:29, 6:2, Prov 3:7, 16:6. So you see, the fear of the Lord is a good thing. If anything, Satan would rather you didn't which would get you in more trouble.

As for the unpardonable sin, I don't believe that there is one in this age of Grace that there is one but even if it were still in existence (I think it applied to the Law in the Old Testament) Jesus mentioned it one time and the circumstance in which he said it is way more serious than any sin that you've committed. The one whom He spoke it to were the Pharisees, who were the religious leaders of the time and it was because He said, "They blasphemed the Holy Spirit". Well how were they doing that?

At the time Jesus was healing so many people, and as a result,.some of those He healed went and told others, including witnesses who saw it. When the Scribes and Pharisees heard it, likely they were jealous (they sure couldn't do what Jesus was doing) and in response tried to minimize what He did. But the worse part was, they claimed His healings were not of God, but Belial, another name for the Devil. This to Jesus was practically unforgivable to Jesus, claiming the works of God were the works of the devil, especially coming the religious "experts" of the day. Mark 3:22-29

This is what Billy Graham had to say about it:
What is the unpardonable sin? I am afraid I may have committed it.

Some suggestions:
Try to get around other Christians as much as you can. One way is to find yourself a GOOD Christian church when you can meet fellow Christians. Get into a group Bible study. This will help you understand some of the more difficult verses and when you are bothered by them you'll have other Christians around you to support and comfort you. You most likely find one in any solid Bible believing church.

One of the problems you're probably having is negative thoughts which are dragging you down which you need to try and get rid of. Getting involved in Christian activities and being around other Christians will help to eliminate those negative thoughts. Praying is something that will help as well. Guess what? When you're praying, it's very unlikely you're going to be sinning. And in particular, with this one issue you're having, first thing you have to do is to decide you really want to get rid of it. You may not want to stop doing it, but you have to decide that having a right relationship with God and your eternity is more important and be willing to give it up, even if you don't know how or if you think you can. Once you've decided that to be the case, then what you need to do is pray to God to help you to stop and believe that He will be faithful to do it which He will. Keep doing praying for it until He stops it. and keep doing thee same for any other transgressions that you feel that you might have. And if you've done wrong to anyone go say your're sorry and ask them for forgiveness. then ask God to forgive you as well when you pray. And always finish your prayers "in Jesus name".

A good scripture for you (something I've used many times) Is Philippians 4:4-9
Philippians 4:4-9(KJV)
4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Attached is something which you might find helpful that I put together many years ago.
Be blessed.

 

[AmberB]

Thank you all very much!

 

[gloriousday2006]

This is, like, my 5th time posting or something and I feel bad for continuously posting new threads and throwing myself a pity party, but I'm just very lost and with each new thing that pops into my head and presents itself as a problem, I feel like I need to talk about it. Forgive me.

I made another post about fearing that I committed the unforgivable sin. I feel a bit better that I've been forgiven of that, though it still worries me, but I've recently realized another thing that I did that may have been the unforgivable sin.

After I started to believe (I realize now that it's been a month), I realized that there was something that I would probably had to give up. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I was obsessed with it. So, let's call it obsession number 1. So at first I didn't really want to give up obsession number 1, but I ended up giving it up for about a week or so. After a week I felt like it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't doing drugs or anything, so whatever right?

I began doing it again, fully aware that I knew God probably didn't approve. Sometimes I told myself that He didn't mind, other times I knew that He did. I told him over and over again that I wasn't ready to give it up and that I was sorry, though I really wasn't at the time. When I would do obsession 1 and not have anxiety or OCD thoughts, I would get happy, simply because I felt like I was being reassured that it was okay, or because I was simply happy that I could continue to do it without anxiety.

I never got happy in order to mock God. Like I was never like, "Haha, look what I'm doing." Or whatever, but I had intrusive thoughts about it, so I worry that that was what my heart meant. Sometimes when I would do it and not have anxiety, I would be like, "See? It's okay." But it was to myself. I was trying to tell myself that I was fine and it wasn't a big deal even though it was, but I still had intrusive thoughts about mocking God and so like I said, I fear that that's what was in my heart. It didn't help that I was still doing the bad thing.

Anyway, it lasted about a week. I stopped doing it and asked for forgiveness. But what scares me is this.

The night that I decided to stop, I stopped because of anxiety. I can't remember if I was simply pondering over it and the anxiety grew and I ended up deciding to stop that way, or if the anxiety just hit me out of no where and that's what made me realize I had to quit.

Either way, I like to believe that it was God being like, "Amber! Enough! Get with the program!"

But I fear that the sudden anxiety was actually Him leaving me for good and my soul realized it. It never occurred to me that at the time I may have been committing the unforgivable sin. Yes, I knew it was bad, I feel bad about it now and I want God's forgiveness, which people say that is a sign that I haven't actually committed the sin, but I feel like it's all speculation. I'll never actually know until I die and that scares me.

Plus, because obsession 1 wasn't hurting anyone and it was something that I peacefully enjoyed for a long time, I'm having a hard time feeling guilty for it. I know God doesn't like that. I wish I wouldn't have started back up after I began believing and I'm sorry that I did it, but I'm not sorry about the context of the sin. I'm trying to be, but it was such a source of comfort in my life, I'm having a hard time seeing it as bad.

Also, I'm still new to this. I'm trying to fall in love with God, but this entire short time of me believing has been less about me and God and more about me obsessing over everything, so our relationship hasn't been able to grow.

I fear that because I'm having a hard time seeing obsession 1 as bad and because I'm having a hard time for being sorry that I hurt God (it's more because I fear going to hell), I feel like when I pray for forgiveness, if He's still listening to me, that it's not genuine enough. I know that in order to fall in love with God, you must get to know Him. You wouldn't just fall in love with someone the first time you met them. I know that I must grow my love. So I know that right now that's probably why my prayers for forgiveness are fear based rather than love. I DO want to love Him. I want to pray for forgiveness because I know I hurt Him and only that reason, but I'm still working on that.

Problem is, is that I fear that the reason I am struggling with that is because he's already gone. What if the reason I can't seem to fall in love yet and because I'm struggling to see obsession 1 as bad, even though it was such a comfort to me for so long, means that my heart his hardened because He has left? What if He did leave that night when I got the sudden anxiety and that's why I'm struggling so bad for everything?

And this morning, the night after I realized that I may have done the unforgivable sin, I was a bit anxious, but it's been eased though out today. My OCD isn't that bad either. I'm not thinking that things I used to think we're a sin are bad anymore (really ridiculous stuff like touching meat, watching a show I liked, etc.) and I'm recognizing it as OCD. But what if that's not it? What if the reason my anxiety and OCD left is because my soul has suddenly realized there is no point because it's all over? What if the reason I'm not having bad feelings towards previous obsessions I thought were sin (not including obsession 1) is because my soul knows it's over, so why freak out?

And I've been trying to read the Bible today and I've been having more doubts about His existence than usual. I fear falling back into unbelief. I'm having a hard time with my faith and belief, while also struggling with everything else. I fear that my struggles with faith and belief, along with my lack of OCD towards things that may be sin (they are probably not honestly) means that my soul has given up trying because the Spirit is no longer with me or never was to begun with because of the other occurrence that makes me thing I did the unforgivable sin (This occurrence was before I believed).

And I'm having worse temptations with things that I know ARE bad. And I'm like, "Is it really that bad?"
But I don't want a repeat of obsession 1, you know in case I'm not damned just yet of course.

I'm having trouble praying because I either feel like it's not genuine enough since my faith is lacking and my love is too, or because I fear that God isn't listening. And when I start to fear all of these things, my mind goes to: Well does he even exist?
But I don't want to think that.

I know people will say that this is the Devil. He's taking this fear of wondering about the unforgivable sin and saying, "Yes, you have committed it. Why bother with God anymore? Do what you want, you're going to Hell anyway."

I want to believe that that's the truth. But what if it isn't and God really has left me and that's why I'm not as anxious or guilty feeling as normal? I feel bad for sinning, but it's because I fear hell. What if that's because my soul realizes it's fate and is trying it's best to not go to hell, regardless of the truth.

I'm so confused. People say that if your heart is hardened towards God and you no longer care, that means that you've done the unforgivable sin. But I can't tell if my heart is hardened. I want to say it's not but what if I'm lying to myself.
Cause I am not feeling as bad as usual with guilt and fear and OCD, and I'm having tempting thoughts, and doubtful thoughts, and I haven't fallen in love with God yet. What if that all points to me being hardened to Him?

Yes, I want to be with him, but because it's for selfish reasons (hopefully only for now) of being afraid of Hell (which is a natural fear I assume), that means that my soul is only looking out for itself? I care what God thinks and I want Him to love me, but right now that's only because I don't want to go to Hell and what if that means that it's true that I'm hardened, which means I DID commit the sin?

I'm really confused. I've prayed and prayed and I'm just scared that He's not there. I'm scared that because my wants for Him to be there are selfish, means that He won't come back.

Amber, I saw your recent post about being unforgivable. I did not read the entire thing, because I too have dealt with the same thing and it is a trigger for my OCD. I know just how absolutely traumatic it can be. In fact, I had never been through anything as awful as the fears that consumed me starting in May of 2017. God can see you through.

When my OCD was at it's peak I was in a state of constant panic. I was dealing with the exact same fear that you are. I had to get on Xanax. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, the panic attacks we're almost constant for a month. I have been where you are, and you can get better.

OCD often brings up our worst fears. I did not want those thoughts. In fact, they were my absolute WORST fears. They are thoughts we hate, not thoughts we love. In fact, we hate them so much it sends us into severe panic attacks. We love the Lord so much, that the thought of any of those things literally TERRIFIES us. OCD attacks the things we love the most. We love the Lord above all, and so that is where it aims.

My OCD got so bad, I suffered depersonalization. That is where you cannot relate to yourself. The thoughts were so severe that I couldn't even believe it was happening to me, and I had an experience were I felt out of my body and then went through emotion numbing and other symptoms of depersonalization. This led to it's own set of fears. The only reason I tell you this, is that I have been there. I have been in that dark place. I have been through the fear of hardening also.

Out of all this Jesus is Lord, and He is great enough to handle all of our fears. He paid the ultimate price for our sins, coming down from heaven to die a sinners death on a wooden cross. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. Do not believe the lies of your mind that you have gone to far, you have thought too far now, your done for....that is deception. Take your fears to God.

I believe the key to all of this is faith and TRUST. We have to learn to have extreme faith, even when we are bombarded by our worst fears. What is impossible for man is not impossible God, our God is mighty to save. We serve a God who can do ANYTHING. Take all of your fears to him. Cast all your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you.

I would often pray the following: Dear God, any thoughts that come against you today
I do not want. I have never wanted them. I love you Lord and anything that does not align with your word is the opposite of my heart. Then I would try to go about my day giving the thoughts as little attention as possible, which can be extremely difficult. God knows exactly what we are going through and my belief is that we can be victorious in Christ through it. We love the Lord, we can serve Him, no matter what is going on in our head.

I am going to continue to pray for you. Cling on to God. You can make it through this with Christ, our God is filled with compassion. If you ever need to talk, please message me anytime.

John 6:37
All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.

Matthew 11

28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

 

[2tim_215]

I think many of us go through similar things on our path to the Lord as it's not an easy road. But as gloriousday said, you just have to keep fighting through it. You know what? I bet you feel unworthy. And guess what? You are. But don't feel too bad about it. We all are so you're not alone in this. Don't let Satan get you down. He's there (wherever he is) accusing you day and night but there's someone greater than he is, far greater for you who is advocating for you in heave, and that's the Lord Jesus Christ. You see, He knows that we are all made of dust and the Bible says that He has more grace. In James:
James 4:5-10(KJV)
5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
Amber, I sense that you are a humble a person, pouring out your heart on a website which must be difficult. Pay careful attention to what the Scriptures say about being humble. That's something that God approves us. He hates the Proud and Arrogant which is something that most of us are guilty of in many things. It's usually a big stumbling block when it comes to getting ourselves right with God. In Romans, it tells that by one man's sin (Adam) sin and judgment came into the world, but by another man's obedience (Christ) came Grace, and that Grace is far greater than that judgment.
Romans 5:16-21(KJV)
16 And not as it was by one that sinned, so is the gift: for the judgment was by one to condemnation, but the free gift is of many offences unto justification.
17 For if by one man’s offence death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.)
18 Therefore as by the offence of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation; even so by the righteousness of one the free gift came upon all men unto justification of life.
19 For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.
20 Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound:
21 That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord.
Satan wants us to feel guilty, in hopes that he can draw us away from God. He wants us to think that there's no hope, and we are unforgivable ("so why don't we turn to him instead"). I remember that was something I went through many years ago, but God pulled me through. One of the scriptures that helped me at the time and is still one of my favorite psalms which I still remember quite vividly Psalm 139:

Psalms 139:7-14(KJV)
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

May this strengthen your soul Amber and may you be blessed.

 

[Iaras]

This is, like, my 5th time posting or something and I feel bad for continuously posting new threads and throwing myself a pity party, but I'm just very lost and with each new thing that pops into my head and presents itself as a problem, I feel like I need to talk about it. Forgive me.

I made another post about fearing that I committed the unforgivable sin. I feel a bit better that I've been forgiven of that, though it still worries me, but I've recently realized another thing that I did that may have been the unforgivable sin.

After I started to believe (I realize now that it's been a month), I realized that there was something that I would probably had to give up. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I was obsessed with it. So, let's call it obsession number 1. So at first I didn't really want to give up obsession number 1, but I ended up giving it up for about a week or so. After a week I felt like it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't doing drugs or anything, so whatever right?

I began doing it again, fully aware that I knew God probably didn't approve. Sometimes I told myself that He didn't mind, other times I knew that He did. I told him over and over again that I wasn't ready to give it up and that I was sorry, though I really wasn't at the time. When I would do obsession 1 and not have anxiety or OCD thoughts, I would get happy, simply because I felt like I was being reassured that it was okay, or because I was simply happy that I could continue to do it without anxiety.

I never got happy in order to mock God. Like I was never like, "Haha, look what I'm doing." Or whatever, but I had intrusive thoughts about it, so I worry that that was what my heart meant. Sometimes when I would do it and not have anxiety, I would be like, "See? It's okay." But it was to myself. I was trying to tell myself that I was fine and it wasn't a big deal even though it was, but I still had intrusive thoughts about mocking God and so like I said, I fear that that's what was in my heart. It didn't help that I was still doing the bad thing.

Anyway, it lasted about a week. I stopped doing it and asked for forgiveness. But what scares me is this.

The night that I decided to stop, I stopped because of anxiety. I can't remember if I was simply pondering over it and the anxiety grew and I ended up deciding to stop that way, or if the anxiety just hit me out of no where and that's what made me realize I had to quit.

Either way, I like to believe that it was God being like, "Amber! Enough! Get with the program!"

But I fear that the sudden anxiety was actually Him leaving me for good and my soul realized it. It never occurred to me that at the time I may have been committing the unforgivable sin. Yes, I knew it was bad, I feel bad about it now and I want God's forgiveness, which people say that is a sign that I haven't actually committed the sin, but I feel like it's all speculation. I'll never actually know until I die and that scares me.

Plus, because obsession 1 wasn't hurting anyone and it was something that I peacefully enjoyed for a long time, I'm having a hard time feeling guilty for it. I know God doesn't like that. I wish I wouldn't have started back up after I began believing and I'm sorry that I did it, but I'm not sorry about the context of the sin. I'm trying to be, but it was such a source of comfort in my life, I'm having a hard time seeing it as bad.

Also, I'm still new to this. I'm trying to fall in love with God, but this entire short time of me believing has been less about me and God and more about me obsessing over everything, so our relationship hasn't been able to grow.

I fear that because I'm having a hard time seeing obsession 1 as bad and because I'm having a hard time for being sorry that I hurt God (it's more because I fear going to hell), I feel like when I pray for forgiveness, if He's still listening to me, that it's not genuine enough. I know that in order to fall in love with God, you must get to know Him. You wouldn't just fall in love with someone the first time you met them. I know that I must grow my love. So I know that right now that's probably why my prayers for forgiveness are fear based rather than love. I DO want to love Him. I want to pray for forgiveness because I know I hurt Him and only that reason, but I'm still working on that.

Problem is, is that I fear that the reason I am struggling with that is because he's already gone. What if the reason I can't seem to fall in love yet and because I'm struggling to see obsession 1 as bad, even though it was such a comfort to me for so long, means that my heart his hardened because He has left? What if He did leave that night when I got the sudden anxiety and that's why I'm struggling so bad for everything?

And this morning, the night after I realized that I may have done the unforgivable sin, I was a bit anxious, but it's been eased though out today. My OCD isn't that bad either. I'm not thinking that things I used to think we're a sin are bad anymore (really ridiculous stuff like touching meat, watching a show I liked, etc.) and I'm recognizing it as OCD. But what if that's not it? What if the reason my anxiety and OCD left is because my soul has suddenly realized there is no point because it's all over? What if the reason I'm not having bad feelings towards previous obsessions I thought were sin (not including obsession 1) is because my soul knows it's over, so why freak out?

And I've been trying to read the Bible today and I've been having more doubts about His existence than usual. I fear falling back into unbelief. I'm having a hard time with my faith and belief, while also struggling with everything else. I fear that my struggles with faith and belief, along with my lack of OCD towards things that may be sin (they are probably not honestly) means that my soul has given up trying because the Spirit is no longer with me or never was to begun with because of the other occurrence that makes me thing I did the unforgivable sin (This occurrence was before I believed).

And I'm having worse temptations with things that I know ARE bad. And I'm like, "Is it really that bad?"
But I don't want a repeat of obsession 1, you know in case I'm not damned just yet of course.

I'm having trouble praying because I either feel like it's not genuine enough since my faith is lacking and my love is too, or because I fear that God isn't listening. And when I start to fear all of these things, my mind goes to: Well does he even exist?
But I don't want to think that.

I know people will say that this is the Devil. He's taking this fear of wondering about the unforgivable sin and saying, "Yes, you have committed it. Why bother with God anymore? Do what you want, you're going to Hell anyway."

I want to believe that that's the truth. But what if it isn't and God really has left me and that's why I'm not as anxious or guilty feeling as normal? I feel bad for sinning, but it's because I fear hell. What if that's because my soul realizes it's fate and is trying it's best to not go to hell, regardless of the truth.

I'm so confused. People say that if your heart is hardened towards God and you no longer care, that means that you've done the unforgivable sin. But I can't tell if my heart is hardened. I want to say it's not but what if I'm lying to myself.
Cause I am not feeling as bad as usual with guilt and fear and OCD, and I'm having tempting thoughts, and doubtful thoughts, and I haven't fallen in love with God yet. What if that all points to me being hardened to Him?

Yes, I want to be with him, but because it's for selfish reasons (hopefully only for now) of being afraid of Hell (which is a natural fear I assume), that means that my soul is only looking out for itself? I care what God thinks and I want Him to love me, but right now that's only because I don't want to go to Hell and what if that means that it's true that I'm hardened, which means I DID commit the sin?

I'm really confused. I've prayed and prayed and I'm just scared that He's not there. I'm scared that because my wants for Him to be there are selfish, means that He won't come back.

HOW ARE YOU NOW? DID YOU OVERCOME THIS PROBLEM? WE ARE IN THE SAME PROBLEM VERY VERY THE SAME AS YOU ARE FACING I HOPE YOUR STILL IN THIS SITE SO I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT I PRAYED