- Aug 25, 2020
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I have posted about something similar to this before, but just feel really drawn to seek advice around this so thought I would just share.
I am a bit confused as to how to feel about something...
Last Friday I went to bed later than I knew I should have at the time. I could have set my alarm later than I chose to as well, so did not allow myself as much extra time as I could have to get a little more sleep. I think I got around 4-5 hours sleep in the end over the night so not awful, but not ideal. I then drove to work as normal on the Saturday, knowing if I got buses in I would risk being late to open the shop I manage. In the day it occurred to me though that I could get buses home and leave my car somewhere until my next workday on the Monday. I felt this would be the most sensible, responsible, safest thing to do as even though I did not feel hugely tired, I have read on a number of websites that not getting a decent amount of sleep, especially under 5 hours, can considerably increase the likelihood of crashing, even if you don't necessary feel that tired. I really didn't want to get the bus home though, as the journey would take just over 2 hours, the fact I would have to find somewhere to leave my car over 2 nights and mainly because it would mean I would have to leave for work at around 7am on Monday when I usually leave closer to 8:30 (I have a set routine each morning, getting up around 1.5-2 hours before I leave for work, to get ready and also have time to pray for about half an hour. It unsettles me times it's not possible for me to have this prayer time in a quiet room at the start of the day, so the idea of getting public transport in early, especially at the start of the week, makes me a bit anxious. I could have just planned to get up at a time which would allow myself this time to pray before getting the bus, but this would mean being up at around 5am).
Anyway, in the end I did decide to just drive home, despite feeling it was the wrong thing to do. I felt guilty the whole drive, stopping along the way to look at bus options, thinking I could find somewhere to park my car on the journey and bus the rest of it. I always found a reason to just carry on though, despite still feeling guilty. I feel very bad that despite having looked up the risk of driving without much sleep many times before and so knowing it is not advisable, I still did so even though I had the option not to and so chose to risk hurting or even killing someone if I had crashed. I know God loves each of us unconditionally but I have since been somewhat anxious that considering I knowingly put others lives at risk, perhaps God will discipline me by now soon taking one of my loved ones away. I have asked for his forgiveness but felt cheeky to do so since I knew that at the time of making the decision to drive I felt guilty and I still don't know if I even regret it now and can definitely see myself doing the same thing again in the future. With all of this, feeling cheeky to ask God anything in prayer, I felt bad to pray the following day, the Sunday, although come to in the evening, feeling too worried to not considering I never miss them in a day. I've continued to pray each day since, but have continued to feel a bit uneasy doing so and cheeky, as I don't feel I can trust I am fully forgiven.
I know I can overthink and be over the top when it comes to some things but then, for example, the weekend prior a policeman had a word with me after seeing me doing my mascara whilst waiting at traffic lights - something I obviously also felt guilty about but differently, instantly knew I would never do again. But as I was told off, it shows that my actions obviously are at times very wrong and it is not just myself overthinking that they may be. Although this is obvious as I'm obviously only human so sin all the time. But it is getting to me the fact that although I feel sorry and very bad for having driven when I knew perhaps I shouldn't be doing so, I decided to take the option that, at the time, felt probably was not the right thing to do, knowing I was risking driving in a more careless manner, with potentially awful consequences and I don't think I feel sorry enough to feel sure that if I were in the same position in the future, I would opt to not drive and take buses instead. I also am worried for my loved ones, considering how I may be chastised.
Thank you for reading all this if you have got this far! If any thoughts jump to mind for anyone, I would be grateful to hear. Thanks so much, God bless.
I am a bit confused as to how to feel about something...
Last Friday I went to bed later than I knew I should have at the time. I could have set my alarm later than I chose to as well, so did not allow myself as much extra time as I could have to get a little more sleep. I think I got around 4-5 hours sleep in the end over the night so not awful, but not ideal. I then drove to work as normal on the Saturday, knowing if I got buses in I would risk being late to open the shop I manage. In the day it occurred to me though that I could get buses home and leave my car somewhere until my next workday on the Monday. I felt this would be the most sensible, responsible, safest thing to do as even though I did not feel hugely tired, I have read on a number of websites that not getting a decent amount of sleep, especially under 5 hours, can considerably increase the likelihood of crashing, even if you don't necessary feel that tired. I really didn't want to get the bus home though, as the journey would take just over 2 hours, the fact I would have to find somewhere to leave my car over 2 nights and mainly because it would mean I would have to leave for work at around 7am on Monday when I usually leave closer to 8:30 (I have a set routine each morning, getting up around 1.5-2 hours before I leave for work, to get ready and also have time to pray for about half an hour. It unsettles me times it's not possible for me to have this prayer time in a quiet room at the start of the day, so the idea of getting public transport in early, especially at the start of the week, makes me a bit anxious. I could have just planned to get up at a time which would allow myself this time to pray before getting the bus, but this would mean being up at around 5am).
Anyway, in the end I did decide to just drive home, despite feeling it was the wrong thing to do. I felt guilty the whole drive, stopping along the way to look at bus options, thinking I could find somewhere to park my car on the journey and bus the rest of it. I always found a reason to just carry on though, despite still feeling guilty. I feel very bad that despite having looked up the risk of driving without much sleep many times before and so knowing it is not advisable, I still did so even though I had the option not to and so chose to risk hurting or even killing someone if I had crashed. I know God loves each of us unconditionally but I have since been somewhat anxious that considering I knowingly put others lives at risk, perhaps God will discipline me by now soon taking one of my loved ones away. I have asked for his forgiveness but felt cheeky to do so since I knew that at the time of making the decision to drive I felt guilty and I still don't know if I even regret it now and can definitely see myself doing the same thing again in the future. With all of this, feeling cheeky to ask God anything in prayer, I felt bad to pray the following day, the Sunday, although come to in the evening, feeling too worried to not considering I never miss them in a day. I've continued to pray each day since, but have continued to feel a bit uneasy doing so and cheeky, as I don't feel I can trust I am fully forgiven.
I know I can overthink and be over the top when it comes to some things but then, for example, the weekend prior a policeman had a word with me after seeing me doing my mascara whilst waiting at traffic lights - something I obviously also felt guilty about but differently, instantly knew I would never do again. But as I was told off, it shows that my actions obviously are at times very wrong and it is not just myself overthinking that they may be. Although this is obvious as I'm obviously only human so sin all the time. But it is getting to me the fact that although I feel sorry and very bad for having driven when I knew perhaps I shouldn't be doing so, I decided to take the option that, at the time, felt probably was not the right thing to do, knowing I was risking driving in a more careless manner, with potentially awful consequences and I don't think I feel sorry enough to feel sure that if I were in the same position in the future, I would opt to not drive and take buses instead. I also am worried for my loved ones, considering how I may be chastised.
Thank you for reading all this if you have got this far! If any thoughts jump to mind for anyone, I would be grateful to hear. Thanks so much, God bless.
