Unaffectionate Wife

Tannic said:

Honestly no one likes to be a problem or people pointing the finger at them whether they are a man or woman. So his letter expressed his feelings but not hers. We have no idea how she feels about this and don't know the whole story here.

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Well, if that prevents commentary, we may as well move along...that's how it works here, rarely do the 2 spouses both post, even if you ask the one questions, you still have 1 side.

Which, I agree with you on that, means, allow for it being possible legit or not. BUT, we will not be getting both sides, so, if that's got to be present, we wont get very far

LosingHope said:

"This is what I have the rest of my life to just accept it? It's normal and I need to get over it."

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While working on the other options (counseling, etc.) you should start thinking of ways to come to terms with the possibility that this statement might be true.

Sometimes problems don't have a nice, neat simple little solution and you just have to live with some of the disappointments in life.

visionary said:

Isn't that a clue in and of itself? The fact that this man has no idea why his wife can be affection with everyone around her but him, really says a lot especially since the letter is all about him.

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We have no idea what has happen between them whether he is exactly what the letter portrays him to be. I'm staying away from being judgmental about it. I agree they are 'red' flags in the letter but has it always been this way or did it just started to happening? I believe every woman can say they have a reason behind their actions a lot of time when it comes to their husbands.

Speculative said:

While working on the other options (counseling, etc.) you should start thinking of ways to come to terms with the possibility that this statement might be true.

Sometimes problems don't have a nice, neat simple little solution and you just have to live with some of the disappointments in life.

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Ain't that the truth.

Conservativation said:

Well, if that prevents commentary, we may as well move along...that's how it works here, rarely do the 2 spouses both post, even if you ask the one questions, you still have 1 side.

Which, I agree with you on that, means, allow for it being possible legit or not. BUT, we will not be getting both sides, so, if that's got to be present, we wont get very far

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Thank you... I'm not picking a side but their is no point of point the finger (which he did) at someone and expect the best. Even I know not to do that. I would have handled 'my feelings' first and tried to engaged in a conversation with her. Sorry you can't 'blow' up a conversation and expect a person, especially your wife, to be ok with it.

Tannic said:

Thank you... I'm not picking a side but their is no point of point the finger (which he did) at someone and expect the best. Even I know not to do that. I would have handled 'my feelings' first and tried to engaged in a conversation with her. Sorry you can't 'blow' up a conversation and expect a person, especially your wife, to be ok with it.

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yeah.. it usually has the opposite effect, like the withdrawal of affection in this case.

Speculative said:

While working on the other options (counseling, etc.) you should start thinking of ways to come to terms with the possibility that this statement might be true.

Sometimes problems don't have a nice, neat simple little solution and you just have to live with some of the disappointments in life.

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I totally agree with this but I believe he said he had an issue with anger. I just don't want it to go too far. We could suggest accepting it at the moment, go get some counseling and find a way to release the anger he has.

sounds like we're pretty much agreed that this guy has absolutely no idea what a real life marriage is supposed to be like.

We don't actually know whether his anger came before her lack of affection. His anger may well be a reaction to her lack of affection - which is his claim - but whether it came before OR after, it's still an inappropriate reaction. You don't get someone to want to come and sit next to you, or give you a loving look, by being "like a volcano" (his words). That kinda tends to drive people away.

Well I just think its ironic..I always have and Im not pickign on the OP I've seen it over and over..Getting ANGRY and mad and yelling over wanting love and tenderness and affection...Its the opposite of endearing..and telling someone they arent 'normal" and all of it..So the person is already not apparrently "feeling" warm feelings..then is somehow supposed to open up and feel comfortable doing what already is for whatever reason NOT in your comfort zone..with an angry accusatory person who is demanding it..or throwign out ultimatums..

Sorry the truth is that drives a person deeper into a withdrawn state of existence..Hostility and judment as in you arent "this and you should be "that" and I can pay for it if you want to know the truth?Doesnt create passion or inspire passion in anyone..let alone someone who may not be feeling it in the first place.I've been there..Im not making it up ..and Im not "taking sides" its just what happens..

My husband doesnt like to tell me positive uplifting things in WORDS..he doesnt feel "natural" demonstratign in WORDS he even likes me..or thinks Im a good person ..or that he appreciates me...Now how well do you think its works for me to YELL... I NEED YOU to WANT you to TELL me you LIKE ME! "A" HUSBAND is "supposed" TO say nice things to me..Dont you think you are ODD that you dont WANT to say those things to me?TBH I can work and I can FIND ANYONE to do those things for me..I can FIND someone else..to be FRANK! So YOU need to get some HELP..and find a way to GIVE ME WHAT I NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And I NEED you to NOT just say Im WONDERFUL and physically DO IT...but a NORMAL 'husband' SHOULD want to and FEEL that way about ME!

Dallas

dallasapple said:

Sorry the truth is that drives a person deeper into a withdrawn state of existence..Hostility and judment as in you arent "this and you should be "that" and I can pay for it if you want to know the truth?Doesnt create passion or inspire passion in anyone..let alone someone who may not be feeling it in the first place.I've been there..Im not making it up ..and Im not "taking sides" its just what happens..

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It's interesting sometimes how you read someone's advice to another person, and feel like could be just as well talking to you! (It's one of those God things - something I had to hear!)

dallasapple said:

Well I just think its ironic..I always have and Im not pickign on the OP I've seen it over and over..Getting ANGRY and mad and yelling over wanting love and tenderness and affection...Its the opposite of endearing..and telling someone they arent 'normal" and all of it..So the person is already not apparrently "feeling" warm feelings..then is somehow supposed to open up and feel comfortable doing what already is for whatever reason NOT in your comfort zone..with an angry accusatory person who is demanding it..or throwign out ultimatums..

Sorry the truth is that drives a person deeper into a withdrawn state of existence..Hostility and judment as in you arent "this and you should be "that" and I can pay for it if you want to know the truth?Doesnt create passion or inspire passion in anyone..let alone someone who may not be feeling it in the first place.I've been there..Im not making it up ..and Im not "taking sides" its just what happens..

My husband doesnt like to tell me positive uplifting things in WORDS..he doesnt feel "natural" demonstratign in WORDS he even likes me..or thinks Im a good person ..or that he appreciates me...Now how well do you think its works for me to YELL... I NEED YOU to WANT you to TELL me you LIKE ME! "A" HUSBAND is "supposed" TO say nice things to me..Dont you think you are ODD that you dont WANT to say those things to me?TBH I can work and I can FIND ANYONE to do those things for me..I can FIND someone else..to be FRANK! So YOU need to get some HELP..and find a way to GIVE ME WHAT I NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And I NEED you to NOT just say Im WONDERFUL and physically DO IT...but a NORMAL 'husband' SHOULD want to and FEEL that way about ME!

Dallas

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Honestly I believe this has happen over time. And fussing and pointing the finger at each other doesn't resolve anything.

JaneFW said:

We don't actually know whether his anger came before her lack of affection. His anger may well be a reaction to her lack of affection - which is his claim - but whether it came before OR after, it's still an inappropriate reaction. You don't get someone to want to come and sit next to you, or give you a loving look, by being "like a volcano" (his words). That kinda tends to drive people away.

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Exactly thats the point..and if that offends the OP which so far he hasnt said it does..its seeming to bother only a few other posters..well that is the truth...its actually absurd if you think about it..

LISTEN YOU !!!! SHOW ME LOVE NOW!!!!!!!!!! KISS ME AFFECTIONATELY and GIVE me a WARM EMBRACE! FRANKLY I can BUY SEX and a MAID! But "a' WIFE is SUPPOSED to LOOK lovingly in my EYES!

JaneFW said:

It's interesting sometimes how you read someone's advice to another person, and feel like could be just as well talking to you! (It's one of those God things - something I had to hear!)

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((((HUGS))))))

agreed. volcanoes who assume that they are normal people are dangerous to be around. no one in their right mind enjoys being in the presence of one, much less taking the chance of exposing their vulnerability while being affectionate.

dallasapple said:

Exactly thats the point..and if that offends the OP which so far he hasnt said it does..its seeming to bother only a few other posters..well that is the truth...its actually absurd if you think about it..

LISTEN YOU !!!! SHOW ME LOVE NOW!!!!!!!!!! KISS ME AFFECTIONATELY and GIVE me a WARM EMBRACE! FRANKLY I can BUY SEX and a MAID! But "a' WIFE is SUPPOSED to LOOK lovingly in my EYES!

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Exaggerations of what's been said like this are rarely constructive or helpful.

Right the volcano also "smolders" in between erupting..So hes a smoldering fixing to blow any minute person..all ironically in an attemtp to get her to be tender an affectionate and "warm" and loving wife..then SHE is the one wh has a problem and needs counseling?

One thing to be clear..first off..NOT "liking" a lot of physical affection...NOT "naturally" locking eyes in a smoldering glance of love with your spouse..is not WRONG..Thats got to change first..you cant say she is doing anything WRONG just becasue its something you WANT her to LIKE and she doesnt..

Has anyone for one second accused you of being "wrong" that you want those things?Neither one of you are "wrong "or "odd" or not normal for what you like and don't like.For all we know your wife could say she thinks you are overboard with your need for that and thriving off of it..At least for her taste..

I've been in that exact situation..

My husband has what I consider and I believe many would and exceptional need for exaclty what you are descibing..I have those desires ..just not the the extent he does..so him pushing me for more and over my comfort level felt like I was being SMOTHERED and suffocated..so I started to push him away and say "stop it'..HE then took that as utter rejection and that "something was wrong with me"..NO..nothing is "wrong with me" I just have a LIMIT on having my personal space occupied with another person..It was NEVER enough...Him telling me something was wrong with me..set the stage for COMPETING for "who is normal"...couldnt be we just had different needs...NO thats not possible.."I love you more than you love me'..or "you dont love me' was his opinion of me..and "normal married people WANT to have sex everyday"..Normal this and normal that..."I shouldnrt FEEL the way I do" etc...I was always defending my state of "normalcy"..

You reach a point..that if the other person is so hell bent on believing you arent "normal" and you shouldnt FEEL what you do..and you should FEEL the way they think you should..you tell them they married the WRONG person..and go find that ideal they had you picked out for to fil in the blank space in thier head of "wife"..because obviously Im not it..

I went from "liking" a certain amount of physical affection and saying "I love you" etc..to avoiding it all together..And just saying "you win " Im abnormal..deal with it.Go find a "normal" wife...just leave me alone.

Dallas

Conservativation said:

Me too, and Im not sure his whole point was to invite critique of how he wrote the stinkin letter....sheesh.

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That's for sure. And also, everybody seems to be focusing on the fact that he gets mad and that this letter wasn't written properly, MY point being that usually things of this nature have gotten to this point after YEARS of trying to deal with a problem/issue. I would hazard to guess (and OP if I'm wrong, please correct me) that he wasn't always "volcanic" about this, but it has built up over many years.

pdudgeon said:

sounds like we're pretty much agreed that this guy has absolutely no idea what a real life marriage is supposed to be like. He expects to have a wife who will put him first in everything and meet all his demands,(or else!) and yet he can hardly say anything good about her.

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Not meaning to pick on ya, pdudgeon, but this to me is an example of where we start exaggerating what's going on. You say "He expects to have a wife who will put him first in everything and meet all his demands,(or else!)" , well, who's demanding anything or saying she should put him first in everything??? He's letting her know how he feels. I don't think that's demanding, OR ELSE. JUST my opinion here.

I hope this is helpful, and maybe it's not...but that letter could have been written by MY husband to me a while back.

It's very hard for me to be affectionate with my husband. Not sex mind you, that I could have every day. But the non-sexual touching like hugs and kisses, hanging out with him, cuddling....those are things I just don't think about. It's not intentional, I just don't think about it.

In reality, most of the guys I had dated weren't outwardly affectionate either so I was never really challenged about this. Most seemed thrilled to not have a "clingy" or needy girlfriend so I received positive reinforcement towards my lack of affection and it became more prevalent as I grew older.

But then I met my husband, a guy who really places more value on non-sexual affection than anything else. It was difficult for me to adjust to, and I still have to work hard to give him what he needs. Of course I love him with all my heart, but it just doesn't dawn on me to give him a kiss or tell him I love him. That seems obvious to me based on all the things I do for him (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc) but it's not to him and he needs that validation.

It will take time, but with the right encouragement she can be the wife you need. But you have to find a different way of encouraging her. I think a counselor would be a wise choice, because she doesn't seem to be hearing you right now. Perhaps an unbiased 3rd party would help matters.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It can get better, honestly. It's just gonna take some different methods than you've been employing. A counselor with more insight than we have might be able to give you some ideas.