Ugh, Valentine's day and my Husband.

[Pal Handy]

I did nothing for Valentine's day. Except work 8 hours in a hellish place to earn money to support my fambly.

Jesus knows how you feel...
He hung on our cross and we never seem
to have any time for Him.

 

[Bella Vita]

Sounds to me like you two should look into a good pastoral counselor and get some marriage counseling. It is nothing to be ashamed of but you need to get these issues out in the open and a mediator is not bad to have. Especially now that you have a child you need to get your marriage strong but if it wasn't good before the baby it will only get worse after the baby. Get into counseling get talking and get to changing your behavior.

My husband and I have been in marriage counseling to improve our communication and to deal with some stuff from my abusive past. And it has been amazing for us and it has only been about 2 months. Make sure whatever you do that it is Christian biblical counseling anything else is a waste of your time.

Marriage is tough but you both need to be pulling your weight anything less is not ok and the longer you let him get away with treating you this way the harder it is to break the habits. Good luck I hope it gets better =]

 

[TheDag]

Normally what I am about to suggest is not good way of communicating. however occasionly it helps. Write an email to your husband and send it. Explain at the beginning or straight after you sent it that you are affected by hormones right now which can affect your emotions and that you don't want him to be influenced by that. Then explain in an email how you feel. You basically already have it written down here in this thread so you can basically just cut & paste. Maybe some fine tuning by editing a few words here and there. Then say you would like to discuss it with him and ask him to let you know when a suitable time would be. make sure you mention what you really appreciate eg little gifts or backrubs etc and how they make you feel loved and appreciated.

As soon as you can I would assess what you do. You are doing too much. It may not be easy to stop right now but you can't keep going like this. He needs to pitch in and if he doesn't like housework well so what to be honest. I don't like it either yet I need to do it as my wife can't. thats life. It is good that you are trying to find ways to please him. Perhaps ask what he likes most just to make sure you know rather than guess at his love language.

It is sad that so many males really value their girlfriends opinion and want to get all this nice stuff for her and then get married and do none of that stuff.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

What Bella Vita said 100%. To many people are quick to end a marriage. I'm not married just yet (almost there) but even I know marriage takes work. When things get bad you should be seeing a pastoral (and marraige one) counselor.

 

[LilLamb219]

Well of course you're upset! You both agreed to celebrate Valentine's Day and he didn't come through on his promise.

The weekend is coming up, maybe you could ask him to take you out for a nice after-Valentine's Day dinner and have someone watch the baby for at least an hour and a half. You don't have to stay out long to enjoy each others company.

I don't know why your husband stopped being a romantic. Maybe as others have suggested he was faking it while dating you or he even had help in woo'ing you!

Have you considered instead of waiting for something...to ask for it outright? For the next holiday you exchange gifts could you maybe say, Hey, I found this in Sunday's ad in the paper and I thought that I'd really like that for my gift. What do you think?

It might work?

 

[gideon123]

WeCryOut

This feedback comes from a long-term husband.

Wow! You've got a genuine issue there.
I am actually stunned that any husband would not do something romantic on Valentines Day. You've got every reason to be frustrated and upset about this. A wise person once said ... "Never stop dating your spouse after you get married". That is a very true statement.

I really think you are going to have to get some counseling with your hubby. He seems to be having some kind of real issue in your relationship. There seems to be something about married life, or the fact that you have had a baby recently, that is causing him to really drop his romantic affection for you.

You probably will need to get a counselor that both of you can talk to freely. This means that your hubby has to feel that the counselor will truly listen to his point of view. While I support pastoral counseling, sometimes it's pretty useless with guys - because we just feel that a pastor or church counselor isn't very in touch with mens issues. So you might want to look at alternatives ... if it seems like your hubby rebels against the church option. The main thing is to open up some communication. You do have a legitimate reason for counseling.

Men go through several transtions during married life. The popular press always talks about "midlife crisis". That is always the attention getter. But I have noticed that there are actually about 5-6 major transtions that men go through. Sometimes it is smooth sailing, and it is just not a problm for a guy. But if he gets hung up about certain issues - it can turn into a crisis in the relationship.

Two of these transitions happen early in a marriage. If you are a husband, you don't have to wait until 40 to have crisis. One transition happens within a year or two of getting married, and another happens when the first baby is born. Some husbands get into real issues at either of these stages. I mean - their partnership in the marriage really takes a nosedive, and they may become uncooperative and even angry.

Husbands need to work these things out - if their marriage is going to go for the long run. So you can't ignore the warning signs, if they start occurring. Your hubby cannot drop romance from the menu ... that's a no-no.

cheers,
Gideon123

 

[Pal Handy]

Ok...
We have beaten up on this guy enough.

What is his side?

Is he loving on every other day?

Does he tell you that he loves you?

Does he do other stuff with you?

What is the whole story?

Valentines day means nothing if he is a jerk 364 days a year.

Valentines day means nothing if he treats you good every other day.

So why crucify this guy for this one day?


Why do you expect a present back when you give him one?
Is love so shallow that it comes down to this?

You just had a baby and you are probably suffering from postpartum depression.
Look it up and get some help to get back on track.

 

[Hailey'sWay]

Hi, WCO! This is my first post on the site. I came across your thread and read the first page, plus a few posts on this page, and wanted to respond. (I'll go back and read the rest of your thread later today, when I have more time.).

I've been married for 22 yrs; a bit of a veteran. I haven't read the languages of love book, myself, but I've heard about it and it sounds like it might be a good book for you! Also, I have 4 kiddies, and girl, I can't believe how much you've taken on in your life right now, along with having a newborn! How on earth are you doing it? The sleep depravation alone would get to anyone. I don't think you sound at all overemotional or unbalanced, especially for someone so tired and overworked. *big hugs*

Someone else mentioned doing the legwork, giving your hubby ideas for gifts for you. I agree that this might work. Next holiday or event that's important to you, I'd talk to him a bit beforehand (like you did about V-day) and let him know in a non-threatening, non-accusing way that you'd like to celebrate the event. I wouldn't start toooo big the first time around and overwhelm the guy. Paint him a picture of how you'd like the holiday to look, keeping in mind his own tastes and interests so it'll be fun for both of you. And if it's an event where gifts would be involved, you could choose something for yourself and literally do almost all of the work in making it happen yourself, making it less intimidating for him (just until he gets the hang of gift giving and buying for you). If he doesn't hate shopping, he could go with you to purchase what you've already chosen for yourself ahead of time, and then maybe you could go out for a fun meal (someplace he really likes to eat).

I'm just saying I might start out light and easy until he learns to have fun with holidays. I don't know how your hubby was raised, but maybe holidays and gift giving weren't done big in his home. He might not even know how awesome and fun marriage can be. Maybe he has it in his mind that dating is the fun part, and marriage is just about keeping a family afloat.

I do think communication is super important, but also keep in mind who your hubby is. Pour your emotions out with a friend, and when you talk to your hubby, tell him how you feel more gently, without applying too much pressure and overloading him with expectations. But DO let him know when something is important to you! You want him to understand you without him freaking out and feeling like a fish out of water. We can be pretty complex and intimidating to men sometimes. If he loves you, he'll want to hear your heart and make you happy, as long as he sees and believes it's within his power to do so.

Don't give up on what's important to you, but do be gentle in helping hubby to understand you, and in training him up to be the Mister Wonderful you know he is deep down!

On the other hand, if he's simply being selfish and nasty and you don't think he really even cares about how you feel, I'd definitely suggest seeing a counselor, having a strong support system for yourself, and lots and lots of prayer.

Blessing!

Hailey

 

[StoneWater]

Maybe he has it in his mind that dating is the fun part, and marriage is just about keeping a family afloat.


How is marriage different from dating besides it gets better with time? If the two are competitive enough.....

 

[Hailey'sWay]

Exactly my point, SW.


Hailey

 

[parsley]

You are in school full time, working full time, have a new baby, bought valentine gifts, and people are asking you to do more.

When your grandmother had kids, women stayed in the hospital up to six weeks with the baby, or at least did not go out of the house. One time I took my infant out to get groceries, and an older woman told me I should not take the baby out for 12 weeks, until it had reached an age where s/he could be baptised.

Today, you are being made to feel incompetent because you can't balance everything perfectly three weeks after delivery.

You should be sleeping. If you don't sleep, then you will not be able to do any of this.
Can you stay with a relative for a week, to catch up? This can be very serious.

Back to your husband's resistance, I think he is taking on the immature stance that you have let the baby, work, and school consume your time, and his potential for attention. He should be using this time to be as sacrificial as you have been, but instead is choosing to sulk and retaliate.

Some men don't like the idea of gifts and frivolities, and refuse on principle. They don't see that it leads to better relationship with someone they are close to. By having to comply with social mores, it can feel to them like manipulation -- if they are overly sensitive to it.

When you were dating, you appeared to give him all your attention because you got your work done in between dates. When living together, he might assume you are still "doing nothing" in between times he sees you... or at least want to assume that of you. That would tear you apart, after putting every ounce of energy into things that need to get done.

Something that you might try -- instead of doing gifts, find something that expresses what he would want to do on special days. At least for now. Go out for dinner, walk in the park... just do something that reassures you both that something was done. If he is under duress, he might return to his more romantic state later.

He is probably looking at what your lives have turned into, and is panicking. It's bad timing for you, when he should be sharing the responsibility of your shared child. But some men think they will "never learn that stuff, and it comes naturally to women." He might see this as though you have it all -- baby, job, school, attention, roof over your head -- and he just has his job. Of course your mind is flying and it certainly doesn't seem like a "have it all" setup. But to help understand where he stands on all this, that might give you some ideas.




He doesn't have the

 

[janny108]

I did nothing for Valentine's day. Except work 8 hours in a hellish place to earn money to support my fambly.

what hellish place is this?Can you try to get a different job?

 

[tturt]

competitive enough?

Sometimes I think that's part of the problem. The thinking is husband's on one team with the wife on the opposing team instead they're both on the same team.

Or did you mean compatible enough?

 

[If Not For Grace]

I did nothing for Valentine's day. Except work 8 hours in a hellish place to earn money to support my fambly.

What does going to work on your regular job have to do with ANY holiday?

Why is it so hard for men to be just a bit romantic? It does not have to cost money, to make a woman feel a little special. As the OP states PRIOR to marriage the man is all in romance, Once vows are exchanged a paycheck is supposed to be romantic.

I would have to have an outright talk with my husbnad. In Fact I have. My husband was horrible at gift buying and at celebrating holidays. Once I met his Mother I had a better understnding of why. He was NOT rasied in a home with happliy married parents. His parents were miserable together. They just stayed legally "married" but they did each other way more harm than good. My Husband nor his siblings had a good example to go by. So He made feeble attempts, but bought things that were totally inappropriate for gifts. His idea was to just get something as cheap as possible last minute. He had just never done it.

So I just sat down and talked to him the way I would about any other problem. Telling him how I felt, & what I wanted him to do to correct the situation. He does much better. He told me he was not "a wine & Roses" kind of guy, I said ok, but it won't hurt you to learn what I like and to do that once in a while will it? He agreed. He's still not good at it, but he does better and makes an effort. At Christmas I give him a list of 5 things of which he is to pick 2 from. Not the most romantic, but the pressure of shopping is off him & I get to be surprised. (That'st the part he likes best-He loves surprises..I hate em so it works out pretty good).

Just talk to the man, don't come down on him, but tell him he used to be really good at this and you miss it. Tell him if your feelings were hurt, but let him see it's not the end of the world. It obviously means something to you or you would not have started the thread. If you continue to let it slide, it will fester and turn into a resentment, & one day you're going to blow up at him and he won't know where this all came from. Just tell him.

And Autum Leaf, next year buy your wife a nightgown and maybe she will model it for you. But do something...even if she did not complain she will appreciate it.

 

[TheDag]

And Autum Leaf, next year buy your wife a nightgown and maybe she will model it for you. But do something...even if she did not complain she will appreciate it.

don't worry about autumnleaf he is just a troll always saying what he figures will get people the most worked up