Truths

[LoveDivine]

It doesn't matter if you try or not. It's not based on that.
If someone says 'you're going to get married' they're no more right then if someone says 'you're not going to.'
It doesn't matter if the whole world wants you to get married. You might still not.
It doesn't matter how much you would like to.

I don't think that is true. You can't be so fatalistic.

 

[DragonFox91]

I don't think that is true. You can't be so fatalistic.

I don't know. It is true that it's good either way

 

[bèlla]

It doesn't matter if you try or not. It's not based on that.
If someone says 'you're going to get married' they're no more right then if someone says 'you're not going to.'
It doesn't matter if the whole world wants you to get married. You might still not.
It doesn't matter how much you would like to.

The husband from the videos I shared made a startling admission recently. He said they courted for 12 years before marrying and he never touched her. Their first kiss was on their wedding night and he wasn’t ashamed. It was heartwarming and honestly refreshing.

The more I read your posts the less it seems that companionship is the problem or its lack per se. You’re struggling with two issues and one of them is spiritual and the remedy for what ails. You haven’t reached a place of peace in your aloneness because you haven’t developed the fruit of long-suffering and I encourage you to study it. Marriage requires endurance and you’re going to confront things you never expected. How you handle it is the difference.

Long-suffering refers to the quality of being patient and enduring hardship, annoyance, or provocation over a long period without complaint. It often describes someone who remains calm and forgiving despite facing difficulties or challenges.

We can’t divorce our expectations from today’s culture. Many plans are upended or altered to some degree because of the times. And you can war against it, get frustrated or fall into a depression or accept it and ask the Lord for strength to weather the uncertainty. But you can’t keep responding like a ping pong. You have to stand your ground and remain in that place.

Get rid of the clock and you’ll have less stress. Your union may happen later and that’s okay if she’s the right one. And while I don’t know your type, I hope you’re looking widely and most should follow suit. If everyone’s looking for the same your competition is greater. But the qualities of a wife are borne in singleness and aren’t limited to a culture, hue or frame.

This is when statistical data is helpful. If you widen the net and see how different pairings fare you may be surprised. ;-)

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

I am struggling again.
It's hard being Single in a world the majority get married & you want to too.
It's hard being Single when you could otherwise be married.
It's hard living like you could get married.

I am behind on my Devotions. That probably isn't helping.

 

[DragonFox91]

The husband from the videos I shared made a startling admission recently. He said they courted for 12 years before marrying and he never touched her. Their first kiss was on their wedding night and he wasn’t ashamed. It was heartwarming and honestly refreshing.

That's beautiful. I see a lot of pre-marital touching even in otherwise solid Christian communities. I don't think that's right. I think it's just accepted 'that's what you do.'

The more I read your posts the less it seems that companionship is the problem or its lack per se. You’re struggling with two issues and one of them is spiritual and the remedy for what ails. You haven’t reached a place of peace in your aloneness because you haven’t developed the fruit of long-suffering and I encourage you to study it. Marriage requires endurance and you’re going to confront things you never expected. How you handle it is the difference.

No, it's not the lack of companionship. I have been provided other "help-mates' to borrow your term. Family. Buddies. A church group. Even neighbors & workmates. My problem isn't "loneliness." Those relationships are all good. The problem I guess is the human heart.

Long-suffering refers to the quality of being patient and enduring hardship, annoyance, or provocation over a long period without complaint. It often describes someone who remains calm and forgiving despite facing difficulties or challenges.


This is when statistical data is helpful. If you widen the net and see how different pairings fare you may be surprised. ;-)

~bella

I have often thought if I am to get married what's in the meantime ultimately for, what is the hardship that will come as married. It can make you excited b/c the longsuffering in the relationship would be for a good. I don't think the hardship would necessarily be the relationship itself, but something else......

 

[DragonFox91]

Bleh, I am struggling. I wish this was all over. I been struggling a long time.
I guess its nothing new

 

[bèlla]

That's beautiful. I see a lot of pre-marital touching even in otherwise solid Christian communities. I don't think that's right. I think it's just accepted 'that's what you do.'

There’s some odd ideas in christian circles and the best thing we can do to counter them is to be rooted in the word and affirm its truths daily..

No, it's not the lack of companionship. I have been provided other "help-mates' to borrow your term. Family. Buddies. A church group. Even neighbors & workmates. My problem isn't "loneliness." Those relationships are all good. The problem I guess is the human heart.

I didn’t mean loneliness as in no one in your life. You’re longing for a woman. That’s the sore spot.

I have often thought if I am to get married what's in the meantime ultimately for, what is the hardship that will come as married. It can make you excited b/c the longsuffering in the relationship would be for a good. I don't think the hardship would necessarily be the relationship itself, but something else......

At least you know it won’t be a cakewalk. I used to read marriage books focused on problems to challenge myself and identify my sensitive areas. The behaviors that could break up a home or a separation. It was pretty insightful and the stories were horrible! The majority married for love and didn’t dig into their character enough and allowed emotion to blind them.

Longsuffering isn’t exciting. That’s what you’re going through now and it rarely arrives in the guise we expect. It tests your fortitude and forces you to lean on God in ways you wouldn’t imagine and that’s good for us in the long run and makes us more like Him.

Marriage is easier when you choose the right person. That’s what time affords that speed cannot. There comes a point when euphoria passes and you focus on the qualities you need in a spouse for your betterment. You begin to consider the same within yourself and work on your weaknesses which makes for healthier pairings.

There’s things that appeal to us when we’re unwise that we’d never accept when we mature. As you grow in the Lord your considerations will reflect the shift. You’re playing the long game and have to bear that in mind. Were you qualified to choose a lifelong partner in your twenties? Or do you have a better idea of what covenant involves today?

If the latter is true it wasn’t for naught and you’ve spared yourself a lot of grief. Most people aren’t in that place in their twenties. Life looks different with a little mileage.

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

Often I struggle w/ believing I will not get married.
Today was more 'I will but it's taking way too long'

I often think incorrectly I believed early on I wouldn't get married even tho I wanted to. So when I'm struggling, I refer back to that that "I knew early on I wouldn't get married.'
But that's not true. It was only later in life when I started to believe I wouldn't, when the timetable I had given wasn't happening. "Since it doesn't seem to be happening, it won't happen."

Therefore, if it's a will, then there must be good reason for the wait & it is not taking too long.
I struggle w/ the will tho.

Many times people who try to help out, they've never really had a period of singleness. It's very easy for them to teach 'oh you're gonna get married b/c I got married at 20!' & then the older crowd "I got married at 20 & my kids got married 18 so you will too!" It's hard for someone who's had a long period of singleness to not think they're not all just snake-oil salesmen. Since most people do get married relatively young, this is giong to be the majority of the help you receive. & most help is fine for what it is, but there's only so much other people can do. They can't control who God brings into your life. This is a very hard concept for people who want to help out, b/c ultimately they can only do so much. I wish it was a checklist you can do, but it's not

I guess where I was oging w/ this is it's easy for people to think they will when they've never really had a long period of singleness. To someone who has, the will part is hard to maintain.

There’s some odd ideas in christian circles and the best thing we can do to counter them is to be rooted in the word and affirm its truths daily..

I didn’t mean loneliness as in no one in your life. You’re longing for a woman. That’s the sore spot.

At least you know it won’t be a cakewalk. I used to read marriage books focused on problems to challenge myself and identify my sensitive areas. The behaviors that could break up a home or a separation. It was pretty insightful and the stories were horrible! The majority married for love and didn’t dig into their character enough and allowed emotion to blind them.

Longsuffering isn’t exciting. That’s what you’re going through now and it rarely arrives in the guise we expect. It tests your fortitude and forces you to lean on God in ways you wouldn’t imagine and that’s good for us in the long run and makes us more like Him.

Marriage is easier when you choose the right person. That’s what time affords that speed cannot. There comes a point when euphoria passes and you focus on the qualities you need in a spouse for your betterment. You begin to consider the same within yourself and work on your weaknesses which makes for healthier pairings.

There’s things that appeal to us when we’re unwise that we’d never accept when we mature. As you grow in the Lord your considerations will reflect the shift. You’re playing the long game and have to bear that in mind. Were you qualified to choose a lifelong partner in your twenties? Or do you have a better idea of what covenant involves today?

If the latter is true it wasn’t for naught and you’ve spared yourself a lot of grief. Most people aren’t in that place in their twenties. Life looks different with a little mileage.

~bella

But I am not in my 20s anymore Ms. Bella. :/

 

[bèlla]

Often I struggle w/ believing I will not get married.
Today was more 'I will but it's taking way too long'

What do you believe you could do today that wouldn’t impossible later? If the Lord ordained marriage for you and specific things within the union you needn’t worry about the time. Have you forgotten who controls it? Have you ever heard the term a quick work? You could be single today and married in six months. Later doesn’t necessarily mean a lengthy courtship or engagement.

I often think incorrectly I believed early on I wouldn't get married even tho I wanted to. So when I'm struggling, I refer back to that that "I knew early on I wouldn't get married.'
But that's not true. It was only later in life when I started to believe I wouldn't, when the timetable I had given wasn't happening. "Since it doesn't seem to be happening, it won't happen."

It sounds like a negative loop. You’ll need a different response to combat it. That’s where affirmations can help. And I don’t mean the new age stuff. But spiritual declarations that affirm the Lord’s words on the subject to calm your fears. I’d chose 10 verses and recite five when I wake and 5 before resting and rotate them every month.

Fasting is another tool in your arsenal. If you opt to do so I’d dedicate the prayers to marriage, your future wife and family. Do you pray for them often? I used to do it everyday for years and it sears the mind wonderfully. You’ll have an overflow of loving requests soothing your heart and spirit. Which helps to keep the doldrums away.

Therefore, if it's a will, then there must be good reason for the wait & it is not taking too long.
I struggle w/ the will tho.

Do you like to have control? What other areas in your life forces you to rely on others?

Many times people who try to help out, they've never really had a period of singleness. It's very easy for them to teach 'oh you're gonna get married b/c I got married at 20!' & then the older crowd "I got married at 20 & my kids got married 18 so you will too!"

I think there was a time when that was so but we live in a different age. If you were warned about society’s changes in your youth and advised marriage could take longer than expected it wouldn’t hurt as much. What you’re experiencing is akin to being blindsided. You’ve believed one thing for years and had to make adjustments and it isn’t easy.

I guess where I was oging w/ this is it's easy for people to think they will when they've never really had a long period of singleness. To someone who has, the will part is hard to maintain.

All trials are difficult. This is merely the one you’ve been given. What distinguishes its gravity is how you see it and what you focus on. As long as you have a clock before your eyes time moves slowly. But if you asked yourself what you should do today that would be less feasible with a wife and family you may begin to notice it less.

Some time away might be good. Maybe a location overseas or something out of the ordinary like a cruise. There‘s quite a few singles on ships and activities designed for solo travelers. And they’re a lot of fun. Go on some adventures and do the things that wouldn’t appeal to women. You posted about nascar the other day. Go to a race or take lessons. You only live once. See formula one in person. Go to a golf event like the ryder cup. You have a lot of options.

When you spend a lot of time at home you’ll have too much time to think and that’s detrimental if the things you’re focusing on dampen your spirits. A combination of local activities, fellowship, travel and personal interests will help keep the sadness at bay.

But I am not in my 20s anymore Ms. Bella. :/

Of course you’re not and you’ve matured since your arrival. ;-)

 

[DragonFox91]

What do you believe you could do today that wouldn’t impossible later?

I don't know what this means

If the Lord ordained marriage for you and specific things within the union you needn’t worry about the time. Have you forgotten who controls it? Have you ever heard the term a quick work? You could be single today and married in six months. Later doesn’t necessarily mean a lengthy courtship or engagement.

I used to think it has to be be a lengthy courtship & engagement. I don't really think that anymore. I would know early on if the person is right. It would end early if I didn't think the person was right.

It sounds like a negative loop. You’ll need a different response to combat it. That’s where affirmations can help. And I don’t mean the new age stuff. But spiritual declarations that affirm the Lord’s words on the subject to calm your fears. I’d chose 10 verses and recite five when I wake and 5 before resting and rotate them every month.

Hey that sounds more Biblical Christianity then past stuff you've suggested. I like that. What kind of verses?

Fasting is another tool in your arsenal. If you opt to do so I’d dedicate the prayers to marriage, your future wife and family. Do you pray for them often? I used to do it everyday for years and it sears the mind wonderfully. You’ll have an overflow of loving requests soothing your heart and spirit. Which helps to keep the doldrums away.

I willingly fast very rarely.. I always want to more but don't. It's sad b/c it's very helpful to do.

I do not pray fo them often. It's hard to pray for someone you don't have & may not have.

Do you like to have control? What other areas in your life forces you to rely on others?

It often seems like you have very little control. I don't know about relying on others, but people ask you to do things & you do them. You have to do what other people want you to do. It's not you relying on others so much as people relying on you.

I think there was a time when that was so but we live in a different age. If you were warned about society’s changes in your youth and advised marriage could take longer than expected it wouldn’t hurt as much. What you’re experiencing is akin to being blindsided. You’ve believed one thing for years and had to make adjustments and it isn’t easy.

What changed? Why does it take longer?

All trials are difficult. This is merely the one you’ve been given. What distinguishes its gravity is how you see it and what you focus on. As long as you have a clock before your eyes time moves slowly. But if you asked yourself what you should do today that would be less feasible with a wife and family you may begin to notice it less.

Some time away might be good. Maybe a location overseas or something out of the ordinary like a cruise. There‘s quite a few singles on ships and activities designed for solo travelers. And they’re a lot of fun. Go on some adventures and do the things that wouldn’t appeal to women. You posted about nascar the other day. Go to a race or take lessons. You only live once. See formula one in person. Go to a golf event like the ryder cup. You have a lot of options.

Oh yes, we've done those things. They are good. I don't just sit around. That's why it's frustrating, right? You're living like you otherwise could get married, like people who do get married, & everything is good, only it's still a struggle. We had actually went to the race (I guess I just didn't feel comfortable posting that), & went on a cruise earlier in the year. I wasn't even thinking about getting married on the cruise, I was just kind of taking it all in.

When you spend a lot of time at home you’ll have too much time to think and that’s detrimental if the things you’re focusing on dampen your spirits. A combination of local activities, fellowship, travel and personal interests will help keep the sadness at bay.

Of course you’re not and you’ve matured since your arrival. ;-)

Maybe. I still fall into these down-periods & I still struggle w/ the want

Okay, I find good stuff to do today. I can't keep dwellign on this today

 

[DragonFox91]

I am not well. I am sorry, guys

I just feel lied to

 

[bèlla]

I don't know what this means

It’s a reference to seasons of life. We’re supposed to live with that in mind. There are things we can do when we’re not encumbered for the Lord and personal enjoyment. Imagine a plate if you will and place your responsibilities upon it. Now consider the same in light of marriage. The majority will remain. Some may be reassigned to your spouse but you’re going to have additions. You don’t have the liberty of time anymore. You have a duty to another and it will increase when you have a family and more is added to your plate in response.

If there’s something you’re interested in now you can explore it without concern. You can delve deeply into a subject because you’re not ignoring someone. You can participate in activities that may not be of interest to a woman. You don’t have the same considerations when you’re alone that you’ll encounter when you’re yoked. And too few take advantage of it.

This is why the bible emphasizes the importance of vision. We need to have a plan for every stage. Which implies a set of goals while you’re single and another you devise with your wife when you’re married with children and one for your golden years when you’re empty nesters. You don’t wing it as you go.

Hey that sounds more Biblical Christianity then past stuff you've suggested. I like that. What kind of verses?

Declarations are biblical and another word for the same. You apply the word to circumstances and pray it back. “I am” reinforces our godly essence of being made in His image. We don’t affirm our thoughts and feelings when they contradict the truth. We acknowledge them and counter with the word. And eventually the admissions will decrease and we’ll meet them with scripture and ignore them. That doesn’t happen overnight but you’ll notice a difference with constancy.

The purpose of the practice is alignment and strengthening our armor. We’re attacked in different ways based on the weaknesses the devil perceives. That’s why lying to ourselves is bad. Confronting the problem allows us to address it spiritually by using the Lord’s solution. Words carry a lot of weight spiritually. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. Life is found in agreeing with Him. But when we do otherwise we’re hurting ourselves.

Broaching it from three positions is ideal. We ask for insight from the Lord and give attention to those areas. We observe our behaviors and struggles and address them similarly. And we look at the areas of attack. The things that make us doubt or reject the truth or elicit fears and we handle them the same.

Visualize a fortress if you will. There’s always a weak point in the wall. That’s where he attacks. While you’re noticing what he says consider what never comes up. That’s usually a place of strength or one you’re not susceptible for temptation. You’re on solid ground in those areas and it can be increased if you’re willing.

I willingly fast very rarely.. I always want to more but don't. It's sad b/c it's very helpful to do.

Why don’t you do it? You have a problem you’re trying to surmount that makes you sad. If I felt like you I’d do it weekly or more for my peace of mind in addition to its accomplishment. Your pain is a form of warfare and must be handled in kind. You have to fight it through prayer and fasting.

I do not pray fo them often. It's hard to pray for someone you don't have & may not have.

Don’t take this the wrong way. But what are they teaching you at church? Are you not aware that your prayers are directed to the intended and stored up in heaven?

What changed? Why does it take longer?

The biggest impediment for christians in this period is the lack of networks and involvement from their loved ones. You’re going it alone when most people met through shared experiences or someone they were connected to like the article @Richard T shared. Women would discuss this amongst their friends and if their son was single and someone knew a girl who was as well they’d arrange for them to meet.

Our friend groups are smaller now. We had more acquaintances in the past and activities that drew us together. The church had a lot of events when we were growing up and we were catholic. We had dances, skating parties, trips out of state, holiday gatherings, picnics and so on. Our fellowship was fun. It wasn’t about bible study or small groups and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we had a social outlet you’re lacking and forced to find on your own.

Older people were notorious matchmakers. They’d whisper in your ear and nudge you towards someone. But I don’t think that happens too much unless you’re in a setting with church mothers where the practice is common. We can mention feminism and societal changes and while they played a part the shift in christian culture had a greater impact. And a lot of parents are uninvolved and assume you don’t want their help and give you space out of respect. But coming clean is best and you never who they’re connected to that may know someone.

We had actually went to the race (I guess I just didn't feel comfortable posting that), & went on a cruise earlier in the year. I wasn't even thinking about getting married on the cruise, I was just kind of taking it all in.

There’s travel groups for singles of all ages and you may want to see if christian ones exist.

Maybe you should take up gardening or go to a homesteading conference. You‘d be amazed how many women are looking for that. They’re watching cooking and bread making videos and dreaming of the same. It may sound funny at first glance but there’s a lot of christians there and being home is the goal. And a lot of them want to homeschool too. ;-)

If traditional values are a priority that’s going to weed out a lot. It doesn’t mean there’s no one in those spaces but there’s a culture around homesteading that’s decidedly christian and traditional and they believe in community. It’s part of the lifestyle.

 

[DragonFox91]

It’s a reference to seasons of life. We’re supposed to live with that in mind. There are things we can do when we’re not encumbered for the Lord and personal enjoyment. Imagine a plate if you will and place your responsibilities upon it. Now consider the same in light of marriage. The majority will remain. Some may be reassigned to your spouse but you’re going to have additions. You don’t have the liberty of time anymore. You have a duty to another and it will increase when you have a family and more is added to your plate in response.

If there’s something you’re interested in now you can explore it without concern. You can delve deeply into a subject because you’re not ignoring someone. You can participate in activities that may not be of interest to a woman. You don’t have the same considerations when you’re alone that you’ll encounter when you’re yoked. And too few take advantage of it.

This is why the bible emphasizes the importance of vision. We need to have a plan for every stage. Which implies a set of goals while you’re single and another you devise with your wife when you’re married with children and one for your golden years when you’re empty nesters. You don’t wing it as you go.

Oh okay that makes sense. Would you say having some big goal is a pre-req for getting married? Otherwise I don't think I will ever get married & this is all working for something else. It doesn't seem like every couple has some big goal.

Declarations are biblical and another word for the same. You apply the word to circumstances and pray it back. “I am” reinforces our godly essence of being made in His image. We don’t affirm our thoughts and feelings when they contradict the truth. We acknowledge them and counter with the word. And eventually the admissions will decrease and we’ll meet them with scripture and ignore them. That doesn’t happen overnight but you’ll notice a difference with constancy.

The purpose of the practice is alignment and strengthening our armor. We’re attacked in different ways based on the weaknesses the devil perceives. That’s why lying to ourselves is bad. Confronting the problem allows us to address it spiritually by using the Lord’s solution. Words carry a lot of weight spiritually. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. Life is found in agreeing with Him. But when we do otherwise we’re hurting ourselves.

Broaching it from three positions is ideal. We ask for insight from the Lord and give attention to those areas. We observe our behaviors and struggles and address them similarly. And we look at the areas of attack. The things that make us doubt or reject the truth or elicit fears and we handle them the same.

Visualize a fortress if you will. There’s always a weak point in the wall. That’s where he attacks. While you’re noticing what he says consider what never comes up. That’s usually a place of strength or one you’re not susceptible for temptation. You’re on solid ground in those areas and it can be increased if you’re willing.

Yes this is all right! I get into good habits & everything seems to be going well & then I stumble. I've fallen horribly right now. Sometimes there's a specific stumbling block, sometimes it's just hard doing it alone (I don't think you're always meant to do it alone, it messes you up, you have the Lord, but w/out another person, it leads to self-righteousness. I was going to post something about that in that hermit thread yesterday but didn't. Being a Christian alone leads to self-righteousness)

Why don’t you do it? You have a problem you’re trying to surmount that makes you sad. If I felt like you I’d do it weekly or more for my peace of mind in addition to its accomplishment. Your pain is a form of warfare and must be handled in kind. You have to fight it through prayer and fasting.

Sometimes I am not sure if fasting is a form of self-flagellation or trying to manipulate God & when the Bible talks about fasting, it doesn't mean like doing it b/c you want to get married, but, like, unplanned circumstances. Like I've really fallen now & have had just a couple apples the past few days. Wasn't planned.

Don’t take this the wrong way. But what are they teaching you at church? Are you not aware that your prayers are directed to the intended and stored up in heaven?

What does this mean? I think just b/c you pray about getting married, it doesn't mean you will get married (doesn't mean God is mean, just working something better for you)

The biggest impediment for christians in this period is the lack of networks and involvement from their loved ones. You’re going it alone when most people met through shared experiences or someone they were connected to like the article @Richard T shared. Women would discuss this amongst their friends and if their son was single and someone knew a girl who was as well they’d arrange for them to meet.

Our friend groups are smaller now. We had more acquaintances in the past and activities that drew us together. The church had a lot of events when we were growing up and we were catholic. We had dances, skating parties, trips out of state, holiday gatherings, picnics and so on. Our fellowship was fun. It wasn’t about bible study or small groups and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we had a social outlet you’re lacking and forced to find on your own.

The church group I go to very rarely does activities like that. Why should they? The marrieds who lead it all got married & partnered up & had children, they don't see a need to socialize like that or are busy w/ kids I guess, they got what they wanted & it's done.

I go to Sunday School but the single men talk w/ the single men (& married men) & the single women talk w/ the single women (& married women). There's no mix.

I'll tell you what's spurred me falling into the pit: the singles in the group are starting to find partners outside the church. I was afraid of this happening, & it is. The Singles who were content w/ waiting but desire to get married are starting to get restless. Maybe there'll be one who doesn't?

Older people were notorious matchmakers. They’d whisper in your ear and nudge you towards someone. But I don’t think that happens too much unless you’re in a setting with church mothers where the practice is common. We can mention feminism and societal changes and while they played a part the shift in christian culture had a greater impact. And a lot of parents are uninvolved and assume you don’t want their help and give you space out of respect. But coming clean is best and you never who they’re connected to that may know someone.

I've expressed my desire to be married to a couple older-generation friends at church & talk to them about it. They encourage me to keep trying but don't matchmake. I've told them I wouldn't go on a forced-date. (but I wish they'd nudge me a certain direction)

My parents are hard to talk about w/ this. They think it s/b easy. I think they're clueless. They don't understand the concept one wouldn't be interested in you. (I wonder does the Father see it that way, that one should be interested in you? How much more does the Father love you then your parents)

There’s travel groups for singles of all ages and you may want to see if christian ones exist.

Maybe you should take up gardening or go to a homesteading conference. You‘d be amazed how many women are looking for that. They’re watching cooking and bread making videos and dreaming of the same. It may sound funny at first glance but there’s a lot of christians there and being home is the goal. And a lot of them want to homeschool too. ;-)

If traditional values are a priority that’s going to weed out a lot. It doesn’t mean there’s no one in those spaces but there’s a culture around homesteading that’s decidedly christian and traditional and they believe in community. It’s part of the lifestyle.

A single guy can't join those things w/out coming off across as creepy. It's a good suggestion tho. I found in the past when I would try non-Christian events, it was all non-Christians.

Anyways thanks for talking. It helps just to have a ear <3

 

[bèlla]

Oh okay that makes sense. Would you say having some big goal is a pre-req for getting married? Otherwise I don't think I will ever get married & this is all working for something else. It doesn't seem like every couple has some big goal.

Every christian should endeavor to know why they’re here and how the kingdom is bettered by their presence. We see this in action in Esther. No one is here by mistake irrespective of the circumstances of our birth. God needed us on earth in this period. We can’t get the answer from the pulpit because the majority don’t see ministry beyond the church. But Paul reveals otherwise in his analogy with the body. Every morsel has a function. It isn’t a decoration and when it’s absent or doesn’t behave as it should we have problems.

You can marry without doing so but you’d have a better union by finding the answer beforehand. Because it’s part of your duty to the Lord and an area in need of assistance from your spouse. Much like we seek the best person for the job in the natural we want a similar level of mindfulness with our companion. The union is bigger than you both but how can you have a holy focus if everyone is clueless and grasping at straws? You won’t know where to begin.

We answer the question as singles so we’re not relying on emotion to make lifelong decisions. Emotions shift. We need solid foundations for our togetherness. Sin will wound the heart. But if there’s a higher purpose for the bond both can see and touch it’s easier to weather than not. We’re not the main feature God is. Putting His will before our own helps us stay the course.

Let’s assume you have a passion for singles and your experiences have ignited a desire to support men like yourself in this season. In layman’s terms we’re looking at teaching and discipleship and possibly some form of shepherding too depending on your gifts. You’ll probably do this in addition to your work initially. That’s fairly common.

Knowing that upfront is helpful. The woman best suited for you will have comparable interests and skills that support you and your work. You may want someone with a passion for women whose calling enhances your own. Now there‘s an opportunity to serve the pair in that season and the early days of marriage. She’s the missing component. Now your life bears witness to His faithfulness and you’re giving others what you lacked and providing a ray of hope. You’ve become a light.

You could do it the other way of course. Meet someone, fall in love, go to church and raise a family. That’s the common path. But how many lives will be touched or changed by that approach? How many will remember you at all? If you looked at the bible and could do the things another has outside of Christ who would you choose? You get two options. The answer will tell you a lot about yourself in relation to your question.

Yes this is all right! I get into good habits & everything seems to be going well & then I stumble. I've fallen horribly right now.

We wrestle not against flesh and blood. Many of the things we’re grappling with are taking place in the spirit realm and affecting this plane. Evil alters the atmosphere and produces lethargy, heaviness, excitability and so on. Which often becomes laziness, procrastination, depression, emotional instability, etc.

We combat it through a triune response from greatest to least. Spirit is foremost and that includes prayer, fasting, worship and contemplation. The latter can include reading the bible, meditating on scriptures, memorization, scriptural writing or journaling and silence.

It’s important to develop the habit of a God-first response. We often rely on ourselves or another as our go-to but we don’t have the power He possesses nor an army to dispense on our behalf. It requires practice of course but you’ll find your inner tattletale just like little children. They run to their parents for help and don’t try to solve problems on their own. And we must do the same.

Once you deal with spirit you’ll tackle your mind and emotions. They’re the greatest impediment to action. But if you strengthen them spiritually through prayer you can reinforce your efforts. This is where declarations come in and casting down thoughts and imaginations. They’re a lot like arrows and we repel them by the word. That’s why memorization is useful. Because that’s your volley. We’re not merely defending against the attack we’re hitting back with our sword. And the more you have within you the sooner it will end. Resist the devil and he will flee.

The final element is the temple and we must see it the way God does. We can’t follow the world’s example on our flesh and bring it under subjection. It won’t respond. This is where we address physical pleasures and neglect and nothing is ignored. Which means honesty concerning our diet, consumption, vices and upkeep. If we’re sons and daughters of the King we should behave as such. And that doesn’t mean grandeur or materialism. But it does require attentiveness and discipline.

Children of the Lord should never be slovenly. If we have time for our phones and the internet we have time for our toilette as well. And more than a few must get reacquainted with their iron. When we look in the mirror we should appear clean and respectable unless circumstances prevent it. God should inspire our effort and draw attention to Him because of our difference. They should see it in our health, fitness, upkeep and deportment. We shouldn’t be comfortable looking like the rest or living like them either.

And the other side of this is environment. We cannot have peace in chaos and our homes must honor the Lord. We don’t look the part as christians we live it. Look around your environment and ask yourself what does it communicate? Can you invite someone over for lunch or is it necessary to clean before they arrive? We must establish good habits in our housekeeping to be of service to the Lord. While cleanliness isn’t next to godliness as we‘re told. It says a lot about our holiness and convictions. If we can live in confusion and we’re never pricked that‘s a problem.

This is the way I live. I don’t hit everything perfectly and there’s other components that are specific to me alone. But it’s doable. It doesn’t require money or hours at our disposal. The lone necessity is love and duty. If we love the Lord we want to do what He says and improve the kingdom with our presence. We want to honor Him in our lives, relationships and homes and be ambassadors for the gospel through our example. And if we believe it’s our duty to do so we will. Imperfectly so. But we’ll try nonetheless.

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. --J.M. Barrie

Sometimes I am not sure if fasting is a form of self-flagellation or trying to manipulate God & when the Bible talks about fasting,

How can the vessel manipulate its Creator? We will never be equal and His knowledge is endless. Before a word is uttered He already knows our mind and heart on the matter. He knows the beginning and end and the result of our petition. None of which we possess. Understanding our littleness in deference to His greatness will dispel thoughts along those lines. We can’t twist His arm. Satan tried and failed and we’re not him.

Fasting is a mechanism for expelling and refilling. Imagine a glass of unfiltered water. We know it’s full of poisons we can’t detect with the naked eye that’s harmful and we’re a lot like that. But notice what happens when it‘s emptied and poured through a filter. The result is clean and clear. In Psalm 51 David said, purge me with hyssop and I will be clean, wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Hyssop was used for purification during that period.

The Lord has given us a greater Source for the pair. The Holy Spirit is our filter. He‘s responsible for extracting the impediments that make us unclean. We’re washed through the blood, a fresh infilling of the spirit and the word. We deny ourselves when we fast to be washed and filled. Our petitions are cries for mercy. Oftentimes the things that inspire us to fast are more than we can handle.

What does this mean? I think just b/c you pray about getting married, it doesn't mean you will get married (doesn't mean God is mean, just working something better for you)

Prayer is not about getting things. It’s a form of communion between you and the Lord. Desires shouldn’t be the bulk of our discourse nor should problems. We can’t revere Him if most of our conversation is about ourselves. If we’re talking we can’t receive and Mary showed the appropriate stance at the Master‘s feet. She began with reception first which allows us to hear His heart and directives before our own are raised. You’ll discover that by doing so He’ll mention them without suggestion. Whether we’re praying or not. His interjections are plentiful when you relate like this and you’ll talk throughout the day if you’re willing.

Brother Lawrence touched on this in Practicing the Presence of God. He’s ever present. Whether we’re praying, watching television, online, etc. We understand the concept theoretically but never put it in action. We’ve convinced ourselves that time with God only relates to certain tasks. But we’ll have more time to converse than anything else and we can do it anywhere.

When I worked on the farm we had to be there at 6am on certain days to go to a larger facility. I’d have to leave after 4am to get there. It was dark outside and not a lot of foot traffic. I would spend that period talking to Him and reading a devotional on the days I worked. He gave me favor with a gentleman who worked at the farm. He would meet me at a designated spot and pick me up and take me with him.

I was on the train and bus and you couldn’t get me to do the same today. But I was there for a reason and He covered me and I ministered to my coworkers too. The person who extended the kindness on my behalf was a believer. He had a dream of owning a homestead and I told him how to go about it, fund his children’s education through their talent and more. We were blessing one another as the Lord intended.

You‘ve allowed this topic to fill you with doubts and make you feel powerless. You’re focusing on the thing you lack like Adam when there‘s a garden around you you’re overlooking. If I never marry that doesn’t mean He failed or isn’t faithful. He’s proven otherwise elsewhere. That’s why a lot of people practice gratitude so they won’t forget. Maybe you should do the same.

The church group I go to very rarely does activities like that. Why should they? The marrieds who lead it all got married & partnered up & had children, they don't see a need to socialize like that or are busy w/ kids I guess, they got what they wanted & it's done.

You’re in a building full of bodies. There may be others with similar desires who haven’t spoken up or people you can meet through different pursuits. We don’t have to wait for someone to solve the problem. Sometimes it’s pressing us because we’re the solution. I didn’t wait for the church to teach me how to pray, hear from the Lord, start a business/ministry, or prepare for marriage. If I waited for christians to act I wouldn’t accomplish very much. Most of you are waiting on someone to do the same instead of using the gifts you were given. You’re too passive.

I go to Sunday School but the single men talk w/ the single men (& married men) & the single women talk w/ the single women (& married women). There's no mix.

This is where I differ from others when it comes to church. It’s harder to find the right community than it is to find good teaching. We hear more complaints about the body than the pastor. As long as he’s solid that’s fine. I can supplement what he says with others. But community is harder to replace and the internet isn’t a substitution. I don’t join churches that are Sunday only facilities or ones that center their activities around the Lord alone. I look for people doing life together. Which includes attendance, study, fellowship and friendship.

You can’t build a relationship with people who aren’t willing to invest. That isn’t a sister or brother. It’s a familiar stranger. You won’t recognize the difference if you’ve never had a friend. You don’t build that bond through absence or small talk. You need quality time and mutual sharing.

When you grow in the Lord you become more expansive and want to impact the people around you. You’re not twenty ships sailing in different directions meeting at a port and on your way. What is that? You’re going through the motions when He told us to be one. That’s what led me to the Anabaptists and the amish stood out in my youth. No group is perfect and I don’t agree with everything they believe but they understand togetherness on a level few can emulate.

I remember a video on YouTube during the pandemic. It was a barn raising that was being replaced due to a fire if I recall. It was a community event and everyone helped. The men did the heavy work and the women provided food and refreshments. There’s a moment after the framing was in and everyone’s on the roof and hammering in unison. Seeing that in action brought tears to my eyes. I was struck by the depth of their unity and willingness to serve a brother in need.

I’ve been behind the scenes at several churches and most of the members don’t get involved. There’s a handful of people they can count on that carry the congregation and that isn’t what Christ had in mind.

I'll tell you what's spurred me falling into the pit: the singles in the group are starting to find partners outside the church. I was afraid of this happening, & it is. The Singles who were content w/ waiting but desire to get married are starting to get restless. Maybe there'll be one who doesn't?

That isn’t surprising and I’ve mentioned it before as a warning. What I noted above is applicable too. There’s no ethos of taking care of one’s own because it isn’t a community it’s where they go to church and that isn’t one and the same. That doesn’t mean everyone will meet their spouse in church. But you probably know a number of people between you that might be suitable for someone in the group.

My friends and I used to help one another with men all the time and we weren’t saved. We helped because we cared and wanted them to be happy. That happens frequently in the world. What’s wrong with the church? You call yourselves siblings but live like islands. That’s why many fall between the cracks.

That’s where culture comes in because the pastor sets the tone. He has to establish an environment of mutual service. It’s not enough to say he wants to see the singles married. He has to encourage you to consider one another and tell the congregation to assist if they know others. The church could sponsor an event where you’re encouraged to bring someone single. Or make it a focus for a Sunday service. You can do monthly meet and greets as well.

But maybe he isn’t aware it’s a problem. That’s where you come in. We’re not there to learn alone. We’re meant to solve a problem through our presence. And a strong community doesn’t mean the latter‘s lacking. There’s always something to confront or improve.

I've expressed my desire to be married to a couple older-generation friends at church & talk to them about it. They encourage me to keep trying but don't matchmake. I've told them I wouldn't go on a forced-date. (but I wish they'd nudge me a certain direction)

Why would you mention a forced date when you’re struggling to meet prospects? You should have answered differently and welcomed their suggestions and introductions.

 

[bèlla]

My parents are hard to talk about w/ this. They think it s/b easy. I think they're clueless. They don't understand the concept one wouldn't be interested in you. (I wonder does the Father see it that way, that one should be interested in you? How much more does the Father love you then your parents)

We’re more self-absorbed now and base our decisions on factors beyond character and security which were their main motivations during that age. And security didn’t mean assets. It referred to your work ethic and prospects. The opportunities he was putting in place not the end result. Physical attraction was a factor but a wife and mother were foremost and those are the qualities that mattered.

The Father has never given me the impression that everyone should be interested in me. But He’s demonstrated my biases could be overcome if I saw the other as He does. When He looks at us He sees Jesus. Not our limitations or imperfections. It was a horrible lesson! ~lol

One day we had a conversation about someone I was involved with in the past and He was nudging me. He’d given me a dream a little earlier but I wasn’t on board. I told Him why I felt that way and what I wanted instead. And He told me it wasn’t needed and I possessed the same within myself. But the other did not and my presence would provide it and be a blessing. What can you say to that?

No one is unscathed by society. It affects the way we see ourselves and one another. If we’re receptive to His input He can point out problem areas and encourage us to be more openminded. We’ve been programmed to esteem finished products. And I don’t mean perfection by that. But those who embody the qualities the culture values in a holy package. We’re all a work in progress in varying stages of transformation. Some have better starting points, more resources and support than others which heightens their appeal.

A single guy can't join those things w/out coming off across as creepy. It's a good suggestion tho. I found in the past when I would try non-Christian events, it was all non-Christians.

Anyways thanks for talking. It helps just to have a ear <3

Some travel groups are single-sex or mixed. Many are divided by age groups as well. Missionary and study trips are additional options that have christian components. Combining the things you enjoy with opportunities to meet others will expand your network. You can’t expect everything to be at arms length. You have to be willing to go beyond your environment. You can’t rely on the church alone to meet someone if you’re not in a setting where that’s occurring.

But if you choose to do so you must accept the wait and the possibility of disappointment. You’ve put your eggs in one basket. I wouldn’t do the same. I’d keep an open mind about meeting someone there and consider other avenues as well. Spreading my net increase opportunities.

That’s why I shared the couple. When they met she didn’t know the Lord and he invited her to church and she finally relented. Then she came to faith and matured and they began to date. He encouraged her ministry and gifts. She wouldn’t be where she was without his support. Everyone can’t do the same because they’re watching the clock and want marriage yesterday. But he got a woman of God and a prayer warrior whose work enriches his own.

Some people are seeking a pastor in layman’s clothes due to errant teachings. It isn’t necessary to have a biblical scholar on your arms and shepherding usually happens in pairs. Both parties will have a mutual desire to guide and a burden for their flock. That’s a higher degree of responsibility and service. To expect the same from someone who isn’t called to that path (and nor are you) is unrealistic. That isn’t directed to you personally but a frequent issue many have shared.

We don’t have to know everything about God to get married. A teachable spirit is priceless. We’re putting stumbling blocks on one another unnecessarily. That’s why I weighed my suitors with my purpose in mind. The priorities were sound and weren’t reliant on attraction or emotions. I’m not going to set someone aside who provides most of the things I need on the Lord’s page in deference to the other.

You take what’s lacking to the Father and seek His will for the union. If He wants you to proceed you give Him your decision and address the other in prayer. We don’t cease to seek what’s best for our spouse and we’ll never run out of things to pray about. That‘s why we start when we’re single and pour liberally into our spouse and children in prayer. We don’t need to know who they are for the prayer to find its target. And we can’t assume they’re receiving the same from others. We may be the lone one interceding.

We have to become more proactive spiritually and smooth the path for ourselves and others. Every aspect of our lives should be bathed in prayer. Most of our struggles are the result of its absence. God bless you.

 

[DragonFox91]

How shall I respond to this? My cup overflows