**Trigger warning** - Why can't I move on?

[cloudedsunset]

In case you missed the title…

***Trigger Warning!!!***

I’m not really a new member here but don’t feel comfortable posting with my regular account just yet. I keep having flashbacks back to the times he hurt me…nothing seems to stop them and it feels like I’m reliving it every day. I can’t keep it to myself though. I need to write it. I’m sorry if this is against any rules, but I’ve seen similar posts recently and hope its ok. I’m adding a big trigger warning to the top too though. Please be careful if you read any further.
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When I was younger my Dad was a businessman and he and my Mother travelled a lot. When this happened, I would often stay with my Aunt and her partner from about the time I was 12. I adored my Aunt, but there was something about her partner that always scared me… the way he used to look at me.

Before long, I ended up staying there once every two weeks while my parents had other duties, or just didn’t want me at home. Things were fine at first, until my Aunt started having to work the same nights that I stayed there – this left just her partner and me there. This was when things started getting bad. He started making crude comments to me, and wanting to watch me as I changed or showered although I never let him come near me. I was terrified of him but didn’t know what to do about it.

Over time things just got worse, my Aunt was working night shift so didn’t come home at all. He constantly kept making comments and pressuring me, until one night I woke up to him standing over me. I will never forget that night. He made me do things that, although I didn’t know what they really were at the time, made me feel gross and awkward. That continued, and kept getting worse to the point where he started raping me every time I was there. I knew I should have tried to stop him or cried out or something, but every time he was there I would freeze. I just couldn’t move or talk or do anything at all to stop him. I would just lie there until it was over and he left before huddling in the corner.

At the time, I tried to tell my parents what was going on – first that I just didn’t like being at my Aunts, to the point where I actually tried to tell them what he had done, but they never believed me. According to them, and the rest of the family, he was perfect for my Aunt and could never hurt a fly. So it continued for 3 ½ years and there was nothing I could do.

When I was almost 16, I managed to convince my parents that I was old enough to stay on my own and didn’t need to stay there anymore. Soon after that, my Aunt and her partner broke up anyway so he was no longer around. But things never got any easier from there. I started getting flashbacks to the nights and could never sleep. I was unable to feel or show any kinds of emotion, and that just made me feel worse and worthless. My parents and family still fought and blamed me for everything as well, which never helped. I wanted to feel and so tried to start SI, but thankfully never fell into any kind of routine with it. It never helped me. I needed to feel or express the pain in some way, but even when I had physical cuts and scars it didn’t help. Half the time I was so numb that I didn’t even feel the cut or really notice the bleeding. Over time, I have managed to feel again – mainly due to my best friend who has been so supportive ever since she found out a bit about what happened.

I want to get past this but it all hurts too much…why can’t I just forget it ever happened and get on with my life?

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hi Cloudedsunset...welcome to this part of the forum if you're not a regular here (and sending hugs if that's ok? ). Before I go any further too, thank-you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to post what you did and I'm honoured you wanted to share it with us.

I know you might have heard it over and over again by now, but healing takes time. It might feel like you don't want to spend any more time on it and that it's something you need to get over...but you're more important than that Hun. You deserve the time and care it will take to heal and we'll be here any time you want to talk, sit or question. I can't imagine the pain that you must be going through, but it will slowly get easier with time.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I'm seconding what she said...healing takes time. A lot of time, to be honest, sometimes. It doesn't come overnight, and sometimes, albeit a scary thought, it can take a lot of years.

You need to focus on you, and you alone in this. It's my opinion that assaults of this magnitude can attempt to swallow you, as a person, but don't let it, no matter how hard you have to fight, fight for the healing, and I assure you, eventually, though it may not be as complete as we like, healing will come with time.

 

[Johnnz]

Finding a suitably experienced person to guide you through processing that horrible time would be very helpful. It's just so hard to do that alone.

John
NZ

 

[cloudedsunset]

Hi Cloudedsunset...welcome to this part of the forum if you're not a regular here (and sending hugs if that's ok? ). Before I go any further too, thank-you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to post what you did and I'm honoured you wanted to share it with us.

I know you might have heard it over and over again by now, but healing takes time. It might feel like you don't want to spend any more time on it and that it's something you need to get over...but you're more important than that Hun. You deserve the time and care it will take to heal and we'll be here any time you want to talk, sit or question. I can't imagine the pain that you must be going through, but it will slowly get easier with time.

I'm seconding what she said...healing takes time. A lot of time, to be honest, sometimes. It doesn't come overnight, and sometimes, albeit a scary thought, it can take a lot of years.

You need to focus on you, and you alone in this. It's my opinion that assaults of this magnitude can attempt to swallow you, as a person, but don't let it, no matter how hard you have to fight, fight for the healing, and I assure you, eventually, though it may not be as complete as we like, healing will come with time.

Thank you both for your responses. It means a lot. I just hate that this keeps going. I am so sick of living through it all every day.

Finding a suitably experienced person to guide you through processing that horrible time would be very helpful. It's just so hard to do that alone.

John
NZ

I know. And I have been trying. I made a call to get an appointment not too long ago but ended up unable to go. I know that I need to try and do something but trusting someone enough with this is so difficult right now.

 

[Johnnz]

I know. And I have been trying. I made a call to get an appointment not too long ago but ended up unable to go. I know that I need to try and do something but trusting someone enough with this is so difficult right now.

It is very hard to trust someone when there is so much pain and fear. But sharing and learning to trust can be a significant part of healing. Usually its just very little steps to begin, and as trust grows it becomes less frightening. Just having someone who listens and does not judge or reject can be very comforting in itself. So, deep breath and try.

You are not a coward. At least no more than most of us. Who wants to experience pain and shame? Don't beat up on yourself. You don't need or deserve that.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

[Mod Hat Post]

Closed for thread clean-up. Should be re-opened soon.​

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

[Mod Hat Post]

Thread re-opened. If you have had a post removed or edited, please be patient as staff contact you.​

 

[Tenebrae]

Huggles.


As people have said, we all heal at different rates, and its important to not beat yourself up because its important to give yourself room to heal at a time that works for you.


Be gentle on yourself ok. If you need an ear, my inbox is always open

You arent a coward, the fact that you can come here and talk about it speaks volumes about your courage and is the first step to healing. You do what you have to do, to get yourself through this, and protect your heart in the process and stuff what other people think.

Gentle huggles and this is for you

You are an incredibly courageous survivor

 

[Vradan]

Cloudedsunset,

Just like everyone else, thank you for sharing. I would like to give some sound advice. If you do get to see someone who can help you deal with this I suggest you get a woman. It is the best advice I can give. I have gotten to see a psychologist and I felt that I should of got a female instead of a male, but I was young and did not know better. I wish that you don't make the mistake.

 

[Carolyn H]

Clouded Sunset,

I agree with Vradan, I really connected well with a woman counsellor. I felt comfortable with her and felt like she could understand me and my experiences! God Bless and keep you!