**Trigger warning** so this is me

[FaithfulWife]

Okay so first off sorry i havent been around... I had to take a trip to my Grandparents (ugh) and they dont have the interwebs

YAY!! Glad you're back though! Going to see the Grandfolks is okay.

I'm not asking if being numb is a bad thing because i dont feel anything most of the time, on the contrary my God given gift (or curse) is empathy, i feel to much! which is why i cut/turn suicidal.

So it sounds to me like you're saying it's not so much that you don't feel things, it's that you feel EVERYTHING, everywhere, all the time, and it's like being an open wound all the time because everything gets to you and you feel it--hurt mostly. Is that about right? In case you can't guess, I am the same way and so that's why I ask. The sweet peace of numbness would be kind of nice because then you could have a minute to recover, get your feet back under you, and feel a little better...but instead you keep getting hit with waves and waves of feelings. Is this what you mean?

I'm asking if its a bad thing because recentaly i've discovered that i can completely 'zone out' when i want to. Except for when i get too emotional or stuff. The only downside is that i often zone back in either extremely depressed or with one of my wrists bleeding.

I can/used to do the same thing too! Okay I have to tell you my favorite-funny way I used to have to "zoning out." I can pick one thing--a sound or a picture or something--and get so "into it" that I completely don't see or hear the other stuff that's going on around me. Actually I try very hard not to do that, but I find now-and-then it will happen if I'm concentrating REALLY hard at work and someone will say something to me and I had NO CLUE they were even there!

Anyway, I think the "zoning out" thing is a way that people have to survive. When I was younger I used to figure, "Okay all I'm going to do is do what I have to do in order to survive this and then later I'll deal with it" which is exactly what I did. This "zoning out" is one way that people use to cope--and it's not necessarily "good" or "bad" because it is one way that you survive (and surviving is good)! You aren't too old, LilMiss, and I'm not saying that to be mean...I just happen to be 46yo and you're younger, so being here on the planet this long I've learned some coping techniques and stuff that you just haven't yet. It's cool--you'll learn 'em! But for now I think that if you work on the journal-stuff and see a counselor, let your counselor walk you through the numbing out. It took me a little while to be able to handle always having my feelings "out there" but I kept going to the counseling and kept working at it!

I bought the Journal, I bought some colorful pens, and im still petrified of what is going to happen when i put one of my fluro orange pens to one of those lined pages. So i keep making excuses, and when i cant think of anymore i find someone else to keep me busy.

I'm horrible at getting started with things, there is always an excuse. But at least this time i can see that. I'm just too afraid of whats going to happen when my 45 minutes are up. I don't think I'm going to be able to stop! I'm definatley a person ruled by their heart as opposed to my head. and my heart is broken so that leaves me in a mess.

Okay my visual for what was inside me was black, gooey tar. I envisioned yucky tar, in a bottle that was overflowing but I kept trying to put a lid on it--and the bottle was in a locked box, and the box was in a chest that had chains on it and a padlock, and the chest was in the closet that was locked in a room that I had closed, sealed, and bricked in. I mean, that was NOT a topic I could easily get at nor did I want to! And I figured if I take down even one brick of that bricked in room, the tar will explode out of there and there will be chaos and a disaster! Is that sort of how it feels for you?

Here's my suggestion--pick something fairly easy for the first couple of days just to get used to how it feels to write. Just pick anything. What's on your mind today--related to this topic or not? You could write about a song you heard that you liked and why. You could write your life story! Just pick anything sort of on topic but not entirely just to get started--maybe, "Why I'm afraid to start writing!"

What were your first times like? how could you just say right thats enough, time to stop. I cant Do That!?

My first time I was so scared! I thought I was going to throw up and pass out! But the first time was just a little general like we got to know each other a little bit and that was okayish. There were times when it felt like "Hey that could NOT have been an hour; I was just getting to the good stuff!" but this work is for you. If you want to or need to keep going, you can do the work on your own in between meetings and journaling, you know? I had two things that used to be really helpful for me. First, my counselor specifically gave me like "assignments" to do during the week. Now that works for me because I felt like it didn't just END but rather I had something I was supposed to be doing all week. Second, I specifically set aside some time AFTER a session or after journaling just for "cool-down". I called it "Transition Time." So right after counseling or journaling, I'd take like half an hour to either cry or take a walk or listen to some mellow music and just my head back on straight, ya know? NO heavy stuff was scheduled right after because I knew I'd be all open and vulnerable, so I did stuff by myself so I'd have a little time to do whatever. Now, I'm an introvert so being alone helps settle me down...that may not work for you if you're an extrovert but my point is that afterward, plan some time where you do something so YOU feel better (like a hot bath or me--I often went to the coffee shop and had a hot chocolate...a treat for me).


~Faithful

 

[Ariel]

Hello LilMissHavic!

I just love what FaithfulWife said on how to get started and also "cool down" times. Great advice!

Some of my first journaling experiences were "not much." I just wrote a little bit. Like you I was apprehensive at first. Then I discovered that I could just draw. So I drew. Then I started labeling my drawings and talking about them. I went from there.

My first journal entries were so short that I didn't have to worry about stopping. Gradually I spent more time. Then finally I realized I needed a time limit, so I set one--I would look at a clock, and if it was almost time to stop, then I would finish up what I was on and put my journal away.

I did have problems stopping sometimes. But here's the thing--this journaling time is for you, not someone else. You make the rules. For myself, I knew that more than 45 minutes was just too much for me, it left me drained.

It was important for me to shift gears. I like Faithful Wife's "cool down" ideas. I did something like that too--I would get up and do something active, like take a walk or get started on something else--anything so that I could change my thoughts and concentrate on something else for a while.

Be blessed. You can do this. Actually it can relieve so much stress--it feels good.

 

[Johnnz]

Zoning out is often what you actually did during some of the abuse to help you survive it. Some people do this so well that they actually 'split' into different 'personalities'.

John
NZ

 

[kat]

just stopping by to give you more hugs

that is great that you got a journal... i starting journaling so long ago I have no idea how i started and what i wrote.
As far as all of the emotions... my mom used to tell me to imagine a balloon and letting the air out slowly (Air being the emotions)... Easier said than done, huh...

I love Ariel's idea... when I couldn't put stuff in words, I drew and it helped me... maybe you can doodle and then write stuff. but it is like, there is so much there where do you start... is that how you feel?

someone once said when you are having problems writing you can start writing "I don't know what to write" over and over til something comes to you... but if you write a page of that and still don't have something that isn't too fun

just ideas if you want to give it a try...

oh, like faithfulwife said, starting with a smaller thing to write about -I like that idea.

but wanted you to know I was thinking of you!!!

 

[User101]

Hey its me, back again, I'm grounded and I've been busy with training at my job. So thats my excuse.

Is drawing, writing poems and prose something we all do? as in peeps who have gone thru crap. Cause i used to kinda think i was a freak for having so many scetch books/poems or writing fantasy's long enough to be novels but it seems like peeps in these forums do it to.

So i guess im just a freak for being able to stay awake for a week and still being alive. Go Insomnia! ugh

The thing is when i draw, i either draw the superficial me>>or i end up drawing something totally irrelevent or i end up drawing me either commiting murder or suicide.

Jesus says in the bible that thinking of an action is as bad as doing it so basicly every time i think of killing him that would be murder... right?
wow! i've got like 25000000000 years in jail! thats a lot of life sentances.

I just...
well i guess i'll start...
but hey if you dont hear from me in a while after i put my pen to paper then u might have to well just dont expect me back again.
I'm not good at controling my emotions, I am now great at numbing them but still hopless at controling them.

And Johnzz, i really wish i could of just blocked it all out back then. But i couldnt. It's so real, all of it. I only very recently discovered i could do that. So nope no numbing back then.

HisLiL Lamb u can even make me smile from florida. i can't wait to get back there!

thanx all again for reading. Amazed ya'll arnt sick of me yet. cya's
xLiLxMiSsxHaViCx

 

[Johnnz]

Any way of expressing something about yourself is fine. That can be really helpful. Some therapists use art and drama when working with children.

Some real one-on-one support would be so helpful for you. You need to work through issues in some detail and real support makes that bearable.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[FaithfulWife]

You know, I can't speak for everyone on this thread, but I have journals going all the way back to when I was 13yo (and I'm 46yo now!) I have notebooks and notebooks!! And some are the most SAPPY poetry, others prose (just writing), and others are all doodles! So maybe that IS a trait we share in common!

 

[kat]

not all tired of you by now...
you gotta change that stinkin' thinkin' (thats what someone used to tell me)


I used to write and write and write and just the past few years started sketching and writing poems and amazed at how more effective it was for me, maybe those of us with that in us are the gifted ones

11-6 FLOODING
I can't be strong, I can't pretend, When is this ever gonna end?
Memories keep flooding full of heartache, I don't know how much more I can take. I can no longer hold back the tears, Tears never cried over the years & it keeps coming and coming, The emotions I held in are flooding. I am drowning in this sea of pain, Tears I cry are as pouring rain, Memories keep flooding full of heartache, I don't know how much more I can take.



Oh, yeah, come back to FL and visit, hee hee.. Its beautiful out today!
HLL

 

[User101]

Boo!!hah! i scared you all didnt I! no? oh oh well.

again im sorry i havnt been around. Im lazy. Updates?

umm i have two councillors now, i see one every friday. Beta Bj and me are talking every single night because i've not had a night free from flashbacks in about 3 weeks

I'm flooding! I'm drowning in a sea of lost emotions i thought i had accepted and moved on from. but i havent. They're still here, back again, not content to remain memories they have to appear before me again and again and again. I feel so dirty, so incomplete, like i do not even derserve to call myself a young woman, and like i'll never have something to give one day to my husband.

Virginity's like a gift yeah? something that you give to the person that will love and care for you forever, your soul mate. It's a precious object rare and wonderful and unique, one that we have every right to enjoy untill we choose to give it away, untill it's God's time for us to give it.

And mine was stolen, i can't get it back because its been shattered, and i can't just get a new one, because that gift was uniqe.

I can get another version, an imitation, and i can wrap it up exactly the same but it's different, it's a cheap version of a prized possesion. What am i ment to say to my husband? 'i havnt had sex since i was 9 till now, here have my second hand virginity'?

While i'll get his, unblemished and still in its origianal packaging.

I can't even give him my heart, not my whole one. Sure i'll love him with all the little pieces but it won't be the same.

So in return for being the hero, and loving me as much as God allows, he get's this, Damaged merchandise. A broken gift in tattered rags.

and thats how i feel.

I can't stand it.

And i hate hearing the pain in Beta Bj's voice while he tries vainly to convince me otherwise.

?

 

[Johnnz]

Jesus does not see you as you see yourself. Jesus adores you, and He has taken upon Himself what happened, so that you may liv eout of His new life within you.

Your virginity was stolen. But your capacity to love remains although pretty battered right now. Your loss of virginity does not mean that you cannot express your love through sexual intercourse deeply and satisfyingly. You are not 'damaged goods'. You are a beloved daughter of God.

John
NZ

 

[FaithfulWife]

I do not even know what to tell you or what to say other than that I have felt exactly as you feel right now. For the longest time I felt like no matter how much I worked on it or how much I recovered, I would still just be this damaged "thing" and always viewed as damaged. That's partly because I viewed MYSELF that way! And I felt just like I was drowning all the time too--just BARELY treading water right above the noseline and it's sucking on my legs pulling me down...

But lilmiss, I want to encourage you because I stuck with it and kept at it and look at me now! Crazy as ever! (heehee) Okay, no in real life I learned a few things about myself. For example, everyone has had things occur in their life that they aren't too proud of or too happy about...and the trick is to know your beloved's darker side and love them anyway or possibly because they let you see all of them. Everyone is imperfect. Everyone, to a degree, is a mess. And that's not all, I have many qualities that do make me a wonderful person and you do too. You are an amazing writer! You are so very open and you care and share enough to help others! You are thoughtful of others and moral (otherwise you wouldn't give a rip what you were giving to your beloved). You are a WONDERFUL woman! Those are the qualities that a man looks for in a life-mate and wife. Being able to give a man your virginity is a wonderful, amazing gift too, but if you remember you did not voluntarily GIVE it before...it was ripped away from you. So it would still be the first time that you GAVE it, even if there was a physical taking before. That was involuntary not lovingly given and that is WAY different!

Here ya go--here is your nose-plug--keep treading, cuz you're doing good!!


~Faithful

 

[User101]

I was born for greatness, born to fly
Now in my soul I know this,
But someone’s blocked the sky,
So now were all caged songbirds
We all live and we die
No one’s special no one’s different
Or that songbird is despised

So now were all just caged here
We all live and we die
Still our teary eyes are looking,
And longing for the sky.
We all hate that something different,
A danger in our minds,
But could that something different
Be our savior in disguise,

Could it be our lives were meant
Not for killing nor for dying
But this little songbirds wings
Were meant to take her flying,
Flying high above the trees
To the vainly sought tomorrows
Flying up above the sea’s
Away from her all her sorrows

Could it be this songbird’s voice
Was meant for her to sing?
To tell of stories and adventures
And of how she found her wings?
To sing of honor and of glory
A time that’s not so old
When birds they used to fly
And their hearts were made of gold


And could it be that this birds eyes
Were not made for only crying,
But to glitter and to gleam
At the sight of songbirds flying
Could it be that something different
Was not to bad at all
That the feared and hated different
Could catch you if you fall

Could it be that hopes and dreams
Were not merely one night wonders
But to follow and to chase
And grip on to through the blunders
Could it be that those same songbirds
In the stories that were told
Who fought and died for freedom
Had those forgotten hearts of gold?

Could it be that when we strive
For something different, something new
That each day we’re getting closer
To the sky that’s tainted blue
Could it be that those who are different
Should not be silenced nor erased
But made into great leaders
And then followed and then chased

Could it be that if we do this
We’ll one day learn to fly
And by ignoring that we’re different
We’ll one day own the sky?
But I am just a songbird
We all live and we die
And still our hearts are longing
To be free and up in the sky.

 

[Johnnz]

Here is what one theologian has written recently.


“Among the religions of human history and all their visions of God, what is it about the Christian vision of God that is distinctive? What sets it apart from other religious visions? There are at least two acts about the Christian God that are unparalleled: The first is the doctrine of the Trinity. The second is the humility of God. In no other religion do we have a god who stoops, a god who comes down to enter into human history in the most inconceivably personal way. But here in Christianity, we have a God who wants to be united with us and who is prepared to humble Himself and even to suffer to accomplish such a union. The gods of human imagination are indifferent towards the human race. Towering above us in their glory, they are distant and unapproachable - preoccupied with themselves and with things far more important than human existence. These gods exist in eternal separation from us, and whatever interest they take in human affairs serves their own ends.

The Christian God is the exact opposite. In marked contrast to the gods of human imagination, the Christian God is not self-centred, not a taker at all, but a giver, and He thoroughly despises the idea of being untouchable. From the very beginning, from before the beginning, God is not indifferent towards the human race or indecisive about its future. He has staggering plans for us. Indeed, the Christian God is preoccupied with us and our welfare, and determined to bless us with life and fullness and glory. The Christian vision of God is of a God who is eager to know us, eager to cross the infinite chasm between the Creator and the creature, and eager to stoop down us and lift us up so that we can share in everything that He is and does. Such a vision of God is unique.

The Christian God is interested in relationship with us, and not just relationship, but union, and not just union, but such a union that everything He is and has - all glory and fullness, all joy and beauty and unbridled life - is to be shared with us and to become as much ours as it is His. The plan from the beginning, in the Christian vision, is that God would give Himself to us, and nothing less, so that we could be filled to overflowing with the divine life.

Part of what John means when he tells us that Jesus Christ is the Word of God is that there has never been a moment in all eternity when God wanted to be without us. The man Jesus, the incarnate Son, is not an afterthought or an afterword. Jesus, the incarnate Son, the humanity of God, is the eternal foreword. The relationship between God and humanity that was hammered out in Jesus Christ is not a second plan: This relationship, this union between God and humanity in Christ, is the eternal plan of God, which precedes creation itself. God has always purposed to become flesh. This is His eternal Word, spoken out of His being and character as the God who loves and who is determined to bless us beyond all we can think or ask.

Behind this vision of God stooping to enter into relationship, into union, with human beings in order to bless us, is the fact that God is Father, Son and Spirit. The Bible tells us that the Father loves the Son and that the Son loves the Father and that they share all things in the love and unchained fellowship of the Spirit. Nothing that could be said about God is more fundamental than this mutual love and this fellowship. God exists as Father, Son and Spirit in a rich and glorious and overflowing fellowship of acceptance and delight and passion and love. The dream of human existence begins right here in the unstifled fellowship and togetherness of the Father, Son and Spirit.

Everything else to be said about God is a variation on this theme, a description of this relationship of Father, Son and Spirit. When we talk about the love of God, we are talking about the relationship of the Father, Son and Spirit. When we talk about the holiness of God, we are trying to describe the wholeness and purity and integrity, the beauty, of the fellowship of the Trinity. When we talk about the righteousness of God, we are talking about the sheer rightness of their relationship. When we talk about the fullness of God or the blessedness of God, we are talking about the unbridled life, the irrepressible joy and unspeakable goodness of the Father, Son and Spirit.

What was God's reaction when Adam fell into sin? What did God do when the human race and creation were plunged into ruin and began lapsing into nothingness? Did God throw up His hands and walk away, disgusted? Did He say to Himself, "I knew they would do this, they deserve to perish, let them get what they deserve"? Did God explode with anger at Adam and Eve for the audacity of disobedience to Him? Did He threaten vengeance? Did His blood begin to boil with plans of punishment and retribution? No. The Fall of Adam and Eve was met by the eternal Word of God. The disaster of Adam's sin, the chaos and misery, the brokenness and bondage of Adam's rebellion were met with an immediate and stout and intolerable divine "No! I did not create you to perish. I did not create you to flounder in misery, to live in such appalling pain and brokenness and heartache and destitution. I created you for life, to share in My life and glory, to participate in the fullness and joy, the free-flowing fel[wash my mouth]lowship and goodness and wholeness that I share with My Son and Spirit. And I will have it no other way. It will be so."” J Baxter Kruger- Jesus and the Undoing of Adam

That is God's persistent orientation towards you - loving acceptance no matter what because he loves you so deeply.


John
NZ

 

[User101]

he died for more people then just me...

i just dont get it John, how can God let me go through all this and yet still tell me he loves me?

I'm so tired! ive had about 5 and 1/4 hours sleep for the last week and a bit. Thats how bad my dreams are, and they're getting worse! why wont God stop it?

 

[Johnnz]

Most people who have known really bad times ask that question. There is no simplistic answer. But, we know that Jesus has taken upon Himself all of our pain, and knows exactly what it is like.

And, having spent many hours with badly abused people, I know how loving support, insight and prayer do make a difference. But I still weep at what some people have had to endure.

John
NZ

 

[calledchuck]

wow. All I can say is I wish I had just a piece of the strength and courage you have. And you your not alone with the whole not hating him thing. My ex aexually assaulted me and I want SO bad to hate him and to blame him but I cant. So your not alone. What Ariel is saying is absolutely correct. She's wise so take her words to heart

chelsey, known as chuck

 

[User101]

well hi guys, guess who's back. its me, i have a laptop now so i'll probs be around more often.

does anyone know anything that can help with dreams? I Hate Them! recently theyve been getting worse. so yeah any help would be so appreciated its not funny!

oh and in other random news im single now. my ex dumped me 3 days before christmas by text message so yeah...

 

[icarusforde]

Heya Lilmiss,

I aint posted in ya thread before. I was wandering around CF, and i came upon it. Some things below might be of some meaning to you.

1. God. Is. Love. He says this in the Bible, and He loves you, and He cant lie. He loves you so much.

2. You're awesome. It may seem like a strange thing for a 16 year old kid from your neighbors across the ditch to say, but you are awesome. Nothing changes that. Nothing.

3. The fact that you are talking on here to people is brilliant. It means you dont want to keep holding on to that past, that thing that holds you down.

4. Everyone on here loves you. Every single one of the awesome people who have posted in this thread are here for you, 24/7. You post, and someone is here. Thats the awesome thing about CF. Somone is always online, ready to build you up, love you, be here for you to talk to. Every single one of us.

5. God doesnt leave. You said in your first post, your 'Godless' year - He was always there. I remember a story i was told, it goes something like this: A guy was talking with God one day, and God showed him a beach. on it there were two sets of footprints. At times, it changed to one. The guy yelled at God 'why did you leave me when times got tough? why?' God looked at him, and said this 'I never left. I never will. When the times were tough, I picked you up, and carried you. I never, ever, ever once left your side.' Thats about it really - throughout it all, God is always there for you. If you call out, he will pick you up. No matter what.

6. Your dreams - I dont know what you have tried to get rid of your dreams.... I have no clue. But, one thing i can advise - its worked for me when my head is full - try going to sleep with a light, even if its only your cellphone screen on by the side of your bed, softly glowing. Also, try having some music - tune into some old school praise and worship channel on the radio, or put some worship music on ya stereo really softly.

6.

Hope i could help some,
Andrew

 

[Johnnz]

Dreams are often reruns of our memories. Often they fade away or become much less scary as you work through the issues and allow Jesus to transform you.

Enjoy your laptop and stay connected.

John
NZ

 

[Angelwings_2009]

Hello,


Are you still dreaming? Something that could help is be careful about what you watch before going to sleep, what you listen to and even what you read, because it could possibly be triggering the dream, like read something and subconsciencly it reminds you of what happened and then you dream about it.

Another question, have you forgiven them but more importantly have you forgiven yourself.


Also, have you prayed to God lately, no I mean like really like seeking his face in deep prayer, and even possibly repenting not for that event but just in general?

If so, please read below:


If you believe in Jesus and your a christian, have you (or tried) to fast?


Angelwings